SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I started talking to a guy on a dating app and we hit off pretty well. 3 months or so into talking, we confirmed that we were dating exclusively. I got pretty excited, and oh, did I mention that we are doing long distance as well? I'm from Singapore and he is from the US. This is my first time doing long distance dating, and I thought how the time difference actually fitted my lifestyle - there was time to focus on myself along with his companionship. It's crazy how we try to adapt to the difference in timezones (12 hours apart), but he was consistent in texting me everyday. On his off days, we would video chat and watch a show/movie or play games together. The chemistry and connection between us is undeniable, and the more comfortable we became, the more emotionally intimate we become.

So I told him my story, and he shared his. He has 2 kids and from 2 different partners. But he was never married and was cheated on by those 2 partners as well. At first I was taken aback, but I decided to see him as the person he has grown into rather than by his past. Just as how I wouldn't want him to judge me by my past or my current status as a separated individual. After dating around, he decided to find a connection internationally and that's how we eventually met. He wanted to find a partner to settle down with and is open to a long distance r/s. We listened and empathised with one another, and decided to continue dating and seeing each other online.

We were talking about a Japan trip together in year end 2023. I told him playfully that I didn't want to wait that long to see him in person. The next thing I know, we were planning for a Los Angeles trip in Dec 2022. I was giddy with excitement - my first trip to the US, Disneyland, Universal Studios... and I get to see this amazing guy in person.

The wait was excruciating slow, but it was finally time. However, the time spent together was not how I envisioned it to be.

The first two days (out of 9 days) was amazing. We were physically close, intimate, connected well just like we did online. Then.. I started to feel him pull back. The hot & cold affection, I had to initiate to kiss, hug or cuddle. All the physical affection that we talked about wanting to do to each other online was just.. absent. I was confused, hurt and disappointed. Although we still managed to have great conversations, joke around, holding hands wherever we go. The intimacy and affection I experienced from day 1-2 is just lessened or gone. Towards the end of the trip, I was convinced that I was gonna get dumped after I fly back. But guess what? When we were saying our goodbyes, he teared up (face and eyes red) and quickly walked away to his check-in so he wouldn't burst out in tears infront of me. That surprised and confused me at the same time.

After both of us have flew back, he texted me as per normal as if the pulling back didn't happen. I confronted him and he finally broke down and said that it wasn't my fault, it was all him, and it's not me. He then told me the truth: His last 5 years r/s before me was with someone who was also separated. It was traumatising and painful for him (he was sobbing hard while telling me) because she didn't end up divorcing her partner and that made him feel like he wasn't good enough. He was afraid that being with me would mean ending up in the same previous predicament. And this didn't surface until he finally see me in person. When he got to finally touch and hold me, I think reality hit and he got scared when he felt himself getting attached to me. He said he felt conflicted because 1) he wants to continue being more than friends with me, but he is afraid that he will inevitably hurt me if we continue due to his fears 2) having to end this because he cares alot about me and it hurts to.

When I asked him, do we still have the same intentions out of dating each other? He said he does not have the answer and was overwhelmed by his emotions. As painful as it is, I decided to end it there and then. He asked if we could still be friends, and I said I couldn't, that I needed some time off. There's no way I could do so while still having romantic feelings for him. I hated it when he said "It's not you, it's me". It just means there is nothing I can do but accept. I didn't think it would hurt that much after going through so much from DD, but it's still so painful and I miss us. I'm doing my best to convince myself to move forward, but a part of me is waiting and hoping that he will sort out his feelings and come back someday. And thus, I am writing this post because I guess I just need someone to convince me to wake the ** up and tell me that he isn't worth it. Anyone else experienced dating emotionally unavailable people?

[This message edited by hermasquerade at 11:09 AM, Monday, January 16th]

"It's not you, it's me"

From what he sounds like in your post, there is some truth to that statement. In a lot of cases, that statement often sounds like an excuse. But there seems to be a lot of unresolved issues that he’s facing at the moment, to the point that another relationship would likely be a bad idea.

The thing about emotionally unavailable people is that you cannot ‘fix’ them. You can definitely support them however you can, but whether they are motivated to deal with those issues in a healthy way are not on you. In this case, it just seems like an incompatibility between you due to different stages of recovery.

If I sound offensive, I apologize. But do you have a habit of fixing or being the fixer for issues that are not your responsibility? Perhaps that might be a point for introspection.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 9:48 PM, Monday, January 16th]

I am the "it's not you it's me guy". I've tried dating and I've met some lovely women who have expressed a desire to have a relationship with me, but the minute I get anywhere close to almost something, I start to shake, suffer from panic attacks and night sweats. So yeah, I'm screwed up. Thank you infidelity.

The thing is, I have an amazing capacity for love, but I'm so broken I don't know how to move forward. Again, thanks infidelity.

After a couple of failed attempts at a normal life, I've removed myself from the dating market. Just too broken to subject anyone to the shitshow that is me. So sometimes, it isn't you. It could be him. Just sayin.

Chances are, you are amazing.

Hang on. You both searched for and found an international long distance relationship and then you’re surprised that he has a hard time with intimacy?? What…??

I get that you’ve felt confused about his mixed signals but I think if you yourself were ready to have a proper relationship then maybe you should find someone who’s in a more geographically convenient location. You’re also giving the mixed signal here of wanting something that isn’t based on the ability to be with someone in the present. Long distance relationships are fraught with pressures and fantasies. The real test is having a relationship with someone you see regularly and how that develops over time.

If I sound offensive, I apologize. But do you have a habit of fixing or being the fixer for issues that are not your responsibility? Perhaps that might be a point for introspection.

It's alright, I don't find it offensive at all. You're pretty spot on for saying that. I have a nurturing and giving personality and I tend to gravitate towards people who are hurt/broken in some ways. In my past r/s and even marriage, I've always been the one lending emotional support while all not demanding any from my past partners. Hence, I'm used to taking it in all by myself and suffering alone. My best friend did point that out and told me it's time for me to find someone who is emotionally stable and can take care of the both of us.

The thing is, I have an amazing capacity for love, but I'm so broken I don't know how to move forward.

I'm so sorry to hear that, the trauma, emotional and physical tolls you go through sound really terrible. I really hope that you will find a way to move forward eventually.

Hang on. You both searched for and found an international long distance relationship and then you’re surprised that he has a hard time with intimacy??..... You’re also giving the mixed signal here of wanting something that isn’t based on the ability to be with someone in the present. Long distance relationships are fraught with pressures and fantasies.

We were pretty intimate while dating online, and even physically when we finally met for the first two days. I think he realised that now we are ACTUALLY physically intimate, that means we are bonding deeper and moving past the fantasy of a online LDR. So he got scared. I on the other hand, I was ready for the rollercoaster ride of a LDR, I believe two people can make it work if they wanted to. He just wasn't the right person. I also agree with you that being with someone more geographically convenient takes off a lot of unwanted pressure and expectations. But I'm still willing to try and be open to both options.

I am also the "it’s not you it’s me guy"

I have met and dated some amazing women since I separated in 2021 and initially I have those same feelings your LDR had in the first few days and weeks but they soon disappear and get replaced with fear and anxiety. Due to the fact I find withholding the details about my inner turmoil all consuming, I withdraw affection (because being affectionate feels like a lie to me) and then I bounce back until it hits again.

I feel both your pain 😞 I’m so sorry you are going through this.

You need to start turning all that nurturing inward for yourself and stop trying to fix others when you still need the work. Why on Earth would you date someone thousands of miles away? How are you supposed to see someone without their mask on if you're not in 1. close proximity, and 2. day-to-day proximity. Anything else is a fairytale.

Long distance can work, IF you already have a strong foundation to the relationship BEFORE you start long distance.

Also, when they show you who they are, believe them. If there is a next time next guy, pack your shit and walk out at the first sign of dysfunction and toxicity.

To answer your question, do I have experience dating emotionally unavailable men? Nope, because I don't date emotionally unavailable men. It starts with taking your time and spending enough time with them to get to know them. It's too F'ing easy to wear a mask when you don't deal with a person everyday and up close. Zoom/facetime isn't personal interaction.

Also, quit dating affair partners. Did he get into any therapy after cheating with a married woman? What work did he do to fix his broken moral compass? Considering he was willing to date you, technically still married, doesn't sound like he did any of the above. I'm not judging you, only pointing out red flags. As a single woman, I would never knowingly date a married man, separated or not. That's just asking for drama. First, he would need a generous amount of time to heal AFTER the divorce was final, otherwise rebound territory. Second, if he were legitimately getting a divorce, why not wait til he's free and clear? I'm giving my perspective because it's a healthy, healed perspective.
He had so many red flags, just from the little you shared, that I'm surprised you didn't get a concussion from them.
Please give yourself adequate time to heal before you start dating again or you will keep repeating this pattern of dating red flags.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 6:32 AM, Sunday, January 29th]