SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’ve been married to my husband for 12 years, known him for 14 and just recently found out he has been cheating on me for at least 7-8 of them.

I found out the day after Mother’s Day. He planned a nice weekend for me for Mother Day but it was all a ploy to hide the crazy stuff he was doing. Having sex with multiple people. It wasn’t his first time neither. He spent all of our credit cards on web chats and online groups getting sexual favors from women.

I thought my husband knew better and had more respect and love for me than to do something like this. I feel like I’m in an alternate universe and want to wake up from this horrible nightmare but this is my life now. I don’t know where to go from here and how to even begin to forgive him. I feel like my whole marriage has been a facade.

I feel like my whole marriage has been a facade.

Similar situation. Sorry you are here. I can only say take it one day at a time. Don’t take any decisions now, mainly focus on your mental health . I hope you have a good therapist. Once you feel a little bit better think about your options. Reach out to atleast one or two friends. Build your support group.

How’s your husband acting? Remorseful ? He could be a sex addict. If you are staying, he needs a good therapist for SA. Take care and keep posting updates. Everyone’s situation is different, but people here can provide some solutions based on their experiences. More power and peace to you! Take care.

HI, welcome to SI. So sorry you are now a member of the best club no one wants to join.

Gently, your husband is a serial cheater. He has deep, deep, issues that you cannot fix.

Are you in IC? Have you been tested for STDS? How did you find out?

Not only has your husband cheated emotionally and physically, he has cheated financially using your money for sex/online chats, or whatever else he's been doing.

He's cheated at least half of your relationship, are you sure you want to reconcile with him? People who cheat as much as he has rarely if ever stop cheating. How can you be certain it's only 7 or 8 years? Cheaters lie and lie and lie, all of them.

Please take care of yourself as best as you can, if you are having difficulty coping, ask your doctor for some temporary medications at minimum to help you sleep.

Sending a huge virtual hug....

[This message edited by annb at 1:30 PM, Friday, June 9th]

Bumping....How are you today, Coco? Weekends are a bit slow. Others will be here to support you.

I’m brand new to this website so I feel very green giving a response, but since we are all part of this club I did want to chime in and send you virtual hugs.

Your post doesn’t mention if your husband knows that you know. What is the situation? Is he aware? Also what is your personal situation like?—are you financially dependent upon your husband, you said he spent all of your credit cards on sexual encounters, are you and your kids currently safe and secure?

The beginning is blinding pain, the betrayal guts you like no other loss and alters your perception of reality. People will advise you to hydrate and eat and they are right. The despair and trauma of this will sap your energy and weaken your body. Take care of yourself and your children and breathe. If you are safe and they are safe then give yourself time to breathe and find your mental footing.

So sorry you had to find us. First, I want to recommend the pinned posts at the top of the forum and the Healing Library. Both have a lot of great information.

Infidelity is the worst pain I've ever been through. It's awful when somebody robs you of your agency. Your M has been somewhat of a decade as your WH didn't give you the information you needed to make decisions about your life choices. Also, if he's been having sex with others, he's putting your life in danger.

Please both of you get tested for STDs.

What is he doing to become a safe partner? It's suggested he read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's short and provides a blue print for him.

I'm trying to figure out how to reply to one post at a time but I haven't figured it out yet so I will just reply to everyone on one post.

@Abalone123 my husband is acting very remorseful and ashamed. He wants to save the marriage but I am not sure it can be saved with all the damage that has been done. I feel like he has to be an entirely different person for me to even consider giving myself to him again. The person I thought I knew stabbed be in the back like it was nothing.

@annb is IC mean "in counseling?" If so then yes I am. We were going to marriage counseling even while he was doing the infidelity I just didn't know about it. I caught him in a lie and he had no choice but to confess all his dirty secrets. I don't know if I want to stay or leave. We have 2 young boys on the autism spectrum and I'd rather die than to see them suffer because of this.

@SadCookieMonster I caught him in a lie which forced him to confess everything. I wouldn't say I am financially dependent on him. We both have jobs but we share one account. I handle all the financial matters except for the credit cards that were in his possession. I never thought I had a reason to check his spending with the card or check statements which is why again this all takes me completely by surprise. My family is safe. We try not to let the boys see or hear any arguments.

@leafields where can I find the cheat sheet for all the abbreviations I see everybody using? I will take a look in the library.

Thank you all for your support. I really need it

IC = individual counseling. In the Healing Library, there is an icon called Abbreviations and the list is there.

I doubt he's remorseful yet and is still in the sorry he got caught phase. What is he doing to become a safe partner? He's a serial cheater, and it takes a lot of internal work to change and many aren't capable of doing the work. There are some that can, but they're few and far between.

For now, take care of you. Be sure to eat and stay hydrated. Protein shakes if you have trouble eating. If you need medication, see your doctor.

I wish I thought he was redeemable but I just don’t. He does not feel remorse. He feels scared he is going to lose his comfy life with you. Consider yourself a well worn sofa. That is about as deep as his love for you goes.
I hate reading about these people who don’t stop to look at who they are hurting. You deserve so much more than this. You have value in this world. You need EMDR to find out who, in your childhood, made you feel worthless. You are so unique that there has never been another you. You have worth. Go find it.

@leafields He is making sure to stay off at. home. He took off passwords on all technology. I’m in charge of credit cards now. I track him wherever he goes.

I really hope he is remorseful but what can I believe. I don’t know this person anymore who I thought was my confidant, best friend and partner.