SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello all,
I am a 35 yo female, my husband and I have been together since 2017, married in 2019 and had a baby in 2021. I would say we both have had some fears of deeper intimacy, so we never have had that in our relationship, and so when things got stressful (pregnancy and baby) we became disconnected and had trouble getting back on track.

I just found out 11 days ago that my husband has been having an affair that's lasted a year. He also had a female training buddy who he seemed to have an emotional affair with. I feel shocked, broken, sorrow, rage, completely overwhelmed, and at times unable to function with my daily life! I have been in fight or flight mode since. At first, I was relieved to know the truth (we all know something is going on..) and was delighted to have him back, as he pretty much left me all alone last year to take care of our home and child- he was never present when he was around. And now I feel embarrassed that I was so quick to embrace him after the pain he has caused. I feel that I need to prioritize my own healing rather than focus with intense desperation on keeping my husband.

My husband has been remoseful, embarrassed, and ashamed of the choices he's made. He says he is committed to taking every step needed to rebuild our marraige together and help us both heal. He has since deleted all social media from his phone, and cut off contact with the women, and he's been open to discussing why he made those choices and the issues he needs to heal in himself.

The problem I'm having is that I just feel so lonely since I haven't found anyone to talk to about this except my occasional meeting with my therapist. I am very careful to keep this private as I believe now I want to work through these issues, and I can't think of anyone I know who's been through this. On one hand, I can't believe we are already here when we have a relatively new marraige, and the other part of me wonders if it can help us become stronger. I'm just confused and would love any support for those who have experienced similiar situations. Thank you so much.

Welcome to SI. I'm so sorry you had to find us but so very glad that you did.

I feel shocked, broken, sorrow, rage, completely overwhelmed, and at times unable to function with my daily life! I have been in fight or flight mode since.

Yep, all normal for a new BS (betrayed spouse - that's you). It'll be like this for a good while. I'd say it took me about 5 months before I started feeling anything like solid ground mentally.

And now I feel embarrassed that I was so quick to embrace him after the pain he has caused.

You have nothing to feel embarrassed about - this is pretty normal too.

I feel that I need to prioritize my own healing rather than focus with intense desperation on keeping my husband.

You are MILES ahead of where I was 11 days out and this is EXACTLY right. You DO need to prioritize YOU right now. Especially with a new baby around. Make sure you are eating, drinking water, and getting as much good sleep as you can.

On one hand, I can't believe we are already here when we have a relatively new marraige, and the other part of me wonders if it can help us become stronger.

I won't blow smoke at you - it is a red flag that this happened this early on when you should be in your honeymoon phase, and especially because IIRC he has actually had two affairs, not one. And just to be clear, the marriage you had is dead. Cheating kills whatever marriage there was, so no your old marriage won't be 'stronger'. You have the choice now on whether you want to offer R (R for Reconciliation) and to try to rebuild a new marriage with your wh (wayward husband). But you do not have to offer R any time soon. For now, just watch and wait. Watch for decisive action on his part - frankly cutting contact and sm are the bare minimum of what he should be doing. Is he getting himself into IC (individual counseling)? Is he reading books/watching things/listening to podcasts/etc about his waywardness? Is he answering your questions fully without defensiveness? Is he doing any blame shifting? Is he broaching the subject of the affairs without prompting? Has he prepared a complete timeline of the affairs? Has he provided you with the ap's (affair partner(s) name(s)? Has he gotten std tested (and you should too btw)? Has he offered to take a polygraph? Has he provided you with complete access to all devices an sm messages?

At first, I was relieved to know the truth (we all know something is going on..)

Not trying to dash your hope, but be very careful with this thinking. It is a rare situation this early on when a ws has actually been 100% truthful. In almost all circumstances, the BS thinks they have 'the whole truth' only to find out that there was a LOT more. Just mentally prepare yourself that you likely don't have the whole story yet.

For now, you take care of you. Get yourself into IC if you can. Get std tested. And know that his cheating has absolutely not ONE thing to do with you - this is about him and his poor boundaries.

Keep posting and also read everything in the healing library. Hang in there!!

[This message edited by EllieKMAS at 6:12 PM, Monday, February 6th]

movementXO,

I'm so sorry that you are in the throes of the first days after discovery. It's gutting, and you will feel all over the place.

Please know that everything you are experiencing is normal...if any of this can be "normal." I also know that acknowledging that it's normal doesn't take the pain away. But it does validate your feelings.

You say:

And now I feel embarrassed that I was so quick to embrace him after the pain he has caused. I feel that I need to prioritize my own healing rather than focus with intense desperation on keeping my husband.

I remember wanting to try to just make it all okay early on. Then realizing that it's just not okay, and we were going to have to ride the "it's not okay rollercoaster" for a while.

EllieKMAS has given you a great deal of excellent advice and perspective. I'm going to add a bit more, but before I do, I want to acknowledge again that you are reeling emotionally right now. Expect that you won't retain some things. Expect that you won't understand some advice and perspectives that are offered. Expect that some things will only make sense later.

So, do come back to this thread and reread.

Also, feel free to accept what works and reject what doesn't make sense for you.

We are a collective hive of experience and wisdom here on SI. But we each have to make our own decisions and walk our own path.

My advice for now: I would press pause on the relationship for a bit...maybe an unspecified amount of time while you decide how you really feel. Maybe an in-house separation.

I know that sounds so scary. But being too quick to embrace him again may send the message that he is the prize not you. And let me be clear: YOU are the prize. The woman who is loyal and can be counted on. The woman who has been picking up the slack while he's "not present" even when he's present and while he's taken the time and energy to cultivate outside girlfriends. You are the prize. Own that.

He needs to seek individual counseling to explore why he's been so self-centered and destructive in the choices he's made. Why has he been running so hard from marriage and responsibility? How can he become the man and partner he needs to be to demonstrate over and over again that he is safe and reliable to you?

A side note: It's likely you still don't know everything...because people who cheat also lie. They are focused on protecting themselves. As part of his work with IC, he needs to create a written timeline of the affairs.

Please do reach out to a trusted friend or family member to support you.

I'm so sorry you are here, but happy you found us.

Welcome to SI, the best club nobody wants to join. Sorry that you've had to find us. Infidelity is the pain I've ever gone through.

There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that are very helpful. Also, the Healing Library has lots of great information. The Healing Library includes a list of acronyms.

It's terrible that he cheated so early in the M. Watch actions and not just words. Is he willing to do the work to be a safe partner?

Hi EllieKMas,
Thank you for writing me and sharing your advice and experience. It's not what I wanted to hear but what I needed to hear. Since you raised a flag about his multiple partners, it led me to realize I believe he is a serial cheater. I brought this up to him last night and expressed my concerns about it probably being an addiction he has and probably will take that much more effort to heal and overcome. He was receptive to hearing it and talking about it and agreed to talk about that in his upcoming IC session.

He's prepared the timeline of affairs but like you and BreakingBad have suggested - there is probably plenty that I still don't know. When and how will I find out the rest? That is his responsibility to figure out and come to me with after his IC work, yes?

Also - for some reason he is defensive about the emotional affair and still does not agree with me that's what it is. So something is weird there for some reason and I'm not sure why.

I am in IC and upping my appointments to get through this horrific period. I will get STD tested as well. Thank you again 💗

Hi BreakingBad,
Thank you for replying to my post. I feel like I've been hit by a truck. How long will I feel this horrible? My body feels broken down and beat up from the intense spike in cortisol and my resting heart rate has been up like 10% since I found out. I just feel so unsafe and don't know how to come back down to a more normal place.

My advice for now: I would press pause on the relationship for a bit...maybe an unspecified amount of time while you decide how you really feel. Maybe an in-house separation.

I know that sounds so scary. But being too quick to embrace him again may send the message that he is the prize not you. And let me be clear: YOU are the prize. The woman who is loyal and can be counted on. The woman who has been picking up the slack while he's "not present" even when he's present and while he's taken the time and energy to cultivate outside girlfriends. You are the prize. Own that.

I definitely agree with pressing pause on the relationship and having an in-house separation. How long would you do this? You're right, I am the prize, I have been loyal and made good decisions, he's not. If he relapses back to his affairs because he isn't getting physical affection from me, I guess that would have happened anyway, huh?

He needs to seek individual counseling to explore why he's been so self-centered and destructive in the choices he's made. Why has he been running so hard from marriage and responsibility? How can he become the man and partner he needs to be to demonstrate over and over again that he is safe and reliable to you?

A side note: It's likely you still don't know everything...because people who cheat also lie. They are focused on protecting themselves. As part of his work with IC, he needs to create a written timeline of the affairs.

Thank you for this. I will definitely share that these are the things I expect from him as part of his IC work. I appreciate you!

Please don't be so quick to label him a sex addict. He could be,or he could just be a serial cheater. Many serial cheaters are quick to latch on to the SA label,because it gives them an excuse for past affairs, and future affairs. They blame their "addiction," and they can't help it, they have a "disease." Only a certified sexual addiction therapist can diagnose if he is a SA. There is no cure for SA. The possibility of cheating again is extremely high. But,that's true of serial cheaters as well.

SA, or serial cheater, neither bode well for a successful reconciliation.

Google polygraph administrators in your area. Schedule a test. Tell him you are going to take his timeline and base questions for the test on his timeline. With a serial cheater they're very,very comfortable in their lies and manipulations. You need to have a foundation of truth, whether you decide to attempt reconciliation, or decide to separate.

What is he doing to become a safe partner? The minimum...

Complete timeline, verified by the polygraph.

Full transparency. You get full access to all accounts and the phone. Passwords included.

He goes total NC with all OW.

He drops any friends who knew of the affairs.

No opposite sex friends.

He answers all of your questions, without anger or defensiveness. And zero blame.

A complete std panel.

No social media.

He is accountable for his time away from you.

If his affairs were with coworkers, he finds a new job.

He is proactive in healing the damage he has caused you, himself, and the marriage.

And anything else you need to begin to feel safe.

Your only job is to care for yourself and the kids. Get tested for stds. And you need to call the other women's husbands,and inform them of the affair. They deserve to, know for all of the reasons you deserve to know.

Do NOT share this site with him. One of the worst mistakes a BS can make is to share this site with a freshly caught WS. This is your safe place.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:53 PM, Tuesday, February 7th]

movementXO-

I’m so very sorry that you’ve had to find your way here, but happy for you that you have. This group of misfits are some of the best to help support you in this trauma. First, please don’t inform your husband about this site. Oftentimes BS’s get so much out of SI that you think your cheater could also benefit (possible) but for now keep this as your safe haven. You don’t want to give him a blueprint on how to manipulate you, by giving him access to your thoughts. But as importantly, this reconciliation effort should be led by him. Let him find SI on his own if he’s truly committed to becoming the spouse you deserve.

I feel that I need to prioritize my own healing rather than focus with intense desperation on keeping my husband

Yes yes yes, I love that you’ve said this. This is your primary focus. And if your husband is truly remorseful, he would agree that you should prioritize yourself. Very often the BS will do all the work while the cheater just follows along to do the bare minimum. Or you so desperately want the pain to end you’re tempted to sweep it all under the rug for things to go back to "normal." But as has been stated, your marriage as you knew it is over. You’ll have to build a new one. And rugsweeping leads to ongoing pain and resentment on your part, and signals to your husband he can keep cheating because there’s no consequences for cheating.

Gently, your husband is not remorseful, not if he is being defensive about his emotional affair. You should look up the difference between regret and remorse. Also the book NOT ‘Just’ Friends. And it’s possible you only know the tip of the iceberg, most cheaters "trickle-truth" and only reveal the truth piecemeal and under pressure to do so. Also look up what trickle truth is. As well, I’m concerned by your vocabulary that he’s "open" to things. Again, he should be leading this reconciliation effort, he should be wanting to do the work if he’s serious about rebuilding a marriage with you.

Did you catch him or did he confess? Who is his affair partner? Does his AP have a spouse? Who ended the affair? When/how did the affair take place? I’m not trying to be all up in your business and am not asking for the blow by blow. I ask because if he confessed, that would be a signal of remorse. And if there’s an other betrayed spouse, the OBS should be told. And if your husband is against informing the OBS, that is indicative of non remorse and/or he may be wanting to protect the AP which does not bode well for reconciliation. The who when where and hows are indicative of how depraved his actions were. Cheating is cheating but there is an inherent difference if he was fucking the 18 yr old babysitter, a co-worker, or your sister.

It’s great that he’s writing out a timeline. You can tell him that you want him to take a lie detector test once he completes it to confirm the validity. Not because lie detectors are intrinsically accurate, but his reaction to the thought that his lies will be tested is what you want to monitor.

As has been said, it does not bode well that you’ve only married for 4 years and he’s cheated for 25% of it. And cheated at least twice which makes him a serial cheater, they rarely change, generally speaking, people don’t change. I’m not a big proponent of reconciliation because as far as I’m concerned, he knew what he was risking and did it anyway. He didn’t value you, your marriage or family. HOWEVER, there are people who have happily (or unhappily) reconciled on SI and their spouses did much worse. It take 2 people to reconcile and a lot of effort on the part of your husband to rehabilitate himself, it can happen, just keep in mind you can’t control or force him to do anything and you cannot control the outcome.

Let me just say "Ditto" on all the great advice you have received. I agree with all of it. But I would also point you to "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. It is for your WS but you will also want to read it so that you can better understand what you need to see in your WS if he truly wants to change and make you feel safe. Otherwise his instinct will be to minimize his affairs and sweep everything under the rug. I credit that book with "waking up" my WS and allowing us to do the work necessary for reconciliation. It is short and pithy and he can read it in a short time.

Hi @movementXO I'm so sorry you're having to go through the pain of betrayal and my heart truly goes out to you. IC for both of you is indeed a good start especially as you have decided on R. I would also suggest MC too as you move forward in your R journey so you can also deal with any past issues in your marriage and issues that might arise from your H's infidelity. Good MC should also help you get answers to some of the questions weighing on your mind.

You mentioned that you are careful to keep what has happened private which is really your prerogative but I think you will benefit from the support of a close and trusted family member or friend especially in these early days.
I know from my own R journey that when my H and I decided to share with a trusted mentor of ours what we were going through in our marriage that a greater level of accountability came into play for my H which really helped us.

It's great that your H is showing remorse for his actions and hopefully time will tell if he is sincerely remorse and willing to do all he can to rebuild the broken trust. I do have to say that it's important for both of you not to rug sweep issues that might arise in order to get back to 'normality' quickly as this will not be beneficial for true lasting R. Please remember that no matter what has happened, YOU are worthy of love that can be trusted.

Praying the near future brings you healing, strength and wisdom for your decisions. Much hugs ))).

I’m sorry you have had to suffer but at least you found SI where we understand and will support you.

I want to take a moment to caution you about the emotional affair. Far too often people who have engaged in inappropriate "friendships" are fooling themselves. And lying.

The cheater knows darn well that the "friendship" is leading them down a very dangerous path. They would never approve of their spouse having this type of "friendship", but they lie to themselves when they say because nothing happened (sex or other intimate contact) that this is not an affair.

My husband had a four year long emotional affair. He refused to admit it and Gaslit me the entire time. Had I known what I know now, I should have ended the marriage right then because it showed me exactly what kind of person he was. He was selfish and chose to be a liar, rather than being honest about his affair.

Just a warning that while "the cheater wants to do everything they can" - being honest and truthful doesn’t appear as the top priority.

If you think he had an EA - he did. Whether he admits it or not. And if he will not admit it, you have even more problems than you think.

Don’t be me. Don’t make my mistake. You don’t want to face a second affair like I did.

Infidelity is difficult no matter the situation. I hope you are able to find the help you need to navigate through the situation and wish you all the best.

Welcome. I am sorry we have to meet for this reason, but know that we all get what you are going through.

Others with more time and space than I have (tomorrow is one month from my DDay) have already given some excellent advice. I will just add this. IT is something I learned from my conversations here: RECOVER FIRST, THEN DECIDE.

Like you, I had a complex first response. I knew before I knew, and finally I felt like I could see and name and respond to this thing killing my marriage. I wanted to feel like we could move on.

But infidelity is at its core about violations of trust, and you can't sweep that under the rug. An affair BREAKS something in a relationship.

Give yourself time and space to recover before you have to decide anything. I made this explicit to my WS. It's similar to the idea of an in-house separation, but I actually put it this way to my WS: either he believes he is just the sort of guy who cheats or he violated his own values by doing what he did. If the second, he needs time and space to figure out how he was open to a relationship with someone else (someone he built into a fantasy of a soulmate). In the same way, I need time to understand what I can and cannot get over and forgive. We share two children that will always connect us, and we need to rebuild enough to act in ways that minimize the harm to them.

IT has been a gift. I have had time to get into therapy and explore legal advice. We can talk, but I have created a space and a distance I need. When he starts talking about the future, I remind him that we are only in recovery. The future is a question for the next stage.

Know that we are all here for you, too. Sending a virtual hug. You are not alone in this. Many of us here are going through this with you.