SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Glad your dad is flying in to help you. I can't imagine the total chaos you're enduring. Please take care of yourself during this time.

This isn't infidelity related, but is related to having too much going on in your life. During a time when my kids were little and life was busy with work and Little League plus everything else, I was taking the youngest DS to his baseball practice. Driving down our street, I saw a little old lady out in her yard with a broom and dust pan to clean her yard. I thought to myself, "Some day, I will have so little to do that I will be out in my yard with a broom and dust pan."

Although you are in the midst of a crisis and so much going on, some day you will have so little to do that you'll be doing the most mundane task you could imagine. I

I admire your fortitude in all of this and I know it isn't easy. I doubt I could do what you're doing.

Hang in there, it does get better.

Thank you so much, HouseofPlane and leafields.

I'm trying to take this one day at a time. I appreciate the thoughts.

HouseofPlane, the 12 points on your profile really hit home. I've been reading and rereading them.

I've been really falling apart lately. It's a lot. We have so much stupid shit. I just want someone to come in with a snowplow and be done with it (I've felt this way every time I've moved, but damn, going through half a decade of his and my stuff is extra brutal). Take, toss, sell, donate? Thousands of times over. The decision fatigue is no joke.

To add another twist to this sordid tale, I found my husband's step 4 work. Multiple columns written about the people he had resentments against and exactly what they did. He had written a couple pages about me. It was under a pile of love letters I had written him over the years. I recognized it after half a page, and then couldn't stop reading. Now I feel awful for prying into his secrets. And also awful about what I learned. This is considered a pretty big betrayal in the AA community. Part of me is saying, "Shit, you're just as bad as him. Control yourself."

Another part is saying, "You're not going to get through this."

I'm so tired.

At any time, he could have come to you and discussed any of those topics. He didn't.

I don't consider what you did as a betrayal. As a married couple, you are considered a single entity or being. Don't beat yourself up about it. It's like the phone thing. "You can't have my phone!" Um, we're married and it's our phone.

It is a lot of work and your move has come at a very terrible time. And when you're unpacking, you're probably going to see some stuff and wonder why you kept it.

He created a mess (both literally and figuratively) that you have to clean up. It's not your fault that in the process of that clean up, you found those papers and read them. That "betrayal" is a splinter in his finger compared to the multiple knives he's driven into your back.

You will get through this and you will not only survive, but thrive. How can I say this definitively? Because through out this entire process, you have taken clear and decisive action. You have looked out for yourself and for your kids. Someone weaker or less resolute might've put their head in the stand or allowed themselves to succumb to analysis paralysis. You've made hard decisions and followed through on them.

You're not alone. In real life, you have people who love you and have your back; in the online world, you have us. You got this.

I recognized it after half a page, and then couldn't stop reading. Now I feel awful for prying into his secrets. And also awful about what I learned. This is considered a pretty big betrayal in the AA community.

Please don't spend a millisecond of your time feeling bad for looking. It is a matter of human brain function to try and understand "the story" of the bomb that's gone off in your life. It's a natural result of trauma, something we all do because we're human animals and that's the way our brains are made. You couldn't change that if you tried. Yeah, it feels very OCD and out of control, but that's just the nature of the thing. I remember feeling frantic, almost crazed, in my search for answers. It gets better with time, and it gets better faster when we get a conscious understanding of why we feel the way we do. Try The Body Keeps Score by Bessel van der Kolk for an in depth understanding of the effects of trauma.

Remember too that you wouldn't be there on your own, responsible for sorting and packing everything the two of you own, if he hadn't made a deliberate choice to be unfaithful. This isn't just about his addictions. His addictions didn't make him betray you. That was choice, after choice. after choice he made, often while stone cold sober.

It's so easy to slip into the familiar pattern of empathy. It's what we're used to, loving and caring for our spouse. And it makes us feel a little better about what's happening to us emotionally because it makes it easier to step back and be a clinical observer. It gives us the illusion of control. These brief respites from pain, as you apply empathy to his POV, can feel very welcoming, and believe me, I'm NOT saying we should never have empathy. I'm only saying that it can be a pretty big distraction from handling your business and it can make you blame yourself for things that aren't your fault.

((hugs))

I don't consider what you did as a betrayal.

He created a mess (both literally and figuratively) that you have to clean up. It's not your fault that in the process of that clean up, you found those papers and read them.

Please don't spend a millisecond of your time feeling bad for looking. It is a matter of human brain function to try and understand "the story" of the bomb that's gone off in your life. It's a natural result of trauma, something we all do because we're human animals and that's the way our brains are made. You couldn't change that if you tried.

Thank you, all of you, for the perspective. I told WH I had done it and he had been gracious, to his credit. I asked him about some things in there and learned some pretty awful stuff about his past. Cheating on other partners, go figure, but also a drunken episode where he had tried to force himself on one of his best friends, and only stopped because he had not been sexually experienced enough to know how to proceed, and then because the friend started vomiting from being too drunk.

Yesterday I was at a birthday party for my boys' friends. I was trying to be social and it was going well enough. We were outside and all our littles were splashing in kiddie pools. I happened to peek through the hedges and saw OW coming to the party with her two small children. I went to a group of people hanging out at the edge of the party, turned my back to the entrance of the yard, and tried to jump into the conversation with the people there.

From there, I only remember flashes. I remember kneeling by one of the kiddie pools, hanging on to it, and my nanny saying, "You need to go home, you're panicking."

I remember sending WH a message saying, "You both suck."

And then, I remember clinging to the edge of the tv table in my living room, screaming, while one of my friends and my own toddler rubbed my back.

I don't remember how I made it home. Apparently I said goodbye to people and brought some of the boys' belongings home. And messaged WH a few more times.

I haven't had such a long or intense dissociative episode in years. This is real trauma, and more than my mind can really take. I've only seen OW twice since February 16th, and both times I was powerless to stop the sudden, crushing panic.

My body is burning from all the stress. I took a long bath with a relaxing bath bomb. That helped a little. I also went out to eat with friends. They were so sweet and supportive. One of them said she saw a glimpse of the person I was going to be without WH, and she knew I was going to thrive. That was so powerful. Before this, we didn't know each other very well.

This morning, I took the dog out for a run (I never do that). It felt good to move.

Yesterday, before I went to the party and had this episode, I had been talking logistics with WH before he went to sleep. He mentioned, "I think infidelity is one of your greatest fears. And even with that, you've persisted."

I don't know what the hell that line was supposed to do, but it set me off. Yes, I had told him repeatedly that I valued loyalty and integrity. I had told him when I had nightmares about him cheating and showing zero remorse, while the community rallied around him in support. He knew it was a hard boundary, and it seemed like he just wanted to tell me that it was okay that he broke it, because it didn't kill me. I told him, "I'm not ready to follow that line of thinking. If I'm persisting, I'm just barely persisting. If it happened to me again, it might just kill me. The wound is deep and some days it is all-consuming."

He apologized but all I wanted was to get him off the phone.

I am flying home in ~5 days. I'm so broken.

I just wanted to share what happened.

Inchstones, HPFP. Come up with a plan, simpler is better, then one foot in front of the other. One hour at a time. One task at a time. Before you know it, you’ll cross the line.

One of the items from the 12 survival hints is "Enjoy the journey." Think about how that can apply here. Enjoy and pause to appreciate each time people reach out to help, and show they care, because they do. We do.

Even your dirtbag partner. His comment on your fear and yet strength reminds me of when my wife complemented me on my total self-confidence. I thought of the image of a duck, placidly moving through the water, paddling like mad underneath.

Keep being the duck, HPFP. We know what is really going on.

How did the move go HotPink?

Hi Hotpink

I just read your thread. I am really sorry that you had to find us here.

I have a few things to share with you.

1. It will get better, I promise. One day at a time. If that is too hard, 1 hour at a time.

2. You are an incredible person, so strong and focused on the right things. You have survived infidelity in an environment that most of us have never come close to. I think you are admirable.

3. This isn’t easy for anyone. Gosh, I wailed to a cop as he was talking to me about my driving. Wailed about my cheater. So what if you have a day where you lose control. It is ok. The pressure you have been under is huge.

4. Take care of you. It is really important. Those babies need mom. Try to exercise, try to sleep and eat healthy. Small things, short walks in the park. Watch comedies if you have time. Whatever it is that makes you happy.

5. Do what is right for you. Your ex is unbelievable, not the prize. You are young and deserve better from life that what he can give you. What a manipulator.

I hope your move back to the US has gone well. You must be utterly exhausted. Hope to hear how you are soon.

Hugs.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 12:01 PM, Tuesday, May 9th]

Where has the time gone?

Thank you to everyone who checked in and supported me.

Let me answer the above question. I did have a breakdown and lose control in an airport after over 24 hours travel. Screamed at my dad and made everyone in baggage claim freeze for 30 seconds or so. There were delays and missed connections that resulted in 34 hour travel time. It was too much. But I made it.

Being back in the US had felt like the finish line in the yearlong days between my flights and D-Day. I couldn't imagine anything past that. It was like charting a course to the peak of a mountain without a plan on how I was going to get down.

In the days before the flight, my contact with WH to take advantage of his love-bombing turned into me actually wanting to talk to him and see him in person. The night I landed, I went to his hotel and read through all the messages between him and his AP since D-Day. I read things aloud and made him listen to the voicenotes he sent her. I was shocked by how shallow it was. Two people talking at each other, sometimes with trite, empty words of affection. They didn't have anything specific they liked about each other or any common interests. I also learned that someone I had thought was a friend had sent the AP a comforting message after I called her and my WH "homewreckers" on a group chat with 5 close friends on it. The not-friend was shocked by how rude and inconsiderate such an act was. How dare I be so rude to the woman who came on to my husband and told him every day to run away with her! I also learned that AP was the one who encouraged him to start drinking again after 2 years of abstaining. Wow, telling an alcoholic that he should and deserves to drink. True love? He sent her a selfie with the first of dozens of drinks he consumed in 24 hours. Crazy that this appalling woman was worth risking it all for.

Lots of insanity after I landed. When the adrenaline wore off (it took a while), I descended into an all-consuming depression. My doctor referred me to a psychologist specializing in PTSD. I've only done an intake with the psych so far, but she confirmed the PTSD diagnosis. I'm not a wimp, not faking it for attention. I'm struggling every day. Events I could not control continue to control me.

I'm living with my parents in what my counselor calls "family-of-origin hell." I've come to realize I've internalized my mom's feeling that she doesn't deserve to rest. She saw my blank, bleary movement through the day, frequent retreats to my room, etc., as me being lazy and taking advantage of her support. This culminated in me overhearing her tell my sister that, if she had to choose between her difficult life situation and her husband sleeping with the neighbor, she'd choose her husband sleeping with the neighbor. Yeah. Maybe stop and reread that. WTF. I confronted her, she told me that I was living such a luxurious life and making everyone else watch my children while I took naps. She accused me of crying during that conversation as a manipulative tactic. I told her, "Every minute of every day, I'm on the verge of crying. So, yeah, I'm going to cry. Now let's talk about this." Despite me telling her about my diagnosis of severe clinical depression, she hadn't registered it or perhaps accepted it. She told me that I was impossible to talk to because I was so emotionally volatile that it scared her. I asked when, since I'd landed, I'd shown scary emotional volatility. She admitted I hadn't. That's why she assumed I was okay, because I was calm, because sometimes I smiled or laughed. I told her that I worked hard every day to stay calm, that a lot of my retreating to my room (after making sure someone was watching the boys) was me working through triggers or easing a panic attack before it got to the point of no return. I told her that I woke up every morning unable to get out of bed, that I sometimes took an hour to psych myself up enough to rise, so I set my alarm accordingly. I told her I didn't feel like I was living, just dragging a deceptively healthy-seeming body through each day, my heart and mind barely able to function. She finally accepted the extent of my struggle. She apologized for the awful thing she had said. It was so easy to forgive something like that. Still, it brought up old trauma from childhood, more material to sift through in IC.

I don't recognize my WH. Something internal has shifted in him. He takes initiative, he is compassionate, he stands up for me, he listens and supports. He puts me first in everything, instead of a distant second or worse. He is honest in his communication and respectful of my boundaries. He admires me and pursues me. In these months, I've been waiting for the mask to crack, for him to get tired and revert to his old self, but any time he starts to slip, he admits his mistake and makes amends. He, unlike my parents, doesn't resent me getting rest or occasionally enjoying myself. He expresses approval whenever it happens. Praises me for taking care of myself like I've just done something impressive. He notices me spiraling before I do and attends to me. He's in IC with a PhD who specializes in his sort of disordered behavior (suspected case of Bipolar Disorder and a long period of mania brought on by taking antidepressants), he's read a lot of the major literature, he and I have spent hours doing a post-infidelity workbook, he is back in AA with a sponsor who knows how to hold him to high expectations without triggering his defenses or forcing him to over-extend himself. Here's a big one: upon reflection and a more honest retelling of the story to my therapist, I decided his BFF really was a creep who acted completely out of line and flagrantly justified the affair with such gems like, "You can't deny chemistry" and, "Sometimes the right person ignites parts of yourself you didn't know were there." Instead of employing the time-honored tactic of "Oh, so you don't want me to have friends?" WH zeroed in on the actual issue at hand (my security) and, on his own, contacted the friend, told him that they weren't going to be able to continue the friendship unless BFF made some amends to me, and left it at that. BFF promised to message me, but hasn't. WH hasn't been in contact since. This is just one example.

I'm freaked out. One of my triggers is feeling safe and comfortable. I'm hyper-vigilant about being lulled, once again, into a false sense of security. I am honest about the days that I don't want to see him, the days I want to leave, the days I feel hope, the days I want to trust him but can't, the days when I can see us together in something so much better than I could have imagined for myself, the days I feel like a stone-hearted bitch who's just taking him for a ride. I am not propping him up, not masking my feelings or making anything easy or convenient. When I mention this, he says, "You get to take care of yourself right now, even if that means more work for me. You deserve to have someone doing the hard work for you."

He's not perfect, but I'm struck by the difference. He's not putting on a facade or going through the motions. He's motivated to do the work. He enjoys it. Still, fear and distrust are there. I'm not ignoring them.

I still don't know what the ultimate fate of our relationship is. We've decided to hold off any decision-making until at least October. I might move in with him before then, though, because living with my parents reinforces the ugly feelings of unworthiness on a daily basis. At this point, that pain is more acute than the pain of the infidelity.

Wow. I wrote so much and it's not even the whole sordid tale. Didn't even get to the part about the nanny trying to use me to extort thousands of dollars from someone or any of the other microdramas.

Thank you for letting me share my story. Thanks to everyone who's replied, read, lurked in this thread. I'll try to keep updating things. I can't believe it's only been four months today.

See if you can move in a place alone or with a roommate. Give him time to heal himself while you heal yourself. I'm very proud of you!

Why does the nanny think you owe her money?

Thanks to our job loss, I can't really afford my own place, and I'd have to find a roommate who didn't mind having two toddlers join the mix. Definitely something I could try for, not really sure if I'm up to that at the moment. It's sort of a rotten choice, live with my parents and feel like a parasite, or live with my WH when I'm not sure if we're going to stay together.

The nanny wanted me to convince her new employers that they owed me a $4000 "transfer fee," then she wanted me to give the money to her. I initially agreed, with a lot of discomfort, then discovered her new employers make even less than we did. They asked if they could just pay half, then I finally said, "Nope. Forget about it. Don't pay anything. You've got a house full of kids to support." The nanny, who'd been verbally abusive throughout her employment with us, sent so many unhinged messages to me that I blocked her.

Don't worry about the nanny. No way is she taking her attempted swindle to court.

Oh yeah. She knew she didn't have a leg to stand on. It was straight-up extortion. I can't believe I ever went along with it; I just didn't have any fight left in me at the time.

Today, I broke down screaming in my husband's car. Literally dozens of triggers today. The BFF messaged me with a little bit of an apology and a LOT of pedantic mansplaining about how he was drawing on his therapeutic expertise. No, dude, you were hiding behind the language of therapy and recovery to get a vicarious thrill from your friend who was stepping out on his marriage. I might not have no fancy advanced degrees, but even my female brain knows he crossed an ethical line. At least he had the balls to admit that he was actively encouraging and supporting the affair, something my WH swore wasn't happening.

WH fully supported going NC with that shithead bff, to his credit. Still, tonight I wonder if I'm crazy for trying to make this work.

I'm definitely tired of keeping my cool. I need out of this house. Mom is emotionally abusive.

I found screaming in my car helpful, too. So sorry, HPFP.