SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Everything is still so fresh. Dday was on the 11th. I've already made the choice that we are going to try and work it out because that is what my gut tells me to do. He is doing everything I ask of him and I have started reading Not Just Friends. I'm just... fearful that it will happen again. He has done the no contact and all that. The OW is no longer part of our lives. I know it will take time, and i'm still on the emotional rollercoaster of the whole thing. I am just.... arrggghh... I can't even put it into words. Just, every now and again, the thought pops up... what if what if what if....

You can "what if" yourself to the point of insanity. It's really hard to come to terms with the fact that the person we're supposedly closest to is not who we thought they were. That can take a long time to sort out, and will take a lot of reassuring positive experience from him -- doing what he needs to do to help you feel safe(r).

I thought that I KNEW that my H wouldn't cheat, but the big lesson that I learned was that you can never really know, you can only believe. I decided that I was going to believe my H, and if he was lying to me, I'd deal with it if/when I found out.

Trust, but verify. Extend the trust, and then ask/search for confirmation that your gut is calibrated correctly. Your H would do well to help you with this without getting pissy about it.

You need to give him some minimum requirements for you to consider attempting reconciliation.

At minimum he should..

Go NC with OW. If he works with her,he needs a new job.

He needs to be tested for stds. You too.

Write a full, complete,detailed timeline of the entire affair.

Be accountable for his time away from you.

Fully transparent. You get full access to all accounts and the phone. Passwords included.

Total honesty at all times.

He needs ic to figure out why he cheated.

He needs to answer all of your questions without anger or defensiveness.

He needs to understand you will ask the same questions over and over,for a very long time. This is how the brain processes trauma.

He needs to completely block her ability to contact him. If that means changing his number,and email, then he needs to do it.

He goes NC with any friends who knew of the affair.

He needs to be proactive in healing the damage he caused.

He needs to work on being a safe partner. Understand, than none if that looks like extra housework,love bombing, or being a father to his kids.

He needs to understand reconciliation is a process that takes years. The average time for healing is 3 to 5 years,and that can't start until you have the entire truth.

And anything else you need to begin to feel safe.

You need to understand that nothing you did,or didn't do,caused this.

You need to see an attorney to know your rights. It will help you feel better,and send a clear message to him that you staying isn't a given fact.

You need to call her husband and tell him. Do this without telling your husband. One, he will warn her. And, two,he's supposed to be NC, so if he says anything, you know he's talking to her.

You need to watch his actions. His words mean nothing. His actions will show if he is doing the work.

Also,IMO, its way to early to "trust but verify." You are days out from dday. There is no trust,and none should be extended. He's blown that to Hell. Right now,you should question everything. Trust is slowly restored,over time,through honest consistent, and remorseful actions.

Do NOT share this site with him.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:42 PM, Monday, July 17th]

6 days? It's too early to commit - you're still in shock, and people aren't thinking their bets when in shock.

I think one can know on d-day what one wants. I sure think I did, and I think my W knew what she wanted, too.

But I don't think it's possible to know quickly what R will involve. As a result, one can't know if they and their partner will stay the course for R. One can't even know if one really wants R or is simply afraid to consider alternatives.

It won't make a lot of difference to you in the long run, but I suggest as strongly as I can that you accept wanting R - but that you commit to healing yourself, considering alternatives to R, and figuring out which alternative looks better to you. If it turns out your WS, for example, really isn't a good candidate for R, you'll be slightly better off if you don't have to renege on a commitment - even if it's only to yourself - to R.

Commit to work on your M, by all means - but keep yourself free in case your WS is not truly remorseful.

The first thing you need from him is the truth and nothing but the truth.

Based on your original post, IMO you don't have the truth.

You cannot rebuild a marriage on a bed of lies.

HE should be reading Not Just Friends.

IMO I would not offer him the gift of R until he proves he can be trustworthy and proves over a period of time that he understands the damage he has done and has done the work on himself to figure out why he cheated and what's going to stop him from cheating in the future.

Cheaters lie, all of them, please don't rugsweep his actions. Continue to stay vigilant.