SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

EVERY A season in the past I have written about it on here. I have written about moment-by-moment times that my H and his adultery co-conspirator spent together. I would write about the food they ate...the drinks they drank...the places they visited...and even how long they spent in his hotel room...or at her house...thanks to all the information I have. I felt that by writing about it on here...I would get desensitized to it...hoping that those days would soon just be MEH to me. In order to do this...well...I HAD to go over all of the expense reports...the time stamped receipts...the emails...the google timeline...stuff like that in order to MAKE SURE I had everything correct. EVERY YEAR.

My lil bro on here...Unhinged...was supportive with what I was doing...at first! Last year though...he gave me a challenge...to STOP writing about it on here so that I wouldn't HAVE to be going over all of that evidence. It rattled me. Having all of this information was comforting to me in a way. I could SEE what was happening at that time. It was like I could feel some type of CONTROL during that point. Then...on July 18th of each year...I could put it away...and not have to go back over it. At least...not until the NEXT A season. Like all of you wonderful people on here...Unhinged wanted to HELP...and I took his challenge under consideration.

So...THIS YEAR...I didn't look...at ANYTHING from the evidence I had from my H's A. I didn't do a play-by-play on here either! The ONLY thing that was something from around my H's A was the "memories" feed on Facebook that would pop up. It didn't show up every day...and it was a memory of what I was doing around that time...so it had nothing to do with my H's A.

I had a little anxiety going into A season...but as the weeks went by...it got better and better! I had a total of 4 meltdowns...which is a HUGE difference from the multiple meltdowns DAILY for the first few years. AND...there were a few times that I actually FORGOT stuff!! I even caught myself on certain days realizing that I hadn't remembered the significance of THAT particular day during my H's A! I was AMAZED at how LITTLE significance it played this time!!

Granted...there are some events happening in my life at this point...particularly deaths of beloved family members...that make what happened NINE YEARS AGO very insignificant to me NOW. It was interesting that the meltdowns I had correlated to the passing of my family members. I am sure it has something to do with it...but it is something I will address later. I need to process the grief right now.

But...one GOOD thing from all of this is that A season is OVER!! I handled it MUCH better than I thought I would...and I am very PROUD that I didn't even try to look at any of the evidence...AT ALL!! For ME...THIS WORKS!! I am so looking forward to NEXT A season...which is something I NEVER thought I would say!! Onward and UPward!!! Thank You God!!!

Unhinged...lil bro...THANK YOU!!! I never thought I could do it...but with YOUR encouragement...I DID!!

Brava! High five!

I think you and I are probably alike in a lot of ways. I kept ALL the details in a private Google blog. I had C&P my posts here, journal entries, PMs with friends here, details that I jotted down as I thought of them - everything. I would dig through it from time to time, especially the part where he sent her the NC email.

I half wanted to delete it as a show of mental strength so that I could move on from it, and the other half wanted to keep it. It was like a security blanket. You can't gaslight me again - I have PROOF. Except that nobody was trying to gaslight me anymore. So, finally, over a decade past DDay, I deleted it. I still miss it sometimes, but I know it's better for me that I can't even pain-shop if I wanted to.

I recently discovered that I had saved some things on the journal of my old SI screen name. It felt sort of like Christmas finding that and being able to dig through it. And something weird that I noticed is that there were details that I had forgotten. In my memory, the first words out of my H's mouth on DDay were "I'm in love with someone else." But journal entries from that time note that he said "This (MC) has all been a lie. I'm in love with someone else." Funny how I totally forgot that first part. It may not seem like an important detail to anyone else, but I thought it was super interesting. Memory is fallible, especially when you've been horribly gaslit. But maybe the details just don't matter anymore and it's time to lay them to rest so that we can move forward.

I'm sorry that you're grieving your beloved family members. Big hugs.

Good for you Coozan!!!! Healing is a journey with no short cuts. Along the way you have to process, and discard, lightening the load as you go along.

You chose not to return to the trash pile to see what was discarded, you kept going forward. People ask "but Tanner isn’t that a form of rug sweeping?" Absolutely not, rug sweeping is to keep the garbage inside and pretend it’s not there.

I know you have analyzed all of it forward and backwards, there is nothing else to see. Thanks for the update.

That's beautiful!!

You'll never forget what happened, but you don't need to recall all of the details either.

Good for you! Isn't it amazing how we can forget little details that were SOOOO important to us once before? I actually forgot the AP's birthdate. Unthinkable!

Congrats lady. You've put in so much work and these payoffs are awesome.

SacredSoul33...it does seem like our journeys toward healing have gone down similar paths! I haven't deleted anything yet...but some of it is "sunsetting" on its own. The google timeline seems to not be as accurate as the years go by...LOL! Or maybe it was because I was going on it so often at one point that it just seemed to get corrupted? Whatever the case...I may do what you did...I just don't feel ready to yet. One day at a time!

I do know that trying to recall some stuff from memory...it was actually hard to do. To ME...that was a PLUS! But...I also know I have the information in case I NEED to recall something. Being gaslit...like you mentioned...is probably what is preventing me from doing away with it all. My H isn't doing anything to warrant my GUT screaming...but for right now...I feel better having it and not needing it...then needing it and not having it...LOL!

Tanner...thanks Cuz!!!

You chose not to return to the trash pile to see what was discarded, you kept going forward.

I LIKE the way you put it...and that is so TRUE! In the beginning...I probably wrote my thread during every A season because I didn't want to rugsweep AT ALL. I wanted the wisdom of my family and friends on here to help me to see if there was perhaps something I wasn't seeing for myself. Then it became a form of journaling for me...so that I could see how things developed in my healing. It never dawned on me that going through all of the evidence every year was only letting that RUT in my neuropathway get deeper and deeper. DUH!!! I KNEW better!!! Heck...I've given advice about just that...LOL!!

Thanks Coozann for ALL of the HELP you have given me!!!

little turtle...thank you! I LOVE your tagline!!!

SadieMae...I never knew the adultery co-conspirator's birthdate...it just wasn't between May 11-July 17!! I am so HAPPY to see you have forgotten it!! YOU my friend have HELPED me so much in my healing...and I am so THANKFUL for all that you have done for me!! Thanks for your encouraging words...again!!

Want2BeHappy,

Thank you for posting this part of your journey. This post has been such a great check in for me.

Like many betrayed spouses, I've kept much of the evidence I've discovered, as well as my H's timeline. I haven't gone back to it on any kind of a regular basis, but I do occasionally go back to it.

Your post helps challenge my reasons why I do this, and my reasons are various and messy.

Like SacredSoul33 discussed, I keep the evidence to help ensure I won't be gaslit again. Even though my H has never denied any of the evidence (after I found it), I want there to be proof positive that what I thought was unthinkable DID happen.
I just realized that the memories of a BS and WS may work in opposite directions. My H's memory is fuzzier with the details than mine is. Why? His brain is probably trying to protect him from pain and shame. Yet, mine wants to keep the memories sharp to protect me from pain and any more nasty surprises. His brain wants those memories to fade, but I want to remind myself that this level of surprise and pain CAN happen...and I never want to be surprised again.

Yet the important details are written in brain and heart. Does revisiting the evidence really protect me? No, not really.
Whenever we've had a difference in memories, my H has easily deferred to my recollection, because he knows how obsessive I was at remembering the details. And, if he were to betray me again, I would still be surprised...but maybe less so and I think the pain would be more manageable because I would be leaving the marriage behind.

I also revisit the evidence to try to desensitize myself, and it has worked. I think there will be a point where I've gotten all I can from this practice.

Should I be desensitized? Debatable. Those for whom betrayal is a deal breaker would likely argue, "No Way--remain sensitive to the pain, so you won't let others abuse you and you won't be a doormat." And they have a point. I think all BSs who try for R have to check in with themselves on this point and make sure they aren't confusing their ability to sacrifice or be miserable for love. But, for those who choose to stay or try R (or probably even for those who D), it is helpful to move past the the white hot pain of betrayal and the images in our heads.

What's the deep dark reason I also keep.the evidence and revisit it?
To feel justified in my hurt and anger.
To feel justified in not trusting too much.
To feel justified in keeping distance between my H and I.

Is this helpful? Maybe for the place we are currently at. But not in the long run, where we need to either be more healed or walk away.

Congrats on this new milestone,W2BHA!!

What's the deep dark reason I also keep the evidence and revisit it?
To feel justified in my hurt and anger.

I've been trying to figure out why I keep it and why I keep going back to it. My IC asked me about that last week and my answer was "excitement." It's exciting to revisit all that crap. I know what it says. I've read it hundreds of times, so why do I still get a thrill from it? Why did I ever get a thrill at all?!

It may be as simple as what you said, BreakingBad. It may be that I feel justified when I read it. Funny thing, though, I never needed all that evidence to justify feeling hurt and angry. Why do I need evidence? Why do I need to prove it??

Something shifted in our relationship over the last several days. I told my H last night that I no longer have this underlying feeling of YOU OWE ME. Funnily enough, he had said the same thing to his IC yesterday. Finally, after 35 years, it feels like we're both invested and equals in the relationship. The first 16 years, he was a terrible partner, cheating and gaslighting me like crazy. The next 16 or so years, we BOTH felt like he OWED me because of his bad behavior; he basically did whatever I wanted. Now that we're both in IC and working through our trauma and trauma responses, it finally feels like we're on a level playing field. There's a lot of peace and connection here. It's wonderful.

CONGRATULATIONS!! I am really happy for you—knowing how hard this is to do. I have always kept a lot of stuff in the Notes file on my computer, diary logs of stuff that happened at the time. A LOT of information. But over the years my kids have needed my computer for various things and as they are now teens I’m aware of their ability to snoop. So I have now deleted almost everything. It is freeing. I am by no means over the cheating (especially b/c I found out it was physical 12 months ago) but I am FORGETTING things naturally. Before it was like my mind was a steel trap on this stuff and i never forgot anything. Now I just let it happen - One of the pluses of getting older!!

I love how you tried doing something you thought you could never do - and succeeded. It probably would have been okay if you failed. The important part is that you tried doing something different to see if it worked. Yeah you! (And I mean that in a sincere way, not a sarcastic way LOL)

For two weeks I have not looked at any of my husbands texts. That probably sounds really dumb to most people but for 7 years multiple times a day I have been monitoring his texts. Sometimes through his iPad which he leaves at home and sometimes on his phone which he lets me have whenever I chose. I never thought I could do this but it has actually been easy. (Again apologies to people who think duh this should be easy). Anyway, the funny part is I think my husband is a little disconcerted that I am not checking. Another plus!

What has been your spouse’s reaction to your shift?

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 11:06 PM, Tuesday, July 18th]

I'm on the second go-round with my husband having an affair. He had a PA about 18 years ago, and about 6 weeks ago we had a d-day with him sexting and emailing a (now former) friend.

I just deleted everything. I think I learned from the first time that if it exists, I go back and look at it almost obsessively. It's not healthy for me at all because it takes me to a very dark place inside.

The other day, he looked at me and said, "WAIT!" and jumped up from the sofa. He came back in with his address book and an eraser.

He told me that he just remembered that AP's address and phone number were in there - and he wanted to get that out of his space entirely. He erased it completely, and showed me that it's gone. He has deleted everything, blocked her, and purged anything remotely reminiscent of her. This was hard, because she was a friend of ours for 48 years, and we had old photos, cards, etc. from over the years.

She is...canceled.

And somehow, my mood is improving daily because of it.

Closer to fine, W2BHA!

Congratulations!

VERY cool!

I haven't logged on in a while. But I did today and it did not disappoint as this thread kicks serious ass!

Well done friend. Well done.

Now, let's see if you skip writing about skipping it and skip it ALLLLL together.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 12:47 AM, Thursday, July 20th]

Happy for you Want2B. With time and healing that stuff will matter less and less.

BreakingBad...you bring up some pretty compelling points...things I haven't really thought about before...thanks for that! I didn't find out about there being an "account" on Craigslist until someone wrote about it on here...probably around year 2 from Dday. My H had deleted all of the ads he put on Craigslist...but he didn't know about CL keeping an account of EVERY ad he placed. That was how I saw that these ads corroborated what he told me...that he would place them saying he was a "happily married man looking for NSA sex while working in that country".

I didn't have a clue about the "Google Timeline" until after I had been on here about 3...maybe 4 years. From these two discoveries...I found things that corroborated with what my H had told me about his A. Where he said he had been...it showed on the google timeline that he was indeed at these places. There were a few weekends where he got the timing wrong...but for the most part the timeline proved to me that what my H was telling me was true.

Around year 7...I was able to look at the calendars again...in a more clinical way. I was able to "see" more evidence that I hadn't realized before. Like...their first date was at a sushi restaurant because she loved sushi...which was something they had in common. I felt HE was trying to impress HER by finding out what SHE liked...then bringing her there. When I looked at the calendar I noticed that my H had actually gone to a sushi restaurant earlier in the day. AHA!! He must have talked about going there...and the adultery co-conspirator told him that SHE loved sushi too...and things went on from there. It wasn't any elaborate PLAN my H made...it was an off the cuff remark that had him going. I hope I am making sense! In MY head...it was much different than what the facts laid out!

I don't PLAN on looking at the calendars anymore...but there just might be something else that someone comes up with on here that may make it more feasible for me to look at...LOL! I know that corroborating evidence sure helped me to see that what my H told me was true. That helped a lot in my healing!

SacredSoul33...LOVE your post! PEACE...what a FEELING!!

Stillconfused2022...I APPLAUD you for what you did!! We all heal in our own way and at our own pace...and as long as YOU are healing...then you are doing what is RIGHT...for YOU!! Thank you so much for your encouraging words...they mean so much!

What has been your spouse’s reaction to your shift?

My H was so supportive...and kept telling me how proud he was for me to do what I did. He didn't like the meltdowns...and he got quiet a time or two...which is NOT what I want at all!! I called him on it...and he told me he didn't know what to say. This made me laugh...because it is now very unlike me to rant and rave like I used to do on a daily basis!! I know it has something to do with my recent mental state over the loss of our loved ones...and he probably realizes it too. I will deal with that another time...it is just a little raw right now. Thank you...again...for your encouraging words!! Keep hanging in there...healing the way YOU need to...and you will do AWESOME!!

5Decades...

She is...canceled.

And somehow, my mood is improving daily because of it.

LOVE this!!

HardKnocks and sisoon...thank y'all!!

Chaos...aww my friend...THANKS for that! Coming from the ULTIMATE BASGU...that is a true compliment!!

Unhinged...LOL!!! But...how will all the new people on here know my story lil bro???!!! Seriously though...this was a really GOOD experiment...and it WORKED!! THANKS so much!!!

emergent8...you are so right!!

Our Dday antiversary came and went with little to NO anxiety at all on July 19th...YAY for US!! Y'all can read about the day our Mv2.0 started...on page 13 of the "Positive Reconciliation Stories" thread that is pinned at the TOP of this Forum!! So HAPPY Mv2.0 ANNIVERSARY to US!!!