SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

@1994

Thank you. I definitely have bad moments and I didn’t do everything right over the past few months but her consistent lying has made it easier. It still
Blows my mind someone is willing to blow up nearly two decades together, over a decade of marriage and a family with two young boys (6/4) and they aren’t even willing to try and see if there’s something that can be salvaged. She is so beyond broken. She’s on her journey. I’m on mine.

If at some point in the future she gets her shit together and comes crawling back then maybe I’ll be in a place if I’m healed enough where it’s something I can consider. I need to be a better person and she certainly would need to show significant changes. She’s such a stubborn person though I don’t think that’s possible.

Right now it just makes me really sad that I want nothing to do with the person that I’ve been with for half my life.

I’ll be okay. My boys will be okay. She doesn’t get to see me raise my two boys into great men. It’s all her loss.

I’ll be okay. My boys will be okay. She doesn’t get to see me raise my two boys into great men. It’s all her loss.

Great to see you’re strengthening emotionally. Keep at it. Keep NC. Have you filed yet? Now’s the time - D usually takes a long time - can be more than a year in some jurisdictions. You can always stop it should the miraculous happen and she transforms into a truly remorseful XWW, should you choose to. That said, don’t hold your breath. The vast majority of cheaters never do.

@gr8ful

Not yet. We have agreed to terms of separation which would be the basis for the divorce. Basically we split everything 50/50. What I earn is mine what she earns is hers. Kids are 50/50 and when we decide to sell the house we will split that too.

Since she hasn’t even gotten to a point where she is living on her own and having to solo parent, I would like to see how things go for the next few months. Maybe try and get through the holidays.

Maybe that’s the wrong way to go about it but I’m still only 3 months out from DDay and feel like it should take more time before I decide to pull that trigger.

I did tell her if I start to feel like I want to date again then that’s the point in which I will file otherwise I’m fine with status quo for the time being.

Being both selfish and stubborn are two of the worst possible qualities in a partner. You would be wise to fully send her on her way.

As to you...why would you wait until you find someone you are interested in dating before fully pulling the plug? This sounds like fear is driving your decision making process rather than principles/values.

Furthermore, do you think a quality woman would view you as truly available? All they will see is a man straddling the fence, which should give any potential quality dating candidate some modicum of pause.

What most people don't realize is the places we need to go in life are all too often behind the doors we are deathly afraid to open.

Good luck, OP.

@farside

It’s not that I plan on waiting until I meet someone to file it’s that I don’t plan on filing until I feel healed and will be ready to date again. It’s only been three months and I have a long road ahead of me before I even want to be back out there. I need to heal. I need to get to know myself again. I need to love me and my life again without someone else. I eventually will want to find someone to share my life with that can come in and complement my life and not have it be something where I feel codependent on in order to get myself healed.

That is a fair response.

Help me understand how you see being separated (as opposed to being divorced) as being a beneficial tactic to your end goal.

@farside

To be honest I don’t know.

Everyone says wait six months before making a decision.

Also I’m kinda curious to just see how things go with my wife once she has to take the kids on her own for days at a time. She’s had it fairly easy so far in terms of responsibility because my kids are still living with me in the house full time and she sees them for like an hour in the morning or a few hours in the evening on alternating days. I want her to truly experience what her life is going to be moving forward. It won’t be difficult for me because I’ve handled the kids on my own for days for so long. Curious to see if any sort of reality sets in for her. I know it likely won’t but you can’t appreciate what you have until it’s gone. She’s not even at that point yet.

Duplicate

[This message edited by farsidejunky at 8:15 PM, Thursday, September 7th]

So the real hope is for her to "wake up", or am I misreading you?

@farside

I wouldn’t say hope. I have been actively working to kill the hope. I don’t have any hope or expectation of reconciliation or anything happening with her at this point. I’m at peace that there’s no future for us.

It’s more that I don’t think filing for divorce at this second is any different at this point from waiting a few months and get some distance from it all and be absolutely sure and hopefully a little more healed.

I am out of the marriage (as is she frankly) but not ready to sign on the dotted line yet. There’s 18 years together, 11 married plus our kids. I don’t feel a rush to force the process. We’ve both agreed to terms of separation that will act as the basis for a mediation in divorce. Split everything equally including the kids and I walk away and she is. She’s doing whatever it is she is. I am doing what I am doing.

She can’t hurt me anymore.

While you wait, make sure you are lining up your ducks. Keep an eye on finances and make sure she can’t run up credit cards or deplete resources. Get ready for D so when you are ready, you are ready.

Unless you are legally separated (only recognized in some states), then you are still responsible financially and legally. Start separating now. It may show her you are serious, and it will make it easier when you D. Protect you and your kids future.

Yea we’ve already separated financially. She is a fiscally responsible person. We are only sharing one joint credit card specific to kid expenses. Beyond that her money is hers and mine is mine.

How are things going now?

Cancel the joint credit card and use a joint account. She may beca financially responsible person, but that can change.

If at some point in the future she gets her shit together and comes crawling back then maybe I’ll be in a place if I’m healed enough where it’s something I can consider. I need to be a better person and she certainly would need to show significant changes.

As you disengage and detox from the situation, you may find that you won't like your WW very much, at least as a romantic partner. In my experience, being a BS forced mentor go on a healing journey. I read, went to IC, watched podcasts, listen to speakers, and journaled. It was like I was taking a master's degree in personal growth. My WW did nothing.

In the end, I had grown and developed so significantly as a person, that I no longer found my WW attractive to me. She still operated under the false assumption that she was the prize, while I looked at her with pity for failing to seize this opportunity at growth. Even to this day, she remains a 55 year old version of her 20 year old self.

Focus on you and your boys. Live the shit out of your life and move forward.

@1994

Been meaning to reply to you.

Things are just…things.

I’m at a point where I am starting to feel hatred towards my ex.

She has confirmed that the AP is moving back to our state so they can be together. I have been dating but it’s mostly been for companionship and physical. At this point I don’t feel capable of connecting with someone emotionally.

I don’t want to talk to my ex even via text. I try to minimize our communication but because of the boys it’s still necessary. I don’t really know what to do.

I just, am.

If she’s making plans for the future with AP just file. She’s made the conclusion inevitable so get things moving.

A lot of times during the holidays a wayward will do or say something incredibly thoughtless and cold hearted (I know, hard to imagine right?) that finally pushes a BS to file, only to find you can’t get a lawyer on the phone till the new year. Spare yourself the holiday rumination. Start your future now.

She is treating you like a Back Up Plan while waiting for you to make the move and be the "bad guy"

Take care of yourself. Take care of your kids. Get all your things in order. And sadly, prepare for a bumpy ride as it sounds like she will try to burn the candle at both ends until she can't anymore. Then play the victim.

I'm sorry.

At least she isn't pretending to care and try while mak8ng other plans. I lived in limbo. Your heart goes into a numbness. Close the door on her and begin your new life.

Hi HandB,

Its been over six months since DD and you are now in a new year with new potential.
Have you made any further progress in your decision regarding your family, marriage and future?

We'd love to have an update and to reflect on your current situation with you.
Kind regards,
FAWH

I just don't get the good guy/bad guy thing when it comes to filing. Who gives a shit what people think? I am one of the 20ish% of men who have filed for D, and it felt fantastic! My STBXWW was still under the impression that she was the prize and I would come to realize that I had "won" over her AP. When she got served,I felt like I grew a third ball...

But in all seriousness, you can never control the narrative others spin. And why would you? Why distract yourself from living the very best version of your life that you can?