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Let me preface this with my WS (35F) seems to desperately want R and, while I'm deeply hurt by her actions, I think that's what I want as well due to a number of factors.

DDay was almost 6 months ago and the first three months were truly awful and quite easily the worst period of my life.

It felt like we were making progress recently and had turned a corner a little bit over the last month.

After some more recent conversations, I learned that there was another instance of PA between the 2 instances that I knew about with the same AP (34F).

The first two instances happened outside our home but the new discovery actually happened at our home (although we've since moved).

Obviously, this discovery has hurt and has been a significant setback for us and has resurfaced a lot for me that I hoped we had moved past.

All that said, part of me wants to know some details (like did it happen in our bed) but I'm afraid that going down that path will do more damage than good.

As so many of us here unfortunately know, this isn't an easy decision/situation and one that I'm taking one day at a time but need some advice/insight on if knowing details was helpful or hurtful for the R and healing process?

The other piece I struggle with is that since we had started doing better, how much does this even change? Or how much should this discovery impact R?

I'm not looking for "leave her and start a new life" but my heads spinning a little bit here and I'm struggling to process.

Welcome to SI,

R is a tough road with a lot of heavy lifting. It starts will full disclosure, you cannot proceed if she is still holding secrets.
You must get a full and accurate timeline, including all the sexual details you want to know.

The other piece I struggle with is that since we had started doing better, how much does this even change? Or how much should this discovery impact R?

This is Dday 2, by way of TT, you have been in false R, she has set you back to day 1. Do not rug sweep this, take control of the terms of R. She needs come clean and give you the space and time to process it. Someone told me early on, the details don't age well. It was very good advice because the shock wears off and anger sets in you will question, why R? You will have to process the injustice of it all and the more lies she trickles out are worst than the original A. I describe false R as her removing the knife from your back, showing it to you and plunging into your heart. It's the worst.

Everything Tanner said.

The other piece I struggle with is that since we had started doing better, how much does this even change? Or how much should this discovery impact R?

You weren't "doing better." She was lying to you. She's had 6 months to come completely clean with you, and she chose to keep you in the dark and keep you huffing that hopium.

How much will all the things you still don't know impact R?

If you try to reconcile after DDay 2, don't be too surprised when DDays 3, 4, and 5 show up (there is ALWAYS more!) And, like Tanner says, the clock on recovery has been set back to 0... too early to make a decision about reconciliation at all. You can't reconcile when you don't even know what happened.

All that said, part of me wants to know some details (like did it happen in our bed) but I'm afraid that going down that path will do more damage than good.

If you found out that they did have sex in your bed, would that change the calculus? That question is in your head... I highly doubt you'll just be able to stuff that down forever - you're going to need to know.

If you really want to reconcile, you need the things everyone always recommends here: written timeline and a polygraph.

So sorry you had to find us. If too haven't already checked, the Healing Library has a lot of great information, including a list of acronyms we use. There are also some pinned posts at the top of the JFO (Just Found Out) forum that you might find helpful.

One book that is recommended is How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's a short read and provides a blue print your WW (wayward wife) can use. You can read it, too. You'll find it resonates with your feelings.

Cheaters lie a lot and then they lie some more. This resets the recovery clock back to zero. Unfortunately, the timeline for healing is 2-5 years, then healing for the marriage can begin.

I was married over 30 years and sooooo much wanted my life to go back to what it was. Until I thought about what I really wanted in my M. My XWH had treated me so poorly for so long that I realized I didn't want that M any more. He failed to make any significant changes to be a safe partner and there was another deal-breaker that I stood by my boundary and we divorced. It isn't the end of the world. It just took me 18 months to get there.

Think real hard...What do you want from a life partner and is your WW able to change to be that person?

I second leafields recommendation for both of you to read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. Your WW needs to understand that even though the truth can be scary for her to share and painful for you to hear, being honest with each other is the only way to begin to rebuild true intimacy and trust. Trickle-truthing you is a trust-killer. If she really wants R, then she needs to suck it up, be authentic, and lay it all out there. Like Tanner said, a written timeline is a good start.

Our MC told my H to answer every question fully and honestly, and he told me, "Make sure you really want the answer before you ask the question." Some people (like me) want all the nitty gritty details, and some people would rather not know the minutiae. I will say that having all the little details means that there are more opportunities to trigger, but I couldn't stomach the thought of there being anything between my H and the AP that I didn't know. I didn't want to feel like they had any secrets between them, which is why I grilled my H about everything.

I had a quick look though your previous posts, and it looks like your WW has not given you a written timeline of her A.

It also seems that you are compromising your own values/boundaries:

I had told myself that any PA would cause me to leave but we have kids so I'm willing to fight my urge to cut and run.

This usually causes internal strife, as you are battling with yourself.

IC for both of you also does not seem to be mentioned.

What has she done to show you that she is committed? Given up drinking? Total and utter transparency of her modes of communications? Being accountable for everything she does? Radical honesty?

If she has not done anything to help her become a safer person, your M will die a death of a thousand cuts.

I’m sorry you had to find out about additional betrayals. That basically means all the progress you may have made is eradicated. Undone. Zero trust. More pain and hurt. New pain and hurt.

It’s not the affair that kills the marriage. It’s the behavior by the cheater after the affair is revealed that kills the relationship/marriage.

I’m hoping you can get the answers you need to heal.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:32 AM, Thursday, June 15th]

BrokenInBow,

From your earlier posts it sounds like your life and OW and OWH and children are still intertwined?

If that is still true you are going to be constantly triggered and feel trapped in a cage with your tormentors.

You may need to move since OWH approves of what his WW did and you are outnumbered 3 cheaters to 1 cheatee.

For the sake of your long term sanity get her to write a timeline and have her take a polygraph.

She should get tested for STDs you as well.

Prepare yourself for much more truth to come out when she stops her omission and minimization and lies.

I asked my WH every single tiny detail of the affair purely because the not knowing ate away at me! Some days I literally could not keep the questions in my head any longer as it felt like I'd explode. However, did the answers help me heal or move forward? No they did not. Did they help me keep my sanity? Yes they did. You won't gain anything from knowing whether they had sex in your bed, and to be honest I've sadly learnt to assume you'll get the worst answer you imagine, because it's usually the case, but if you feel you'll always wonder, then you should 100% ask all the detailed questions you need. You deserve this at the very least! I had false R for nearly 6 months until the full truth came out, and even then you still usually get trickle truth for more months... I'm 13 months out and unfortunately the only way I managed to get the 100% truth was by doing the 180, moving my husband into the spare bedroom and telling him we were done. Some people need to feel they literally have nothing left to lose before they truly reach the point of full honesty.

Hugs to you x