SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

DDay was March 2019 and I have healed so much since then, but I feel like I did all the healing and work on my own. It doesn’t feel like the Affair was ever properly dealt with as a couple or solo for my husband.

This whole time I’ve been so ambivalent about reconciliation. I think I’ve been waiting for him to fight for me and our marriage before I would really start fighting too. It just never happened. Sometimes I feel like he left me to heal from the affair alone when we should have been doing it together and I began to get over the relationship as I was getting over the affair.

I’ve forgiven him and chose to no longer give so much energy to the A and instead have been trying to to focus on myself. We are more like roommates and coparents and I don’t feel like I am his wife, but I don’t try to be. I don’t understand this relationship anymore. It feels awkward and like I don’t know how I should act. We don’t say I love you or call each other pet names anymore. He doesn’t even really pursue me at all.

The thing is that anytime I bring up us not being together in the future he gets so angry at me. It feels so confusing because his actions have been telling me he just doesn’t care about me or our relationship.
He’s ok with this new dynamic and with keeping things status quo.

Has anyone gone through this? Am I part of the issue by not committing to reconciliation without feeling he’s giving the proper effort first?

I am sorry for your current situation of living in limbo.

You are NOT part of the problem. Your cheating spouse has not done the work to help you heal and fully reconcile. This you are left I’m a limbo state. The cheater has stopped cheating but hasn’t done anything to change the situation.

You are left just existing.

I would suggest that you have a very direct conversation with your spouse. Explain how you feel (without emotion) and that you are giving the marriage X # of days to get to a better place. If not, then you want to separate and move forward to a D.

You recognize his actions Telegraph exactly how he feels about the marriage. He doesn’t want to lose you and the comfortable life he has with you, but he does not want to put in the effort to get to a better place. Unfortunately this doesn’t work long term.

You deserve better. You should not have to beg for affection.

Have an exit plan in place. This way if things do not progress you can move on without being stuck with "how" and "when".

I would venture that if he doesn’t commit to some type of counseling immediately you may not see a change. Maybe you should tell him that during your discussion so that he’s not blindsided if you decide to leave.

3 - 4 years is a long time to live in limbo and let the cheater get away with doing very little. Just my two cents but you deserve better.

He doesn’t want to lose you and the comfortable life he has with you, but he does not want to put in the effort to get to a better place.

I second this. Why would you want to mess up this good thing that he's got going on? He gets all the trappings of marriage without having to BE in the marriage. Bonus: No child support payments!

Am I part of the issue by not committing to reconciliation without feeling he’s giving the proper effort first?

Absolutely not. If you were screening candidates for R, would your H get a second interview? No. He doesn't care about doing a good job, he just wants the perks.

Hi @PearlyBaker,

Your story mirrors mine exactly, I have been the one doing all the work without reciprocation, he just gets on with his life and relates to me on a function level only. I simply have nothing left to work with here, this has been going on since D day, but over the last 18 months he has all but distanced himself other than to talk about everyday stuff.

I won't offer advice, but will say that the support I have received here has been amazing and eyeopening, allowing me to look at the situation from different perspectives, which I was failing to do.

I really do feel your pain xx

@SacredSoul33

The crazy thing is that he doesn’t get all the benefits most women would give! He does almost all the cooking and most of the cleaning. And we hardly ever have sex! So hardly any benefits that a normal marriage would bring all for a trade off of not having to be vulnerable and possibly feel something?

@dreamdaisy

Thanks for the support ❤️. I’m sorry you are going through this too. Sometimes I feel like I’ve put the affair behind me and this is just a new hurt he is causing. It might be even worse. To watch how much you can destroy someone and listen to what they need over and over and just not do anything to try and fix the mess you’ve created.

Ugh this is no way to live and I know I deserve more but it’s like I gaslight myself into staying.

My BFF has been married for 25 years to a man with whom she is completely incompatible. She even bought a lake house so that she can have a place to escape. No sex, very little companionship, she doesn't cook, he does most of the cleaning... and she says he will never, ever leave her. His nature is to stick. She won't leave him because she has a chronic health condition and needs his insurance, and because of inertia. But if she hit the lottery tomorrow, I think she'd start taking steps to move on.

What keeps you in this relationship?

@PearlyBaker,

You are so very welcome to the support, I appreciate how much each one of us needs that.

I hear you, you are pretty much in the same land of limbo & for around a similar amount of time. I never once stopped to wonder where all the time has gone, it was only when I started reading, posting and reading some more that I understood where I have been going wrong. Have been taking full responsibility for R without giving it a thought. if you haven't already, read in the healing section and contemplate putting the focus back on YOU

Much love & blessings

I didn't choose R until I was convinced that my W would do her work, so I think your unwillingness to commit is your best bet. If your WS isn't willing to change on and for themself (as opposed to changing only in the hope of keeping you around), I doubt that he's a good bet for R.

WSes need to look inside, and IMO most WSes know down deep that they've done horrible things, so I can understand your H's reluctance. I don't understand his anger.

Do you have requirements for R? If not, my reco is to develop them and see if your H will commit to meeting them. If you do have them, what are they and how is your H doing in meeting them? In any case, it looks like you may need to add a requirement for IC with a goal of changing from cheater to good partner.

It might be best to lay out your requirements in an MC session - MC so you both have an objective observer to help you figure out what you will do.

IMO, you need to pin your H down to whether or not he will meet your requirements. IMO, your mental health and your ability to feel joy will be compromised if you stay with a unremorseful WS. Have you looked at the D/S forum on SI? There's a thread on fears of D vs the actualities. It may be worth a look.

Are you at risk of physical violence?

So he's done no work on himself,to become a safe partner. And he's done nothing to repair the damage he's done to the marriage,himself, or you.

It seems he feels that if you stayed together, you are reconciled. That's not true,as you see,and feel. He didn't desire true reconciliation. He just didn't want to divorce.

He's made his decisions. Now you need to decide if you can live like this.

I think there are many explanations for his behavior with a wide range of possible outcomes. Your husband may be selfish and refuse to better himself, maybe he thinks he doesn’t deserve a relationship with you anymore unless you want one and initiate, maybe this is what he wants in a relationship, he likely sees an entirely different reality of your marriage than you do. The only hope of fixing this or at least getting enough info to explore ending your marriage would be to communicate how you feel, what you need, and your nonnegotiable requirements to move forward. I can only suggest that when y’all do communicate, as hard as it is, you try not to accuse him of anything, but rather let him know how you "feel". At some point in reconciliation couples need to quit blaming the ex cheater for every problem and instead find ways to mutually work for a solution or agree to split. Part of my improved marriage and reconciliation still requires check ins and statements of "I need….." from both of us.

So, is his affair actually over?

Seems like he is distant and unwilling to make changes that would move to true reconciliation. That makes me worry.