SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been just a few (8 short weeks) since I caught my husband getting a happy ending massage at a hotel in the middle of the day. This was his second time in 6 months or so. Our lives have been full of stress the last 3 years or so and I knew he was not ok - either was I. I have read some things on here only in the reconciliation forum as that's what we are shooting for right now. But those don't really give me hope either. So many people are so many years out and still struggling. I am so hurt but I do love him very much. He has been an amazing husband for the past 34 years. We've truly been happy. He is beside himself with the hurt he has caused me and we are in therapy. Will I ever look at him the same? I so want too.

I’m so sorry you’re here. This takes time and both the FWS and the BS working tooth and nail. Will you look at him the same? I don’t know. There is a before and after in our marriage over this. But, I do like the after that we’ve built. Please take care of you. It is a bumpy road. Give yourself all the compassion and time you’d give a good friend going through the same. 8 weeks out, I was a mess. I know you want it to work out. At 8 weeks out myself, I wasn’t sure. FWH kept telling me he’d fix it all….and I had serious doubts at that point. I wasn’t sure I wanted to.

We had amazing MC, but the IC was key for me. I’m so sorry. I wish I had a magic wand for this, but it is just very hard work. And, two steps forward with one step back. It is a marathon.

So sorry you had to find us. In the JFO (Just Found Out)forum, there are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that are very helpful. Additionally, the Healing Library has a lot of great information, including the list of acronyms we use.

When you say we are in therapy, are you doing IC (individual counseling)? MC (marriage counseling) has a tendency to blame the BS (betrayed spouse). The infidelity is 100% his responsibility, and not your fault. I mean, you've been in the same stressful situation but you didn't cheat.

There's a thread in the ICR (I Can Relate) forum for Emotionless Infidelity that you may wish to read as you have time.

Thank you so much for the messages. We are in Couples counseling. And so far there has been no victim blaming. She has told him he screwed up bad and he needs to work on this, this, and this. She has called me a strong woman, etc. etc. She actually found this sight for me to talk on and read since I have chosen to not share this information with any of my friends or family. So anyway, so far so good on that front. She has talked about disassociated behavior based on his description on what he did. The abbreviation part is very necessary! There are so many here. So far my husband and I have talked every day about this. Cried alot, etc. He has done nothing but accept total responsibility and I have not been blamed for anything by him or the therapist. Although, I've been looking to find my part in this. It has of course dropped my self esteem. I am overweight and have never felt good about myself in that way. My husband has never, not once, put me down for this and for that I have always been grateful. But his seeking out sexual gratification by someone I can only assume is younger and thinner has not been easy to say the least.

[This message edited by oonly4me at 4:04 AM, Monday, May 29th]

The self-esteem takes a hit, which is normal. Jennifer Aniston and Halle Berry were cheated on. It doesn't matter how young/old you are, how fat/skinny you are, cheaters gonna cheat because that's who they are. I

Really, it isn't about you, it's all about the selfishness of your WH.

FWIW, I filed for D the week before our 34th anniversary.

What do you want for the rest of your life? If your WH can change to be a safe partner, that's great. If he can't, what do you want?

I’m sorry for you. Your husband had a non-emotional sexual encounter. Yes it is cheating. But it’s not the same kind of cheating as an affair wherein there are emotional connections.

My H planned to D me after knowing the OW for less than 6 months. While she was 20 years younger (think typical mid life crisis affair) she wasn’t thinner or prettier or anything like that.

What’s ironic is my husband is a Corp executive and this girl was covered in tattoos. I mean boobs and neck and both arms etc. Her fashion sense was having her "assets" falling out of every top she ever wore.

Typical midlife crises affair.

We survived it and we are very happy.

Just know that your husband can only help you heal to a point. The rest is on you.

You have to accept he cheated.

You have to accept he’s not the guy you thought he was. He’s no longer on a pedestal so to speak.

You have to deal with the pain of betrayal.

And you have to heal yourself.

I hope this helps you.

Welcome to SI.

Most abbreviations are in the Healing Library, one of the selections on the 2nd line of SI web pages.

A few things about the R forum may make it easier for you to take in the threads.

First, this is a forum for helping with the difficult parts of R. True R (as opposed to 'false R' in which the WS keeps lying) is not an easy path. There are bumps along the way. There are even crashes along the way that hurt but don't end R. SO readers are bound to read about the difficult parts of R.

Occasionally, an old-timer will report good stuff once a year. Occasionally, someone will add to the 'Positive R' stories pinned at the top of the R thread. But mostly, the R forum is about problems.

Second, one of the recommended approaches to infidelity is to sweep the mess under the rug. We almost always tell people not to rug-sweep, but for some people, we don't overcome what 'experts' say. My impression is that many of the BSes who come here with troubles years after an A have tried to bury their thoughts and feelings about their WS's A, and it's no longer working.

That means they come here almost at the beginning of their healing, which means they have to go back to making the go/stay decision. Some of them choose to stay, and some go, because this is the first time they make a conscious or free choice.

Third, some folks force themselves into staying and think that's R. After a few years of angst, they realize something is wrong with that decision, and they find SI.

Fourth, most SIers don't stick around very long. They're here during a crisis and leave once they get through the crisis. That means we don't know how they did and how they're doing. I believe they don't think about updating us once they find peace or happiness or whatever it is that they're seeking. My guess - and hope - is that most members come here, get what they need, and move on, so there are 1000s of SIers out there who are happy with their choices. But that's something between a guess and wishful thinking, not a fact.

In any case, those are some of the reasons the R forum makes R look rockier than my experience has been. My W was committed to changing from betrayer to good partner. We started with one step forward and one back and progresses to 2, 3, 4, and more steps forward between steps back. It took longer than I expected for the steps backward to become insignificant, but it did happen.

Thank you Sissoon - your response was very helpful. Had a bad morning today (8 weeks since I caught him). He is nothing but kind to me and comforting and so very sorry for the pain he caused. It's just frustrating to have the person comfort you who is the one that caused the pain. I think I'm almost struggling more with forgiving him because it makes me feel not as strong. Like I'm letting him get away with something and I'm sinking below my standards. That's one thought process and then the other is - how can I forget 37 years of being together. We are H.S. sweethearts and until that day it has worked beautifully. We have grown together instead of apart. Maybe the one thing that is good about this (choked a little writing that) is that his communication is much better. He's willing to talk/listen any time that I need it. Therapist says it's very important for him to continue to talk to me so I trust him. He was spiraling in depression and pushing it all down (he has always done this with stress) and that's part of what led to this behavior. He says it's so hard because in some ways he is so much better now and grateful that I saved him by catching him. He said the experience was awkward and he felt such shame and self loathing after and during. I believe all of this to be true. Just wish he talked to me first and asked for help. But here we are. He broke my heart and I am going to do my best to heal and forgive. Sorry for the rambling. Nice to get some of these feelings out.

Way too soon to think about forgiveness.

Many BS stress over it. The truth is, forgiveness isn't a requirement for reconciliation. Some do,some don't. True forgiveness may come,in time, after you've seen his honest, and remorseful action, for quite some time. Don't pressure yourself.

Hellfire, good point. Just want to be happy and trust him again.

Also, at 8 weeks out I was still in shock. I believe we can't do our best thinking when in shock. I created something of an observer in my head and just sat back observing myself and my W deal with the waves of thoughts and feelings.

I knew I wanted R, but I let myself just ride the waves.

*****

Yeah, if you R you let him get away with something. R is a gift that you do not have to offer. The fact that you've offered it already doesn't matter - you can withdraw at any time for any reason and still hold your head high. But there's no justice in R. Mercy abounds, however, and that's as good as or better than justice, if R is what you truly want.

My W had sex with someone other than me. As long as she's alive, I don't want sex with someone other than her, so what she got away with doesn't matter to me.

Look inside. Notice what attitudes come up most often and most strongly. That is likely to tell you if R or D is better for you.

There are no 'shoulds' here. Both R & D can be honorable ways to respond to your H's infidelity. The best way through the pain is to be true to yourself.

*****

I don't know anything about this thread, but in the "I Can Relate' forum, there's a thread about 'emotionless infidelity'. It may be worth checking into. It's here: https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/624030/emotionless-infidelity-part-4/

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:11 PM, Wednesday, May 31st]

Also, at 8 weeks out I was still in shock. I believe we can't do our best thinking when in shock. I created something of an observer in my head and just sat back observing myself and my W deal with the waves of thoughts and feelings.

I knew I wanted R, but I let myself just ride the waves.

Yes, shock. That's what this is, I think. I just want to be done with it and move on because I know he's a good person and I see the remorse but then I am just so hurt and pissed at the same time. How dare he!!! I'm in shock. I know time is what I need. Lots of time and he knows that he's on the edge of the cliff (or maybe that's me?) and one slip is all it takes to put one of us over the edge.

Thank you for the e/i thread. It's pretty old so I may post there as well. I do take some comfort that it was not an EA but doesn't mean I don't still hurt.

hi oonly4me,

Welcome to SI, I'm sorry for what you must be going through.

8 weeks is very quick to have already jumped into couples counselling. Your husband is the problem here, not your marriage. You and your marriage are just the victims. I absolutely get the desire to want to do something (anything!) that feels productive like it might "fix" things. Right now, it's your husband that needs the fixing though.

I'm someone who was able to reconcile. I was never overly romantic about or relationship but I did think we were special previously. I can't say that I look at my husband exactly the same now as I did before, but when I look at him now, I no longer see him as a cheater. I just see someone who is more complicated and more flawed than I previously would have thought, but whom I love and respect and understand better than I ever did previously.

This was his second time in 6 months or so.

His second time engaging a sex worker or his second time being caught doing so? What assurance have you received that this behaviour hasn't been taking place for longer. You mention that you actually caught him. How did this play out? Did something tip you off? I don't profess to have any expertise in how emotionless affairs work, but it does strike me as a little odd that this behaviour would start in his mid-late 50s. If you read here long enough, you will also learn that it's incredibly rare, almost unheard of, for a WS to be 100% honest right off the bat. That "it was only one (or two) times" is probably the most common lie that a new BS is told. Have you gone through the emails and the bank and credit card statements? How about his internet history?

I don't say any of this to discourage you, truly I don't. I know how you are feeling right now and I know that this probably reads like I'm discounting your relationship and the way you feel about him and I couldn't possibly know what its like to be in your shoes. I felt exactly the same way when I came here wanting a step-by-step guide on how to overcome, and perhaps a bunch of flowery stories reassuring me and telling me it was possible. I am just saying this to prepare you for the possibility of further discoveries. Nothing hurts more or is more damaging, than starting the excruciating process of trying to rebuild back trust following an A, only to find that your spouse is still lying. If there is more to your husband's infidelity that you've not been told so far, it is FAR better to learn it now rather than a year (or more) from now. Better to push for EVERYTHING now, rather than have it eat away at your for years and then finally come out later.

Good luck and I hope you'll keep posting. No matter how motivated we are to reconcile, it really is a process.

[This message edited by emergent8 at 10:43 PM, Wednesday, May 31st]

Hi @oonly4me I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this painful betrayal and I can understand the roller coaster of emotions you're going through. It's great that your MC is helping you both and holding your H accountable as well, it might also be beneficial to also consider IC too especially if it's a mid life crisis that you're H is experiencing.

One thing I learnt in my own journey of R, is not to rug sweep any issues in other to get back to normality quickly, it's never a good option in the long run.

I hear you when you say how can you forget 37 years of being together, it's a huge investment that can't easily be written off and the truth is love can't just be turned off like you would turn off a tap. I know I went through many emotions of love, anger, sadness and disbelief after I found out about my H's infidelity but IC really helped me to get stronger and more stable in my emotions. With regards to forgiveness, I don't think it's a weak person that chooses to forgive but more a person who is willing to extend grace and mercy to someone who has hurt them so they can move forward in their own healing.

Forgiving does not mean you accept and excuse the wrong, so I want to encourage you to stay strong and hopeful that healing and true R can be your story as it was mine.

Wishing you all the best!

His second time engaging a sex worker or his second time being caught doing so? What assurance have you received that this behavior hasn't been taking place for longer. You mention that you actually caught him. How did this play out? Did something tip you off? I don't profess to have any expertise in how emotionless affairs work, but it does strike me as a little odd that this behavior would start in his mid-late 50s.

His second time engaging. I caught him with tracking on our iphones. Just looked to see if my daughter made it to work and saw his car parked at a hotel. Texted with him even. Then kept watching - I was at work. Then I saw the phone move inside and I panicked. I left work and drove there still hoping that the app was off and I wouldn't find his truck. But there it was. I didn't have a plan or know what to do but knew it was life changing. I called work and said I may not be back (family emergency) and I waited. Actually I went and got gas then came back and waited in a spot where I could see the door and his vehicle. Had no idea how long I would wait but knew I would not be leaving. So many visions in my head. Was so afraid I'd see him walk someone to their car or whatever. I called hotel and tried to get a room number, etc. etc. He came out soon and called me right away as I had texted him and called him a couple times. He looked distraught. So I do know the timeline of his time inside the hotel and it was a little under an hour so the happy ending massage story rings true. He asked what was wrong and I said everything, can you come home? I hung up - he tried calling me back while rushing to his car. I then followed him to the car banged on the window where he saw me and it was just like in the movies. I was the very pathetic wife losing her shit. Screaming who is she and hitting him. He told me immediately it was a naughty massage and told me shortly after this was his second time and he doesn't know what the hell is wrong with him. I wasn't even at the point of asking more questions yet as I was a hot mess. He put his hands in his pockets and said hit me all you need. While saying how sorry he was. I stormed off, he followed me and fell to his knees begging me to talk after I told him he could do whatever the hell he wanted now as it was over. There were so many tears by us both. I do believe him.

I believe him because of the following as well. Another part of our story may have people judging us/me but in the last few years we experimented with a lifestyle club. We had rules and conversations and were closer than ever. It was always experiences together. NEVER apart. I think, unfortunately this desensitized him. He is depressed - and we are working to get him anti-depressants now. We never fight and even now we haven't. It's been discussion after discussion. Tears and more tears daily since that day.

I am trying to just go with my gut on this. He f'd up. And the way he is trying to make it up to me is good. There has not been one negative thing said by him to me. No excuses or anything. I believe depression and this was something he could control in his life are the reasons. We are both trying to figure that part out. It is a reason not an excuse and it will take time for me to get over this but I believe I can. I so hope that I can. He is a good man. The first man that would call someone who did this a douche bag. He is working hard, beating himself up every day for his stupid actions. I'm not going to discount that. And even feel for him when he falls apart - although that part is hard because I want to comfort him but also, he did this to himself. And believe me I tell him that and he tells himself that every time. He's not being let off the hook by any means. I am hurt so hurt and in shock. Although I think anger is starting to take over. It's a mixed bag depending on the hour. *sigh One day at a time.

[This message edited by oonly4me at 10:00 PM, Thursday, June 1st]

Bella Lee!

Thank you so much for your kind words. No rug sweeping here. I don't think so anyway. He comes home every day and says how grateful he is to see my car in the garage. I was at the gym one time when he came home and he panicked. He is waiting every day for the other shoe to drop and for me to see he's just garbage and leave. I want a strong marriage on the other side of this.