SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So firstly thank you for all those that responded to my thread about guilt. It helped clear up some bits for me and my partner and I am thankful for that.

Now i am finding myself once more in an incredibly difficult/frustrating position... I've mentioned a few times on other posts that the journey we have come along in terms of recovery hasn't been the best. I trickle truthed, out and out lied and was a total ass at times HOWEVER I did start a new job, cut the AP totally out of my life and have totally changed so much about me. BS though as a result has had to dig the truth from me, something which hasn't been fair on her or our relationship. I accept this and understand this but this now leads to where we are now..

My BS or STBXBS if that's the correct term keeps insisting I am still lying about stuff, stuff which she claims she KNOWS to be lies (as its obvious to her) and therefore once again today claims we are over....I am somewhat in a bind mind, as the things she is asking are not horrific, doesn't change anything, doesn't actually further prove anything other than me being a bit of a moron and therefore gives me no reason to lie and cover up.

For example, she has asked if I met my AP , in a works e time (it was once) that I did, of course you did". Now I know this is my own making, I know I have caused all this but I genuinely feel in a better place than I did a few months ago with regards to my dishonesty. I am still going through CBT, have done some IC done lots of reading about lying, have listened to some hypnotherapy and have been a lot more open and honest with her reference everything going on in my world.

I honestly don't know what more to do, the easy way out ironically is just to lie and say I have done these things she is suggesting as that way I get kudos for being "honest" and it gives her that little bump but I can't bring myself to do that and therefore haven't but the kicker here is that CLEARLY I am lying according to her therefore we just go around in circles. Last week she had drawn out a text and claimed to have messaged the AP, something that I didnt stop her from doing despite the fact she is unhinged.

I guess nothing really matters anyway as she has once again said we are done but my question was...

What would you all do in this postion?? Is there anything that can be done to salvage this ?? Or is it just too far gone .... I cant see there being any fix personally now no matter how supportive or safe I am being.

Just feel a little lost and helpless at the moment and sorry if this comes across all woe is me....I am trying not to be

[This message edited by Tinytim1980 at 10:25 AM, Sunday, February 18th]

I think you've got to stay in your truth or all hope is lost. I think I'd tell my BS that I know that it's terribly difficult to trust that what I'm saying is true because I lied and trickle-truthed in the past, but that I'm not going to lie anymore. It's reasonable for her to not believe you. You can't control that. All you can control is what you do.

Have you written a detailed timeline for your BS? If not, maybe that would help.

Thank you SS,

I have tried to explain it funnily enough in that exact manner but as she has said, it's "what you would say though" or "have said before".

Timeline wouldn't help as she would just look over that with suspicion and not believe it plus being 14 months or so down the line its incredibly difficult to recall exact details now.

Thank you for your response though.

I trickle truthed

Trickle truth is just a pretty way of saying the ws continued to lie. Only,they would spoon out some honesty, bit by bit. Many BS call it Trickle torture.

out and out lied and was a total ass at times HOWEVER I did start a new job, cut the AP totally out of my life and have totally changed so much about me

Respectfully...so what? You lied and you were an ass. Period. You don't get brownie points for quiting a job you knew you would have to eventually quit,because you knew when the affair ended, you would have yo leave that job. And you certainly don't get points for cutting out the AP. Both of these things are the absolute bare minimum.

You've changed a lot about who you are? Maybe. And if so, you do get credit for that.

BS though as a result has had to dig the truth from me,

This is bullshit. You should be coming to her,and asking her to talk about the affair,and what she needs from you. You should be volunteering information.

I accept this and understand this but this now leads to where we are now..

This sentence says a lot. It shows a great lack of remorse, and taking responsibility.

She is questioning everything you say, because you have proven she has to. First, the affair. She has to question everything, over and over,because that's how the brain processes trauma. Add in that you lied a lot after dday,so she can't trust the answers you've given to past questions she's asked.

You are not in this position because she is questioning everything. You're there because you cheated,and when caught lied. And treated her badly. After dday.

She "knows" some of your answers are lies,because you have shown her your answers aren't truthful. How is she supposed to believe you now that you've finally decided to be honest??

Schedule a polygraph with a reputable company.

Write her a complete timeline. It might help HER. And part of YOUR work,is trying to remember has much detail as possible. Look at your calendar, texts,etc. Something to jog your memory.

You say you've been honest for a few months.

How long,exactly, did you lie to her after dday?

Reconciliation is a process that takes years. It will take years for her to really trust you. Years of honest, consistent, remorseful words AND ACTIONS.

Just because you've been a decent man for a few months,doesn't erase her pain or mistrust. And it shouldn't. If it did,she would be rugsweeping, and that would cause her great harm.

You've put her on an emotional roller coaster. If you want true reconciliation, buckle up.

None of this is her fault.

Is she a member here? Suggest she sign up and post. She needs support, and she deserves to know what she is feeling is completely normal.

sorry if this comes across all woe is me..

It does.

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:51 PM, Monday, July 10th]

Evening HF,

"Write her a complete timeline. It might help HER. And part of YOUR work,is trying to remember has much detail as possible. Look at your calendar, texts,etc. Something to jog your memory."

As I say, this i could try however it would be full of blanks and voids and I have suggested this before but as I say ...wouldnt be believed and I would doubt she would even read it..but I guess one could try!!

"How long,exactly, did you lie to her after dday?"

Not every thing said was a lie, yes there were little bits and then when the brown smelly stuff hit the fan i would then divulge alot more inc other things. But in all it's hard to quantify a time the last bit of info to be bought up was around a few months ago maybe longer but not sure.

"Reconciliation is a process that takes years. It will take years for her to really trust you. Years of honest, consistent, remorseful words AND ACTIONS.

Just because you've been a decent man for a few months,doesn't erase her pain or mistrust. And it shouldn't. If it did,she would be rugsweeping, and that would cause her great harm".

Yep fully aware of this, signed up and have accepted this and it's not been easy but my actions bought her here and I want to try and fix this for us both. I cant however undo what has been done, cant change her outlook and cant change her belief that everything is just a lie
....as i say I could say the sky was blue and it would be a lie

"None of this is her fault."

Not overly relevant as I didnt say it was or implied it, never once have I tried to impart any blame on her and never would. She is a good hearted soul who I have destroyed for no other reason than for my own selfish ego!

Is she a member here? Suggest she sign up and post. She needs support, and she deserves to know what she is feeling is completely normal.

She is, signed up by me a long time ago and has posted on here for some help and support.

Anyhow thanks for your input.

Oh and sorry but polygraphs are about as useful as a chocolate teapot.

There is a reason why they are not relied upon over here for law enforcement purposes. Plus as others have suggested on here before, if the subject believes there own account then they clearly will pass.....therefore pointless and wont really hit the mark for her which she is aware of.

But again thanks

Make your actions the primary. Make sure they match your words.

I didn't trust what my FWH said, but I couldn't deny his changed actions. He became more involved.

Remind her that this isn't her fault....over and over again. Remind her of the things about her and your relationship that make this worth moving heaven and earth for you. And, then say it again - because she won't believe you could feel that way AND also have an affair.

Lose any hint of defensiveness with her. Be patient like it is your full time job. Be enormously transparent. Do all these things without guarantee of the outcome.

I'm 4 1/2 years out and still triggered. Be empathetic without trying to fix her. Fix yourself and be present emotionally for her. Grow, change, do better.

TT is harder to recover from than the original A. The WS says "ok you can trust me starting……now". Then you find out more "ok, ok you can trust me………….now". More lies, more abuse.

This is not something to just get over and move on.

Tanner,

This I know, she warned me of this yet my anxiety and fears were too much and it kept me from being able to just come clean about stuff. This combined with the years of being put on a pedestal and then being smashed down and realising I am just scum really made it hard and I was just left feeling "one more truth is going to end us....can't possibly tell her that as she will run a million miles away" I just never gave her truly the credit she deserved in thinking she could handle the truth ...

As i mentioned made many mistakes when trying to recover from all of this

Thank you for your input though guys/girls.

Thanks

Have you read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald? It's a little over 100 pages, but is really a blueprint you can use. Maybe read it with your BS and ask her opinion on what she needs from you.

Her A time clock starts with the last TT/lie. Rebuilding trust takes consistent actions over time. Intimate partner betrayal is one of the worst things that can happen to a person, so it's going to take a lot.

I have indeed,twice infact along with countless threads, webpages and now on my way through not just friends.

The issue was that despite reading that I still had struggled for reasons outside of the relationship and what I discovered through ic was some parental issues and abandonment issues.

She has been a firm believer for months that just too much damage had been done and I suspect that is the case. She flicks between wanting to R and then not, her last message of hope two days ago was that she realised that she chose to R and therefore should invest her self in it but yet it just doest seem to be the case.

Don't do this if you think SHE is. Do it for you. Give it your all for you, if that is truly what you want. Whatever the outcome, you'll live in a greater integrity than you did in the A.

Indeed, this started all off with me being fearful of losing this and scared to be honest and truthful but as time has gone on that viewpoint has shifted somewhat.

This is all entirely for me, I used to be hooked on Facebook. First and last thing to be checked and would be on it most of the day. I don't think I'll ever touch that thing again.

I am liking the person I am becoming, I wish I could have given this shape od me to my bs as it would've been the least she deserved. Not sure what our future looks like now, nor do I for our children but I know irrespective of that we are both good people and will invariably do whatever we can to ensure our children are fine.

Hellfire gave you some good insight a d advice. Try it instead of being defensive or dismissive.

Have you asked your bs if a polygraph would help? Who cares what you think here. This is about making her feel safe. Have you asked her if a timeline would help, or have you simply dismissed that because you say there are gaps too big and haven't even offered?

Why ARE those gaps so big? I don't remember a ws here who didn't have at least a vague recollection of their timeline. it's one reason it's given as a suggestion for ws. It helps.

You keep saying the word I a lot, and how you think things would go. Stop doing that and give her agency.

Eta: and this may be rude but stop patting yourself on the back. Okay you're a good person. Great news. Move your focus back to her if you're going to r, otherwise help her transition out of this relationship.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 10:36 PM, Monday, July 10th]

last bit of info to be bought up was around a few months ago maybe longer

Every time she found out you had been withholding the truth, it reset her clock. She's not able to heal when,Every few months,you would devastate her all over again. Then she had to reprocess everything. She's only 2 months into her healing, by your timeline.

Many BS here have had their ws take a polygraph. I don't think anyone(BS) has ever said they regret the polygraph.

Law enforcement, from local police, to the FBI utilize the polygraph test. While it may not be admissible in court, the very fact the LEO use the poly to help solve crimes, indicates they're certainly a useful tool in getting the truth.

Many ws will take the test, to help give their BS a bit of peace.

Hi,

I could give a vague timeline, ths6t wouldn't be the issue however she is wanting above and beyond that.
Therefore it's a little pointless as we have in parts already done that.

Ref polys, she is of the same opinion and sees little would be gained from one.

Whilst I dont discount hell fires advice and I'm not trying to he either dismissive or defensive my point is that I could swear blind I'm being honest, unfortunately though she will just not believe me when I say it my way as as she has her own opinions WHICH I do totally understand given the circs.

My issue I guess is that I could be the most honest, understanding, remorseful, patient person going and whilst I want to R if she is not willing to understand or see possibly that I am being truthful I am just left in a bit of a limbo again something that I do understand....

She's not going to believe you. You've given no reason to. Yet. It's been 2 months of consistent honesty. Only 2 months. After 12 months of lying,and the entire time of the affair. And,after 2 months, you expect her to try and believe you. She can't. It's not that she isn't willing. She CAN'T. She is severely traumatized. YOU did that to her. It's going to take a lot longer than 2 months for her to try and trust you.

Tell the truth. All of it. If there is more that you are withholding, sit her down and tell her immediately. It will hurt her,but the fact that you came to her and she didn't have to pry it out of you,will help her.

5 years to heal. Thatbisnt an exaggeration. 5 years. She's 2 months into her healing journey. And so are you, frankly, if you've only been honest for the last 2 months. You have a lot of work to do on yourself. The more she sees you working on becoming a better man, the safer she will feel with you. Right now,she doesn't feel safe..she can not start to trust you yet. You have to earn that..through honest, consistent, and remorseful actions. Getting upset that she won't just try,after the last bomb went off 2 months ago..is unfair.

I am a BS, also 14 months out and to be honest, I think you're just going to have to accept your wife will NEVER believe a word you say. It doesn't matter what you say or do now, nothing can change what's already been proven... You are a liar. I totally understand you aren't lying now but it doesn't matter to your wife, she is not in your head and can never know what's true and what's not. I get that it must be bloody frustrating when you know you're telling the truth this time, but you really will just have to accept it doesn't matter. Stick with the truth though, just keep answering the questions over & over with the same truthful answers (and don't miss out even tiny details you think are irrelevant because they will eventually come out & you'll be back to square one again) 👍

Are these her actual opinions you asked her for and she vocalized? Because if they are not then you are still denying her agency in these choices. Ask her what she needs and wants and try to give it to her, then be prepared to be doing this for years if you want to r.

Frankly it sounds to me that you've already decided r won't work and it's her fault for not trusting you. She's not going to trust you. For a long time, if ever again. Similarly she's not going to believe half of what you say. You can either go all in and make it about her or spare her the torture of false r.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 11:17 PM, Monday, July 10th]