SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

One of the worst things about affairs in the modern era is the stupidity of nudes/sex tapes on phones. I know for a fact that my WW made sex clips with her AP on his phone, and that she sent him pictures of her to him, and it’s just like, why not. I want to scream at her for being so stupid. She is trying hard to sell me that AP deleted them out of respect for her…yeah, right. That was part of the NC phone call, to delete anything from the A. I’m really angry about it, she just went along with it and didn’t even think for a second how making a few porn scenes might come back to hurt me, our kids, her. And she tells me she was never going to leave me for him, (yay me I won the prize of an unfaithful wife) but then why make sex tapes? It’s all so stupid. I just found out that when she restarted her affair (which I know the date and details) it involved a sex clip. That is new news to me. Which is why I am so pissed.

And it’s great, this asshole has vids of my wife doing whatever and I’m supposed to just be ok. I’ll sleep better because he promised to delete it. Thanks. I feel so much better. Damnit all.

And yes I’m in R, but man there are days when I want to cut all ties. My WW is trying, I still don’t know what the hell got in her head. SAHM of 5 young kids and she still found time to cheat on me.

I’m sure I’m not alone. To those who are trying to r, how the hell do you work through the very real fact that AP has sex/nudes of your spouse to do with whatever they want?

I just found out that when she restarted her affair

What makes you so sure she’s a good candidate for R?

She restarted her A? And made a sex tape then? Wow, thats a hard slap in the face. How sid she explain that?

What is she doing to fix herself?

As far as the porn she created, a minor consolation is there is so much porn out there that there's little doubt that your WWs videos would stand out in any significant way at all.

Who is a "candidate for r"? A liar, a deceiver and someone who had no problem with a double life? Someone who lied, gaslit, abused the person they swore to love and support above all others? And most of us have at least two DDays, and usually dday 2 is discovering the affair didn’t end on dday 1, and they there is so much more than we originally thought. Yet almost all BSs here who are attempting R are trying with these circumstances.

TRDD,

She ended the PA when i discovered evidence that she was way past "just friends". That was DDAY 1. The EA/A was still going strong, she refused NC at the time, and of course it went to the natural conclusion, and it went back to PA about 1 month after. On dday 1 I suspected but didn’t know full details. Typical cheater handbooks after dday 1, she made sure to gaslight me and make me feel like I was the bad guy. After dday 2 (her confession) I’ve found out that she restarted PA and now just recently found out that when it was restarted it was recorded by AP.

She hasn’t given me any explanation for it being recorded as of yet.

Who is a "candidate for r"?

WS who has gone permanent NC. Person who is not TTing. People who are remorseful of their actions and are doing the heavy work to save marriage. Person who admits and own their decisions to betray their partner. People who take the initiative to help heal their partners. People who are mindful of their partners' source of pain and triggers and attempts to avoid those sources as much as possible. There are plenty of other things that make WS candidates for reconciliation.

Is your wife doing any of these things??

Your frustration really resonates with me.

We teach our own kids to be careful what they post and what they share online. Yet grown ass adults allow pics or video of themselves or even send pics and video of themselves to others.

The naivete and poor judgement is shocking.

It shouldn't be. Cheaters are already showing incredibly poor judgement and lack of restraint already. Yet, this creates a permanent image record of it--a record that could come back to haunt them at any point later on (as you point out). They hand their AP ammunition for future revenge.

It's just more evidence of the messed up decision making waywards are capable of.

I imagine that must be a truly terrible feeling. I agree with lurking soul that the real question is whether they are taking the initiative to help you heal. There are HUGE indignities visited on everyone who has been betrayed. Every one of my husband’s colleagues and all of our friends know that he cheated on me with his secretary in an ongoing way. If I let it be humiliating it can be. I just dont really give a flying f what those people think. I don’t mean to equate that to what it must be like to know that these images of your wife exist. It must feel like it makes the experience live on. My husband goes to work every day and sits in the office where he made out with his secretary. When he is sitting in those chairs I can become obsessed with looking at his location on find friends and knowing he is in that exact place. It is hugely triggering, happens every single day, and is unavoidable because we need the money to pay for 3 kids in college. He struggles to understand why I expect him to play an ACTIVE role in helping me survive this situation. I hope your wife is showing the initiative. You deserve that.

BreakingBad is so right that WS are masters at terrible decision making. It is beyond the pale how bad their judgement can be in terms of putting their families’ lives in harms way. I imagine getting to point where you can treat them like a real grown up is a necessary goal. How do you trust the judgement of someone who has made mistakes on this scale.

It sounds like you are trying to make this work and are just at times in disbelief that you are being asked to eat this sh#$ sandwich. Godspeed to you. Take care of yourself well, you deserve it.

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 4:46 PM, Friday, August 4th]

I'm sorry you have to deal with real movies. That could easily be a deal killer - but with 5 little kids, D is very difficult unless you can afford 2 households and help.

I think many of us would agree that your sitch is extremely difficult.

*****

Who is a "candidate for r"?

BSes MUST set boundaries. For many of us, a 2nd d-day crosses into definite D territory.

*****

We used to talk here about requirements for R; that was years ago. The outline used to be:

NC - no contact

Transparency - WS keeps BS informed of location, companions, and activities at virtuallu all time; BS has access to WS's media (computer, phone) at all times

Honesty - answers all questions truthfully, no more lies

IC for WS - almost universally accepted as a requirement by BSes here

IC for BS - if/when BS wants it

MC - controversial - some BSes argue MC only after IC has taken hold; others argue a good MC is useful earlier. A 'good MC' deals with the BS's thoughts and feelings about the A before anything else and places responsibility for the A on the WS, not on the M or any supposed 'unmet need'.

Other requirements as negotiated - date nights, sex, chores, etc.

I based my thinking about R on those requirements because I thought they were great.

I urge you to list your requirements for R and get your WS's buy-in IF you can actually D if your WS won't meet them. Again, with 5 little kids, I understand it's extremely difficult to D, which makes the requirements less effective than they ordinarily are.

Are you certain this A is even over? WS's are really good at hiding things. My xWS told me he ended it too with a phone call to the MOW which lasted 15 minutes and I found out contact resumed months later. When I started tracking everything he went and got a burner phone. Be on the lookout for that one. You can always plant a voice recorder in the car. My xWS did not stop seeing MOW no matter how much he cried we were in R until my Final D-Day which I found out he had been seeing her for 2 more years

Does the OM have a partner or wife. Have you told the OBS. Sometimes this ends the A (it didn't in my case as the MOW left her husband and continued to see my xWS).

I would proceed with my eyes wide open. A's that don't end on D-Day tend to have repeats.

Rereading my posts, I see that that I haven’t painted the best picture of my situation. I was really pissed and in a bad place yesterday.

The A ended about 14 months ago with DDAY2/WW confessing to everything. DDAY 1 was about 20 months ago where I discovered evidence that her and AP had been way way to close. Truth was it was full blown A by the time I found evidence and had been for about 4 months prior.

For the most part everything has been laid out, but there have been a few inconsistencies. She admitted to making vids and what they were back on DDAY 2, but it was framed as it all happened prior to dday 1. Some other things didn’t add up and I asked her again about when/where yesterday and that is when I found out that when she restarted the PA (and I know she restarted that aspect) was filmed by AP. And

To give her credit she is trying to make this right and be a safe partner, I was just really angry about the new information, especially this late past dday2.

I have no evidence that she has contacted AP after 2, and we have moved since then so I know she hasn’t seen him. Plus she did the whole tracking/360 thing and I have few other things in place so I know she hasn’t seen him.
As far as trying to R, she really has been trying hard to fix herself and fix this mess she put us in.

I built my own timeline off of everything I put together, which at the time I thought was good enough, but now I’ve demanded that she gives me a full detailed breakdown.

Sission,

D isn’t ideal, i have made peace that it may happen, and I have made many plans and have everything in place if I do. I do well enough that it won’t be the worst thing financially, but I sure as hell will be sad about not being with my kids plus the effects it will have on them. I am not in R for my kids, but they are a huge factor.

Crazyblind,

I’m not letting my guard down, as she already did the whole false R once and said all of the right things, cried, told me she would never hurt me again etc. words are meaningless still, only her consistent actions have made me less wary. I have many tools in place so that if she strays again I will know.

Truthfully I made this post because I was in a bad place and just needed to vent to people who actually understand this awful situation