SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I don’t really want to go on and on like I usually do.

I just want to say that I’m in a dark place. I can’t sleep. I’m short with people around me.

I spend every minute trying to figure out how to keep my son from getting hurt, raped, or killed in prison.

I get that I have no power with any of that. It doesn’t change my obsession / worry / fear about it. My faith doesn’t change it.

But I don’t know how to live with the reality that it could very well happen. And what it would do to him.

I just want to be able to say, "It is well with my soul." But I never have, and I don’t feel like I ever will.

I'm so sorry you're struggling right now. Is therapy and/or anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication a possibility for you right now? Can you talk to a doctor or clergy person?

This might sound silly, but have you tried adult coloring books? I've read they have benefits similar to meditation, so maybe that would be an immediate/short-term solution to help calm yourself when your mind starts racing.

I’m sorry you having hard time right now. "It is well with my soul" really takes me back several years to a small church, a great memory.

This might sound silly, but have you tried adult coloring books?

Great advice, I found a paint by number app for my phone and it really helped me in dark times after Dday.

I have a substitute for an adult coloring book… I have an app where are you tap spots on the picture and color is filled in and you do like a paint by number type thing. I don’t know if I can say the name of it on this Site.

Also, I started making jewelry… Mostly as a hobby, but with the possibility of selling it in the future. As my husband continues to digress in his health, I will need more help that will probably start costing me money, and we’re going to be in some financial duress.

I know that I’ll get through the whole thing, because what choice do I have? I just don’t know HOW I will get through it.

Tanner…I think we may have cross posted. Maybe we are talking about the same app.

What I’m going through is very strange. I’ve been scared before of course. And fearful. And my kids have struggled so much in their lives that I’ve been very sensitive to their experiences.

But I’ve never felt the fear and uncertainty so intently as I do now. I’m getting scared that it’s some kind of foreshadowing. I’m reading online about how rape in prison is more likely than not. Or worse. I probably have several years of life left in me, but I don’t know how I will go on if something happens to him.

I am afraid for the other people in my life that seem to need me so much right now.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 3:11 AM, Monday, March 13th]

Just sending support and virtual hugs. I don’t know how to help, but I admire how deeply you love your kids.

You’re in my prayers.

When I am in angst I repeat the serenity prayer! It is my mantra. Perhaps it can bring you some peace."

Hang in there WR, sending prayers your way.

Sending prayers and hugs.

Thank you.

I also repeat the serenity prayer. I even have a spiral ring with the entire prayer on it.

But lately it is defeating rather than comforting to me.

How can a mother deal with the fact that she cannot protect her child?

My husband has been asking me, "why are you so angry all the time?"

Now, I gave up expressing anger and upset to my husband for Lent. And I have done quite a good job, if I do say so myself. There are days that I express disappointment that he doesn’t seem to be putting forth efforts to be as "well" as he can, but I do it in a different way than I have done in the past from time to time. I feel that I am coming across much more calm, and even keeled and I haven’t been angry for quite some time. I’ve actually been a little proud of myself. But I’m pretty much all alone in that. Because now, if I get the slightest bit irritated with him, he wants to know "why am so angry all the time". It’s like, by trying to reduce any negativity, I get called on the carpet for the least little bit of it.

I’m just in a bad place. One of my sons, the one who I would say, is most affected by his fetal alcohol syndrome, just really doesn’t like me much. At his best, he tolerates me. At his worst, he is short, tempered, inconsiderate, and critical of me. and yet, when he struggles with bad situation at work, or with friends, he calls me about it.

I would just like ONE of them to think positively of me. Support me. Care just a little.

That’s why I come here. Y’all are great at all those things. 😘

…and just now my sister dropped by. She wanted to be sure that I was able to go to a children’s play with her, my granddaughter, her mother, and my son in a month or two.

She clarified the date and time, and I explained that I would have to drive my son to work that morning, I would not have time to get back home to check on my husband in order to go back… About an hours drive… To see the play. I can’t be away from my husband for that long.

So she gets up to leave five minutes after she came in. I asked if she just came by to order the tickets, and she said, "yes, to make sure that you knew about the date and time, and how many tickets I was going to order. Glad I did."

I looked, and I’m guessing there’s not an emoji for snark.

I guess the fact that I’m not able to go is an inconvenience somehow to her. I guess she thinks that I planned those things and don’t want to go.

I want to get this straight… Am I to be limited in where I can go and what I can do based on needing to be in close proximity of my home due to taking care of my husband… Oh, and ALSO try to somehow finagle the ability to be away from home for about five hours from him? So my sister will be happy?

It’s like I let HER down.

Like I said… In a bad place.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 9:47 PM, Monday, March 13th]

Whatsright, I'm so sorry you have hit a low spot. Is there any chance you could have a home health nurse to come in occasionally, to give you some respite? Even for a half or full day would help you so much - to go do something YOU want to do and something you'd enjoy?

You do have a plate full, for sure.

Please trust your son in prison to select his friends carefully - and try not to worry so much about prison rape. It simply does not happen as often as people think. I know it's a big worry and it's an 'unknown' and something you have no control over. That makes it tough. Hopefully he will be out of there soon and with a new lease on life.

You are a wonderful person to care for your H as you do and you ARE a wonderful, loving mother. '

I am sorry you are going through this. It is a horrible feeling knowing we are unable to protect our children (in prison or not) once they are no longer little.

Does your son have any positive opportunities for him in prison that he is utilizing? IE support groups for his issues, trade or further educational options, etc.

I was watching a show the other week on a young man who went to prison and said he knew he had two choices, he could let this experience beat him down further or he could exercise that time to make all the improvements he could for himself (whether it is physical, mental, emotional, etc). He said he decided he was at a crossroads of his life and he was determined to turn it around.

I know your son is in a very similar place. Even if he has to work through positive changes on his own in there (ie if there are no groups for him), hopefully he can recognize and continue to work through that.

Mama - you have no control of this. You keep praying and seeking help for yourself. You are no good for him if you are sick from all the worry.

Thank you all for your support.

I could’ve sworn that I shared some good news with you all about a recent meeting with the Home Health nurse. I guess I screwed it up when I was trying to post the thread.

I have been saving up some questions that I thought it was time to think about. So when the home health nurse came, and she is really great, I asked about many things and have gotten some answers since then.

First of all, she is setting up for a social worker to come, to determine a schedule for occupational therapy as well as physical therapy. (We have tried this before with another company and it was pathetic, but the nurse says that they are really good people and do some good with their clients).

We were supposed to go to the doctor last Friday to have blood drawn before his appointment this Friday. I set it up with the home health nurse to come by and draw the blood when she was here for a regular visit. And we were able to get that set up, and save my husband a trip to the doctor. (I usually I encourage him to get up and go to those appointments, but lately he has said that it causes him a lot of pain.)

Also, I have been telling her that we are not particularly impressed with the new doctor we have since the retirement of the doctor we have had for 30 years. She said she found a nurse practitioner who would come to the house for any kind of regular visit. She would be our PCP with a MD supervising scripts, etc. My husband would still have to go to see specialists when necessary, but could have all of his regular check ups, etc. taken care of at the house. For the first time, my husband seems like he is really happy that we can get that set up. In the past he has said that he doesn’t need it.

Lastly, and probably the best, is that the home health nurse told me that she could arrange for us to be able for someone to come and stay with my husband, while I am away from the house. She even told me that to supplement her own income, she herself is a caregiver. She says that it requires no special training, except for a certificate in CPR. This is great news on so many levels. My husband and I have a lot of strain between us. His sister has lived an hour and a half away for the last few years and comes to visit him once a month. But she will be moving back to where we live, about 10 minutes away, by the end of March. I have just paid $750 for her to turn back on her electricity. She needs money from time to time and my husband simply cannot say no. So, she needs money, and my husband and I could use a break from each other, and she said she would be more than happy to do it. Maybe earning extra money will keep her from needing to ask for it from me. (I guess that sounded really mean!) Also great, is the fact that she knows how to do most everything that I do for my husband, so there will be very little to teach/explain to her. I know that some of you have been telling me for sometime that we should do this. But my husband did not want a stranger coming in, and we thought that WE would have to pay for it. Also, his sister lives so far away that it was not practical. So now that she is moving here is really a Godsend.

I know I should be feeling hugely grateful for all of these new "solutions" to be coming our way. And I did for a couple of weeks. Until… I don’t really know until what. I guess it is that my son’s court date for his plea is coming up and I’ve been thinking about him. Where he’s staying right now is so safe and the people are so kind. It is a Christian company that runs the county jail that he is staying at. So, I have not really worried about his safety until now. And the fact that after his sentencing, he will be moved to a prison has me in a horrible state.

And, yes, he is taking every course that they will allow him to take, even while he has been waiting for his plea / sentencing to come about. This week he finishes his fourth class, and will start on the fifth class that he should be able to finish before he goes to court for sentencing and is moved from where he is staying now.

I asked his public defender if he gets any credit for the classes he has taken, because he told me that several of the inmates there said that they got good time credit for classes they had taken there. But the Public Defender said that it was not a "given". And that the judge might decide to do that, and might not. She also said that the drug program we were in such hopes that he could get into when he was moved to a prison, that decision will not be made by the judge, but by the Bureau of prisons. And also what prison they sent him to is entirely out of anyone’s hands except the Bureau of prisons.

Also, the Bureau of prisons gets to decide whether or not he can enter a drug program, and/or vocational classes, and whether or not he will get good time credit earned for them.

I think the thing that has got me the most scared is that I have been reading a lot and asking a lot of questions, especially about the classifications of prisons. And I have found out about the levels of security: minimum, low, medium, high and maximum. And then I think there’s one for individuals with disabilities. Anyway, the medium security is the minimum level that people who have committed violent crimes can be assigned to. And my son’s pathetic attempt at bank robbery was not violent… There was no threat and no weapon… but Bank robbery is considered a violent crime, whether or not a gun is used. So he will be in a medium security prison where very violent criminals are also housed.

And on top of all of this, it seems that every time I turn on the TV, either "cops" or "jail" is on the TV. Geez!

Last night I dreamed about him. I don’t often dream about people in my life. I don’t remember dreams at all usually. But in this dream he had "escaped" from whatever facility he was at, and he had come home I won’t bore you with the specifics of the dream, but the thing that was most startling and troubling at the same time, was that he was about 13 years old in the dream. He was just my little boy that was always a stinker and always into stuff. And he was telling me that he knew that he did wrong to leave, but that he was hoping that he would just get about three more months, added to sentence because he left. So strange.

Anyway, thanks again for your kind words and support. This has been something that has been going on with me for a couple of weeks now and my guess is that I just need to try my best to think straight and be less emotional, and just get through it until I can be stronger. My son goes to court in about three weeks, and I will go of course, even though I can’t speak to him… I can at least look at him. And I need for my demeanor to be what he needs to continue to feel strong.

Excuse the spiritual reference, and I mention this not for a religious discussion, but there is a very popular song in contemporary Christian music these days in titled "in Jesus name". There is one part that really speaks to me that I’m going to have to take to heart if I am to get through this…

"I speak the name of Jesus over you
In your hurting, in your sorrow
I will ask my God to move
I speak the name 'cause it's all that I can do…"

I guess that describes my son and I both.

Thanks again for listening. ❤️

Whatsright, WONDERFUL that you have help with your H on the way.

My opinion? You are physically and emotionally exhausted and you MUST take care of yourself both physically and mentally in order to help those you love.

Think positive about your son.

I agree that you need a break.
And I am very happy that you have some help coming.
TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT.

And i have to believe that your son is stronger than you know. I mean, he learned from you, right?

Thanks, but I’m not sure that would help!

I had a bit of a scare this morning. Actually, it was an horrendous scare. I was getting ready to take my son to work at 9:30 and he was nowhere to be found. He is usually sitting out in his truck in the driveway, smoking and listening to music. And he always always always takes his backpack wherever he goes. So when he was not in the truck, I went and looked inside his bedroom, and he was not there either. But his backpack was there. I tried to call him, but remembered that my sister took him by the phone company last night to pay his bill and they said something was wrong with his card.

Anyway, for six hours I was calling emergency rooms and watching police reports of accidents in the area. My oldest son was so kind to me trying every way he knew to get in touch with him. finally he called me and said that he had talked with him and that he would be home before too long and that he was OK.

That’s all I really wanted to know. That he was OK.

Interesting way to spend the morning.

Thinking about you, whatsright. I second any prescription medication you might need right now.

Can you speak to clergy that assists a prison ministry? I apologize if this was already mentioned, I only read a fee responses before I am Respondjnh.

Oh thx, that’s a great suggestion. Right now he is at a county "holding" facility. We can’t visit, but he says they are treated very well, and there are no conflicts.

It will be some time after July that he will be sent to the actual federal prison they choose for him. But at that point I will definitely inquire regarding a prison ministry.

***I would like to take this opportunity to thank you all for something very specific. I want you to know (if you haven’t figured it out already) that I am pretty old fashioned. I am sad that a couple of my kids have had children without being married, that church is not an active part of their lives at this point, etc. And especially that my youngest son has broken the law in such a big way. And I totally get it that it would be understandable to get a comment from y’all along the lines of "he shouldn’t do the crime if he can’t do the time". But during my despair, not one of you have focused on that fair point. You have instead addressed the situation from the perspective of a mothers sadness and fear. I am for straight talk as much as the next person, but at this time, I so appreciate the focus of your support. ❤️***

Right now we have a different challenge. My H is back in the hospital. His UTI is expecially bad this time, and we will not know the specifics till the culture comes back in a couple of more days. At that time we are hoping they will put in a picc line and we can go home to infuse the medication again. This time they say it will be 14 days of infusion. 🙁

Anyway, everybody have a great weekend!