SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I guess I would just like some realistic expectations. I’m a Madhatter and 2 1/2 months from when I found out my husband was having a 4 month affair. I’m not sure what is normal but I feel like I’m entering a phase of more ANGER. My heart is crushed and I’m still just trying to figure out how this happened when we seemed so good.

Are there any other Madhatters who could give me some advice based on their experiences? Is healing between my husband and I even possible? He wants the marriage and says he will do whatever it takes. But we have both betrayed each other. Is it even worth it? Will we ever be able to not hurt? Right now I just feel worthless and like I’m not enough for him. This hurts so bad and I feel so alone and unsure of what to do.

Healing is absolutely possible if you're both willing to do the work to figure out why it happened.

Have either of you started IC yet? I think that should be the first step for both of you.

Hang in there. With time, it won't be so all-consuming.

Thank you so much for the reassurance. We have started individual counseling but it’s just general telehealth counseling.. no specialist or anything. I wonder if that’s enough. I also wonder about couples counseling. A friend of mine who has been through this told me I need to find a CSAT for couples counseling. Do you have an opinion on any of that?

MH here, different situation.

I'm not entirely sure what your situation is- (EA/PA, how long between your A and his A)... BUT, I'm a bit of a MH too (H had EA's and I had EA/PA exit A w/ COW).

CSAT may be a good idea if your WH has long term history struggling with porn addiction or repeat visits to "professionals" in the sex work industry.

For me, IC was a literal lifesaver. My H had some IC too (after I wrote D papers and said, "your choice, IC or D" a year after my DDay w/ his escalating anger/abuse). I think IC first is a great idea for both of you. Finding an IC who deals with trauma will go a long way toward healing both your wounds.

It sounds that right now the trauma from your betrayal is still fresh- the anger phase is usually the next phase after you process just what the hell happened. If you don't get help through that (I didn't w/ my H's EA with a close friend), it can turn into poisonous resentment that will kill your soul. Ask me how I know. So, first things first, get thee to an IC with trauma experience. You've both been traumatized.

If you do look for MC, I'd recommend someone who specializes in communication strategies. We found the Imago therapy dialogues to be very helpful in our recovery. I'd say we're mostly through the recovery stage and growing through reconciliation at this point- nearly 3 years out from my A. The Imago dialogues were what helped us manage our hurts, anger, distrust and panic in the earlier days. The communication strategies did not heal in and of themselves, but they made it possible to have the difficult conversations we needed to have. Think of it as triage and a way to stop further bloodshed.

Do you feel you have the full story? Does your H examine whether it was HIS untreated anger/resentment that poisoned him into choosing his own A after yours? Was it a revenge A? It was a choice- BS's all over this site have this same betrayal done to them that YOU did to HIM... but they didn't cheat after. They CHOSE to keep their integrity instead. D/S/R are all the integrity filled choices that BS's have. I think sometimes us MH's who have the 2nd betrayal can forget that we are BS's too. That our BS/WS CHOSE, like we did, to have an A.

Either way, BS/WS, we all have holes in our character that lead us to CHOOSE an A. I wish I had written up the D papers and said, "IC and MC or D, you choose!" to my H before I had my A. We sure as hell needed it. It would have allowed me to keep my integrity- something I had given up on at that point, as survival was my only concern in my own despair over my H's repeat EA's.

Long novel to say, you're not alone. You chose your A and that's your work to do. He chose his too. That's his work to do. Before you guys can consider R seriously, you need to both heal and figure out what the hell happened in your character that allowed this to happen. Fix that, and THEN you can heal the M.

MC only for communication coaching at this point. You need the skills to stop further damage.

Certified Sex Addiction Therapists (CSAT) may not be something your situation really needs at this point.

We have started individual counseling but it’s just general telehealth counseling.. no specialist or anything. I wonder if that’s enough. I also wonder about couples counseling. A friend of mine who has been through this told me I need to find a CSAT for couples counseling. Do you have an opinion on any of that?

I do have a strong opinion about that! We found our MC in the yellow pages (I'm showing my age here!) and just so happened to select one who specialized in sexual addiction, which I think was exceedingly lucky. Regardless of whether SA is affecting your relationship, a CSAT MC can be quite helpful because they've got more experience than the average bear with recovery from infidelity.

Also, I think that it's important to continue to include IC in your tool kit. We only did MC, and now, 19 years later, my H is starting IC to deal with FOO issues. Do you feel like you're getting something out of your telehealth IC? If so, I say carry on for now.

Fret,

I remember your original story about how you found your boss exciting and charismatic when you were 19 years old. How he kissed you when you were babysitting for he and his wife. Then later you two had sex while you were babysitting for them. Your husband was your boyfriend at the time all this happened. You and your boss continued having sex on and off for awhile. Then you and your boss had sex one more time after you married your boyfriend/fiance.

You then felt a religious compelling to tell your husband about all of this after you two had been married for around 10 years or so.

I remember you saying that after a few months your husband no longer seemed interested in talking about your affair with your boss. He just sort of shut down.

Did he shut down talking about your affair for a couple of years before he had his own affair? During that period was he willing to ever discuss it?

A few years ago I saw someone wrote on this website something about how betrayed men suffer with an eternal hell burning inside their heads with no windows, or something very similar to that. I hope that wasn't the case for him. If it was, then he has a long way to go in his healing.

How was your marriage during this period of time? Was it loving? Or, was it more formal like you two were roommates?

Your husband seems very remorseful now from what you write. You seemed very remorseful when you first posted your experiences. You two really seem to love each other. I really hope you two find the external help you need because I believe you two can still have a good marriage.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 10:23 PM, Tuesday, March 21st]