SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello,

Like so many of you, I can’t believe I’m here. I suppose I’m looking for some words of advice. I found out just over 2 months ago that my now husband had a ONS with someone a few weeks before our wedding. It was someone he worked with. We were married in the summer last year and I thought everything was perfect.

He owned up to it after 6 months. I think the guilt got to him. I was of course extremely shocked. I’ve never seen him or anybody so distraught. I absolutely believe him when he says it was the biggest mistake of his life and I truly believe it’s only happened once in the 9 years we’ve been together. It’s so completely out of character.

To give our relationship some perspective, it wasn’t perfect. I certainly have been difficult to be around in some ways. I refused to be intimate a lot of the time, I have nagged at him for stupid things, argued about money a lot. Planning a wedding FOUR times due to covid really affected both of us and there’s generally been a lot of stress. The biggest thing is our work - I work an office job and he worked in restaurants with long, late night shifts. We rarely saw each other, never had days off together. We were ships in the night. He said he was lonely. He was also extremely drunk - I know of the exact night it happened, he was with a group of work colleagues as he was actually leaving this job to move to a normal day job like me. Now I know that absolutely NONE of this is an excuse and he should have spoken to me if he felt lonely or unseen but I strangely almost understand.

Here is a big reason as to why I do understand. About 10 months prior to him doing it, I had a night out where I was very close to doing it myself. In fact it was one of my friends who had to stop me. Now I’m not proud of this in anyway, and I felt ashamed of myself for it but I was pulled out of the situation before I was physical in any way. I didn’t kiss someone else - just very flirtatious but also very drunk. I woke the next day feeling sick about it - knowing that I didn’t want anything to ruin my relationship because I love him so much. I’m sure I’ll have a few responses saying being drunk isn’t an excuse - and I know that - but people do stupid things when they are drunk.

I’ve since found out that before this, I was the only person he’d slept with. We met when I was 22 and he was 20. I’d had my suspicions he’d never been with anyone else, but had never asked. Again, not an excuse but I (maybe naively) understand why when someone has thrown themselves at him (again, I believe him when he says that’s how it happened) his drunken brain has allowed him to do it - last chance of someone else before you get married etc.

I guess that’s the gist of it. He has done everything he should do since telling me. He cut all ties with the person and hasn’t seen her since. He’s been there for me, listened, and I know we love each other very much. We have talked more about our lives and I do feel like our relationship can be stronger. The only person who knows outside the two of us is his mother. She has been a huge help for me but I haven’t told any of my family and friends as once I do, I can’t take that decision back. My overwhelming feeling since day 1 was that I was staying and we were going to make this work. I have good days and bad days of course, but I feel in a decent place since I’ve found out.

I’m not sure why I’ve joined. Maybe just to get this off my chest because I’m mostly alone in it. We’re looking into counselling but getting a space is a nightmare at the moment.

Thank you for listening if you got this far. I hope you’re all doing good ❤️

Usually posts get responses more quickly than yours has. I'm writing just to say that I read your post.

Welcome to SI. Wanting to get this off your chest is the source of many memberships and posts, and it's a very good reason for joining/posting.

I suggest browsing the 'Healing Library', which is one of the headings on the banner, above. That may bring up some questions you want to ask.

Also, since you're planning to stay together, I recommend reading 'Beyond regret and remorse' in the 'R' (Reconciliation) forum.

Welcome to SI. Very sorry you find the need to be here but you will receive good support. You are still early on dealing with the trauma of his infidelity. Read in the healing library. As you know cheaters rarely tell the entire truth early on. He should be willing to answer any and all questions you have. Consider whether you should proceed to be tested for STD’s. It doesn’t matter how difficult you engagement was, or how difficult it was to be around you, there is no excuse for cheating. Nothing you did or didn’t do caused him to cheat. He needs to address his brokenness on how he got to the point where he was unfaithful, drunk or not. Take care of you. Eat healthy, get good rest and exercise. You have suffered a real trauma.

Hi Bookworm

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this right now.

To give our relationship some perspective, it wasn’t perfect

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None of us are perfect. None of us will ever be perfect. None of us have perfect relationships. Perfect doesn't exist. I want to be perfectly clear with you, your husband did not cheat because of problems in your relationship. Nothing you did or didn't do made him cheat. Do not take even a tiny portion or responsibility for any of this. You weren't a party to his cheating. He cheated because of problems within himself and in order to make sure he is a safe partner for you in the future, he will likely need to dig deep into what let him go there. My guess (as a starting point) would be sketchy boundaries, questionable relationships with coworkers, a sense of entitlement, and perhaps contributed to by some poor choices with alcohol.

The fact that you can understand how he got to where you are now may be an asset if you move towards reconciliation. It suggests to me that you may also have some work to do in tightening up boundaries of your own. I didn't cheat, but having gone through all of this as BS, I realized I had some areas where I needed to tighten up my boundaries too. I recommend you both read "Not Just Friends" by Janis Springs.

Good luck in your recovery.

Welcome to SI - there are a million reasons to join so even if you need to get something "off your chest". - you may find that you feel one way about it today and totally differently tomorrow. That's okay too. I understand about keeping it to yourself too. I did as well for over a year. In the end I realized I was doing it to protect my own "image" - I didn't want to be that person who was cheated on. People knowing made me feel worse about ME. In the long run it didn't matter as aside from one person who my WH knows, I wasn't hardly judged - and he judged me because I stayed.

So I would suggest thinking about what you need from him going forward and if you are able to TALK to him about it as the one thing that never seems to work is rugsweeping. Oh, and it's okay to be really upset and broken about "just one time" - it is okay to feel however you feel.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.

These messages have indeed helped me. I was really nervous that all the comments would automatically be ‘leave him’.

He is absolutely willing to talk about everything. He is really responding well to everything I suggest. He has very much made me and my feelings priority. We are looking into counselling but in the meantime we have ordered the suggested book, so thank you for the recommendation.

I really do relate to what you have said, ThisIsSoLonely. I feel like if I tell anyone, I don’t want people to feel sorry for me. I am planning on staying with him because I do understand WHY it happened, but I have said I will not take any responsibility for it - all the blame is on him and he is very aware of that. There is a long list of what I’m calling reasons (not excuses!)

The main reason for not telling anyone else is I don’t want them to hate HIM - which sounds crazy I know. I also never told anyone about my ‘almost’ night because I knew I would be judged and deep down I knew it meant nothing. Without going into too much detail, I was wrong and crossed a line - just not a physical line.

We were in a rut - and I am hopeful with a lot of talking and really hard work we can emerge better.

Thank you all again, I really do appreciate it ❤️

Bookworm

There are "positives" in your story. Just keep in mind that in this context "positive" is like it’s better to be stabbed with a clean blade rather than a rusty one.
What’s positive is that he confessed on his own free will and that he seems to be working on the issues. In a very slight way its also "positive" that this happened just before the wedding. I think that is a very "traditional" low-point for many – possibly some fear for the commitment and the "eternity" of the oncoming marriage. But… clean blade versus rusty – it still hurts a lot.

One thing you BOTH need to 100% accept and realize is that there is NOTHING you did or the relationship did that "made" him cheat. This is SO important and can define the rest of your marriage. If he thought there wasn’t enough intimacy, if you are moody or whatever… He had the option of raising the issue with you, and together as a couple you work your marital issues. If you or he think the other is unreasonable there are all sorts of options, up to and including divorce. But infidelity… no… not an option.
As life goes on there will be situations where you don’t get what you want. At none of those times does the situation explain or justify having an affair.

Then there is the "mistake"… No… This is a decision. It might have been a wrong decision, but still something he decided to do. This too is important because without that acknowledgement there is no way you can avoid a new "mistake".

What might help you two is to use this moment to understand how sensitive your relationship really is. For example: I find it helpful to remember that the ONLY reason I’m married is because I want it, and the ONLY reason my wife is married to me is because she wants to be. This realization between the two of us means that we are both working towards our individual and our combined happiness. It’s not as if I fear she will leave me for any small issue, but neither I nor she allows us to think we need to accept something because we don’t have options.
In your instance, it’s good for him to understand that this is more than ample reason for you to leave. In your instance it’s good to realize that you are DECIDING to stay. You both have options.
This is in line with my tag-line – if you are unhappy it is by reason of you alone. You can decide to move out of unhappiness, and IMHO you do that one step at a time.

I encourage you two to get couples counseling. Only don’t make it about his affair. Don’t make it about what you did or how you allowed the relationship to some place where he decided to cheat. Make it about you two finding a common goal and destination. Make it about you two having great communications. Make it about you two having a financial plan, a family plan, a strategy for how to keep your romance alive, a trust so you don’t fear asking him anything at any time. Make it about how to improve your relationship, rather than making it be about how best to keep his middle-limb in his pants.

Counseling is helpful for so many reasons. I hope it all works for the best of you both. Sorry to hear. I've been through two marriages wrought with unspeakable infidelity on his part and unfortunately, counseling was not an option. My only option was to divorce quickly.