SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Can someone who is further out from Dday than from where I am from (not quite 3 months) offer me some hope? My husband is a very gentle, romantic, sweet man to me. He has always looked me deep into my eyes while holding my face and made me feel like I’m the only girl in the world. He’s always seemed to know just what to say to make me feel so loved.

So now that I know he told her he loved her for the entire 4 month affair, and I have asked him if he looked deep into her eyes and if he held her and he’s admitted to that (I do appreciate that he’s being honest with me), how in Gods name do I move past that? Because I am having a VERY HARD TIME. I
told him that now when he does that to me I can’t believe him and that it’s not special AT ALL because he also did that to her. He swears he didn’t really love her but COME ON.

Someone tell me it gets easier. I feel like I’m in a phony marriage and I feel so unloved. Will we ever get that back? I wasn’t enough then.. how can I be enough now?

I’m so sorry that you are in so much pain. I’m 9 months out from D-day. It’s getting better, today I even feel good, normal, but I’m still expecting the rollercoaster to drop sometime in the not so distant future. Have hope, the pain does get better.
Harder to say about special things like you describe whether the damage there will fade. You will be ok, but there will be scars almost certainly.

Infidelity has nothing to do with whether a spouse is enough of anything. Nothing you ever did or didn't do, said or didn't say, would have made any difference. It's not about you.

Infidelity is about people "dealing" with their own issues in a very unhealthy and self-destructive manner. We, the betrayed, are collateral damage.

Don't blame yourself. Not even a little. Your WS is 100% responsible for his choices and actions. And if he does try to blame you or the marriage, shut that shit down immediately. There is no justification for infidelity.

Three months after discovery is still very early. It took me about 10 months just to recover from the shock. It's taken me several years to heal and the emotional and psychological scars will remain, I think, for the rest of my life.

As for feeling like you're in a phony marriage... well, infidelity certainly makes one question the value of being married to a cheater.

I remember the early heart pain. 🙁

I urge you to take your eye off your WH regard/ disregard for you, it is completely irrelevant to your healing, IMO.

180. 180. 180.

Take your focus off him. Get back, or discover for the first time, your self love. Get back, or find if you have never known it, that certainty that you are enough. This is impossible for anyone else to do for you. This is your work in life. And only you can mend your broken heart also. Stop watching him and start learning more about yourself, it can be a wonderful journey of self exploration and affirmation. So many questions you could be usefully asking yourself, why for example do you feel dependent on his affirmation, are you unable to do that for yourself? What kind of things do you enjoy doing? What life goals can you be setting yourself? What little steps can you be making towards them?

His work is to do the same for himself, to find the self love that he was chasing in the rainbow smoke and mirrors of an affair. Separate what is his stuff and what is your stuff. It wasn’t that you weren’t enough, it was that he didn’t feel enough and tried to get an image of himself that he liked mirrored in the eyes of an AP, a kind of narcissus effect of self admiration through reflection. He wasn’t choosing between two women, where you were second, but rather two men, the one he disliked and the one he hoped to be. He chose the one he disliked for a mirage, a temporary fix, losing sight of the man he wanted to be in the doing. Why would you want the affirmations of someone who lost himself?

I know you’re a MH. Are there not things you learnt about yourself post your affair that can help you put into perspective what is happening now? I don’t know whether his is a rebound affair or whatever, but do your current feelings give you any insight into how he might have felt?

When my H was with the OW, he always opened the car door for her, which was something that he didn't do on a regular basis for me. When we started R, he made sure to always do it for me. I didn't care, except that it was something that she got and I didn't. I even asked him at one point to stop, that I didn't care all that much about it and it was a trigger, but he refused. He needed to show me that respect.

Either way, whether he does it or not, it will always be a small trigger. If he does it, I think of why he started doing it. If he doesn't do it, I now feel somewhat slighted.

You can decide to reclaim the face-holding ILY schtick as yours, or you can ask him to stop for a little while, or for good, because it now feels icky. Maybe you could create a new little ILY ritual. Maybe just the honesty and transparency of him sharing the truth and you telling him how you feel about it is more deeply loving and powerful than anything he ever did with her. (I think so.)

Also, you know intellectually that what he did (and what you did) were not about anything other than how it made HIM/YOU feel. Everything we do, everything, is always about our own stuff and not about someone else. My H told me that he loved her, and I know how he treats me when he's lovey with me, so I know she got some of that ooey gooey shit too. Knowing that hurt like a MFer, because that was supposed to belong to me alone, and it took time to stop being so painful, but it does get better with time. It really does.

Hang in there and keep being real and open with your H.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 8:34 PM, Monday, March 27th]

I wasn’t enough then.. how can I be enough now?

I struggled with this one for YEARS. You were enough. He wasn't - not to you and not to himself. HE wasn't enough. HE WASN'T ENOUGH (that's louder for the people in the back). That takes a lot of self healing to realize that. Once you do - it is a game changer.

Which brings me to...

Will we ever get that back?

Quite possibly. But first YOU have to heal YOU and HE has to heal HIM before WE can be healed. I can say after years of dealing with this shit it is worth it.

I wasn’t enough then.. how can I be enough now?

You are and were always enough.

I am way further down this journey and I am happily recociled. I am a FBH btw.

In the early weeks and months I tried really hard to make my Ws A about me. It is 100% normal to do this.

By making my Ws choices a reflection of who I was as a husband and father allowed me to feel in control of the future of my M. I was retroactively putting the choice, my W made, to have an A on me . . . I felt I had control, but man, my already low self esteem went into negative territory.

Thus will be easier to take in once you had more time to process . . .You (and rest of us BS's) were collateral damage to a very hurtful and selfish choice that our WS made.

You were always enough, but our spouses are broken people. That being said it was 100% their choices that ended with us discovering that they were unfaithful to us. You know what? It is 100% their responsibility. Anything anyone says to the contrary is lying.

No matter their issue related to the M (real/perceived/manufactured) it does not justify their decision to try and solve their, "issues," by having an A.

It takes time to work through it and IC was very helpful to me during that time.

When get M'd some of us (Me raising my hand) tend to go all in. Nothing wrong with that btw. The part we often miss is that prior to M our future spouse choices reflected on them. Our choices/actions reflect on us. That doesn't change just because we are M'd.

You have so much power in your M right now. You can end it, You can continue, You can try R, etc. Those choices have always been there and will be tomorrow.

I'll say it a third time. You were always enough.

Never forget that.

It does get better if you work towards that goal. IC really does help. If nothing else it helps you organize these scattered thoughts. Sharing my pain wiyh my W was hard at first and IC helped me label my feelings so I could communicate them to my wife.

IC for your H is key too. He needs to determine why he thought this was an acceptable choice (and why it shouldn't be a problem in the future).

I just wanted to say, from my perspective, that while I get that a cheater's affair is more about themselves than us betrayed, it is somewhat about us. And that hurts so much.

I didn't make my husband cheat, so it's not my fault, but he didn't care enough about me and our kids and us as a family unit to protect us.

That doesn't mean I'm inherently unlovable, but it does mean that he did not love/care about me or our kids enough to not cheat. And so in my mind I think, ok it's not about me — but what about me? He was supposed to think about me and care about me, his wife, the mother of his kids (and his own kids!). And he didn't.

It doesn't mean you're unlovable or that you weren't enough, but it does mean he did not love you in the same way you love him. His love is something he can give to anybody. It's not special or sacred to him. He claims to not love his AP and yet he told her he did and used the same moves on her that he does on you, which, if he felt an appropriate level of bond and attachment and love to you, he could not have brought himself to do.

You are enough, and you are loveable, but he doesn't appreciate that. That's the part that's on him. But still it doesn't take away the pain of that rejection and devaluation.

I'm so sorry you're in this position. It makes sense that you're having a very hard time with this, because the reality doesn't match up with what you thought to be true. I'm 2.5 years out and still this stuff swirls in my mind. It's such a deep trauma.

[This message edited by antbee at 7:38 PM, Tuesday, March 28th]

Fret,

I am the WH and cheated 8 years ago.

In looking back I can tell you that in my case it was not about my wife, the OW or any other perceived injustice. I cheated because I was looking to feed my ego. My AP had a pulse and she stroked my ego - that is all that mattered.

Stop thinking this is about you. It is not.

Your WH has issues HE needs to deal with.

My AP thought I was going to leave my wife and kids and look after her. She had her own agenda. I had no such inkling. I was just happy feeling wanted and desired. How many of us just want to feel wanted. She stroked my ego big time. I feel for the stupidity of if because I wanted to. I said stupid shit like any teenager would - just because I wanted more of the ego stroking.

Has your WH started to do the real work to find out why he cheated?

And have you gone to counselling to understand what happened as well? You were hurt and wronged and cheated on. But you can also empower yourself to understand how and why.

Stop being hung up about HER, unless this was an exit affair, she likely could have been Jabba the Hutt for all that it matters. Spend your time and effort to understand your WH and your relationship.

Hi @Fret05 I'm so sorry you're having to go through the pain of betrayal and my heart goes out to you. I know right now that you're going through a roller coaster of emotions and disbelief at what has happened but I do want to encourage you that with time you will heal and there can be light at the end of this tunnel.

I think you will both benefit from IC and MC to help you process what has happened and why especially if you've both decided to R.
Thinking back to my own experience, I also questioned how true my marriage was but was able to realise that the infidelity did not invalidate what I had with my H in our marriage although it broke the trust.

No matter what has happened you are enough and worthy of love that can be trusted. Praying that the near future brings healing for your emotions and true R for your marriage.