SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all, I am new on here. Husband of 11 years (together 15) engaged in an online affair for approx 5 months last spring. We have 4 kids under 10. He was stupid enough to keep all the messages. There were no naked pictures. They spoke 3 times via FaceTime. They never met in person or video called. I am 99.9% sure this is true as I trawled everything at the time and the messages were all in one place. They live on different continents and I know they never met. He had saved every message.

Despite never meeting they were apparently ‘madly in love’, ‘soulmates’ etc . Full of admiration and words and songs etc. It was like reading texts a 15 year old wrote.

During the 5 months He was getting weirder and weirder. He followed the script and rewrote our history. I was the bad guy and he wasn’t happy, just staying for the kids etc (according to the messages). When he said he wanted to leave he made out it was all my fault. I wasn’t kind or loving or caring etc. I was floored (I didn’t know anything about this lady at this point). I got us into counselling and read everything I could. I lost a lot of weight, couldn’t focus, I was heartbroken and didn’t understand what was going on.

Eventually I said it’s fine, although I love you you aren’t happy so let’s find a way to split up.

Then he changed and he started acting normal again. I checked his phone and found the messages.

I said straight away I am not doing this. The poor woman on the phone thinks you are in a marriage where you wife doesn’t care about you. She thinks I hate you and you are leaving. I’m not playing this game. If you want to go, there’s the door, leave, it’s not a prison. He wanted to stay. We talked for weeks had couple counselling for a while and read books. He followed the script to the letter.

I am not sure if the woman was actually a scammer (no photographs ever), weird social media (some of which was hidden and I reverse searched at the time). Never shows her face. Surely no one would be so sad as to fall for the garbage he wrote? Looking back he is not sure it wasn’t a scam, which he has said makes him feel foolish too.

This year I still feel pretty rubbish some days but okay others. I am now functioning (I’m certain I had PISD). Being hit by a truck would have been preferable to how I felt. I have had days where I cried non stop. Shouted at him. Told him to leave etc.

I’m not sure how I feel. Flat really. Disappointed. I love him and want our relationship to work. Funnily the affair was due to not feeling loved, but I adored him. Truely adored him. I was busy, 4 kids and working full time, I’m the main earner. But how much I adored him is one of the bits that makes me sad for him. He really wanted kids and marriage (more than I ever did). He was having counselling during the affair (bereavement) but I’ve read the counsellors texts which are bizarrely inappropriate, he was aware of the affair. I understand the brain chemicals. The reason people are drawn in. I know I’ll never totally understand his reasons.

His reality hit about 3 days after d day. I saw the fog lift. He broke down. He has broken down many times since. We are together.
But what is yet to come?

I was adopted at birth and am happy with my life I am good at forgiveness. I had trust issues as a teenager due to this and have worked on them for years, so funnily trust is not an issue. My self esteem is good. I feel fine about me. I know people make mistakes, none of us are perfect. I look at him and think idiot somedays, others I feel disappointing, others anger, other days love. But he has fallen hard from the pedestal I put him on. I truly thought he was amazing. I doubt I’ll get that feeling back.

But he has destroyed my love of music (songs being shared), art, films, words, emojis, so much stuff. I didn’t have a sheltered life and this marriage was special to me. He has taken stuff from me- that’s what I’m finding hard. I recognise my response may be a bit different (possibly due to being adopted).

I’m flat. Really flat. He is attentive, loving, caring. We have fun. Like the early days of our marriage. He said every day we are together he appreciates. He is Remorseful. I have not told anyone except an IC and the mc. I have worked full time throughout and been there for my children.

Will I feel better? Has anyone any tips for me?

I believe that it depends on what the WS is doing..if a BS is staying with the WS, if the WS is putting in the work,the BS will feel better sooner,rather than later.

What work is he doing on himself to become a safe partner? The work has nothing to do with being attentive,helping with the kids,or doing housework. All of that is simply being an adult.

Something you said,that needs to be made clear. He did not cheat because he didn't feel loved. That is an excuse the WS comes up with,in order to blame their BS.

He needs to dig a lot deeper,and figure out why he really had an affair. Hint..it has nothing to do with you. Nothing you did, or didn't do, caused him to cheat.

Also..cheating is a choice. He didn't make a mistake. A mistake is grabbing skim milk,instead of whole milk. He chose to cheat. Thousands of choices.

Also,he didn't love her. He doesn't know her..cheaters lie to everyone..their BS, themselves,and the AP.

Almost all WS tell their AP that they are unhappy,unloved,and staying for the kids. It's a way of explaining their terrible behavior. The OW isn't innocent. She had an affair with a married man. She is completely responsible for her bad behavior.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:53 PM, Monday, February 27th]

Sadly I can't give you any tips as to whether you'll ever feel better, as I am at the same point as yourself - disappointed, flat etc 💗 I just wanted to say I really understand how you feel and you're not alone *hugs*.
I think you're correct in that everyone will react differently to affairs, possibly due to their own upbringing... I wasn't adopted like yourself but I had a lot to cope with growing up and it made me extra careful in who I chose as a 'safe partner' when I was younger, I spent 10yrs with my husband before having a child as I wanted to be sure I'd chosen someone who I could bring up my child with in a happy family, because I didn't have that. My son is 6 and my husband's affair has had a profound affect on me and one that I realise will change me forever. I don't say that to be dramatic, it's just the truth for me. I've been able to understand the psychological reasons why he did what he did and make sense of it, he is a broken man now & I foresee it taking a long time for him to forgive himself & work on his own shit. I know I'm strong enough to get through this and carry on with my life but I won't be the same person I was before sadly, but I've accepted that and am working to make myself happy and put myself before him. The only advice I can offer is to make sure you look after yourself going forward, make yourself happy & fulfilled, don't rely on your husband for this, although it's great that he is remorseful and you are getting on well (I know that's helped me move forward), but don't forget to put yourself first 😊 x

So sorry you are going through this, but you will receive good support. Yes, you will feel better. Time will help. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders and a good outlook. I agree with HellFire. Your WH has to dig deep to see how he got to the point to betray you. Please read in the healing library and the pinned threads. It’s not clear how your WH engaged in his EA. Did he pursue an online relationship with women online? Was he looking for women online? Or was there some other connection to this woman that just expanded beyond flirting to a full blown EA? Before you can feel comfortable with your WH he has to figure out how he became so broken to pursue this EA and jeopardize his M and his wonderful family. Good luck.

Thank you for your replies. I don’t have long before work so my response will be brief.

I think he has issues with communication, he is scared to say what he thinks for fear of upsetting me. This trait was there when we met. I think small lie after small lie occured and this led to him justifying his actions and rewriting me as the villain.

This person contacted him with a ‘you look hot’ text through social media and it snowballed from there. They had previously liked each other’s posts. He was using SM for business and his need for validation grew and grew. Again I think this trait was present.

I think he overthinks and replays conversations on his head. Again this trait was always there.

He has dug deep (as per other threads) but I’m not sure he’s there 100% yet. Occasionally he would try to justify and I cut it dead with ‘there is nothing you can say to justify how you chose to behave’. I have asked him to lift the rug and search for what allowed him to make the Choices he made. I am happy to improve our previous relationship, I really want to, but I’m not responsible for his choices.

It was only a few months later that I thought it could be a scam artist. If I was functioning normally I would have thought it very quickly.

Also I am nervous of him going to IC due to the counsellor he had before. I read the counsellors texts and they were very misogynistic. I was surprised he was prepared to put such thoughts in writing.

He attended counselling for bereavement and it progressed into him being unhappy with our marriage and self esteem.

My background means I have always thought I had poor emotional reasoning skills. It’s not my strongest point. I take a bit longer to process some emotions and I’m a master at cutting off relationships to stop me feeling hurt.

In some ways I have found the last few months therapeutic which sounds most odd. I have hit rock bottom and had to process things. I have not gone back to my old way! I no longer feel anxiety like I did (never been in medication but I was a natural worrier from a very young age). I can’t control people’s behaviour or dig them out of trouble (I am the person everyone turns to). I stopped IC because I needed to take time to process.

I am however a bit lost as those things made me who I am and now who am I?

Thanks for reading, sorry it’s a bit jumbled but I’ve read posts on this website and it seems like a safe place.

I think you need to work on accepting yourself and your response to your H's EA (Emotional Affair). It was online and apparently non-sexual, so you don't have to deal with real life PA, but it was betrayal, nonetheless. I think you're unrealistic in thinking you should be farther along in your healing. You're less than a year out from d-day, and the 'antiversary' of your WS's A is coming up. This is not a good time for many of us. Personally, I was a wreck for 3-4 years around the antiversary of d-day - and it was 4+ months of being a wreck before the first.

Also, I, too was in good emotional shape on d-day - good boundaries, liked myself, etc. The trauma of being betrayed was insidious for me ... my self-esteem stayed high for a few months and then just started deteriorating. It took a couple-few years to get back to normal. It just did. I share that because you may be experiencing something similar.

I, too, ask: What is your WS doing to heal, to change from betrayer to good partner? Do you have requirements for R? If so, what are they?

My W and I worked hard at R, and we are happy now. The specialness is back for me ... it's somehow different than it was, and I hate the fact that our cute story isn't all that cute anymore, but we are truly together. If that's what you and your H want and will work for, you can probably build a new M that you want.

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

What work is he doing? That’s a good question. The kids/housework etc he has always contributed equally/more than equally as he was a stay at home parent. We always worked great as a team. If I dropped dead tomorrow they could fully function as a household.

Time - he used to focus on his hobby most nights after the kids went to bed. This has stopped. We now spend a couple of hours each evening, talking, chilling, catching up without the children. His priority is our family. I certainly feel more connection.

He has read several books and is focusing on Gottmans book mainly. He rereads sections most weeks and works on the ideas.

He is talking about his insecurities regularly. I believe this all stems from validation and allowing his brain to interpret meaning which is incorrect. I think that’s why he went on down online affair rabbit hole. His brain filled in the gaps. She never even sent a photo of her face! (Hence my scam concerns). He allowed himself to fill in the blanks. I am very careful not to put words in his mouth about what allowed him to do what he did.

Initially I waited to see the remorse hit, it did one evening a month or so after I found out and he broke down. Knowing him and how he is I needed that to happen - I was pleased it happened.

It’s odd I can’t quite articulate what he is doing but it’s working for me.

Dates - I am rubbish with dates. I cannot for the life of me remember what date I found out. I have double checked twice as I know what I did that afternoon but I can’t retain the information. I checked last month as I was looking at pictures on my phone. I also can’t retain other important dates so it’s not unusual for me. I don’t see the point in reminding myself again though.