SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Found out a few days ago.

5 year marriage, even longer relationship. Wife has left to 'sort herself out' and we will speak in a few weeks, but truth is she has probably gone to test drive AP and see if AP will leave his spouse. I'm angry at what she put me through during the last year while the affair was ongoing. I knew something was wrong when our relationship turned from being a good one where we talked about having children to one where she suddenly started blaming me and our marriage for making her feel lost and unhappy. She started questioning whether we were really compatible. Whether she really wanted to get married in the first place. She stopped being interested in my life or our future. Affection (and sex) completely dwindled. She criticised everything I did. It was making me sick. At one point I remember thinking, 'if I died, I don't think she would care.' I tried everything to make her feel better but she pulled further away. It was so confusing because we had had a good relationship up to that point. We had passion and intensity in the beginning, but over years that had settled into (what I thought was) a content, stable love. We supported eachother.

She confessed, which is better than catching her in the act, I suppose. I did suspect something was going on with her and this man, but when I asked she denied it to my face. I believe she tried to end it with AP after that, but she realised she was in love with him after trying to spend time away from him, and couldn't keep on trying in the marriage. So she confessed, cried a bit, said I deserved better, she needed to sort herself out etc. and then she was gone. No contact since.

And now I'm here.

Sort out divorce papers.
Pack up her stuff
Send it to the OMs place since a married man is having sex with your wife

Maybe they can all co-habitate

Maybe they can all co-habitate

Ha thanks. That made me laugh.

I'm trying to figure out my legal/financial options right now.

We have a house together. This is all so screwed up.

Does the OBS know? If not, then inform her.

Do you have kids?

Have you talked to an attorney?

Have you reached out to IC?

Your wound is fresh. You are in shock. Take your time to process this new reality.

Never ever ever play pick me dance. It never works.

I am sorry you found yourself here.

At the top of this page is The Healing Library. There are many great Articles there which were written by those who traveled your road before you. Above your post is a post entitled Tactical Primer. It was written by SerJR back in 2008. Read it two or three times so you can really absorb this message.

Please try to eat regular meals. Stay hydrated... this is important. There is something called the Betrayed Diet where Betrayeds, like yourself, failed to eat and stay hydrated. They ended up paying the price with their health. Don't let this happen to you.

Exercise as much and as often as possible. This will help to occupy your mind and keep those dark thoughts away.

Avoid alcohol.

You gave very few details, such as ages, etc. I see where you two have property together. Untangling finances can be a tricky situation if you two go the divorce route. You are going to need professional help with all that.

She started questioning whether we were really compatible. Whether she really wanted to get married in the first place. She stopped being interested in my life or our future. Affection (and sex) completely dwindled. She criticised everything I did.

This is straight out of the Cheaters Handbook. Affairs seem to follow a pattern over and over. The reason she acted that way is because she might have been feeling some guilt. By making you out to be the "bad guy" she now can justify to herself why she is entitled to have this affair. We have read over and over Waywards who tell themselves and others that they were "entitled" to have some fun and the affair.

Others will be along to offer you some great advice. Good luck to you.

Thank you for the messages so far. I'm so glad there is this place for me to go.

I know I left out some details. I'm definitely still in a bit of shock.

Age-wise we are both mid-30s.

She has a history of diagnosed mental health conditions (which she was in denial about).

We have no kids but the OBS does. I haven't told OBS. If I'm to go through a divorce, I don't want to antagonise my wife and her lover and make it messy. I know I probably should but there's also a part of me that doesn't want to blow up someone else's life like mine has just been blown up.

I've reached out to an IC and had one session. It helped. Have told friends (mutual ones too) and family (including hers), which also helped.

I'm struggling to understand how she could so easily cast me aside. How she could just give up and move on.

Great point on the eating - I've found I have no appetite so should probably start shovelling in some food.

What was DD-1 in 2016?

What was DD-1 in 2016?

She kissed someone at a club and told me. We had moved past it. Now looking back, we clearly had not. And thinking on it, she probably lied through our whole relationship. Starting to feel pretty stupid.

So sorry you find yourself here, but please inform the other betrayed spouse. She has the right to know she is living a lie AND her health might be at risk and no agency over her own life.

In my situation, the husband of my husband's affair partner found out about the affair. He confronted his wife and my husband. They convinced him it would end. The AP's husband forgot to send me the memo, if he did, so much heartache could have been avoided. I found out several months later about the affair and it had been ongoing despite the confrontation.

Please tell her. You are not blowing up her world, her husband is doing that.

If you have no kids and she has serious boundary issues then divorcing her is the right option. You are still young and you can find better and safer person.

I know you are in shock and scared. So, your mind isn't thinking properly. So, take some time to get your head straight. Meditation, exercising, good sleep, proper diet and plenty water intake is a proper way to start.

OBS's life is already blown up. Her husband and your wife did that. Her house is already burning but she doesn't know it yet. She needs to know so that she can get out of that burning house before its too late. So, you should inform her. You can wait until your divorce proceedings start to protect yourself.

Telling OBS has lots of benefits. It's helpful even for reconciliation.

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 2:26 PM, Friday, June 23rd]

I’m sorry you had to find us but glad you did. Check out the tactical primer pinned above and the healing library. Cheaters have very predictable patterns, we call it "The Cheaters Handbook" she has followed it to a T. I could have written you same opening post. The further my WW detached the harder I worked to get her back and it only drove her further away. This is called the "Pick me Dance" and it never works.

First thing to understand is this isn’t your fault, you are not to blame for any of including "blowing up someone else’s M". It’s consequences and they own every one of them.

Second, take care of yourself, eat, hydrate and exercise. If you can’t eat drink protein shakes. Exercise is very good for your mental heath.

Best wishes to you, stick around there is a lot of experience here.

My story is somewhat similar to yours. My STBXH and I were together 17 years, married 15 and about 6 months ago he confessed to having a year+ long A with a coworker. I was completely blindsided. About 1 month prior to the confession I found a naked picture of him on his phone and he claimed he'd been talking to someone online. He then started telling me he'd been unhappy for a while, first I was hearing of this! I spent the next month doing the pick me dance, but I could feel him pulling further away. After he confessed it was actually an A with a COW, he left/I kicked him out.

It was so confusing because we had had a good relationship up to that point. We had passion and intensity in the beginning, but over years that had settled into (what I thought was) a content, stable love. We supported eachother.

I really relate to this. After I found the picture he said things like he felt like we were best friends and not spouses. I thought that is what is supposed to happen in a marriage, you go from passion in the beginning to stability. It's like all things in life, you give up something to get something. I thought that's how relationships are, you give up passion to gain safety.

She confessed, which is better than catching her in the act, I suppose. I did suspect something was going on with her and this man, but when I asked she denied it to my face.

It was the same for me. I had been suspicious of them at first, but he denied and covered it so effectively I believed there was nothing going on. He even had us become friends, further diverting my suspicion.

Like others, I strongly recommend contacting the OBS. I did and he and I have since become friends. He's been a great support through this. I also echo what others have said, YOU are not blowing up her life, her husband did that. By telling her you are giving her back the agency that was taken away from her. She is currently in a non-consensual, open marriage. She has a right to know that, what she does with it is her business.

We have no kids but the OBS does. I haven't told OBS. If I'm to go through a divorce, I don't want to antagonise my wife and her lover and make it messy. I know I probably should but there's also a part of me that doesn't want to blow up someone else's life like mine has just been blown up.

This is the wrong approach. You've tried for a full yr to nice you wife back, and its just not working. She has left, and she's fence sitting to test drive the AP. Don't take a soft approach here. You are going to go through a divorce, you need to wake up. Its not "if". She has left you and you know it, to convince another man to leave his wife. WHY would you want her back? You have no kids, a shorter term marriage. She's already shown that she's loose on her boundaries from earlier on in your marriage. YOU don't have another option.

I went through what you did, and that approach is going to only make this process longer, you get more hurt, and you are choosing to let someone else live a lie when you know the truth. What it sounds like to me is that you still have some hope of saving your marriage. Let that part of you die. YOur marriage as you know it is over. Maybe she wakes up, but you need a whole new set of rules, boundaries and a wife that's reworked, but as of right now, you need to wake up. She has chosen her path, you need to now make a strong move.

If you don't want to continue to get hurt, go NC and 180. Get your attorney lined up and file immediately and kick her off the fence. Notifying her OBS will also be helpful, b/c the OM may be quick to kick her to the curb. She will not have the AP on her side, in her ears about how to work you in divorce. You are young and have no kids. I don't see any other option for you with a repeat offender.

So sorry Flounder you have found yourself here.

If I'm to go through a divorce, I don't want to antagonise my wife and her lover and make it messy. I know I probably should but there's also a part of me that doesn't want to blow up someone else's life like mine has just been blown up.

"If I’m to go through divorce". Frankly, you ARE going through divorce. It takes two to reconcile and only one of you to divorce. If your WW doesn’t change course, you’re hard on course to divorce. Don’t wait for her to change course. Do not try and deviate her desired course. Do not try and nice her back or use other forms of mild manipulation to get her back. She has to come back fully of her very own self initiated accord. Her return to you and the marriage must be organic, natural, wholehearted and enthusiastic. Anything less will lead you into false R.

So, begin by turning away from her 180 degrees and begin contemplating the next promising chapter of your life. This should include a visit to your attorney’s office to see what divorce looks like. Fortunately you’re young, no kids, only married five years.

I’m a hardliner when it comes to someone actively cheating in my face with total disregard other than some lame platitudes regarding how sorry they are. I don’t subscribe to "Affair Fog" busting tactics. If my WS doesn’t chase me down on my way to the attorney’s office then, bub-byeee.

I agree with you about informing the OBS. If you intend on divorcing, then get it inked and, as soon as possible, inform that poor woman. She has a right to know. Don’t come here blathering about how much it sucks to be betrayed while willfully allowing someone else to be actively deceived, living a lie, wasting precious lifetime, wondering what’s wrong with them as they languish in a fake abusive marriage.

Thanks all for the kind words, advice and tough love.

You're all right. I need to tell the OBS and I am going to initiate divorce.

I'll start prepping for everything over the weekend.

What's strange is that as much as there is pain and heartbreak, there is a part inside of me that is a little bit relieved. I'm starting to consider what my life could be life without someone like her in it, someone who could cause me so much distress and discard me so easily, and that new life is not looking too bad at all. Although, I'm sure there will be ups and downs with my emotions over the next months.

If you want things to end between WW and AP, you should tell the OBS. Telling the OBS is a matter of doing the right thing, but it is not just about doing what is right. It also will give AP a reason to end things with your WW.

Cheaters have very predictable patterns, we call it "The Cheaters Handbook" she has followed it to a T. I could have written you same opening post. The further my WW detached the harder I worked to get her back and it only drove her further away. This is called the "Pick me Dance" and it never works.

That is exactly it. I can't believe how predictable these patterns are. It's crazy.

After I found the picture he said things like he felt like we were best friends and not spouses. I thought that is what is supposed to happen in a marriage, you go from passion in the beginning to stability. It's like all things in life, you give up something to get something. I thought that's how relationships are, you give up passion to gain safety.

Yup. This is something my (soon to be ex) wife said as well. Clearly these types of people have a very different view of love.

I’m a hardliner when it comes to someone actively cheating in my face with total disregard other than some lame platitudes regarding how sorry they are. I don’t subscribe to "Affair Fog" busting tactics. If my WS doesn’t chase me down on my way to the attorney’s office then, bub-byeee.

This made me stop for a second because you put in words so concisely and frankly what she has been doing to me and how she has been treating me. I like this mentality and you're right - I'm out.

I'm starting to consider what my life could be life without someone like her in it

You have to move as fast as possible, go NC with her because when her fantasy comes crashing down, she will try to claw her way back. She will blame you for everything, move forward and make be the best version of you.

Did you have any hobbies that you gave up when you married? Such as, fishing, hunting, etc. Now would be a good time to begin doing them again.

Do you have some friends that you sort of ignored while you were married... instead you were doing things with your wife other than hanging out with your friends? Perhaps you can start by getting back in touch with them.

There is a whole, big world outside of your marriage. Start exploring it.

Again, good luck to you. Continue posting here as we are now your new support system. And, whatever you do please do not ever point this website out to your wife. This is now your safe place.

I'm starting to consider what my life could be life without someone like her in it, someone who could cause me so much distress and discard me so easily, and that new life is not looking too bad at all.

So very true.

Divorce in most regions is a lengthy process, some more or less, but all relatively lengthy, stepped processes with multiple opportunities along the way to slow, pause or cancel the proceedings if your WS comes to her senses, chases you down, and convinces you that she’s worthy of the precious gift of R, that she’s worth the gamble and the sacrifice of precious time and effort.

While she’s distracted in her A fog is a good time to negotiate best terms. She’ll want to get the D over with so they can run off into the sunset. And, as you already said, avoiding unnecessarily antagonizing her will also be to your advantage. Try and play on any pity she has for you, if she has any.

There’s a good chance that after she’s been thrown into the AP’s arms he will get cold feet and dump her. Make sure she doesn’t come back to you as a concession, as if you’re Plan-B. You want to ensure that you’re considered Plan-A of plans A through A. If you do R, make sure you two are building something special, genuine, exclusive and free of whatever predisposing deep personal psychological issues that enables her to cheat.

As others have said, she has been rewriting the history of your marriage to entitle her to cheat and while she’s been cheating she has been insidiously siphoning the life force from your marriage. This is universally common. Knowing that you’re not responsible for any of this is empowering, will protect your dignity and your sanctity and, will help protect you from manipulation.