SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just read your posts, in this thread,again.

You found he is looking for apartments,in his internet history. Was there anything about how to heal from infidelity in his history?

Another thing that struck me. He's facing allegations. It behooves him to look like a family man,with his wife's support. Maybe he's only staying in the marriage because of how it will look if you leave. He's not acting like a man who feels really bad,and wants to help his wife.

What work did he do the first time around, to repair the damage?

Update of the day: my question has been answered.

He told me this morning that he doesn’t see our marriage recovering, doesn’t want to try because he can’t see it working, and doesn’t want to spend years being unhappy trying to make it work and further disappointing me. That he has decided to end it because he thinks it is best for himself, for me, and for our children. That maybe he can’t change, and he doesn’t know. That he doesn’t know why he cheated and doesn’t know if he will cheat again. That he has caused too much damage and doesn’t want to cause more.

I told him I respected his decision, that I felt sorry for him because he was showing how he continued to find an easy way out, and that I thought he was pathetic for burning down our family and then walking away from it because it was too hard to confront what he did or try to make amends.

He meets with his attorney early in the week and I told him to go ahead and get an estimate and then have him structure the documents, my attorney would review, and we’d file immediately. And that we’d schedule an emergency custody hearing and put a separation agreement in place because once I am legally able to leave the state I will.

I am now turning my focus to finalizing where to move, looking at rentals, and starting to pack. My intent is to relocate by the end of summer if I am able to so the kids can get settled before the school year begins. I will have to figure out how to get approved to rent without income as most important is to settle in a home, get child care set up, and then look for work. I can let my savings dwindle and use that plus the spousal support/child support he will pay before the divorce is finalized to cover expenses until I have FT work. He is going to research moving companies for a cross country move of my possessions. He will drive my car across the country while I fly with the kids and pet when the kids and I move.

I will stop posting here and turn to the divorce forum. I don’t want to muddy the waters for anyone trying to reconcile. I am sorry I wont be a success story here. I wish each of you luck in your journey to happier marriages. Thanks.

Fold,
I am sorry it has come to this. My XWS also didn’t have the courage to face what he had done. It’s mind boggling to me.
But there is a something good in knowing sooner rather than later and moving forward sooner. Doesn’t make it hurt less, but at least the pain is not drawn out further.

The folks in S/D will be there for you.

Be proud of yourself for showing strength in the storm and putting yourself and your kids first. He has chosen his path.
You are doing great.

I'm so sorry, Fold.

A thought on timing your relo. If you move so your kids start school at the end of the Summer, the kids might not notice them. The old kids will more likely be happy to see their old school friends.

When we relo'ed (a long time ago, to be sure), we followed the then current reco to move in the middle of the year. Our then 9 year old son was the only new kid in his class, and he got a lot of attention from the kids. He made a few friends before Summer. That approach still makes sense to me. I know it's difficult to pull it off with D starting at the Summer Solstice.

*****
To lurkers, and to you if you find yourself in another relationship.

I never cared about my W becoming a safe partner. She had been a safe partner and ended up cheating.

The feeling of safety comes from within you. My safety comes from knowing I'll be OK if my W betrays me again. Besides, expecting her to make me feel safe smacks of demanding external validation - which rarely works the way one wants it to. Remember: your H probably cheated in part to get external validation.

*****

I'm sorry your H is unwilling to do the work necessary to change from cheater to good partner. He would be the primary beneficiary of doing that work. I'm sorry he made the choice he 's made.

I just wanted to say that I think you are absolutely amazing. You have been through something that would bring most people to their knees. I am sure you have been on them…but you have proven to be one of the most resilient people I have witnessed on this forum or in real life. In incredibly short order you have sorted your marital affairs, come up with a viable plan for your kids and begun to arrange a cross country move.

At the same point when most people would be wallowing—I certainly was— you have stood up to your husband, demanded a response and begun the arrangements to divorce. Everyone here has been through infidelity, but you had to face this whole public scrutiny aspect as well.

Whenever you describe your process, you are incredibly detail oriented and specific. I had to smile when you included your pet’s travel arrangements. You are a great planner. Honestly, an employer would be a fool to not hire you in a heartbeat. I think you will be very successful in whatever you choose to do.

You held out hope that your spouse might rally to the task of keeping your family together. I hope you are proud of that. It means you kept your vulnerability, which is easy to lose in this sort of situation. He wasn’t good enough for you and ultimately I think it is a huge blessing that you aren’t wasting your time on R with him.

You may well be in survival mode and a lot of stuff may hit you later. If you find yourself with PTSD symptoms down the road The Body Keeps The Score is a great book to listen to/read to help you understand and heal. You are already experiencing trauma symptoms, it is just too soon to call them "post-traumatic".