SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

[This message edited by Revenger at 7:51 PM, Thursday, May 23rd]

I am a rage monster. Complete beast who has unleashed all her anger upon the person who caused it. Name calling. Pure brutal honesty with nothing sugar coated. Its become an element that I have had to work very hard to control, and its not easy. I've lost 25 pounds, started my gym work-outs again - kettle bell, weights, rowing machine -- and that's when I imagine him doing all those dirty deeds, positions, nasty acts, evil doings...and then some.

The cycles are predictable now. I dig for dirt, I find it. Then I confront him. He gets defensive or lies. I rage. I cry. I stay angry. Then we talk like adults and he comes clean. We bond again. We have hot sex. A few good days -- then the cycle begins again.

My husband is a sex addict. Another D-Day on New Years Day 2023 with more women, more lies, more deceptions. Its never ending. So far I know of about 50, but likely up to 100+. The more I search for, the more I find. Some days I dont know who i am anymore. Initially I thought we could work it out, but its been 7 months now and still the lies continue. So, I'm starting to detach myself. I'm slowly letting him go in my heart. There is no way I can work through the 50-100 women. I just cant. I have tried and tried and tried. The bullshit he feeds me about "the details arent going to help you" is pure crap. He wants me to stay with him, keep me on the line for a few more years, suck me into his bullshit and then hit me with more of what he's done ? No.

So, my absolute rock bottom was on 3/16/23. Alcohol, new discoveries, more lies, more fights. I lost my will to live. I slit my wrists. My dear unfaithful panicked and a 9-1-1 call --- then i'm no in handcuffs in the back of a police car sobbing. And the place they took me was worse than any hell I could have ever imagined. Not an ER, no caring people, no help. Just a huge auditorium, like you see it the movies, with men and women together of all ages, spread across the large room with recliners. Screaming meth heads, homeless, psych patients, violent offenders in 4 point leather restraints, people screaming all night long. There was no begging to get me out. They sedated me just like they did everyone else. It was the worst night of my life. Permanent damage was done. I barely survived the next 18 hours before my sweet, loving, unfaithful husband arrived to take me home. The cheater. The nasty boy who lied and cheated and turned me into some kind of crazy women with months of bringing chaos into my life with his lying and cheating and blaming and manipulating.

That's me. The college educated girl. The good girl. The one who worked all day so he could golf and get pleasured by escorts all day because he was "bored". The one who let me pay for everything b/c he "couldnt find a job". The one whom I gave my car to b/c he crashed his in his 2nd DUI.

Yea. Thats me. The girl filled with rage.

Damn, HeBrokeMe68. I'm so sorry. Huge hugs.

Big hugs HeBrokeMe68 Big hugs.

Please keep coming here. You are not alone.

Coming back to this thread because there feels like there may be a misapprehension by some that those of us who channelled the full force of our anger in other ways somehow spared our WSs in some way from its effects. Quite the opposite though. FWH remembers the first few months as me being deeply deeply angry, all the time. Underlying every conversation, it was there and like the pain it denoted it was not unexpressed at all but tempered. I wasn’t hiding it, I was just working with it, using it to understand myself and us. I know I could have absolutely excoriated him in scorched earth evisceration. But to what point? I was the easy repository for my mother’s displaced anger in my childhood and know the damage that such selfish vomiting can cause, its lack of control not caring who or what it hurts. I believe in being congruent but I don’t believe in striking out in retaliation or an eye for eye. That leads to world wars in which there is no ‘winner’.

Edited to add: I don’t give a flying fig if that sounds holier than thou.

[This message edited by Edie at 8:50 AM, Thursday, March 30th]

I will say that I had a WS who confessed and (after a month of separation wherein I essentially told him to ditch her or f*ck off) was working hard at R. I didn't have to drag anything out of him. I was lucky in that I had already started with a good counselor and had already started working on good boundaries and practicing healthy behaviors. I wasn't perfect, but the underlying attitude was empowerment and health.

H confessed in the MC's office. I went off on him there, with F-bombs flying everywhere. Before we left, MC asked, "Are there any guns in the house?" I scoffed and said, "I would never ruin MY life like that." And that's my whole point. If your actions make you feel like shit afterwards or cause you harm, they're not healthy for you or for the marriage. I think that's pretty standard advice from a mental health professional.

I agree that anger is necessary and a natural response to betrayal, and I said so in my first comment. There are healthy ways to release rage. I shared some. Others shared some. And it's perfectly fine to share your anger with your WS, but not to rage all over them. Rage is "violent, uncontrolled anger." Not cool. JMO.

I don’t give a flying fig if that sounds holier than thou.

Same. And thank you.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 3:45 PM, Thursday, March 30th]

I actually didn't mind the anger. I was tired of feeling sad and vulnerable and hurt. The anger felt productive, it felt POWERFUL. It gave me a sense of control.

100%

If you look at anger as a response to a loss of control, it all makes sense. Being productive with it, it will blow all of the bullshit to the side and give a clarity like no other. But letting it sit and spin, and it will rot you from the inside out. Double-edged sword.

I think the key is to pause ask what specifically is out of your control driving it, and get it back in control.

Revenger, I kind of read your post at first as you getting violent. You cleared it up later, but that’s the part not condoned here.

Wdie..no,your post didn't come off as "holier than thou."

Thanks HF for the feedback, it is sincerely appreciated. 😊

Hi @uncomfortablynumb I'm so sorry you're having to deal with the pain and aftermath of betrayal and my heart goes out to you. The reality is that we can experience a roller coaster of emotions when dealing with this kind of pain and anger is one of them and honestly I also had a period of anger towards my H when I found out what he had done.
From my own experience, anger is not normally a healthy emotion to keep having especially if you want R to work, so it would be good going forward to consider counseling to help you process this anger.

However be gentle with yourself even as you navigate this situation, this is obviously not something you signed up for and it can be difficult sometimes but you will heal, so please stay hopeful.

Wishing you all the best and praying the near future brings healing for you and true R for your marriage.

Thank you all once again for your thoughtful contributions. They have all been so, so helpful.

I'm pleased to report that anger gave way to intense sadness, which prompted much crying from both of us, and that this moved the reconciliation forward just a little more. He needed to feel my anger and my sadness, and then we both grieved a bit for what's been lost through his actions.

It's certainly a roller coaster of emotions and I'll expect more waves of anger in the coming weeks and months. I don't fear it now and I even welcome its productive nature.

Best wishes to you all

Coming up on almost a yrar since Discovering my wife's affair, I find myself consumed by a second wave of anger, this one more intense than the first. I remain civil for the most part, but I sometimes have to go outside and just be way from her until the intense fire of pain and anger subsides. I have spent time in physical exercise, lost flab and my weight is in a good zone now. I bicycle and work in the garden where a spade dug hard into the soil releases a lot of stress and anger, Zen raking of the soil and cutting back overgrown shrubbery helps too...at least for me. I can work out productively and then I am ready mentally and emotionally to be with my wife for things and activities that reconnect us. We're both in our late 70's but still love dancing, so after I've sacked the demons of anger, I will ask her to come dancing with me, something her AP SOB never did all those years ago. When the music comes up and we step onto the dance floor to rumba, waltz, cha cha, or enjoy a fast Country two step joy returns, and I know my decision to stay in this marriage, even with its imperfect history, wss a good one.

I'm pleased to report that anger gave way to intense sadness, which prompted much crying from both of us, and that this moved the reconciliation forward just a little more. He needed to feel my anger and my sadness, and then we both grieved a bit for what's been lost through his actions.

That's so beautiful. Authenticity and transparency is a wonderful thing.

Gosh there is SO much already written. And some great coping skills.

I am going to run a step deeper.

Phases of anger (justified or un-justified, stemming from deeper fears, present trauma, past trauma or necessary need for defense mechanism) IS a part of every human being, likely from before we humans could even record it in some way.

It is tied to our fight/flight response. It allows us to stop or escape threats to survive.

This is NOT to minimize it by analysis or to normalize any unhealthy response.

But sometimes our response to anger is causing us more harm than good. Why do I get to say so?

Because I am a verbal rager when I feel trapped by another person’s manipulations or unhealthy designs in my life. Or even mis-perceive their intent because of my own damaged heart.

And I came from ragers who has terrible mis-treatments in their lives. Overall wonderful people who do not respond well to threat or perceived threat in an unpredictable world.

I am saying this because I studied and worked on healthy response to feelings prior to marriage. I did not like the results of verbal rages. They divide. They do not bind.

And I discovered after DDay, that well trained verbal rage lion left the cage I had cooled and comforted it in, and came out to roar over and over. A lion is still a lion. It does roar.

NOT the best side of me. So I worked harder on reactiveness and response to
negative feelings the past 10 years.

Knowing this, you may not be me or anyone above. You may have good control of anger, and go through phases of grief very well…but hate feeling what is necessary to feel and process your story.

Or you may be like me. And need extra guidance and help - the issue may not be feeling what you feel, but how to respond to your feelings.

It sucked finding out I flew into rages after 2 decades of keeping that lion fairly well managed. But owning all of me is part of healing.

And, early on, when I saw Mr Uxor seemed to want me to be reactive so he could justify his affair, I went for help to calm that roar. I was not going to do that unhealthy spin cycle. And I was not going to give any amo to the huge lie of affair justification.

Though that should not matter, the fighter in me can be channeled to not fuel disfunctional fires. It is a good direction for my fight-flight energy….prevention.

Betrayal reveals some unexpected things about both parties. And it did.

So…now….

I do not allow anyone to tell me I can’t feel anything. I am absolutely allowed to feel anger, frustration, fear, exhaustion, sadness, despair, loneliness, confusion. Same with happiness, joy, pleasure, contentment. Those belong to me too.

But if I respond to my feelings in a way that harms me or others, I am only keeping myself and my relationships from being the stabilizing forces I need and deserve. As does anyone.

Forgive yourself if you anger has spilled over in ways that are damaging. But hold yourself accountable to the work of stabilizing your reactions so that you don’t dismantle the life you deserve. For any feeling good or bad!

There is helpful info in the healing library on here in articles. And some of the books do have info on emotional regulation after trauma. It will help you recognize how to know the difference between boundaries and revenge. As well as how we gain control of responses as we 180 ourselves.

Find counselors who allow feelings with emotional self regulation approaches.

I have been at this for almost 10 years since Dday. And much, much longer from my FOO issues.

Good people can and do react badly to feelings at times. But you can own your feelings instead of your feelings owning you.

We will not, nor should we attempt to be "perfect" (a set up for failure), but we can definitely make it to "better" and "functioning"….at times, with work, even "thriving" again!

Hope this helps.

I definitely have those days of anger I have been told I fly off the handle to quickly my wh said to me if you need to yell at me I deserve it but just warn me first I wish I could control my anger a little better just for myself normally I'm a pretty calm person but I think after finding out he had an affair after I thought things were going well set me off I was betrayed and disappointed in him for what he did to me and us.

(((HeBrokeMe68))) yes I was a rage monster too because my xWS was not remorseful, kept cheating and I kept finding stuff. I too tried to slash my wrists and ended up in inpatient. The best decision I have ever made about my M was leaving him. No one should have to feel this way. It just isn't worth it, no marriage is. Infidelity kills marriages and their actions afterwards can truly drive a person over the edge. I don't feel any remorse for the rage I had towards my ex he deserved every second of it.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 10:39 PM, Thursday, April 27th]

Bumped for SatyaMom.