SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

6 weeks into marriage, haven’t even received our wedding photos and I made the horrible discovery that my husband had been seeing escorts. My world has been turned upside down.

We have been together for almost 4 years, during the relationship we didn’t engage in pre-marital sex, he told me he respected the decision. Throughout the relationship I would check up on him to see how he’s feeling, eg if he’s sexually frustrated but every time I ask he keeps assuring me he is fine. I don’t know how long he has been seeing escorts for but I came to find out accidentally when I stumbled upon exchanges that he had made with his mate sharing their encounters with escorts, as they would see the same one. He’s mate is also married and has been cheating on his wife for years. I was so shocked and disgusted when I discovered this. I found out he has been seeing escorts before we were dating and during our relationship, in fact he continued to see them after we got married.

I felt completely blindsided, I trusted my husband he was always kind and caring towards me never would I have thought he would be seeing escorts. I don’t even know who this man I married is. I gave him 2 chances to be open and honest with me but he kept denying saying he only went to see escorts to chat with them and have a cuddle but didn’t have any sexual encounters with them. I couldn’t believe that he could even try to feed me with such lies. Finally I had enough and showed him the proof. He still denied it at first but finally admitted to it only 3 times, although I know it was way more than that.

He said he wants to do everything he can to work on our marriage but I just can’t trust him anymore, he didn’t even confess the truth I had to force it out of him, so it feels like he’s not remorseful at all but just guilty he got caught. He’s currently seeing a counselor, I asked him straight up if he has sex addiction and he adamantly says no.

I’m so angry with the situation I felt like he conned me into marrying him. If he wasn’t satisfied with the relationship he should have just communicated it with me or just walk away, so that I could have found a man more compatible with my values. I felt that it’s so unfair that he never communicated with me his dissatisfaction, and selfishly took matters in his own hands by endangering my health. I can’t believe he says that he loves me and could sleep peacefully at night knowing what he’s done. If he loves me how could he betray me like this, he even knew that I was betrayed in my previous relationship and assured me that not all men are like my ex, but he betrayed me 100 times worse.

We have no kids so my head says run but my heart wants to believe he can change.
Is there any hope in reconciling or am I just better off leaving this broken marriage? I just can’t trust him anymore.

You poor woman, you do not deserve this. And that's the first point; know from the start that you have done nothing to warrant this, this is who your 'new' husband is. In some ways you are extremely lucky (I know, it sounds stupid) to have him reveal his true colours so early in.

While I am a proponent of reconciliation, he does not appear to be worthy of the time noting he's been doing this for years. You seem young, and if you've only been married a few weeks, you might be able to have the whole thing annulled without a divorce. If you do, you'll likely have to move quickly depending on the annullment laws in your country/state.

It's one thing to cheat. It takes a special kind of evil to:

A. Do it to someone who was keeping their body for the sanctity of marriage,

B. Expose that person to sexual disease in doing so,

C. Cheat on that partner knowing full well the hurt they had already been through due to infidelity previously,

D. Boast and high-five their friend about doing so, and, the final cherry on top,

E. Do this for YEARS.

Others will be along soon. From a personal anecdote, my ex-wife cheated on me within the first year of marriage with a workmate. I gave her a chance. Fast forward 10 years later, I'm on this sure again after finding out she had an affair with two other married men but 18 months ago.

You're likely going to fed variations of, 'baby, I had to sleep with the escorts because I was so sexually frustrated trying to hold out for you baby' or 'I did this for us so that I wouldn't let you down on our wedding night baby'...ignore it for the absolute b/s it is. It's truly not worth the risk. You deserve far, far better than this trash posing as your partner.

[This message edited by Hurthalo at 1:15 PM, Tuesday, May 2nd]

Welcome to SI Newlywed.

Only you can decide if you want to invest more time into this man. He has lied to you your entire relationship. It doesn't sound like there is much to build on. You deserve so much more than a lying cheater.

Did you inform the wife of his friend?

Run. It will never get any better than this. You were tricked into marrying a stranger, and you have every legitimate and legal reason to call this whole thing off. And as stated, you're likely eligible for an annullment given the short time period you've been married.

Make sure you spread far and wide what you've discovered so he doesn't try to slander your character for leaving.

If he's cheating during the honeymoon period of your marriage, he will do it again, when life stress comes about.

Take this as a gift. You found out, very early,who he is. No kids, RUN.

Yes,it will hurt. It will hurt more if you stay,have kids with him,and then have to put them through the pain of divorce.

He has exposed you to deadly stds.

He says he will do everything..bit you know that's not true because he isn't being honest.

You don't love him. You love the man he pretended to be. THIS is who he is..a liar,a betrayer, a man who risks your health. A man who will do this again,eventually.

When someone shows you who he is..believe him.

I'll be honest with you, I hate the usage of "escorts" to describe prostitutes. It makes it sound like they're helping senior citizens cross the street instead of selling sexual favors for money... and all the societal problems that particular action entails, ruined relationships, disease transmission, trafficking, etc. I feel like people want to make it sound less damaging and more acceptable by toning down the language, but for your purposes, using more direct terminology can bring the conversation back to the damage done so that your WS can't minimize what he's done.

I felt like he conned me into marrying him. If he wasn’t satisfied with the relationship he should have just communicated it with me or just walk away, so that I could have found a man more compatible with my values.

There's no scenario here in which that statement isn't objectively true. You feel conned because you were conned. He had a choice and he made it. Conflict avoidance was his impulse and that's a really tough flaw to change under the best of circumstance. The level of perfidy here though speaks to much larger flaws in character. This guy doesn't have a problem with deceit, prostitution, or adultery. He's not only fine with sneaking around behind your back, he finds it to be an acceptable trait in his married friend's character. These aren't good signs. I'm sorry.

See if you can get your marriage annulled.

So sorry you had to find us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that you might find helpful, as well as the plethora of information in the Healing Library. The Healing Library also holds the list of acronyms that we use.

If his use of prostitutes were a one-off type of thing, I would say there's a chance he can change. Because it's been 4 years that you know about, which I would suspect is actually longer, then there's less of a chance that he will put in the work to be a safe partner. Watch his actions and not his words. It takes a lot of work to R, and if both partners aren't able/willing to put in the tough work, then R will fail. He can say all kinds of things (which he will do to keep stringing you along), but his actions will be louder than his words.

Would you please also tell his friend's wife? She has the right to know that her husband is cheating, as she is making decisions that can have long-lasting effects on her life.

Also, please get tested for STDs/STIs. Stay hydrated. See your doctor for meds if you think you're feeling depressed or having issues sleeping.

You're right - you don't know the man you married because he wasn't honest with you about who he is at the core. He did con you.

Good luck and keep posting. A saying we have around here regarding all the advice you'll get is to take what you need and leave the rest. FWIW, if I found out so soon after the wedding and no kids were involved, I would file for D. After kids and mortage payments and car payments and life in general, it will be more difficult to leave.

You’ve received excellent advice. I just want to emphasize to take care of yourself. You have suffered a real trauma not to be taken lightly. Do check out IC to help you moving forward. Exercise, eat healthy, confide in family and close friends you can trust. Pursue you hobbies and stay active if you can.

Of course you were conned in the worst way and you should be enraged. While you were saving yourself for him, he was engaging with prostitutes and lying. I know it is hard to appreciate now, but it is best that you found out now, than much later in your M. Good luck.

You might talk to a lawyer about having it annulled. He married you under fault pretenses and I think that’s considered reasons for annulment that means it’s fairly quick and over and done with.

Please contact the other wife. She knows nothing and it sounds like he’s been cheating on her for years. What two horrible human beings you two poor ladies have gotten involved with. Please take care of yourself and move on. He is not worth it.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 7:30 PM, Tuesday, May 2nd]

I don’t know how old you are but I’m going to make a few suggestions.

1. Demand he move out of your home. Immediately. Why? You need space to heal and process this. Also it will give you a chance to see what he will actually do. If you learn he’s been out seeing other women b/c you are separated then he was never really all that interested in making amends and getting help for himself.

2. Don’t tell him what to do next. See if he man’s up and figured it out on his own. If not, then he was never really all that interested in making amends and reconciling.

3. Demand a post nup. Whether you Reconcile or Divorce, for now I would get one. If he protests, then he’s not thinking of you and the marriage he’s only thinking of himself and $.

4. Separate your bank accounts and credit cards ASAP. Cancel or close every joint account immediately. If you decide to D, it’s one less thing you have to do and he cannot ruin your credit for not paying bills in your name.

5. If you work, open your own bank account and start putting your earnings in an account he has no access to.

6. Find yourself a good counselor who can support you during this nightmare. Not a marriage counselor but someone just for you.

7. If he refuses counseling — 🚩🚩. That signifies again he was never really all that interested in making amends and getting help for himself or focusing on the marriage. He’s focused on himself and doing the bare minimum.

8. See an attorney and see if there is recourse for wedding expenses due to his fraud and lying to you to marry you. I would want to be compensated for money spent under a fraudulent scheme he inflicted on you.

9. Do not allow him to control the situation. He may say please don’t tell people — I think at least your families should be told immediately in case you decide at any point that you don’t see this working out, they are not shocked or blindsided.

His parents need to know his mindset and behavior ASAP so he doesn’t blame you!!! And many many cheaters try to blame the betrayed spouse or partner. It helps them alleviate their guilt by telling themselves yet another lie.

I am so sorry for you. You deserve better than this.

I can tell you that it's almost guaranteed that he's been seeing prostitutes probably before he met you. Call them "providers" when you refer to them the next time the conversation comes up... then watch his face. He most likely started with porn and digressed into prostitution. He has probably been doing this for a while now. Most guys who get caught have. It's an addiction and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. It is fairly simple. Because he was not getting what he wanted in the bedroom, he made the conscious decision to go and pay someone else for the experience he desired. This could have all been avoided if he would have been honest with you from the beginning. You could have either accepted or rejected his hypersexual needs. I can also tell you that he does not want you to leave him. There is a high probability that you fulfill every need in his life excluding the obvious. When a guy cheats, nine times out of ten it's all about the physical. But when a woman cheats... it's over. It's a sad truth that many deny. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

Run.

You should be able to get an annulment.

You don't have any practical reasons to pursue R and love isn't a good enough reason in it's own.

Get therapy, try to eat healthy, avoid alcohol, and get your sleep. Sorry this happened to you.

First, please go to a doctor to have yourself checked out. These two men are not the only ones paying for that woman's time. Make sure you've not been unwittingly passed a STD.

Your husband lied, and lied to cover the lie, and lied even more. I have been there (different circumstance, same lying pattern). I went through a year and a half of dragging the lies out of him. Catching him in more lies and forcing the truth. It broke me. I had a stroke from it. If you want to fight the good fight, you make sure your man is 100% on board and recommitting. You take his credit card, his ATM, all of it, and if he needs money, he has to ask you. With his permission and willingness, install parental control apps on all his devices and monitor them regularly. This is what it means to be on top of a cheating spouse while trying to fix your relationship. Are you up for it? I am not trying to discourage you, only let you know what is in store for you and what peace of mind you can give yourself while you both work on repairing your relationship. It's been 4.5 years since my D-Day and I still have triggers.

If you do not want to have to monitor your husband like he is an untrustworthy child with no rights in the relationship for some time to come, your marriage is still early enough to have it annulled, possibly. Therefore, you wouldn't have to call yourself a divorcee.

Think about it. Think about what your future will be like. Think about the stress, the lack of trust, the always second guessing whether they are lying even about inconsequential things. Just please don't deceive yourself: he will lie to you, with both words and with silence. That is something he's already shown you and continues to do without remorse. That's something he needs therapy for.

Best of luck. You are not alone. ♥

[This message edited by SoveriegnCrux at 12:08 AM, Wednesday, May 3rd]

Avoid a life of being the marriage police or his gatekeeper.

He’s either on board and you can reconcile and be happy or you need to get out.

You don’t want to spend your life looking over your shoulder and always worrying about what he is (or isn’t) going.

Hugs to you!

Newlywed23
I am very sorry for what you are going through.
Since you say you did not engage in premarital sex, i am assuming sex is very sacred to you. I admire that.
having your husband betray in the most intimate way is devastating and earth shattering. Unfortunately, you will never be the same. Nor will your marriage.
I am not sure that your husband was using escorts solely because he wasn’t getting sex from you. I think he has a deeper and bigger issue that he needs to deal with. Even if he were getting sex from you before marriage, it is highly likely that he would have sought out escorts.
I believe in the sanctity of marriage and hope for every marriage to survive and thrive. But in your case, i wonder if it might be better for you to cut ties now before you invest any more of yourself. It is not even a matter of you trusting him or not. It really is a matter of him fixing what is broken inside of him and get to the bottom of the real reason for him to pay for sex with illegal sex workers. It’s a different animal than having a drunken one night stand.
Wishing you all the best and healing. Again i am so very sorry. We are here for you.

Hi, Newlywed23;

I’m sorry you’re here, but am glad you found us.

Hurthalo and I have something in common – Our wives cheated on us within a year of M.

I see a pattern and your WH falls into that pattern. Do I know without a doubt he will change course and become a faithful, safe partner? No, I do not.

What I suggest is to follow the advice others have given so far. Seek an annulment. If that can’t be arranged, go for D (divorce). I would tell your WH (Wayward Husband) if he still wants to be married to you, he has to earn it by showing you he will change to become a good H. He needs to (make up your own list, but here’s a suggestion):

Stop having sex outside of M
Seek counseling to determine why he felt it was acceptable to have sex with a hooker while dating someone who loves him very much, then continue seeing the hooker after getting married.
Block any and all contact avenues with this and any other hookers/hook-ups

I wouldn’t make very many demands at this point. The idea behind these criteria is to see if, over time, he will meet these needs of yours. Be separated and you go on your merry way. IF he really loves you and is willing to do anything to earn you back, then he will seek help for his problem all on his own. IF you are still available after he has corrected this issue inside of himself, and IF you are still interested in him, the you can consider re-marriage. But, I would get an annulment to show him you are very serious about how you will be treated.

My heart goes out to you. Keep us informed of what goes on. Post often, even if it’s just to vent – that’s what we’re here for!!

6-weeks, no kids, he’s cheating already.

He’s cheating during the honeymoon phase of your relationship, when you’re supposed to be at apex of your love, infatuation and limerance. He’s barely out the gate and already just absolutely wrecking you and marriage with total disregard. This does not bode well.

Do want to condemn yourself to a life of constant fear, a lack of security, trust? Do you want to raise kids in this environment?

Life hasn’t even begun to throw stressors at your marriage and he’s already failing, miserably. How will things be 7-10-20 years down the line when the stress of kids, aging, midlife, constant temptation, career stress, financial stress, aging and ailing parents, and the dull drums of marriage hit.

I’d begin my search for a better LIFE partner than this. I’d start today by consulting an attorney.

Hi, welcome to SI.

I have to agree with the others, he's been lying to you your entire relationship, I'd get out now.

You deserve a man who is faithful no matter what the circumstances.

He has exposed you to possible STDS. Please get tested asap.

Find a good counselor for yourself to help you navigate healing from this mess.

BTW, his friend's wife needs to be informed her husband is cheating as she is also living a lie AND is being exposed to who knows what diseases he might be bringing home.

So sorry this has happened to you.

He has shown you who he is, please, please believe him.

You sound like me 20 yrs ago. I am still here that should tell you something…RUN….as fast as you can.