SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello Friends,

I am very new to this community, and I wish that I never had to find this community or be a part of it. However, I am grateful that it exists, and I am reaching out for support in my time of need. I find myself brokenhearted, emotionally unstable, and uncertain about how to proceed.

I apologize if I make any mistakes or misuse abbreviations; I am not familiar with all of them, but I will do my best to learn and adapt. My Dday was on June 28th. I have been married for 20 years, and we have two beautiful daughters aged 8 and 12. In early June, I noticed a change in my wife's behavior—she became secretive with her cell phone, took longer walks, and displayed actions that were out of character for her. Recognizing these patterns was easy for me, given our 20 years together. Upon further investigation of her cell phone records, I discovered that she had engaged in an emotional affair with her high school lover. What began as innocent text messages eventually escalated to declarations of love, with hundreds of messages exchanged, including sexual content. Phone records also revealed hours-long conversations and video messages. Shockingly, she would even message him while sitting next to me, sometimes even narrating what I was doing in video games.

When I confronted her about my knowledge of the affair, she admitted the whole thing. She claimed that they had always felt "connected." When I asked her if she wanted to end our marriage, she replied with both "yes" and "no," listing reasons why she was unhappy: my lack of romance, a lack of emotional connection, and differing interests, among others. While she expressed some remorse for hurting me, she made it clear that she was not going to "beg."

All of this occurred just before our planned two-week vacation, and our children were eagerly looking forward to it. I decided that, for the sake of our kids, I would still take the trip under the condition that she would end contact with the affair partner. Afterward, I would move out to reflect on our relationship. Reluctantly, she agreed to cut ties with the affair partner, and we went on the vacation. During the trip, we were intimate three times, which left me deeply confused. We spoke more, and she agreed to attend therapy during our trial separation, promising not to contact the affair partner. We planned to pursue marriage counseling afterward.

She claimed to have called the affair partner and told him that she needed time to think things over (they spoke for almost an hour, as per phone records). She then texted him that I would be leaving, but that I had found a place to stay for a month—this was her last message. At this point, I am uncertain if she realizes that I am aware of her messages.

She says she is unsure of what she wants, but she is unhappy. It feels like she is living in a fantasy world, where the affair partner tells her what she wants to hear, and she goes along with it.

I am deeply hurt and questioning if I can ever rebuild the shattered trust. I am not even sure if she will reconnect with the affair partner the moment I step out of the house. Today, we broke the news to our children about the trial separation, which was the hardest thing I have ever done. I cannot see any genuine remorse in my wife's eyes at this point. She claims to be confused, and I honestly don't know what to do.

Thank you for providing a space where I can share my story and seek support.

On my way out, sorry you find yourself here, please, please do not leave your home UNTIL you check with an attorney. It could be considered abandonment.

I'm sorry you had to find us, but glad you did. All the abbreviations and other helpful information will be found in the healing library and the pinned topics in this forum. First thing, none of this is your fault, all the reasons she listed are blame shifting, you were in the same M and didn't cheat. Second do not get into MC, your M is not the problem, she is.

In the healing library you should read and implement the 180, she is cake eating or fence sitting. She wants to dictate the path forward, do not allow this. You need to push her off the fence and remover yourself as an option or a plan B. Never ever leave your home, she left the M and destroyed it she needs to leave. Take control of this lead yourself and your children out of this. I wish you the best.

When I asked her if she wanted to end our marriage, she replied with both "yes" and "no,

While she expressed some remorse for hurting me, she made it clear that she was not going to "beg."

She claimed to have called the affair partner

She says she is unsure of what she wants, but she is unhappy.

It feels like she is living in a fantasy world, where the affair partner tells her what she wants to hear, and she goes along with it.

I cannot see any genuine remorse in my wife's eyes at this point.

I'm sorry you are here, but based on the above quotes, you have a pretty good grasp of your situation. Now you need to let your head and heart aligned. This was a tremendous challenge for me, so my only advice is to give yourself grace during the process. No one taught us how to survive this shit. It will get better...

So sorry you find yourself here but you will receive good support. You have received good advice already. Take care of yourself and your children. You seem to have a good grasp of things. Read in the healing library, eat healthy, exercise and get some sleep. Here is the basics for me: always value yourself. You deserve a partner who loves you and is faithful. Someone you can trust. You are not a perfect partner. No one is. Your WW is not a perfect partner either. But you do not cheat on your WW. Accept no blame for her cheating. None. You do not control her. Nothing you did or didn’t do in your M caused her to cheat. She cheated because she wanted to do it. Period. It is very common for the cheating partner to rewrite your marital history to justify her betrayal. It doesn’t make it true. Cheaters also claim to be confused and not know what they want. I advise being firm and implementing the 180. Take action. She is still involved in her A. She vowed to be faithful on your wedding day. Stop doing things for her. No idle chit chat. The 180 is to give you space to process the trauma dropped on you and to get your bearings. I do not advise that you leave your house. Talk to an attorney to learn your rights. Get tested for STDs. You can give your WW the opportunity to drop her A and demonstrate remorse. If she refuses, she should be the one to leave.

Do not be confused about fixing marital issues and your WW’s character flaws that allowed her to cheat. As an analogy: your M is like a house in need of repair with a leaky roof and a faulty furnace. Instead of working with you to repair the house, she poured gasoline on the house, lit a match and burned it down. Before you ever work with her to rebuild the house, she has to prove that she has worked on her character flaws that allowed her to become an arsonist. If you attempt to rebuild without her working on her failings, you run the risk of her burning down the house in the future.

If her AP is married, contact his OBS and expose the A. She has a right to know the truth of her life. Good luck.

I second the abandonment issue... please see a divorce lawyer asap before leaving the house.

Look up the 180 process here in this forum and in the library section. The pick me dance will not work. Expose her to her family if she is close to them... exposure will most likely help to pour very cold water on the affair.

Sorry you find yourself here.

Others have suggested the 180 and I totally agree since your wife (in her mind) is still in a relationship with her affair partner (AP). Michelle Wiener Davis had these in her book Divorce Busting. She remarked that if she had immediately implemented them upon discovery she would still be married.

Her 33 "behaviors" of the 180 are located here in the Healing Library in the Frequently Asked Questions at the top of this page. It is located about 1/3 down the page. Here is the link:

https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/faq/bs/?FAQ=11

Others have mentioned it and I will emphasize... You Did Nothing Wrong. Her cheating is 100% her doing... no one else's.

Keep posting here. This is your safe space.

Hello ((Welp))

Rethink the separation. (Do it in house)

In most states this will be abandonment and will hurt you tremendously in a divorce. You could lose your house and children.

Second, she will most likely continue to have the affair and it will get worse. If you leave get security cameras. Do not let this POS in YOUR house.

Third get an attorney NOW. It will help your mental health to understand your legal problems. It will give you some power back.

Now you need to think about you!

This is so hard on your mental and physical health. You must drink water and eat. Do not end up in a hospital! Then get some exercise, anything will do, but joining and going to a gym will do wonders for your mental health in short order.

Start the 180, you can find it along with other great information in the healing library right here on SI.

Exposure

You need support from family and freinds. Some may even help her understand she is going to ruin everything built for 20 years. You will need hugs and love from others this will be so hard to go through.

If the AP (affair partner) is married or has a SO you must contact the OBS (other betrayed spouse) immediately. She deserves to know the truth of her life as do you. This may even end the affair.

Never ever do the "Pick me" dance. Guaranteed not to work. The 180 works even if it is counterintuitive.

Love and ((hugs)),

Organic

Thank you to everyone who responded to my message. Your support is greatly appreciated during this difficult time. I want to express my gratitude for bringing up the possibility of an abandonment issue. I will make it a priority to consult with an attorney as soon as possible. Currently, I believe I am in a relatively secure position because we have not yet separated our finances. She wants me to continue handling the financial responsibilities, including paying all the bills, including the mortgage. Since I have always been in charge of our finances, she is not familiar with how to manage them.

I will still take the kids on certain days also come and spend some time in the house with the kids when she is out. She says that she wants to work me to either end. She wants to either work and repair the marriage or peacefully end it.

Regarding STD comments, I don't believe there was anything physical since this guys lives in another state. Their EA lasted less than a month since I caught on very quickly.

I am currently in a deeply hurt state, and I am uncertain if I will ever be able to trust her again. I have made it clear to her that, for now, I need time to process what has happened and cannot make any promises. I agree with all the comments here, I don't want to be the pathetic loser asking her to be taken back. She needs to show me through remorse of her actions and I need to be able to believe them.

I also agree with checking your rights with a solicitor prior to leaving the family abode.

All of her disrespect is on her. 50/50 for the marriage issues but a 100% responsibility on her for the EA and possible PA.
You don’t need her permission to inform the other betrayed spouse (OBS) if her old BF has one. As they also have the right to know what is going on.
One day at a time

I am an attorney - that being said my personal/non-legal opinion here is to also check with an attorney re moving out of the house. It is safer to ask the WS to move out until you have something settled/know your rights.

I agree with ThisIsSoLonely.

At this point you need legal advice from a seasoned divorce/family law attorney. You don't want to take any actions which may jeopardize your future going forward. As far as the state is concerned, a marriage contract is a legal contract. In the event that you decide to divorce then the state takes control and decides the terms that the contract between you and your wife will be dissolved... alimony, children, assets, etc. You do not want to take any steps that will harm your future with your daughters.

I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation. It is like your wife has dumped several dump trucks full of manure on the top of your head and you are trying to dig your way out. You did not ask for this situation, but you have to handle it nonetheless.

My suggestion to you is to immediately implement the 180 and get some consultations with one or more divorce/family law attorneys.

Good luck to you.

Thank you so much everyone, I spoke with an Attorney's office here in California. I spoke with a paralegal, she strongly suggested to stay in the house saying that it can effect future child custody/spousal support payments. I think I am going to stay at this point. It is going to be very hard for me to live in the same house and also implement 180 but I will try my best.

Tell his wife

AP doesn't seem to have spouse . He lives in another state. According to my wife he came out of a relationship recently. I did some online searches. I couldn't locate any significant other.

I'm sorry that you had to join us.
The lawyer is right, stay in your house. If anyone leaves, it should be your WW. She's the one who isn't happy.

The 180 is tough, but it's necessary for you to heal from this. No interaction except for discussions about the children. As for paying the bills, pay only what is necessary for the children and yourself. Your WW needs to see what life will be like without you.

If the AP just ended a relationship, I'd be interested to know why.

Prompt action pays dividends. Well done checking with an attorney. Look, the 180 is for your benefit to get some mental space. It is not a tool to manipulate your WW. I think you see. In house separation can be very hard. You can be civil and not nasty. Do not bad mouth your WW to your children. If your WW tries to engage you, don’t argue with her, she will only hurt you and drag you down while she is in her A. If she tries to talk about problems in your M you can tell her that you would be interested in working on marital issues, but not while she is actively in her A and contacting her AP. If she is remorseful she can send a no contact letter that you see, be openly transparent with her social media and phone, and prepare a written timeline of her A. These are barebones things she can do. Learn to gray rock and not give her anything to fight over. Meanwhile get the D process started and moving forward. If she ends her A and begins the work to demonstrate she can be worthy of trust at some point, you can always stop the D process. In the meantime you will be riding an emotional rollercoaster. Get into IC if need be. Your feelings and emotions will change frequently. Be there for your children. Resist any urge to rugsweep. Reject any notions of blame for her infidelity. You decide when and how you want to expose her A to family and friends. The goal is to get out of infidelity, either by D or R. Good luck.

One thing you can say if she tries to blame you for not being romantic enough, or interested in her enough, etc. Just say, "I am sorry that you feel that way". Leave it at that. Pretty soon she will see that you aren't going to take the bait.

Sorry, duplicate post.

[This message edited by WishidleftHer at 12:13 PM, Tuesday, July 18th]

I am little confused on the 180 process. She told me that she ended with the AP that she wants to try to repair our marriage. However it sounds like she has list of demands etc of how she wants me to be and our marriage to be. She says we should get therapist and marriage counselor to work our issues.

Do I stop the 180 process because she ended with the AP? I see no remorse in her eyes though.