SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Long story short I got a message on Facebook from my husbands coworker telling me they had an affair and to tell him to stop messaging her as her texted her 22 times that day. I’m not sure what her intentions were. Was she telling me because she was hoping I would leave my husband or was she mad that my husband couldn’t give her the attention she wanted or both. Since this has happened my husband has been been angry and has been playing the victim roll blaming everything on me. I know that he has been cheating longer then he admits. I’m a stay at home mom with 4 kids (20,13,5,4) the youngest 2 are his. We’ve been together almost 8 years. I’m currently considering divorce. I’m just scared as I have been blind sighted and I now need to become financially independent.

I saw you just posted on my story and are clearly brand new to here like I am.

Just wanted to say so sorry we are going through similar things at the same time.

Virtual hugs to you.

Was she telling me because she was hoping I would leave my husband or was she mad that my husband couldn’t give her the attention she wanted or both.

Probably a mixture of all those reasons with the fact that he’s initiating more contact than she is.

But don’t ruminate on her motives for now. Your husband’s blameshifting hard, and you should not have to take that. Time to start protecting yourself and your children. See if you can get a free consultation with a lawyer.

Keep yourself hydrated. Hang in there.

Hello and welcome to SI, you are going to go through wild ups and downs with your emotions. Please read the pinned threads at the top and the healing library.

Please understand that this is not your fault. You H is covering his ass, WS’s get upset when they have to face the fact that they aren’t special.

Do you know if the coworker is married? I would recommend finding out, without help from your WH.

Breathe, stay hydrated, and keep posting here, we have all walked in your shoes.

Thanks so much Ozzy helps to know I’m not alone. If I do nothing else I will drink water. I have talked with a lawyer as I am considering divorce because he isn’t fighting for me and I don’t think he loves me anymore. The lady is not married. I stalked her on her social media. All I know is that the security that I do receive from my husband financially is not worth my sanity. I don’t think I can continue to live with someone who I could probably never trust.

An old fashion word, flibbertigibbet. It means someone who just flits in and out, goes here, and there, cheats, and not cheat, thinks his shit doesn’t stink and just thinks he’s the most wonderful thing that ever happened to human beings. Let him go do whatever he wants to do. You’ve got people who love you and people you will be glad to get rid of and life will just get better.

Hi Nicolijha

Sorry you are here, but you sound like a strong, level headed person.

Good job seeing a lawyer - -knowledge is power, so knowing what your sitch will be if you D is smart.

Also see a doctor and get a full panel STD test. Yuck, but imperative.

And take a deep breath. Read in the JFO forum- especially the posts with the bulleyes on them. You may have to go back a few pages to find them. And read in the Healing Library. One of the things you will read about is the 180. It is a way of mentally detaching from your WS so you can think. It gives you the mental space you need to decide what you want to do next.

Are you in IC? (Individual counseling). Who do you have for support IRL?

Keep posting, and take care of yourself and your kiddos.

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 2:45 AM, Tuesday, March 28th]

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you had to find us. The Healing Library also has a list of all the acronyms we use. There are some really helpful posts pinned at the top of the forum that are very helpful.

It's tough to know her reasoning. It could be that her boss caught her on her phone too much and said something about it. Or, it could be that she's getting ready to go to HR and report him for harassment.

If you're having trouble keeping things down, think about protein shakes.

The A (affair) is all on him. He made all kinds of decisions to betray you. It doesn't matter what you said or didn't say, did or didn't do. It was his poor choices that got him into this mess.

Hi Nicol,

I am sorry you are here. Please get in touch with a therapist if you do not have one. I was blindsided like you and the therapist was a big help. I don’t think I could have handled the grief without her.

It seems like you have enough clarity of your path ahead. I really admire that in you. Take it one day at a time. The initial days are the toughest, it gets better atleast in terms of your coping mechanisms. Until then, focus on your health.

Please remind yourself every morning that you are strong and that you will get through the day. Also that none of this is your fault.

Make a list of what’s needed for you to get through this and calmly work through one thing at a time. Please do keep us posted how you are doing and what progress you make. It could just be a vent but it’s helpful to write down what you feel and what you plan to do.

I wish you lots of strength!

Hi Nicolijha,

Welcome to SI. I'm so sorry about what you're going through.

I’m not sure what her intentions were. Was she telling me because she was hoping I would leave my husband or was she mad that my husband couldn’t give her the attention she wanted or both.

I obviously cannot get into the OW's head, but it sounds like perhaps she changed her mind about the affair and your husband's continued overtures had become unwanted. Perhaps she felt like outing the A to you was the only way to get him to stop harassing her. Because this is his coworker, it sounds like this could potentially put his job at risk. That sounds potentially problematic to you if your family is reliant on his income to survive.

None of this is fair. I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry you are here. The experience is deeply traumatizing and the feeling of being blindsided takes your breath away.

My WHs AP was a co-worker as well. She outed him and apparently found it funny. They are screwed up people, they aren't logical.

I'm sorry you are here. The experience is deeply traumatizing and the feeling of being blindsided takes your breath away.

My WHs AP was a co-worker as well. She outed him and apparently found it funny. They are screwed up people, they aren't logical.

Please contact a lawyer.

If your husband is having a workplace affair that's gone sour, and if OW is even being slightly accurate in her implication that he's messaging her incessantly, then he's at risk of getting slammed with a sexual harassment suit and losing his job.

If you want a decent settlement, alimony, and child support, don't wait for him to get fired from his job, his sullied professional reputation, and for his income to dry up; file now and get the maximum that you are entitled under the law.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 1:57 AM, Tuesday, March 28th]

I’m still new to figuring out how to reply to specific comments. I want to respond back to all of you. To emergent8 I think you are 100% correct I really think she was sick of his games at that point.

It’s been over a month and things are not better at all. My mental health has went to complete shit and our household just feels very toxic lots of arguing. Also he still doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong. He puts all the blame on me and we just ignore each other when we’re not arguing. I’m leaning towards getting a divorce and going our separate ways. This morning his brother was sending him porn videos. He comes from a very disfucntional background and I’m just over it all.

Thank you to each and everyone of you who replied. I read all your comments and I plan on getting back to each and everyone of you.

[This message edited by Nicolijha at 6:08 PM, Sunday, April 16th]

I am so sorry this has happened to you.

See a lawyer asap. Get tested for STI.

You are married to a toxic man and it is not good for your kids. His brother is just as bad. I assume their family made them this way and you cannot fix him. This is just who he is.

The woman who contacted you might have an agenda but good or bad it is not in your best interest to try to sort it out.

This is one of those cases where I think the faster you get out the better.

Look after your health by staying hydrated, eat small nutritious meals, get enough sleep. If you need short term help from a doctor get it.