SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

@SacredSoul33,

The reasons are without a doubt emotional, If I had no feeling towards him, then that would make decision making a whole lot easier. even after everything he has put me through, although I will admit that I would struggle financially, that would not be an ultimate reason to stay, because there is always a way.

You are completely correct, there is nothing at all to work with, because I am running in to a brick wall at every turn with this, which is why I made the decision to get therapy for myself, after everything I have gone through, I never stopped to consider that I may need support too, that was a failing on my part to realise that. With this therapy, I hope to get myself to a more stable position mentally so I can made decisions on a rational level.

I feel so very sad for everyone here at the forum that are struggling right now, but grateful for the knowledge and support I have received.

I was believing his "can't confide in someone who's too close to him because of childhood issues" thing until you shared that he ogles other women in front of you. Now I think that you're running into a brick wall at every turn because he's a garden variety jerk who's possibly feeding you a line of crap because changing the status quo isn't a comfy thought.

You deserve better than this from the person who's supposed to be your ride or die.

@SacredSoul33,

You hit the nail right bang on the head there. It just does not add up at all, like the narrative does not fit the scene. believe me, I have been through all this myself. Although I can believe it to a point, because the therapist said this was the problem?? I also believe he was the one who pursued the EA, because he kept going back there, it was apparently the OW that stopped him going in the end, I honestly think he was looking for something more maybe...who knows?

Regarding the Ogling, of course that was my fault too, for being jealous..I haven't got a jealous bone in my body! it angered me because it was so f....g obvious and disrespectful, not to mention it objectifies the female gender. I called him out on it the first time, it stopped for a while, then recently started again..so it is more a case of contempt for me and how it makes me feel.

Jesus, you could not even make this crap up

Although I can believe it to a point, because the therapist said this was the problem??

Unless you heard it directly from the therapist's mouth, it could be entirely fabricated.

so it is more a case of contempt for me and how it makes me feel

How do you feel?

@SacredSoul33,

Yes, that is true, RE the therapist. No direct reflection on you, but that ship sailed long ago, what is and isn't truth can't be changed, the fact that was he lying or not is not going to make any difference now. Regarding the contempt, that was in direct connection with the ogling, meaning I had already stated how it made me feel, yet he continued to do it, So direct contempt for the fact that he knows I didn't want him to do it in my company, but did it anyway.

How do I feel?

Lower than a snake's testicles, that's how I feel, stupid that I have put up with this shit for so long and the realisation that I have been manipulated is, to say the least, downright embarrasing. Angry that I have been too weak to stand up to this treatment.

But hey, it is good to come here and get perspective and support. It is quite empowering

May I give you a big ol' virtual hug, please?

How about practicing the 180 for a little while? Work on getting out of the mindset of trying to figure him out and make him care, and into trying to figure yourself out and caring about yourself first. Maybe run that past your therapist?

Hi Dreamdaisy, I am staying because i guess I am wanting the old loving him to come back. I caught him in EA maybe PA. Over the period I have known him which is 35 years, I have seen him as kind and gentle yet immature at times and he admits he has issues with responsibility. He is prone to thrill seeking I think and after 35 years I guess the shine has come off his marriage. He acted like a spoiled brat when I told him to get the AP out of his life. Had the A finished of its own accord and I had never known I think it would be easier however he is now acting like a child who has had his sweets taken away.
I feel like a discarded toy which is painful and I wonder if I am being kept around as he would lose half of everything financially. The AP is a particularly toxic person so if he is still in touch with her then any emotional connection would be hampered by that. If your WH was told to stop coming round by this other person then it maybe he is just struggling to let go of his feelings for her, how long ago did it stop?

@SacredSoul33,

Hug accepted, thank you

Yes, I will be speak about that on my next visit to the therapist. It appears that everything else is a big fat fail, so yes, all that is left is to love myself..I completely agree. If this forum has taught me anything, it is exactly that.

Sincere thanks again for your continued support, it has helped enourmously.

Have you considered IC for yourself?

Co-dependence has to be very stressful. But co-d is just a description of a behavior pattern. You're not doomed to co-d forever. You can change, and I think you'll be happy you changed if you do the work. The work is hard, but the payoff of getting authentic is wonderful.

The trouble is that you may need the help of a good IC....

@Sisoon,

Thank you

I am already meeting up with an IC and have been for a few weeks now.

1. Because I never took care of ME throughout all this
2. Because I am done trying to change someone who is blind to change

Hi @Dreamdaisy so sorry you're having to deal with this situation. As a BS, emotions can be a roller coaster and even when you know the painful reality of the situation in your relationship, you keep hoping the WS comes to their senses and begins to do the necessary work to rebuild the broken trust and be a better spouse.
For some couples change comes as they journey through R and the WS is sincerely remorse and does change for the better and R is a success story, this was my story but I do have to say it was not a walk in the park.
Unfortunately in other cases, R does not work as the WS is unable to do the work required maybe due to selfishness, character flaws, issues that were rug swept, trauma that was never dealt with, checked out of the relationship, don't feel the need to change as there are no consequences for their poor behaviour etc etc.

I think the most important thing as you already know is to take time for yourself and care for your emotional well being so that you are able to decide what you really want for yourself.
You are deserving of love that is trustworthy, caring and supportive and not one where you feel you are doing all the work but getting nothing in return. I do also understand that love is not like a tap that can easily be turned off especially for the BS but sometimes tough love means not accepting less than that what you are deserving of.

I pray the coming days brings strength for your emotions and wisdom for your decisions and who knows maybe a light bulb moment for your WS which brings about a positive turn around for your R journey.
Wishing you the very best.