SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Speaking as a parent with a developmentally disabled child whom I will always need to care for:

WhatsRight’s sons are disabled, to varying degrees. Allowing one’s disabled adult child(ren) to live in one’s home is very different from mere "enabling" of an adult child who has the cognitive wherewithal to freely chooses to break the law, be unemployed, and generally do all the other "nuisance to society" things.

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 12:00 PM, Monday, April 17th]

Thank you for this. ❤️

I know my situation can certainly sound enabling. I have spent lots and lots of time in my life, trying to walk the line between expecting things from them that they may not be able to do, and and making "excuses" for certain behaviors. I have told them their entire lives that their struggles are due to their birth mothers’ mistakes, not due to being "bad boys". But also that when they are grown, most people will not care about their birth situations, but will just expect them to behave appropriately. Teachers, friends, family, police…everyone.

I can promise you I have not always got it right.

Not one parent ever always "gets it right." I know I've fallen on my face as a parent more times than I can count. It's the hardest job ever and completely learn as you go. I know we're our own worst critics but try to give yourself some grace. <3

A bit of a new development today.

Son is roaring, steaming mad with me now.

Yelling at me.

Slamming doors.

Cursing at me at the top of his voice in the front yard.

Etc, etc, etc.

So this afternoon I told him if he didn’t change that behavior, he needed to find another place to live.

Oh, and my oldest has decided he doesn’t want to help me with getting the serial # run on the gun. Said he didn’t want to be put in the middle.

I love my life. 😞

ETA: My kids just don’t like me. Like kids aren’t supposed to really like you during difficult teenage years. They are late 20’s now. And it never stops hurting me. I know that they don’t like me, but every now and then it hits me hard. Very very sad, really.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 5:31 AM, Thursday, April 20th]

I'm sorry to hear this WR, it's awful when they rage against you. I've got an 11yo girl who is going on 17...

The main thing that helps me cope is knowing that I was like that too in my adolescence. And it did pass.

As DF pointed out, your children are developmentally affected by the effects of their toxic womb environment. So... likely they're more like teenagers than full grown adults that they appear to be. Unfortunately, I'm afraid that your youngest won't be able to grow and change until he is forced to.

I commend your oldest for not getting involved. He's done a very mature thing- stating a boundary and maintaining it. It's likely making you feel alone in this right now not having his support. Yet, he knows what's right for him and, frankly, I agree with his decision. Getting in the middle now will only complicate his relationship with his brother (who may need him as a confidant as he's working through his independence). Your youngest is clearly hostile, upset with his life and ABUSING you for it. He's going to need impartial people (like dad and big brother) in his corner if he's going to have access to any kind of mature guidance.

In my experience, being away from home in college really helped me gain my sense of independence. True my parents were able to provide tuition and a living stipend for me, but I still had food, electric bills, vehicle costs and clothes and MAYBE some entertainment to pay for. This meant that I had to balance 14-16 credit hours in a challenging engineering program and 30ish hours of work a week to pay for extras like books and clothes and gas/insurance. This experience led me to appreciate my parents' hard work to keep a roof over my head, clothes on my back and food on the table much more than I did when living rent free at home.

It's scary and very risking to insist your son begin living on his own. However, at this time, it's likely necessary for him to fledge from the nest. You're beset on all sides right now- son in federal prison, grandbaby you want to connect to, a very sick husband and your other son (who seems more mature) living at home. You're maintaining your home, your husband's health, working to keep your other son in prison emotionally connected and cared for, have 2 dogs. AND you've got an unstable man-child on top of all that.

Where is there anything for you? When do you get to have peace? Don't you deserve to come home to a peaceful home where you won't be shouted at in your own front lawn? Don't you get to come home to a place where an unstable, irresponsible person is bringing a gun? YOU ARE BEING ABUSED IN YOUR HOME BY YOUR CHILD. HE IS UNSTABLE AND COULD GET PHYSICAL. HE HAS NO BOUNDARIES OR LIMITS ON WHAT HE WILL DO. What he's doing to you is abuse. Regardless of him being your son (and you feeling mother guilt over "screwing up"), you do not deserve to be ABUSED in your home. You are CHOOSING to be abused by keeping your youngest in your home.

I'm afraid for your safety and health, your son needs to live independently from you for now. He's not going to grow unless pushed and you're not going to be safe and healthy unless your home environment is stable.

Wishing you the best, praying for your family in this difficult time and hoping that you can choose safety and make peace with this situation.

He didn’t come home last night.

Texted me this morning saying that his suicide was on me.

We have been texting back and forth and he is describing in detail how he will die tonight and that I am responsible.

Police are at the house documenting yesterday’s events and the texting today. He said if the other police (he works in a different county than where we live) don’t find him at work that our county of residence police have filled out a missing person report and put him on a national register of missing. So if any police run his license he will show up missing.

In explaining what has been going on, of course the gun came up. Based on his current state of mind, the officer took the gun. But he said my son could pick it up any time. That if that wasn’t ok with me as the "landlord", that I could evict him if I wanted.

Now we wait.

I just wish there was a way to get a message through to my youngest son to tell him I (we - H and I) won’t see him at court today.

I'm so sorry WR. Praying for you and your family.

(((WR)))

Oh no WR, I'm sorry this is all going on. I'm glad you gave the gun to the cops though. That alone might have saved him.

I feel so badly for you. I'm glad the police took the gun but them saying they would return it right back to him is a
DISGRACE. He's threatening suicide, your life is in danger and they are willing to hand over the weapon to him. WRONG. So wrong. If you get that gun back, wrap it in something tight and bury the damn thing. That IS what I would do. Then tell him (if he asks) it got lost in the shuffle of all the conflict. He needs help. Way more help than you are qualified to give him. File a restraining order against him and then tell the courts he needs to be put somewhere to get HELP immediately. Your life depends on it.

Hey (((WR)))

Any updates? I hope your middle son didn't follow through with his threats. I 100% agree that he needs more help than you or your family can give him. Does he have a therapist he can talk with? Can you have him admitted on a psych hold for an evaluation?

I'm glad your oldest took himself out of the middle of you and his brother. I get that you want his support, but his brother needs him too. Maybe ask your ex-cop family member to help out?

Were you able to get an update from your youngest son's lawyer? He knows you would have been there if you could.

Please check in when you can. Praying for peace and calmness for you. ♥

My son called me at around 3:30 am. He asked me if I had called the police on him. I said that, yes, based on the things he had said, I was very concerned about him. He said he said all those things just because he was upset. No shit Sherlock.

I asked him why he asked me.

Turns out he and a friend had been in an accident. 1 car. Rolled the car. DUI (his friend). No one hurt. Drugs (weed) and paraphernalia found in the car. Police were borderline about arresting him. His name popped up from a BOLO and being a missing person.

Finally, son asked me to come get him. He was not under arrest. Was waiting for me at the police station. An hour away. He sobbed the whole way home. Sometimes feeling sorry for himself, sometimes not making sense. Refused to go to the hospital. Said this was just too much on top of everything else. I told him he should be grateful that they weren’t hurt. He said he wasn’t ready to be an adult. I reminded him he was 28 years old.

He kept saying that now he was jobless and homeless. I explained that I felt very hopeful that his job would not fire him over missing one day of work. And I reminded him that all he had to do to have a home with his family was to not be disrespectful to the other people living in the home. Basic guidelines. He chose to sleep in his truck last night.

I haven’t seen him this morning. I don’t even know if he is here. Yes, I agree with you that he certainly does need to go back to the hospital where he has been before. It has always helped him. But I can’t force him to go. I don’t plan to bring up the gun. The policeman who took it away said if my son asked about it, that I needed to tell him where it was. So maybe he won’t ask me about it.

I appreciate all of your kind words and good thoughts / prayers.

Regarding my youngest son they entered his plea deal yesterday. I had promised him that I would do my very best to have myself and his father there. Husband has not seen him for 18 months. I saw him once several months ago in a court room where I couldn’t speak, just smiled at him. Anyway, because of the issues with my other son, we were unable to go. I spoke to him last night and he seems to be in a good place. (I chose not to tell him about his brother at the time.

He has approximately two more years to serve. At 85%. And hopefully some of the programs and educational classes he is a part of will mean some further time off his sentence. He goes back to court in August for sentencing, then will be put into the hands of the Bureau of Prisons. They will have last word on what educational opportunities he can avail himself of…if he can be a part of a drug program…and (holding my breath) where he will be.

The location of the prison where he will go, the classification, and the distance from our home, is foremost in my mind. But last night when I spoke with my son about it, he told me, "But, Mama, the most important thing is really how I can best educate myself and improve myself for when I get out. And not so much how far away I am." (Referring to the fact that he would rather be farther away if it meant that he could study what he wanted in order to be better prepared when he gets out.)

I can’t remember when I have felt so proud and hopeful to have been "schooled" by my young son!

I am hoping that my middle son will be close by the next time our youngest calls from jail. I’m hoping they will get to talk a little bit. They had a very rough childhood together, frequently not getting along. But they have been doing better recently, and maybe he could have something helpful to say to him.

Again thanks , as usual, for being here for me.

Whatsright, wonderful news about your son! That's a light sentence. Did they tell him if the sentencing starts when he is transferred or if he will get credit for time served? He sounds like he's got it together and really trying. You so deserved to hear this news. Bless you!

As for your other son, just be vigilant for yourself and your home and I so hope he doesn't hurt himself. Mental health treatment in our country is a sham and horrible.

But, Mama, the most important thing is really how I can best educate myself and improve myself for when I get out. And not so much how far away I am." (Referring to the fact that he would rather be farther away if it meant that he could study what he wanted in order to be better prepared when he gets out.)

Wow! What a hopeful thing to say! I'm so glad he's chosen to take the time and make the best of it.

And I'm so glad it's not going to be too many years before he's out- thank goodness he will be able to be a young adult still upon release and move his future in a better direction.

So glad you got some good news about your youngest son. Sounds like he is making good choices.

"Mental health treatment in our country is a sham and horrible."

Sadly I have to agree with this.

I hope your son gets the help he needs.

Jeaniegirl…

They told us the sentence range was 42 months - 71 months. So he got 46 months minus the 21 months he will have already served by August when he is sentenced. That’s 25 months @85%.

Also we are hoping he will get some credit for training as well as the 5 courses he has completed where he has been awaiting plea/sentencing. Hoping he will be out for his 30th birthday.

My son seems to think it will be sooner, but he is happy that he will for sure be home before his son goes to kindergarten. It is just so sad he will have missed his entire babyhood. But…maybe these consequences will be enough to keep him straight from here on out.

My middle son slept outside last night, but has now made his way into his room and has locked the door…which is fine, but unusual for him. I don’t know the status of his job, because today is an off day for him. I guess I’ll know tomorrow depending on whether or not he goes to work.

BTW…any idea how to search what federal prisons have barber training offered? Trying to figure out where he might go.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 11:48 PM, Friday, April 21st]

I think he will be out sooner.

Try looking up Vocational and Apprenticeship Training in the Federal Bureau of Prisons. If he already has a 'talent' for barbering, he should tell them that. But the certification would be most helpful so he could work immediately after dischargwe.

Yes, I think that would make a HUGE difference…to be ready to go to work immediately when he gets out.

He is at a county facility now where he is being held relatively close to where his court appearances are. It is owned by a Christian private company that really treats them well. Lots of strict rules, (a necessity) but they give them special food and commissary "gift" snacks on holidays. Treats them like people. I try not to think what the real federal prison will be like. I’m praying daily for a safe place. As much as is possible.

And while he has been there, he has started cutting hair…just on his own. No real training. He says he weekly cuts hair for 3 inmates, and they are satisfied.

He screwed himself out of state wrestling championships, and other similar chances for accomplishment with his drug use and subsequent bad choices growing up. I pray coming out of this experience and being ready to get straight to work will set him up for moving straight into living his life differently.

Thanks so much for your encouragement through all of this. Just little things like "I think he will be out sooner" and other encouragements you have offered, have helped me move through this experience with more hope.

❤️❤️❤️

Federal facilities are usually not that bad. He should get some breaks there with vocational training to help him when he gets out. If you figure the 85% rule, he's not going to be gone THAT long -- but it will seem like a long time to you and probably to him. I hope he is placed nearby so you can visit. Calls and letters of encouragement will also help. I usually discourage my clients from having small children visit because of the invasive search policies -- looking into diapers, etc. To some young children that is traumatic. Maybe the facility will have the tablets they are now letting inmates have that enables them to do facetime calls with their children. While families have to pay for the phone time, it's very beneficial to small children to be able to 'see' the parent and know they are okay.

FaceTime with his son and his mama is something I pay for each week. I figure it’s the best money I will ever spend. Hoping that will eliminate the whole, "Who is that?" scenario from the baby when he comes home.

Right now he really wants his son to visit him. I will let him know what you have shared. The "baby" is 3 years old, so no diapers. But maybe my son can watch how that whole thing works before he and the baby’s mom decide if he should go for a visit.

Now the whole meltdown mess with my middle son has prompted my son and the mother of his child to decide that it’s not best that she comes over here. So as if the situation wasn’t bad enough, now I don’t get to see my grand baby any more.

I’m just so very sad. She has become my last happiness, (with my youngest away) and I don’t know how to go without seeing her.

All this because my son won’t get the help he needs. My concern / fear for him is turning into anger. I’m trying not to let that happen.

can’t you meet the grand baby at a neutral location? A park for an hour? That would give you a break and some grand baby time.
Try to find a way…