SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I chose to D because the very best, and I mean very best version of my WW was no longer good enough to stay with. She would have had to completely reinvent herself and rebuild from the ground up. I knew she just did not possess the strength of character to do the work.

Now, had I had a WS who was remorseful, compassionate, humble, and introspective enough to do thecteal work of R, then my M could have been saved and I would be in a much better spot, financially. But, and there is the big but you mentioned, it would always be unfair. Some people can let that go, some can't. I, unfortunately could not.

Some posters here say that there are two camps, those that say R is possible, and those that take the opposite position. I think that is inaccurate. I think that R is possible, but that having a truly good M after infidelity is rare, at least for the BS. Yes, the WS has been rescued and found redemption, but the BS has been perminantly wounded. Some can live with the wound better than others. I would guess much of that depends on you and also your WW's ability to do the work.

Hope you find your way.

Now I have to do a TON of heavy lifting to work through a problem I didn’t create and ultimately at the end of the day, she’s going to be rewarded with an even better husband. Reconciliation really is the ultimate have your cake and eat it too. Has anyone fought through the resentments that build?

This is 100% the truth. Now some people will tell you life isn't fair, but they also are lying to themselves because actions have consequences and the WS should be divorced. Forgiveness is the illogical action of someone who loves their partner even when that partner doesn't love them to even close to the same amount.
I heard someone argue this was a bad idea, but it helped me because it forced my wife to on paper see how much she would have to do to get close to showing me the love I deserved. It was when she was in the, "I wasn't feeling loved." portion of our counseling. This was right before she broke down and accepted she was the problem and she needed to fix herself. She was so used to me fixing her she resented me when I was more focused on the kids for a stretch while she turned 40.
So, my counselor said how much more does my wife love me than her AP. She said 100 times more. She first said infinity and he told her to use real numbers. He had asked about a week before that my wife write out how many texts, how many BJs, how much sex, and how many compliments she gave her AP during the affair. Then he took that list, set it to a monthly schedule and told my wife she can show me, by doing 10 times the most heated month on the list for the next month. She made it a month, then he asked why she seemed like she wanted to stop. She said she was tired. He said she put more effort into the affair than our marriage. She needed to at least meet that month every month of our marriage or she is loving the AP more than me. She looked just shocked. She started to cry and has tried since to keep up the intensity in our marriage to at least the same level as she was in the affair.
So, I get a better wife out of the deal as well. She gets a better marriage too. One where she doesn't get to relax on me doing all the hard work. If I start to resent her even a little, I mention it and she starts ramping up showing me I am loved. She cares about my feelings more than she ever did in the past. She is a better wife than when I first married her. My wife is a rather selfish person when regarding me, but that has changed a ton.
Do I still resent her cheating. Yes. Do I still get mad at her sometimes for hurting me and making me distrust like I do now. Yes. Do I even resent her requiring me to tell her that she is pissing me off because I had to learn to read her moods and fix them through out our marriage. Yes. Do I resent that I feel weak because I didn't divorce her and stand up for myself. Shouldering raising the kids and working because I know I would have been rather solo doing that. Yes.
I still have some resentment. You need to find your exact resentment and write it down with all the others. Then you can't repeat them. Then ask your wife to come up with how she is going to compensate those resentments you have to hold the rest of your marriage. That list of times 10 was her start because she used to say it was too much and she didn't know where to start.
Cheaters are lazy. They look for the affair instead of fix their marriage. They always are the person carrying less in the marriage. So she has a list of the hard work that she made and why she is doing it, so will she do it. Just a good exercise that helped us.

DoinBettr

I'm jealous of how useful your counselor was

Mine?

It is been enormously helpful reading this thread and hearing all describe the necessary characteristics for a healthy R.

I have been going through something similar. The circumstances are different. I had a health issue and I think my WW lost respect for me as I dealt with this (an incurable disease that caused profound hearing loss). My WW did not cross the ultimate boundary. But she showed disloyalty, disrespect and no real remorse since DD. I got stuck trying to reconcile this conflict.

What helped me was IC. It helped me clarify what I expected and wanted and made me see that staying in a M without real R is not the answer. I had to unlock and address a childhood trauma to get to this point as I have a tendency to remain "green" for far too long and tolerate what I should not tolerate within the ultimate boundary. I cannot stress enough the importance and value of you getting good IC if you feel you need it. I went though 3. The advice some gave me here helped me find what I needed (trauma informed therapy) and is something I will always be so grateful for. You have the very best people here.

So sorry this has happened to you. Hoping your health improves. Wishing you the best as you navigate through this.

Just updating my journey. My wayward wife and I were on vacation and it ended with celebrating her parents 50th wedding anniversary which was a very dark day for me. I made the mistake of using alcohol as a way to numb my feelings and ended up getting extremely drunk at the end of the day I really lashed out. I’m not that disappointed in what I said only in my use of alcohol. The following few days were very dark for me and I realized I can’t use drugs or alcohol as a way to escape. Fortunately, we had a big breakthrough in marriage counseling and individual counseling where I am able to focus more in the now instead of focusing on the affair time.

We had a few really good days, but unfortunately I am traveling for work again which makes it very difficult because her affair happened when I used to travel a lot for work but overall I feel a lot more in control of my mindset and emotions. Our reconciliation continues to go well. When I hit the two month point, I will probably set another 2 to 4 months to continue this path. I know I still have a tremendous amount of anger and resentment inside. I also know I am not at a point where I am willing to forgive some key heinous moments in the affair. There is still a lot of work to go through.

Does she understand that it will be up to her to prove to you that she can be trusted when you are out of town?
I mean she would be a pretty awful person to do something the first post Dday trip, the real proof is when you are on a trip in the summer of 2024

I also know I am not at a point where I am willing to forgive some key heinous moments in the affair. There is still a lot of work to go through.

You may never be at the point to forget the worst, maybe accept it but not forget it.
Is she at the point where she understands how much of the R is up to her?

Thanks Mickey, she does understand and is very proactive in communication etc.

It’sa trigger for me. Then I start getting into a funk and start questioning if I want R. The thought of my kids always pulls me back though.

Hi AHH,

How have you been going in dealing with the roller coaster of emotions?

I can appreciate that there are challenging moments due to the feelings of "anger and resentment", and then the reminder of your kids and your commitment to your marriage.
Do you have an update for us?
We are here to support and encourage you,
Regards, FAWH.

Hi FAWH,

I’m struggling with inferiority, among other things but this one has hit me recently. I feel like I have no empowerment. They’re a part of me that wants to punish my WW and her AP. You know, make them feel what I feel, the helplessness and the powerlessness.

I see 3 paths in front of me. 2 would allow me to feel strong, at least in the moment and one seems to have me feeling weak often. I can regain my power by ending it with my WW, which seems like the easier solution overall but with by far the worst ramifications for the family. The next easiest solution is to make them pay but continuing R, but that seems pointless and impossible and what would that say about me and do to me inside. I know the best solution is to try to keep fighting through this, but it’s so hard. It wears me out. It makes me feel weak and emasculated.

So that’s me most days, fighting through that and many other struggles inside my head.

So my wife has been amazing through this. She has been supportive, patient with my outbursts, communicative, and very sexual.

But I am still struggling. There are times and days that I love her and feel the relationship how it should be. There are other times that I just wanna end it because I don’t think I can get past a few of the issues. The sad part is, I actually don’t want to disappoint her, explain that one. I am struggling a lot with the whole thing and have no idea what to do. I know I still love her, but I don’t know if that’s enough.

People who have worked through reconciliation, did you deal with this and if you did how did you get through the negative times? The hard part is that I know the part of me that wants to end it is legitimate.

Hi HH,

I recall the emotional Roller Coaster well. It is hard.
Please remember that you are still in the early stage of dealing with her infidelity.
I recall your comment in your first post

My plan is to not jump to any decisions, go to couples and single counseling and see where I end up.

It was a wise reflection.
Please continue to give yourself time to continue processing this situation.
In the end some of us reconcile, and others choose to divorce, but we all seek to get out of infidelity.

As you have commented many times you have been blessed with a WW who in some respects is trying to help you heal.

my wife has been amazing through this. She has been supportive, patient with my outbursts, communicative, and very sexual.

But you have also noted

My wife tends to be selfish, abrupt in how she speaks at times

Are there ways in which she has addressed this aspect of her character and to rebuild trust, respect and even liking and love?

Sometimes all we can do in this sort of situation is continue along the path and to take the encouragement, support and understanding of other people who have also travelled this road.
Regards,
FAWH.

Thank you FAWH. I needed to hear this. My wife has been reading and going to counseling and has been working on her selfishness and abruptness. She has improved in many ways. I’ve said many times, if not for the affair, she’d be My dream wife, but I don’t know if I can let it go. Loyalty was my number one component to my love. But I will continue to walk forward in this path and see where it takes me.

I feel for you brother as I went through a similar story. For me, I could not get past the overwhelming feeling of injustice…she got away with it and I will forever have a dark cloud following me.

I ended up serving her with divorce and saying we can start from scratch but after I let go I loved the feeling of being free from her and the memory and that the balance in the universe was partially restored and I ended up not looking back. My kids were sad but they respected me for taking care of my self and we are very very strong.

Consider serving her with divorce…heck you can always stop it…but it may be what’s needed to find a feeling peace in a rebuild of self respect. If you don’t, I would completely understand because I took a lot of ping ponging before deciding and almost didn’t.

Let me put a tough challenge for setting your expectations at a reasonable level. I know I wanted my wife to fail on some level after I made the decision to get a divorce, then she doubled down and showed me she had been holding back.
The exercise someone on here gave me was to imagine I was the one who cheated. I got drunk, had a ONS and my wife was in my current shoes.
What would I do to make her trust me again?
What could I say to help her understand this won't happen again?
What would I do when she was mad or shutting me out because she was flooding with emotions?

Then turn those responses around. Has she done those or more? Could you convince yourself to feel better or are there just emotions you have to work through? I had to accept I was being unreasonable in some areas. That I wanted my WW to wave a magic wand and make me feel better. I was still mad and am still mad about it. That never goes away for me. I do forgive, but I have a hard time letting someone hurt me again, so I hold onto the anger I swallowed during reconciliation. Something to deal with in future MC sessions I guess.
I would suggest any newly freaking out angry BS to try to put themselves on the other side of the equation for a bit. Yeah, your WS deserves some fire and brimstone for hurting you. I am a big believer that some punishment needs to exist so both parties feel the WS sacrificed to earn the R. Otherwise the WS might feel they had it too easy and either slip or self punish. The other side is the BS feels the WS got off too easy and the marriage just returned without discomfort. The WS got away unscathed and they build resentment which comes out in other ways. It is why I see any resistance at all to 100% open everything from a WS as zero effort. If I wanted to be trusted I would offer as far as getting a tattoo of my wife's name and all the tracking devices I could buy would fill my pockets.
Good luck and I hope this rambling helps.