SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A couple of thoughts....

My reco is to do nothing with M assets before you get good legal advice. For example, my son was advised NOT to withdraw funds from the joint account. IIRC, he was also told not to move out of his M apartment at all, when he and his STXW were talking about taking care of their son on alternate weeks. (I guess the idea was to rent another apartment and each would live there while the other did child cae. Son's D lawyer advised against doing that.)

The only legitimate legal advice anyone on SI can give is: talk with a good lawyer who knows your jurisdiction's laws inside and out.

*****

Only some 'experts' recommend staying away from sexual details. Our MC recommended asking any question I wanted to ask, as long as I remained aware I might be haunted by the answer forever. At first, I asked any question that jumped into my head. Eventually (weeks?) I asked myself why I wanted to ask a specific question.

That is, I asked questions if I really wanted the answer. I refrained from asking many Qs, though, because I realized I had ulterior motives. For example, often questions occurred to me when I was angry. At those times, it was way more healing to express my anger directly than to ask a nasty question.

I would cheat only for sublime sex with a goddess, and maybe not even then. I assumed my W was cheating for sublime sex. She wasn't - my W said it was mundane, except for the first few times, and ow's sexual demands became a burden. That was hard to believe at first, but her answers to questions, comments, and behavior showed she told the truth, IMO.

In most cases that people have written about on SI, the sex with the ap was different or worse than with the BS, though that's not universal. Your W, if she's having sex with this guy, looks like she's in a phase in which she wants him and thinks the sex is great, and maybe it is.

I'm not sure the quality of the sex matters much to the BS. If they are truly unhappy with the M sex, they're as much to blame as the BS is. If they wanted something different, it was up to them to ask for it.

The fact is that a WS who had sex with an ap violated the M, whether the sex was good, bad, or indifferent.

*****

Q & A has a number of outcomes. Coming clean results in helping both partners heal. It helps rebuild bonds. It helps rebuild an M based on honesty, on recognizing and resolving issues, rebuilding trust....

Not admitting the truth tells the BS that the WS isn't honest and therefore isn't a good candidate for R. That's a devastating outcome, but as Bigger points out, the sooner you learn this, the better for you.

I know you're hurting both from your W's betrayal and by her behavior now, after her betrayal has come to light. Just ... have some faith in yourself and in your future. You're recognizing where you are. You're preparing yourself to maintain boundaries and to to D. You are setting your stage for healing. It's hard work, but the payoff makes it worth the effort.

*****

And they ALWAYS Affair down. Always: https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/558762/honey-they-always-affair-down/

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:13 PM, Thursday, January 12th]

Talk to a lawyer ASAP and follow their advice to the letter.

Good luck, stay strong, and don’t cover for her. When anyone asks why you are getting a divorce tell them right away it is because she cheated on you.

A failure on someone else’s part is no reason for you to be ashamed or embarrassed.

TELL THE WIFE. RIGHT NOW! Number 1 tell the wife. Number 2 tell the wife. Number 3 tell that sack of S@&t’s wife ASAP.

It may not help that much or it could be even better than a poly.

She could go through his phone and find proof. She might get a confession.

The one thing even if it does not seem to help that much in the surface. It will help a lot.

OP, please for the love of god stop ignoring this excellent advice!

Sorry you are going through this, Your WW will never tell you truth. Because she found her sole mate. She must protect her BF.
You have to understand that you must get to a place where you get peace in your life. Most likely with out WW. Be prepared that when this love affair crashes and burns, she will come running back to you. You must teak it one day at a time.

FWIW, I lost 150 pounds and wore size 4-6. I didn't cheat. Her weight loss didn't cause her to cheat, but may have provided opportunities.

After my XWH gave me grief about my weight for years, I finally lost weight. Then what did he do? Cheated with somebody who outweighed me before I lost weight.

Her A wasn't about you, but was about her selfishness. You were collateral damage.

So sorry you're here.

How are you doing OP?

It's been a few days since last heard from you. Hope you are doing ok.

Sorry to read about your situation. This seems to be a somewhat consistent situation; the wife/husband gets in shape and starts getting attention from strangers and next thing you know, they're having an affair.
From reading your thread, I think it's obvious she's taken her affair underground. I know you're in a lot of pain right now. Just try to take one day and one step at a time. Keep your mind busy. Change up your routine; reconnect with old friends; get out of the house and do activities. Take yourself out to dinner; invite a friend. Go to the gym; get in shape; improve your appearance.
I don't see an issue with staying at a friend or family member's house during this process, but don't say or make it look like you've moved out. It's important to maintain possession of the house and your things during the divorce process. Ensure that you get a very good lawyer who specializes in and has good reviews with representing men.
You can expect that she'll be moving in with or at least expanding her relationship with the OM. While it is hard to do, try not to focus on your loss. It's better to see it as gaining your freedom from a person that was lying for a long time about their marriage vows.
Take care of yourself and realize that your life can get better if you focus on being stronger and more successful than you've ever been. Success and a better, happier life is the best revenge.

My concern is how I can ever trust her again if we remain together

Why are YOU asking this? If someone attacked me, I wouldn't be sitting there wondering how to fix my lack of trust in someone that did that.
You're asking the wrong question. SHE is the one responsible for earning the trust back. If she isn't up to the task, then you should be in here asking how to go about getting a competent family law attorney.
It is not your responsibility to fix the side of the fence that she broke. The best advice I can give you is to detach and decide what you want. For example, do you want to remain married for the financial security? Then, can you actually detach enough to be in a sham marriage where you each have your own lives? If not, what kind of divorce negotiations are you prepared for? You don't have to make any steps yet, but at least detach and sit back and observe her actions. Also, see at least one attorney to get knowledge jic for what divorce looks like in your state. Knowledge is power.

any updates, sir ?