SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm so sorry you had to find us. Take it from people with plenty of experience with this. This in your post tells you all you need to know:

Fast forward and my wife is getting home later, immediately showers when she got home and acting very off.

She needed to shower every time she got home late because she was having sex, not just giving him a hand job. You already know, you just wish it wasn't so, like so many of us did here. The fact that she's still lying is a very bad sign.

Hi Cameron,

Something else I wanted to add, and I think you will begin to see the logic in it.

The person that has the Least Investment in a business arrangement or in a personal relationship Has the Most Power. The person who can walk away easier than the other person holds the most power. The person who has the most to lose has the Most Investment.

I don’t know you and what kind of demeanor you exhibit around your wife, however I admonish you to become Stoic around her and do not, repeat do not, wear your heart on your sleeve.

In the Tactical Primer there is mention of the 180 if the wayward is still in the affair. Mentioned on this site are two 180s… one Soft and one Hard.

I am not advising you to do either at this point, however I will point out a few good points on the Hard 180 that you can use now to try to gain the upper hand here. Believe me, there is now a power struggle in your marriage and up until now your wife has held the upper hand… hence, the trickle-truthing galore.

Point #18… No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your cheating wife happiness and contentment. Make yourself someone she wants to be around. Not a needy, moody, pathetic individual, but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that you have Value.

Point #20… Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming, or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool… be in control of the only thing you can control… YOURSELF!

Point #21… Don’t be overly enthusiastic. Be even keeled.

Point #24… Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out… no matter what the provocation. No one ever got into trouble by just saying nothing.

Point #26… Be Strong, Confident, and Learn to Speak Softly.

Cameron, when she sees that no matter what she says or how she acts that she will not get a rise out of you, then she will see you begin to take control of this horrible situation and see that she can’t get you to acquiesce to anything she says or does.

Someone else mentioned about what mother goes out partying, etc. when they have a 5-year-old at home. It sounds like she may have already had a foot out the door. If that is the case, then I will just advice to do what your instincts tell you to do.

Remember this; she not only betrayed you, but she also betrayed your child by robbing him of a normal home with a loving father and mother.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 7:35 PM, Wednesday, January 25th]

Since when is manipulating another man’s organ to orgasm not sex? And what’s with the "only" a hand job? What was she doing other than that? Sitting like an automaton? What was he doing? Playing the violin?

This kind of BS is so depressingly familiar but newly betrayed want to believe. Until they start thinking about the holes in the story.

You are way too young to have to go thru this insanity. And the "I loved you the whole time" is pure invention. And no the alcohol did not make her do it. Her loose morals, lack of respect for you and wanting some strange made her do it. And she was so obvious that she is either really stupid or really did not care. Either way, you really need to think if you want to risk another 7 years with this person.

First let me just ask a question, you can’t forgive a kiss, but can you forgive her for giving the guy a hand job?

How many adults do you know that have any type of relationship, that settle for just getting or giving a hand job to their lover?

I’m sorry to tell you, but no, they did not just stop at a kiss or a hand job.

If you want the truth, tell her that you have scheduled a polygraph for her. The expression on her face should tell you all that you really need to know. But I’m suspecting that sometime between the moment you tell her and the morning she walked into The office to have the polygraph, she will sit you down and tell you a few things to "clarify "a few of her previous statements. And I’m sorry, it’s not just going to be a kiss and a hand job.

I have said multiple times That a marriage or relationship is like a stool in. that it is built on three legs. If one of those legs were to break, the whole thing is trashed!!
Those three things are
Love
Respect
Trust

Love:
No one who loves another person could ever cheat on their loved ones. Do you think she was having lovely thoughts of you and your child as she is stroking this POS? Do you think that she was daydreaming of your honeymoon as she is making out with him?

Respect
She certainly doesn’t respect you at all. And the sad thing is is that the longer you allow her to stay around, the less she respects you. Because if you do let her stay around, and she has another affair, or, more likely, She goes back to this POS but they just do a better job of hiding the relationship, all she has to do is cry some tears, beg for your forgiveness, and tell you that it was a mistake that she never actually had sex with him, and that she’ll never do it again, and you will allow her to stay yet again.

Do you think she respected you by telling you all of those lies to hide the affair?
Do you think she respected you when she was intentionally distancing herself from you?

Trust
You will never trust her again.
Anytime that she is 5 to 10 minutes late for something, you will be wondering what guys backseat she is in giving a blow job or a hand job too. When you do make love to her, will you trust that when she closes her eyes, she is imagining images of you and her together and not her and her lover?

I’m sorry, but in your marriage those three pillars that are holding up a marriage are all destroyed, and they were destroyed by her.

If you had not discovered the affair, would she still be with him?

I strongly advise that you move forward with that polygraph, and get your child DNA tested. Your child probably is biologically yours, however just the fact that you demand that that test be given, sends a very strong message to the fact that you do not trust her at all.

Find out if this guy has a wife or girlfriend. If he does, you need to tell her, as she not only has a right to know the man that she is seeing is really like, but also she will be your best ally in finding out if the affair is still going on, and the extent of the affair.

As for your child, what is better for them? Living in a house where there is always tension and parents are constantly snapping at each other and making snide remarks, or living at two places, each with a living parent that has a lot LESS tension? Kids ALWAYS know when things are bad.

I wish you nothing but the best.

Good luck, stay strong, and do what you must to be able to look the man in the mirror in the eye every day.

And finally, refuse to be anybody’s Plan B.

Cameron, I am so sorry for what you're going through. Everyone here has already been through this and they are only trying to help. Everyone isn't telling you to drop the relationship, but rather, telling you that you do need the truth if you plan to stay.

You don't want to wake up 30 years from now feeling as if your life has been stolen from you by someone who couldn't be bothered to tell you the truth of your own life.

If you're leaning towards divorce, you don't need to know anything more than you already do. (The exception being who the biological father of the child(ren) are.)

I just wanted to let you know that though it can feel like it, you are not alone.

Cameron

I hope you are taking the advice above and working your way out of this. Please return and update when you feel comfortable.

For those looking for an Update:

Cameron has edited his original post to include a paragraph where he said his wife has admitted to having sex with the scumbag multiple times.

He goes on to say he is a Christian and has decided to forgive her and stay in this marriage. It appears he is forgiving her drinking, partying, and committing adultery. You can also read what he says about the child she is carrying.

I do not know how to copy and insert text from another post. Maybe someone else can do it so those looking for an Update can see what he said. Maybe someone can let me know how to copy text someone else sent.

I respect his decision. It is his life.

If you are least getting the entire truth then you have a starting point.
It will be an extremely long and painful road no matter what your decision.
Another heartbreaking story.

I just read the update and understand that you love your family and want to save them, no doubt about it. You are letting someone in that’s willing to destroy it. You need to protect your family FROM HER.

We are not defined by our mistakes.

She didn’t make a mistake, she willingly betrayed you and the kids.

Rug sweeping is a bad idea, you are going to suffer in silence it will affect your health and your children. We will be here for you.

I wish you the best.

If you are relying on what the bible says for her forgiveness, remember the bible also says divorce is acceptable due to infidelity. I know you are responsible for what you decide, but I hope your wayward wife isn't playing you for a fool. Even if you're willing to accept this latest child as your own, I'd still get a test to see if both children are yours. If she decides to divorce you, this could be important if it comes down to child support. She broke her marriage vows, not you. Protect yourself!

I did a Copy and Paste of his second Edit to his original post.

Edit 2: after I said I set up a polygraph test (which was false, we don’t even have one in town) she admitted everything up to the point of walking out the door to this fake appointment. Kissed, hand job and sex multiple times. For anyone else going through this, she really did do everything they say a cheater does. But now for the tough decision, I’m going to get hate for this but oh well, seeing as I am a Christian, I am called to love my wife the same way Christ loves us. Therefore I am choosing to stay and work it out for the sake of the house we built, our marriage and importantly our five year old son. Believe me, I’m completely broken but my family is more important than my feelings. Who knows if she has changed. I don’t know, but she admitted the worst and therefore I can start to believe what she says. Side note, I don’t know if the baby is mine yet or not, but if it’s not, I will raise that child as if it were my own because that child is innocent and that POS doesn’t deserve to have that child. Those that think this is a terrible mistake, just ask yourself, are YOU worth fighting for? Are YOU worth it? If you think yes, than my wife is worth it. We are not defined by our mistakes. I’ve certainly made plenty of those. Again, I’m in terrible pain, hurt and completely numb. I know this won’t be easy but those who hope in the Lord will not be disappointed.

I do think he needs to do a DNA test on both children... especially the 2nd. There could be hereditary health problems of which he and his wife needs to be aware.

I truly hope this works out for him.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 5:27 PM, Thursday, January 26th]

Hi Cameron,

I just saw your most recent update. For future updates, it might be easier to respond as a Reply, that way others wont miss it.

after I said I set up a polygraph test (which was false, we don’t even have one in town) she admitted everything up to the point of walking out the door to this fake appointment. Kissed, hand job and sex multiple times.

I'm glad you got the truth. You deserve the truth. You can work with the truth. You cannot work with someone who is still lying to you.

I'm also sorry. While the truth might not be surprising to us (or even to you), I know that doesn't make it hurt any less. You probably feel like your heart has been ripped out of your chest right now. I hope you are taking care of yourself - eating meals, drinking fluids, and sleeping when you can. If you drink, I would encourage you to avoid alcohol for now - you are definitely not in the right headspace for it. Do you have friends in real life you can lean on? Is your boss understanding?

You say you want stay and work it out and that is absolutely your choice. I did the same thing. It's the hardest thing I ever had to do, but I'm happy that both myself and my husband were able to do the work (and boy is it a lot of work). There are people here that would make different choices in your shoes or made different choices in their own shoes -that is okay too. Please do not misinterpret anything anyone says for hate. Sometimes the things that are written can be difficult to hear, but I promise that we are here to support you, give you direction, and empathize as you heal from this grievous wound, regardless of whether you stay or go.

Healing from this is a long road though and it is definitely not as simple as just deciding to stay together. You will likely be haunted by the details you found out today for quite some time. When you're ready, and when you're not still reeling from the absolute gutpunch of new information you received today, I encourage you to read some of the articles in the Healing Library.

Finally, it's not clear to me from your post, but is your wife still working with this guy?

We try to keep SI non-religious but there have been many religious based posters over the year. I’m Christian and try to live according to my religion.
But…
We have had posters base their decision on your stance of forgiveness and turn the other cheek.
We have had posters claim their WW were sinful harlots and their religious beliefs dictate that they need to leave their marriages.
Both groups are reading the same book.
Just make sure you aren’t trying to make your religion fit in to justify your decisions, but rather that you do the morally best thing for you, because that tends to fit in with true religious values.

I personally like the classic sermon about the religious guy who ignored the radio-warnings about the coming flood stating God would protect him. He also ignored the police-officer knocking at his door telling him to evacuate. When the floods came the Coast Guard had a small boat go by his house and from the second floor he told them God would save him. The rescue helicopter hovered over him when the water-level made his roof the last safe place, but he waved them away yelling that God would answer his prayers.
Well… He drowned.
When he got to Heaven he angrily asked for an audience with God.
"Why did you forsake me? I prayed and prayed, go to church, tithe… yet you sent a flood that killed me!"
God answered "I gave you warnings on the radio and TV. I sent a cop to your door. I sent a boat and then a helicopter. WHY DID YOU IGNORE ME!"

I think a site like SI could be your helicopter that could save your marriage. Don’t ignore whatever sent you here friend.

-
It’s quite a coincidence that this thread is here now. A friend of my wife is having a crisis. At the ripe old age of 58 she just learned that the man she always thought was her father wasn’t her father. Her mom had an affair and her real dad passed away some weeks ago, when this all came to light. This is totally emotionally wrecking this woman. I mention this because if the kid is his you can definitely raise it, but biologically you will never be the father. You two – your three – need to decide how to deal with that.

Cameron, you might be gone from the forum but if not I want you to please go back and read the answers that everyone gave you. This is such a good, sympathetic, empathetic, caring bunch that they only have your best interest at heart and do their very best to help you on your way.

It is perfectly normal to want to reconcile. I guess I’m too cynical sometimes for this forum because I say this will start bothering you while you are lying in the bed in the middle of the darkest part of the night going over and over things. When you do don’t lie there in sadness and sorrow. She needs to know the damage she has caused. Grownups own their mistakes. I hope she does.

You are going to have to watch her actions. Is she truly sorry for the pain she’s inflicted on you or is she just deciding she does not want to deal with it and you are not supposed to ask her questions. If that’s her behavior she’s still not committed to your marriage. She is supposed to be begging right now, you are not supposed to be.

In the USA there are a few crimes where there is no statute of limitations. Murder, rape, treason, arson. Yet there is a personal crime, cheating, that has years until the offense has been paid off. This only happens with real remorse. I hope your wife comes to this realization.

You need therapy. You need to be more protective of your heart and a good therapist will help. Do not try marriage counseling. It gets in the way of the rock bottom truth.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 1:50 AM, Thursday, January 26th]

One thing I wanted to ask you.

You said you are a Christian and you are forgiving her as a Christian. I understand that.

However, you never said whether she was a Christian. All that partying and drinking she was doing gives me pause to wonder because those are actions that are normally not associated with being a Christian.

Does she profess to being a Christian?

It might be good if she were a Christian because she would understand about Repentance and you giving her Grace for her sins. She might be able to understand that she should not take your gift of reconciliation lightly.

Anyway, I really and truly hope this goes well for you, because the cynical side of me over the years has seen rug-sweeping go horribly wrong. I hope yours doesn't.

Thou shalt not commit adultry. In the eyes of god, the marriage has already failed. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

Frist of all what she did was not a mistake, she had sex with another man and lied to you about it.
She dint fall on to him.

secondly, you say that you are broken...but I dont believe that someone who stays is broken enough.

maybe if she continues the affair or another affair pops up its head in the coming years you will be broken enough to leave.

CameronL

If you read my first post on your situation you will see I clearly state you can reconcile your marriage, and that you can love and raise this kid as your own.

I also emphasize the truth.

You talk about OM not deserving a child.
Well… Let’s remember its not clear if it’s his or yours. Let’s keep that in mind.

OK – Can be truthful and realistic?

You CAN reconcile your marriage but you need to reconcile it from infidelity – not the pregnancy.
Your wife didn’t make a "mistake". A mistake is forgetting to drop off the dry-cleaning, or taking a wrong turn. Your wife made a series of decisions and followed through with a series of actions. I’m not saying this to cause damage – YOU CAN RECONCILE – but if you dismiss this as a "mistake" then there is nothing preventing your wife from making another "mistake".

So take this with the seriousness it deserves. Make 100% certain that what drives your wife is not the fear of being a single mom with an unwanted kid. That fear doesn’t last and if you try to live with untreated infidelity it will pop up again. Treat the problem irrespective of the pregnancy.

Doesn’t matter if the OM "deserves" to be the father. Either he is or he isn’t. The question remains who the LEGAL father will be.
Even that is only slightly within your control.
OM could sue for paternity. Although be default a husband is registered as a father, he has the ability to sue for correct paternity. It’s a high bar – not anyone can just claim to be any kid’s father. But if he can prove to a judge that there was chance and opportunity then it’s likely the court would demand a test. That in turn might allow him some form of custody. Some means to be involved in your life for the next decades or so.
In other words: The OM isn’t out of the picture. You need legal advice on this and what the next possible steps could or should be.

Are you going to hide paternity from the kid or yourself?
Are you really going to convince me (or more importantly YOURSELF) that if you don’t check you will not look at that kid and wonder where it got it’s blonde hair or long fingers or whatever? Not going to feel a punch to your stomach when friends and family see your wife’s resemblance but nothing from you? Can you totally 100% tell yourself that any resentment caused by DOUBT will make you the best father?
Total honesty. Total truth.

I am 100% confident you can be the best father to any child – be it biologically yours or not. But only if dealt with from truth.

Then there is the child itself.
Like I shared my wife’s friend discovered she was wrongly fathered and it devastated her. Back in the days some schools in my area did blood-sample tests in biology and/or had the kids learn their and parents blood-type, and part of that was to show how kids could only have A if a parent was B or whatever. It was stopped when one kid too many discovered their dad couldn’t be their dad…
Or the rumor-mill and in fifth grade your kid get’s told by the class bully that he/she is a bastard.
Or when your kid has a health issue that is DNA related.

I don’t have ANY DOUBT at all that you can love that child like your own. Let’s not forget there is still a chance it is yours. But even if not, then I don’t have doubts about your ability to love it. But just keep in mind that the truth is what it is, and it’s always best to work from and with the truth.

Oh Cameron, I am all for forgiveness but by your WW not having any consequences whatsoever, she is learning that this behavior is acceptable and forgivable. I understand so well how you want to maintain the status quo, but this ain't the way. You can absolutely reconcile but it is such a long road and there is so much hard work the wayward has to do. You are granting her forgiveness that she has not earned and will not appreciate.

I am not judging you. I don't think anyone else here is. I (and many others here) did exactly what you are doing and I have prolonged my own personal suffering rather than just ripping off the damn bandaid. I drug my children through the whole process as well. Just like we knew how she was still lying and how she was going to react, we also know what happens when you rugsweep. I understand that hearing the things you don't want to hear from us may be overwhelming, but I promise you that we will be here to listen and support you if (when) she betrays you again.

You deserve better than this and I hope you realize that sooner rather than later.

((((Cameron))))

Cameron, a requisite for forgiveness is repentance.

To use the example of Christ, after He stopped the adulteress from getting stoned, His words to her were: "Go forth and sin no more."

The only way you can measure your wife's remorse and repentance is by her actions. This means that, at a bare minimum, she:

-Cuts contact permanently with OM
-Gets tested for STDs
-Quits her current job and gets a new job
-Is completely transparent with all of her devices (SnapChat days are over)
-No more nights out without you
-Stops drinking alcohol... which she should be doing anyway because she's pregnant!

There's plenty more that she will need to do to work on herself and aid you in the healing process, but again, the above is to just the bare minimum she should be doing to prove that forgiveness is even possible.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:52 PM, Thursday, January 26th]