SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey, Tav3n. Sorry you've had to find us here. Welcome to the greatest club that no one ever wanted to join.

I'm not going to get into the specifics of your situation. However, I wanted to point out something that I hope will help out your overall perspective.

One of the many aspects regarding infidelity that I've observed over the years is that human nature can be very predictable. For instance, many betrayed spouses, when they discover that their spouse has been unfaithful, automatically wonder why this has happened to them and how to avoid it in the future. They wonder what they did wrong, how they contributed to the spouse's need for an affair, and how they can be a better spouse to ensure that it does not happen in the future. It's a natural response to trauma; a vital aspect of our survival instincts. If you've ever burned yourself on a hot stove, for instance, your brain makes a whole new set of connections to ensure that you remember that hot stoves are dangerous and quite worthy greater attention. And so, it seems to me that most betrayed spouses' survival instincts kick in and we end up going through a similar process.

We blame ourselves and question ourselves in a desperate search to find the right answers only to discover that we've taken a deep plunge into the rabbit hole.

Nothing you ever did or didn't do, nothing you ever said or didn't say, would have made any difference when it came to your WW choosing to escape her own issues. There was nothing you could have done to avoid being betrayed and there's nothing you can do to ensure that it never happens again (aside from getting divorced and remaining single for the rest of your life).

Most of us could always improve ourselves a bit. There's nothing wrong with working on our own ability to excel in life and cope with all the shit that it throws our way.

Your WW's decision to have and continue an affair is 100% on her and her alone.

Which leads to another very predictable aspect of human nature: "Damage control mode."

Your WW went straight into damage control mode the moment her affair was exposed. I suppose that's another aspect of those good ole survival instincts. We've all seen wayward spouses continue to lie, obfuscate, minimize, defect, blame-shift, gas-light, and so on and so forth, all in an effort to protect themselves and control the narrative and situation. Most, or so it seems to me, would rather put it all behind them as quickly as possible and move on with life.

It takes a ton of courage, fortitude and authenticity, not to mention profound desire, to reach deep down inside of ourselves, own and fix our shit. It's not a pleasant journey by any stretch of the imagination. If your WW is anything like the majority of other wayward spouses out there, she's doing her level best to protect herself and control the situation and the outcome.

Peace, brother.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 4:27 PM, Sunday, June 4th]

BS ONLY.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:15 PM, Monday, June 5th]

Hey All,

Thanks again for the advice. Especially appreciate what you said Unhinged.

I definitely do not take any blame or look at my actions as justification for her cheating. I made it very clear to her that I no longer want to hear about how "my drinking negated all the positive things I did for her in the last 10 months." Or how "most of our pictures happened when you were downstairs gaming". It passively puts blame on me, and even our MC said we both played a part in having a bad marriage, but my wife can't use my actions to justify cheating.

A brief update, and thanks to Hellcat for pushing on the polygraph/written timeline of events. Since I put that scenario in her face I learned a lot of new things. I think her avoidance issues made it hard to pinpoint exact dates so she gave like general timelines of when things progressed. So here it is

- Her ex, the AP, reached out on Instagram in early June (her original story was September), he began immediately hitting on her and going over a "what if" scenario between them. (I saw this through screenshots on her phone yesterday, that for some reason she never deleted. I honestly think she forgot about them because she got an "Oh shit" look on her face when I discovered them) He also immediately brought about a taboo situation of them even talking because his wife would be mad and quickly created a fantasy world between them.

- She wound up sending her first picture to him that night of her in pajamas

- They began talking a few weeks later and he was more aggressive about getting her to buy into the fantasy situation he started/forming a bond on shared interests/sending more pictures. She obviously reciprocated a lot but it sounded like mostly him being the initiator early on.

- She admitted that she would frequently say to him how unhappy she was with our marriage and reveal my drinking issues when I was in the basement playing games/drinking.

- The first very taboo picture (her in underwear) came late August, which was messed up for me because that night was the first time in 7 years she asked me for sex without any coersion on my end. Its also messed up because it happened at my parents summer home. There were definitely pictures sent in between June/August though, just not as scantaly clad on her end.

- There was a frequent cycle between September-December of him building up a taboo friendship/emotional support and then pushing more and more riske sexting/pictures. Again I am sure she did her part in the exchange, I just got the feeling that he was much more the aggressor in this. To be honest, when she was describing what happened, I was immediately thinking of classic grooming techniques that online predators use.

- The sexting and pictures became very frequent since early December and got more very frequent in April (to the point that is pretty much all he wanted from her was to share/recieve nude pictures).

- We went through her phone and I saw some pictures along with videos she took for AP (she was obviously very drunk) of her touching herself in January. Even though it sucked to see, something in the look on her face made me realize that she was just escaping. I didn't recognize my real wife at all in those videos. And it made me realize I really don't want the type of attention she gave him, because it isn't genuine love. I think this was also the first time I really felt that everything we were is dead and being around her at that moment felt like a different relationship.

- I also saw a timestamp on her instagram logs of when she blocked his wife, it was around the same time she said his wife reached out to her about seeing my message revealing the A. Again, I never got a "seen" notification on my end, but its very possible she read my message on a social monitoring app, as she has an online business. I have deleted the message on my end to the AP's wife, but I did not block her, so she can view the message at any time. However, in my mindset the AP and his wife are out of sight and out of mind until I notice something off again.

- I also saw a Instagram timestamp of her blocking the AP on DDay. So, again, not 100% certain there hasn't been other communication, but at least I know his main account on instagram has been blocked the entire time.

- She also admitted a bunch of things over the last 5 days. Including being raped as her first time sex experience, and being molested several times as a child. She was also frequently teased by classmates as being a whore in high school (even though she only slept with boyfriends, not including the rape). Which might help explain her low sex drive since we've met. She also said she has a hard time saying no to men's sexual requests which I think could be related to these moments. Definitely something for her to work out in therapy, but I would have interacted with her way different in our marriage if I knew this happened sooner.

- Another thing she admitted is that she fell out of love with me since our marriage, when my drinking began to really spike. She likes how I've been since I quit drinking, but we both admitted genuine love isnt there yet. I love her in a way that I want to help her out and protect her, but I don't think I have the approrpiate love on my end that a husband should. So we need to navigate that and figure out if we can learn to love each other again. I also said I am not having sex with her again until genuine love is there.

I feel I have a good understanding of everything. That being said I am still doing the polygraph, and I am not dropping the condition that if she is caught lieing then I am done. Shes worried that she won't remember something or her nerves will effect the results, but I've done enough research to assure her that nerves are accounted for. Also I revealed (and I felt this was okay because the information is available online) that I cannot ask questions of her emotions or moments she was impared by alcohol. So I am confident that if a lie is discovered its because she is lieing.

[This message edited by Tav3n at 3:47 PM, Tuesday, June 6th]

"She also said she has a hard time saying no to men's sexual requests"

But was she having a hard time saying no to your sexual requests?

No, she always had sex with me when I asked. Even when I could tell she didn't want to. The issue on my end is she never initiated sex or made me feel sexually desired unless she was drunk.

[This message edited by Tav3n at 8:48 PM, Tuesday, June 6th]

BTW I wish I could change the title to "I contributed to a bad marriage", because that is what I meant

Quick update, looks like I can't do the polygraph after all. The tester didn't realize that my wife is pregnant, and between my wife's changing hormones along with the stress that comes with a polygraph (which could be enough to yield a miscarriage according to the tester), the tester said I most likely wouldn't get a good outcome from it.

But I still leveraged the idea of the test as much as possible. Yesterday, made my wife sit across from me at the table yesterday, look me in the eye with her hands on the table, and asked her all the questions that would have been asked on the polygraph.

Felt a little bad, because my wife broke down crying in the middle of it, swore she never physically cheated on me and only joked about ever trying to see the AP in person. She also gave me a look in the eye towards the end that kind of said to my gut "I don't know what more I can do to make you believe I am telling the truth now, please don't leave me". Afterwards I told her I cancelled the polygraph.

Between that moment, and the gut wrenching answers she gave to me throughout the week of the affair, I do feel I know all the details I want to know. I really believe my wife, mentally, was living 2 different lives during the entire 11 month affair.

Yesterday, while going through a book on exercises for people who experienced infidelity, she admitted to me she fell out of love with me in February 2021. Which means there was a whole year and a half I was in the dark completely about how bad things were (didn't even realize we were off until July 2022). We still are not at the point where we can say I love you to each other and mean it, despite both of us making a lot of efforts to repair things over the last 3 weeks.

Right now I am really over thinking or hearing about the details affair. It was good and bad to know everything I wanted. Good because I no longer am on the emotional rollercoaster. However, the feelings that are still lingering include sadness (that the person I loved more than anyone gave up on me and cheating on me), low self-worth, PTSD triggers and overall depression.

Also I think I fucked up a little admitting yesterday that my low-self worth was so bad that I am fighting all the time not to download a dating app and find anyone who will make me feel special, even for a little bit. Because she looked me in the eye, got teary, and said "Please don't do that. Just give me a chance..."

I'm still working out and doing hobbies I enjoy, but man every day feels like a battle just to muster up courage to try and work on a better relationship. Throughout the day I just get so drained and I feel like my emotions are spiraling me more and more. I go to bed exhausted and am lucky if I can sleep 5 hours throughout the night.

[This message edited by Tav3n at 8:13 PM, Friday, June 9th]

I am sorry that you are struggling. If what tester said is true then putting off poly was right thing to do. This is truely an awful situation to you and to your baby. I hope her stress, anxiety and other issues doesn't affect the health of your children. Please, take care of your wife. I know it's not an easy task to take care of the person who betrayed you in a worst way. But, you have to do it for the sake of the child. Both of you need to build the stress free environment for your wife's health sake so that baby can have safer delivery and also be healthy. Right now, that should be your priority.

Please, don't do the mistake of having a revenge affair. It's never a good especially when your wife is pregnant. So, please please find other healthy ways to heal yourself or distract yourself.

If she had fallen out love then how can you believe her when she says she still loves you?? Where and why did this love remerge in her for you? So, don't trust her words. They mean nothing. Actions are important. But, right now, she is not your priority. It's your baby. Baby needs healthy environment to come out safely. Focus on that. You can deal with your wife after delivery at an appropriate time.

It will take more 3 weeks (probably a year or more) to rekindle those romantic feelings. Dont expect her to do 180 in few weeks or months.

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 8:36 PM, Friday, June 9th]

Sorry I am not good with replying on this yet so I will do my best to answer in a readable way

If she had fallen out love then how can you believe her when she says she still loves you??

- She stopped saying this week that she loves me. She said she likes who I am more and more every day. But the love isn't there yet, we both admit it. I think she said I love you the first 2 weeks out of guilt. And I was saying I love you more out of my feeling from our previous relationship. But neither of us say that now.

Where and why did this love remerge in her for you? So, don't trust her words. They mean nothing. Actions are important.

- Again she doesn't say that. She says stuff like I care about you, thank you for giving me another chance and you are special to me. But not I love you anymore.

But, right now, she is not your priority. It's your baby. Baby needs healthy environment to come out safely. Focus on that. You can deal with your wife after delivery at an appropriate time.

- Yeah I am really really trying, its just tough man. Especially towards the end of the day. We are going on a date night to Dave and Busters, hoping this helps ease the mood. Its been a tense week.

It will take more 3 weeks (probably a year or more) to rekindle those romantic feelings. Dont expect her to do 180 in few weeks or months.

Yeah I know, we have agreed not to have intercourse until they are back. Makes me feel awful thinking about how much I am going to have to endure over the next few years to get to a good spot in a relationship with someone who cheated on me and currently doesn't love me. But I really think we have a good chance to be better than before if we continue down the path we are, and the baby deserves me trying at least one more time for a chance at having 2 loving parents who are around all the time together.

[This message edited by Tav3n at 9:37 PM, Friday, June 9th]

Also I think I fucked up a little admitting yesterday that my low-self worth was so bad that I am fighting all the time not to download a dating app and find anyone who will make me feel special, even for a little bit.

FWIW, I don't think you fucked up. I think you showed your WW that your integrity is still with you, as you actually voiced it rather than do it.

It indicates to your WW that unlike her, you are transparent and are willing to discuss/vocalize things rather than do something that will have destructive consequences.

Tav

This might sound… well… as if it’s intended to hurt or stupid or even mad… But believe me it’s being posted with the best of intentions:

Have you replaced your addiction to alcohol with an addiction to infidelity/trauma/confrontation?

Look – I am not minimizing her infidelity in any way, and "even" if what you already know is the total truth and nothing really relevant left to reveal then what you have is clearly infidelity with all the warts and boils that it brings along with it. It definitely gives you reason to pause and contemplate if you want this marriage or not.
What it does not give you – IMHO – is the right to remain in misery. To remain in infidelity.

Alcoholism – and alcoholic behavior and generally all addictive behavior – not only impacts the active user, but also those around them. That’s why we don’t only have AA but also Al Anon. I’m guessing your family – you and the wife – are really effed up on a relationship-level. She possibly has little belief in the new sober you and still feels some pent-up tension when you yell out "going to Costco. Anything you need?" because she knows you will walk pass the booze in the store…

Based on what you share then I think the key to YOUR happiness (not her, not the marriage) is your sobriety. In the most serious of ways I encourage you to take that seriously! Not drinking is not enough. If your actions were those of an alcoholic then all not drinking does is make the pause to the next drink a bit longer. MAYBE you are "simply" someone that misused drink. Maybe you can just stop, but IF you were an alcoholic… you need more. I encourage you to look into AA and 12-step work. Even if you realize 36 months from now that you were "only" misusing booze but not an alcoholic and that you can enjoy a beer with your buddies without having another one next night and next night and next night… I am 100% certain that all effort put into AA and 12 step will do you good.

Funny thing is that this in turn could be the best thing you can do for your wife, and the marriage.

PLEASE – Even if you became the poster-boy for recovery it wouldn’t prevent the hard work required on your marriage. All it does is make YOU better capable to manage it. A healthier you – physically and mentally – is a better you. Be it as a husband or as simply you.

I have to say… I find some of your comments about the poly a bit off. Who wrote the questions? How did you know the questions the operator was going to ask? Not doubting you and the comments about your wifes pregnancy are spot-on, but I wonder about the operators proficiency.

Appreciate the feedback guys. Love to respond

It indicates to your WW that unlike her, you are transparent and are willing to discuss/vocalize things rather than do something that will have destructive consequences.

That definitely is a good way to look at it, but my wife has anxiety issues and naturally goes towards the darkest outcome when I tell her something. So I still think it was a mistake...

Have you replaced your addiction to alcohol with an addiction to infidelity/trauma/confrontation?

Look – I am not minimizing her infidelity in any way, and "even" if what you already know is the total truth and nothing really relevant left to reveal then what you have is clearly infidelity with all the warts and boils that it brings along with it. It definitely gives you reason to pause and contemplate if you want this marriage or not.

What it does not give you – IMHO – is the right to remain in misery. To remain in infidelity.

I don't think so, if anything I replaced it with fitness. I've been burning between 3200-5000 calories a day by exercise more since i stopped drinking. I definitely don't want to remain in misery, which is why I picked up guitar and singing as well over the last few weeks to further my interests outside the marriage.

She knows if she ever cheats again thats it for us, I've been very clear. But honestly all I can do is look at her phone once in awhile (which I do when she leaves it around the house, she told me I can check her phone whenever I want, but Id rather just do it behind the scenes and watch from the corner of my eye when shes on the phone around me. At least that way she won't feel like shit while I am looking). Also I am keeping my gut instinct radar on alert for anything suspicious, but again I haven't found anything to be suspicious of. At the end of the day, I know if she REALLY wants to sneak around theres little I can do to catch her. She's had a lifetime of sneaking around from her parents to go to places, I was never really that type of child.

I definitely do want to give this marriage another shot though, I think we both owe it to ourselves to see if we can be a good couple by putting our best foot forward.

Based on what you share then I think the key to YOUR happiness (not her, not the marriage) is your sobriety. In the most serious of ways I encourage you to take that seriously! Not drinking is not enough. If your actions were those of an alcoholic then all not drinking does is make the pause to the next drink a bit longer. MAYBE you are "simply" someone that misused drink. Maybe you can just stop, but IF you were an alcoholic… you need more. I encourage you to look into AA and 12-step work. Even if you realize 36 months from now that you were "only" misusing booze but not an alcoholic and that you can enjoy a beer with your buddies without having another one next night and next night and next night… I am 100% certain that all effort put into AA and 12 step will do you good.

Yeah I think long term you are right. Im a month sober now, and my body definitely feels better. Mentally Im still really hurt/stressed by the infidelity and my marriage falling apart over the last few years. But I know if I continue therapy and work out my emotions that part will go away and I'll be able to enjoy the benefits of sobriety a lot more. I'm not sure AA and 12 step will really help. I was only getting drunk 3 days a week, and not drinking the other 4. Also I was really reclusive during my heavy drinking years. I didn't really hurt anyone besides my wife, which I am trying to make up for by treating her the way I always should have every day since I became sober.

I really haven't craved alcohol that much since I became sober, only the occasional (it would be nice to have a beer while grilling or with my friends right now).

PLEASE – Even if you became the poster-boy for recovery it wouldn’t prevent the hard work required on your marriage. All it does is make YOU better capable to manage it. A healthier you – physically and mentally – is a better you. Be it as a husband or as simply you.

I have to say… I find some of your comments about the poly a bit off. Who wrote the questions? How did you know the questions the operator was going to ask? Not doubting you and the comments about your wifes pregnancy are spot-on, but I wonder about the operators proficiency.

Appreciate the encouraging words. The poly was just something I came up with based on my biggest doubts I was having at the moment. The operator helped me fine tune it after I sent them here, but again this all really doesnt matter because she can't take the polygraph anyways.

[This message edited by Tav3n at 2:30 PM, Monday, June 12th]

Wanted to post an update as well. I like using this thread as a pseudo journal.

On Thursday I began to move out of the discovery phase (shes still in an emotional rollercoaster) and started to move into the recovery phase. I checked out the book list that is posted on the website and orders a book on how to recover after infidelty and another on excerises for couples to do that experienced infidelity. Both have been helpful, but I think the MC and her plan are going to help us out so far (we see her today).

We finished the first 3 sections of the exercise workbook where we shared our feeling about elements of the A, what lead to the A, and our reactions to DDay. I also read a good idea in the recovery book where we are saying once a week what we need more of and less of from each other. My therapist gave a great idea to hold hands or be close to each other when we share our feelings/moments of the A/moments of what made our marriage bad. Definitely noticed this helps bring a better connection and calm to our conversations. All of these things I feel moved us forward into feeling comfortable around each other and communicate better, but for me I haven't moved any closer to starting to trust my wife or forgive her. Which I feel are the two big steps to healing.

Our wedding anniversary is Friday, the fruit and flowers anniversary, and Ive been trying to do things to make it special. She told me a few years back that she never had guys go out of their way to ask her out or give her nice things like flowers. So I've been getting a few flowers every day from a local florist and making with a note each day as well that either thanks her for the nice things she has done for me or complements her in some way.

We also had a good weekend where we went out Friday on our 2nd date since DDay. It was nice to just sit, talk and play some arcade games to get rid of all of the stress of the week. We followed that up with a trip to the mall on Saturday, which was also nice just walking through the different stores and hold hands.

Despite this I am frequently getting depressed during the moments of enjoyment with her for no reason at all other than just a random thought popping in me head. It is very hard and draining every day to keep a safe and comfortable atmosphere for her and build our marriage, but at the same time be horribly depressed about how unloved I've been over the last few years/the infidelity/and the marriage falling apart.

Ive also been fighing toxic reactions. I know a lot of how I want to respond to all of this is rooted in my disorganized attachments (push her away, build up walls, find reasons to not be around) But I've been trying to be mindful when those thoughts come and turn away from them.

She's going away next week as well on a mother/daughter trip for 4 days, and then seeing her family for 3 more days (I put this in the Recovery forum). 2 weekends ago my wife left to host a baby shower for her best friend, and was only gone 3 1/2 days. It wound up being a disaster for our R as I told the OW that her husband was cheating on her and it caused my wife flip out and want me to immediately block the OW (which was suspicious, but the more I think about it/look at evidence the more I believe my wife just wanted to sweep away the AP and OW out of our lives ASAP).

Also my wife eventually revealed that she lied about the timeline of the infidelity. Which took from Sunday-Wednesday last week for me to get all the details I wanted.

So I approached her about all of this yesterday, and the best compromise we could come up with is I fly down to see her for the 3 days she is with her family to reveal to them that we are expecting a baby. I'm still going to be very anxious when I am not around her next week, but at least I only have to deal with it for 4 days instead of 7. I guess that is the best case scenario for her to not piss off her family and not put our recovery process back as much as it might have been if I didn't see her the entire week.

safe and comfortable atmosphere for her and build our marriage, but at the same time be horribly depressed about how unloved I've been over the last few years/the infidelity/and the marriage falling apart.

Those thoughts aren't "for no reason at all." You're one month from dday. You've taken her on 2 dates,and you're making her feel like a queen the week of your anniversary.

You're doing a pick me dance,and rugsweeping a lot of your feelings, because you want her to feel special, as if you think that will mean she won't cheat again.

You're ignoring your pain. It will eventually catch up with you.

It takes 3 to 5 years to heal. Reconciliation is a marathon, not a sprint.

We finished the first 3 sections of the exercise workbook where we shared our feeling about elements of the A, what lead to the A, and our reactions to DDay. I also read a good idea in the recovery book where we are saying once a week what we need more of and less of from each other. My therapist gave a great idea to hold hands or be close to each other when we share our feelings/moments of the A/moments of what made our marriage bad. Definitely noticed this helps bring a better connection and calm to our conversations. All of these things I feel moved us forward into feeling comfortable around each other and communicate better, but for me I haven't moved any closer to starting to trust my wife or forgive her. Which I feel are the two big steps to healing.

This sounds really great efforts by you both to begin to help heal each other and the marriage. Trusting and forgiving will take a while, sometimes they happen imperceptibly over a long period of re-connecting with yourself and with each other, rather than be actual steps you mark. It’s a process, try and trust it (the process), at least, and where you can, enjoy it and the journey, instead of worrying about the destinations per se. Frustrations at how long this will take can be roadblocks if you focus on them. You are both in recovery from the effects of infidelity and addiction, there is no quick fix.

Those thoughts aren't "for no reason at all." You're one month from dday. You've taken her on 2 dates,and you're making her feel like a queen the week of your anniversary.

You're doing a pick me dance,and rugsweeping a lot of your feelings, because you want her to feel special, as if you think that will mean she won't cheat again.

You're ignoring your pain. It will eventually catch up with you.

It takes 3 to 5 years to heal. Reconciliation is a marathon, not a sprint.

I think there are some wrong assumptions in your message here. She is very aware of my feelings as I have expressed them often. Shes also acknowledged my feeling in our exercises. The reason I am making her feel special is to help show I can be a good husband and not ignore her needs. Also I want her to feel comfortable because stress is really bad for the baby.

This sounds really great efforts by you both to begin to help heal each other and the marriage. Trusting and forgiving will take a while, sometimes they happen imperceptibly over a long period of re-connecting with yourself and with each other, rather than be actual steps you mark. It’s a process, try and trust it (the process), at least, and where you can, enjoy it and the journey, instead of worrying about the destinations per se. Frustrations at how long this will take can be roadblocks if you focus on them. You are both in recovery from the effects of infidelity and addiction, there is no quick fix.

Most difficult process ever (at least a top 10 that can exist on earth). Appreciate the motivational words!

How did your WW find out that you had told the OW? If you didn’t tell her, then she’s still in contact with him. Also, I don’t think her flipping out is necessarily about wanting to sweep the AP and OW out of you’re lives. Gently, this looks a lot like her wanting to the protect the AP and maybe even shows she still has some feelings for him. After all, she was still lying to you after discovery and you thought she had given you all the info you asked for, If I were you, I’d pursue this a little.

How did your WW find out that you had told the OW? If you didn’t tell her, then she’s still in contact with him.

I told her right before I sent it (like literally a minute before). I had to tow the line because I told her we need to be honest with each other moving forward, and so I didn't want to break my word on that. But also I didn't want to give her time to contact the AP because I wasn't 100% sure if she was still keeping her NC vow.

Was a good thing I did, because the OW contacted my wife (not me) an hour later and said to stay away from her husband/family. At first I didn't think the OW reached out to my wife, because my wife immediately blocked her without showing me the message and I was never contacted back. But I saw the timestamp of when my wife blocked the OW on her instagram, and it was the same time frame my wife initially told me the OW reached out to her. I also saw the APs main account has been blocked since DDay.

Also, I don’t think her flipping out is necessarily about wanting to sweep the AP and OW out of you’re lives. Gently, this looks a lot like her wanting to the protect the AP and maybe even shows she still has some feelings for him. After all, she was still lying to you after discovery and you thought she had given you all the info you asked for, If I were you, I’d pursue this a little.

So you are right and not right about that.

You are right in that when my wife got back from her friends, and after I got the correct (at least I am very confident its correct based on remaining photos discovered in her phone) A timeline, she admitted she still has lingering feeling for him... and a part of her wishes she could talk to him even though she knows its not something she should do. However, I used the A timeline my wife gave, and sent her articles on how predators groom vulnerable women online to get sexual acts in return, and he followed a lot of the same patterns they do. Which she has slowly started to see the correlation of over the last week. So I feel like, at the very least, those lingering feelings are less strong now vs last week.

However, you are not right in that my wife has very strong avoidant attachment issues in stressful situations. Ive seen a lot of patterns of it in the past with family and friends. So sweeping it under the rug is not an uncharacteristic reaction for her.

[This message edited by Tav3n at 8:34 PM, Monday, June 12th]

Gently now...

From what you have posted so far, it looks like you are still walking on eggshells around your WW. It seems that you are doing a lot to help her; calming her nerves, to alleviate her anxiety, etc, whilst ignoring/damping down your own needs. You want to be the hero/white knight to save the damsel in distress. You still put her on a pedestal.

This is still a Pick-Me dance you are doing. Maybe the shuffle version, but it is still part of that dance.

This does not mean you ignore your WWs mental health, but what is SHE doing to make you feel safe? Putting out her phone for you to check anytime you want is a 'given', like being open with all your different means of communications. It is like every mathematician must need to know how to count. It is a basic requirement.

All you have shown her is that you are desperate to R, and seem to be willing to bend over backwards to accommodate her. What has she 'lost' apart from her AP? Are there any consequences she has had to face? What is she contributing to the R process?

Look at it this way, WS need to EARN a CHANCE at R. The chance at R also does not mean that the M will recover, it just means that an attempt at R will happen, but before that, the WS must prove to the BS that they are worthy of that gift.

I mean there is still the risk she loses me. I told her last week I'm still 50/50 during our MC session, but I'm giving my best effort to R.

It may seem like pedastle behavior to you all, but I essentially withdrew from her off and on for 3 years, and also yelled at her often when I was frustrated. So really I'm just showing her I can be supportive and be the rock for her emotional needs, because I really wasn't consistent in either of those 2 things after we got married.

[This message edited by Tav3n at 3:51 AM, Tuesday, June 13th]