SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi,
Found about 6 weeks ago that my now husband had a fling 10 years ago before we married. We had 2 small kids and things were not great, while I gritted my teeth to get through it he I now know went elsewhere. Unfortunately she also fell pregnant and he only found out once the child was born. This was kept secret from me, she blackmailed him for money threatening to tell me. Anyway, I have found out, had I found out when it happened I would have left him but 10 relatively happy years of
Marriage later I am not prepared to throw away my marriage. He has little to no contact with the mother/child. When will it start to hurt less? I veer between being ok and feeling physically sick. He has basically
Put it behind him as a total mistake. I went to see a councillor a few times but didn’t feel they was helping. My children do not know. I’m just at a total loss and would appreciate some advice. Thank you

Hi, welcome to SI. Glad you found us, so sorry for the reason why. I'm so so sorry you are going through this nightmare.

Out of curiosity, did your husband ever get a DNA test done on the child? How did you find out?

What he did is not a mistake, a mistake is forgetting to drop something off at the post office or forgetting an item at the store. An affair is a series of conscious decisions. If this child is truly his, he kept this secret for a decade basically living a lie.

Has he given you a timeline of the affair and the aftermath of contact with this woman?

IMO, you need counseling with a good counselor who will help you navigate these emotions. Sometimes you have to try two or three to find the right fit. You've just had a nuclear bomb dropped on your life, you need to sort through the aftermath.

Has your husband met with an attorney in case this woman decides to sue for more money which could affect your family?

What's your husband's excuse for keeping this secret for so long? To protect you? Or protect himself?

Hi
Thanks for replying. I’ve seen the child - definately his. No, he’s not taken a DNA or on the birth certificate.
He kept it secret as he knew it would ruin us - if situations had not occurred he would have made sure I never found out. 10 years ago it would have, now I’d like to think we can somehow get through it.
He is very much a compartmental person, locks things in boxes and moves on. Yes, it was a casual hook up 5/6 times over a couple of months. Timeline adds up with what I sort of thought at the time but was in denial about. Never had overnight stays - always came home but in my heart I knew something was up. He’s a very emotionally immature man, I’d offended him so like a child went and found someone to cheer him up - realised he’d made a mistake, ended it, proposed to me and we got married.

Sorry should add - not in the US - private maintenance agreement.
I found out as she had asked for more money which he refused so she called the CSA in the UK, they happened to call right when I was sat next to him, I just knew something was up. He carried on denying until I prized it out of him.

You're not alone.

My usual advice is figure out what you want. If you think you want to spend the rest of your life together, figure out if your WS is a good candidate for R. If you don't want R or if he's not a good candidate, it's probably time to dump him.

Also, if you go down the list of forums, you'll see 'I Can Relate'. One thread is https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/660527/for-those-who-found-out-years-later-part-2/. The posts in that thread (and Part 1) may help you understand what you're going through.

As for how long you'll need to heal, no one can know until you've done it, but if you stay honest with yourself, you will heal. It'll take longer than you want it to take, but you will heal.

I had somewhat of a similar situation, I found out 10 years into my marriage to my wife that she had multiple one night stands (ONS). Had I known there was no way I propose to her. I feel like she rewrote my history and stole my life but being that I had 2 children under 3 yrs of age I toughed it out. I probably should have left because it still destroys me. There is a thread for those who found out much later on another forum that might be helpful. I must add that my wife's then girlfriend's hook ups were usually after some kind of fight or argument which caused like a one week break up kind of thing but I asked her before I proposed and she swore on a stack of bibles and her mothers soul so the lying thing doesn't help. Good luck.

PS The thread for those who found out much later is under the I can relate forum.

[This message edited by shouldofleft at 5:54 PM, Tuesday, August 29th]

Welcome to SI and sorry that you had to find us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that you might find helpful. Also, the Healing Library is another treasure trove of information, including a list of the acronyms we use. In the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there are some threads you might want to read, as one includes when there's an OC (other child).

You may want to Google "sunk cost fallacy". Just because you've invested 10 years doesn't mean you have to stay. I filed for D the week before my 34th anniversary because staying married to XWH wasn't worth my self-esteem and happiness for the rest of my life.

a total mistake

An A is not a mistake - it is an untold number of conscious decisions to lie, cheat, and betray. Just because one IC (individual counselor) wasn't a good fit, you try several to find one that is a good fit.

You might find IC valuable to help you work through your feelings. What do you want? This may be a good time to take stock of your M. There are members where an OC was a deal-breaker and have D. You don't have to decide today. You may want to visit a lawyer/solicitor to see where things would stand if you did D. Knowledge is power.

Danicass

So sorry to hear you're going through this.

I too am going through something very similar currently & also in the UK.

This is my first post/comment

I don't feel ready to share my story publicly just yet.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:56 PM, Thursday, August 31st]