SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi guys, first post here. I am the wayward spouse, I won't go into detail as I don't think it's particularly relevant to this. Also just wanted to preface this by saying I am absolutely not trying to use the following as any kind of excuse/reason for cheating. It's totally unrelated, and just something that I've started considering after our relationship changed due to my cheating. I am aware that it will come across as cold, so I apologise if any BS' wonder here and read this.

Just as a pretext, I'm in my mid thirties now and I haven't done a lot with my life. I got kinda stuck in a low paying job for way too many years, and me starting to earn a bit more money actually coincided with my relationship starting, which then led to marriage. I basically wasted my 16-26 years doing nothing meaningful other than drinking with friends.

So DDay was about 4 months ago. I love my wife and our family, which also includes her child from another relationship, that I have essentially raised from about a year old. Since Dday, obviously things have changed a lot. I am racked with guilt over what I have done to my wife, and how devastated she is. She is a self respecting woman, so obviously expects a lot from me to try and fix this if she is going to stay together. I have been trying to do the work, some periods have been better than others as my effort levels fluctuate. This is in terms of efforts to try and help her heal and feel better and do the things she has asked me for. I struggle with making a sustained effort all of the time. In terms of safety, I have given her full access to my phone (though I admit to getting annoyed when she looks at it, though I try to hide and internalise this as I know it's my past habits creating anxiety/paranoia around it), I haven't watched any porn since the boundary was set a little after Dday (I do admit my porn use had been going from manageable to a problem which didn't help with my issues). After trickle truthing for a while, I have stopped lying and make an active effort to be completely honest both with anything she asks me and proactively, though I have not told her about these feelings. I am going to therapy, although the frequency has had to be reduced due to cost. We have had quite a lot of big arguments in which I am told to find another place to live, only for this to be changed a day or 2 later, which is I guess to be expected.

The problem is, after being made to confront the possibility of leaving and being on my own, I started considering the fact that it may not be a bad thing. There's obviously the thought of how hard I am finding doing the work, plus the fact that the relationship will never be the same, and I would understandably never have a high level of freedom ever again. I also find myself thinking of how freeing I would find being on my own, and getting the chance to do things I wouldn't otherwise get to, such as travel, going to watch sports regularly, play more video games etc. I also struggle with understanding why she wants to stay, and struggling to see a bright and happy future together (for both of us, not just me). I can't help but think she will be miles better off without me dragging her down, being selfish, and just all round being a bad partner plus the paranoia she will no doubt always feel about my fidelity. And I know with 100% certainty that she can do a lot better than me.

That said, I do really love her and I find myself thinking things like "well I wouldn't ever want to be in a relationship with anybody else" and despite my infidelity suggesting otherwise, I was always happy in our marriage and with my life. We also did split for about a year a while ago, and I was distraught the entire time. So I'm also trying to look at the bigger picture, and I think I could just be suffering from a case of "the grass is greener" thinking, as she has told me in the past that I tend to focus on the negative and what is missing rather than the positive and what we have, and I know this is true. It's probably also mixed up in what I'm increasingly starting to think might be some level of mid life crisis.

So I guess I'm just looking for some thoughts/advice. I'm having a hard time figuring out whether this is something I actually want, or if this is just me trying to look for the easy way out, and running away from the work and being accountable. Running away from the consequences of my actions. I also struggle with the guilt of not only what I've done, but also the fact I am feeling this way. Does the fact that I am not 100% committed to doing the work for her mean I should let her go for her own sake? The last thing I want to do is hurt her more than I already have.

I removed the stop sign just simply because I don't want to hide away from any scorn, and think some hard truths may actually be beneficial to me. I do just want to mention thought that I recognise this post probably seems to lack emotion. If I tried to go through everything it would probably be a mile long (and it's already a long one!) so I've tried to just present it as logically as I can.

You are supposed to change for YOU, and the result is you then become a safer partner. If you do not want to commit to that, then it would be better to be honest with your partner. I am a BS and if my WH isn't in 100% well then I'd rather he just leave me with my peace.

Hi there

I'm not sure what the timescale is here, but here's some feedback and advice.

First, it's great that you're here. I really hope you take a lot of time to read because the things you will learn here are amazing. On the Waywards forum there's a thread called "what I had to accept" by DaddyDom. Reading that a few times will probably help you understand better where the journey goes from here.

Starting with your wife's perspective, I think you're (not a criticism), about a million miles from understanding and empathy. I was a self respecting woman too. Ego is the least of her worries right now. If you love her, please don't leave her alone in this.

Whether you choose to stay or go, you've damaged her in ways you (and probably she) can't understand and you will both need to accept that. The question is whether you commit completely to the work of healing, and as the PP said - that is a gift to YOU.

Healthy people who are a bit bored and dissatisfied don't have affairs. It might make them value their life less and make it feel more worthy of risking; but the act of infidelity should be unthinkable to a healthy person. Your decision for YOU is if you want to move ahead with your life as a damaged, weak, selfish man looking for external solutions to internal problems. Or, if you're a courageous man who makes a choice to love HIMSELF and live this one life with integrity and pride in himself.

In short, you do the work for you. When you make that choice its not a burden or something you feel is a punishment. It becomes a gift. And from there, you're on solid ground to make it right with yourself and move forward into a fulfilling life.

I can't tell you whether to reconcile or not. If you choose to commit to it, I can tell you that the people here will support you. The other thing I can tell you is that unless you see the opportunity as a gift and give it your all, you will damage your wife even more.

You are at a crossroads in your life. It sounds like you've got some regrets and disillusionment with life and maybe feel like you've wasted some of it. So decide who you want to be. Decide completely. And then decide whether that's going to be what your wife deserves.

There's obviously the thought of how hard I am finding doing the work, plus the fact that the relationship will never be the same, and I would understandably never have a high level of freedom ever again. I also find myself thinking of how freeing I would find being on my own, and getting the chance to do things I wouldn't otherwise get to, such as travel, going to watch sports regularly, play more video games etc.

I'm a madhatter or MH for short, which means that I am both a wayward and betrayed spouse. Yeah, in maybe more layman's terms, I have cheated on my wife and she has cheated on me. I've ridden the mechanical bull of infidelity and I've also been the bull myself at times to use an analogy. There is no good way to slice it, it is a terribly crappy situation for all involved. However, I read your post and the above quoted passage really stood out to me.

My wife are a couple of years into recovery, as late 2019 / early 2020 were the discovery and very intense periods of our marriage. So now, with about three years behind us, we are by no means perfect, but I really want to push back on your thinking about "freedom".

With regards to my own affair and also myself, I was always putting on a different face for a different audience. When I evaluated my behaviors, I was a textbook people pleaser and in there, I lost who I truly was, because I felt that I had to hide who I was from the world. What I mean by that, I'm a nerd, a badge that I own and wear now quite proudly, but that wasn't always the case. I have multiple degrees in biochemistry and chemistry, love science fiction especially Star Trek, I am a technology/computer junkie that runs my own home server for home automations and I am a rabid sports fan. Most, if not all of those things my wife had a sense of when she met me, but even from her, I kept some of that stuff more subdued or held back. One thought that jumped out as I read your post, I play more video games now post infidelity than I ever did before discovery. Heck, earlier this year, my wife bought a second PS5 for our bedroom because her and our son were playing my PS5 constantly and I could never use it.

I say this because I wanted to dispel the notion that post infidelity that you have no freedom. I think it is quite the opposite for me. I now let my freak flag fly 24/7/365 and it is the most freeing there is. I don't have to ever worry about what my wife will find on my phone because there is nothing there to hide from. I am not using any secret chat apps, or deleting text messages because of what they say. I manage a team of women, so my wife knows that I get messages from women from time to time after regular work ours and I have established strong boundaries with each of them. One of them texted me this past Saturday morning that she had lost her mother, which is of course an appropriate thing to let me know since she was telling me she wasn't going to be in this week. My wife was the first person I told of the news, because I also tell her when I get texts and I will show her. I've got nothing to hide from my wife and it is liberating. My wife encourages me to play my video games or go to the gym as I choose. It helps that our son is now middle school age so one of us can leave to go to the gym or to run a few quick errands and it is not a big deal like it was when he was younger.

I feel like I am proof positive that while your life in a reconciliation will be changing in some ways, that over time, you actually will feel much more free as you live an authentic life and you don't have to carry the burden of infidelity, which is a far heavier burden than any of us realize. My son and I sat down the other night to play a game of Madden NFL 24 and my wife was paying our bills and she needed one of those two factor authentication codes from an account that was always in my name. I handed her my phone and went to the bedroom to jump on the sticks. I am at the point now where half the benefit of the Apple Watch is to help me find my phone, because when we wrapped up our game and I was gonna head out to the gym, I completely forgot that she had my phone until I used my watch to beep my phone and it was on the other side of the house with her still. The freedom of not caring where your phone is and if your wife spends any time looking through it is just an indescribable feeling.

Hi, WS here.

As already highlighted, any changes you make, have to be for you. I read your post and am triggered by so much of it because this could have, in many ways, been written by me. I've thought on countless time that I should leave the marriage. The reality is of course I have never been in it. That said, I have been thinking about the thoughts behind leaving. I write this from a position of still having thoughts like this and still working on my own feelings

Cowardice - There is certainly an element of truth behind this for me. I was too scared to do the work, to dig deeply into my past choices. I have only recently started actually doing anything worthwhile and I am pretty awful at doing self reflection. I struggle with shame and I struggle in believing that I am actually the man who did all these awful things to my BS. It hurts, I also see the pain in my BS. I am often flooded with negative emotions and all too often chose to run away from them. I've told myself that "it will be fairer on BS if I leave". This is utterly selfish and indeed cowardly. Making these choices is controlling and me trying to make a decision on behalf of BS is utterly wrong. She need to have her agency.

Running away from the consequences of my actions

Oh yes, I've heard a lot that I need to face consequences. I need to face them head on and accept the reality of what I've done. This has been hard to deal with and running away was/is a default action. Often it was a physical running away, Nights in hotels or going to stay with my parents. now, more often, this is emotionally running away. While I am better, I need to improve a whole lot. It's difficult to advise on this, as for me at least, I just started changing. Probably due to seeing the amount of pain I was inflicting on BS and actually choosing to do the work properly and with the right intention. I'm slipping back and forth and this needs to stop.

(though I admit to getting annoyed when she looks at it, though I try to hide and internalise this as I know it's my past habits creating anxiety/paranoia around it)

This is a difficult one. I too have given my BS full access to my phone. e-mail, PC etc. I no longer get annoyed or upset when she does look, but when I did, I too thought I was internalising. However BS saw all of my body language and saw clearly that I was upset she was looking. Honestly, I think most WS "think" they are helping the situation by internalising, we don't. When it upsets you, say so. In a sympathetic and compassionate way. Talk around why you're feeling upset. This might help you feeling the way you do and should help BS see that you're now acting in a more open and honest way. Discussing your feelings, even the negative ones, is important.

I'm having a hard time figuring out whether this is something I actually want, or if this is just me trying to look for the easy way out, and running away from the work and being accountable.

A huge question, one that only you can truly answer. I am working on challenging my negative self talk. I ask myself if my thoughts are "fact" or "opinion". For example "I would be happier if I were single" Challenge this. Would you really? Has this thought come of the back of an argument? What really is the benefit of splitting up? Keep digging. You mentioned "is the grass greener" I was talking to a guy on a call this week. He answered that question quite well. If the grass is greener, it could be because you neglected your own grass, focus on this and water it together, make your grass green again (he said it a lot more eloquently, but hopefully you get the point). Challenge every thought you have. I know this can become overwhelming at times, but stick with it. I struggle with negative thoughts. There are times they take over, anxiety is a nightmare, one that I need to keep working on.

Does the fact that I am not 100% committed to doing the work for her mean I should let her go for her own sake?

Not your choice. That is for her to decide. However, you cannot be not 100%. REALLY you can't. I say this with both experience and a massive pile of hypocrisy. I'm not there yet either. Battling against myself. I have support from IC and BS. I should seek more support from here too, but I think in many ways I know exactly what people are going to say, so why ask a question? WE need to make the choice of 100% all in or get out.

Look, you're on SI. This is a good thing. Stick with it, 4 months since d-day is not very long at all. All you thoughts are likely to be all over the place. Stick with counselling and seed support here. Most importantly keep focussed on you and the changes you need to make you a safer person. You cannot make decisions on behalf of your BS.

BS here - (Context: WH had a 2+ year A with a co-worker including over a year where I had found out and he continued the A while lying to me and telling me it was over - things were U.G.L.Y. for quite some time for us - we divorced but are still friends and are now dating but do not live together).

Quick thought when I read this, which I have broken in half for ease of reference:

The problem is, after being made to confront the possibility of leaving and being on my own, I started considering the fact that it may not be a bad thing. There's obviously the thought of how hard I am finding doing the work, plus the fact that the relationship will never be the same, and I would understandably never have a high level of freedom ever again. I also find myself thinking of how freeing I would find being on my own, and getting the chance to do things I wouldn't otherwise get to, such as travel, going to watch sports regularly, play more video games etc.

I also struggle with understanding why she wants to stay, and struggling to see a bright and happy future together (for both of us, not just me). I can't help but think she will be miles better off without me dragging her down, being selfish, and just all round being a bad partner plus the paranoia she will no doubt always feel about my fidelity. And I know with 100% certainty that she can do a lot better than me.

In response to paragraph 2 above - my WH admits he used to think about this all the time. My response to you is to NOT worry about why your BS may or may not want to stay - that is your BS's choice. Infidelity for a BS makes you feel like so many of your choices were taken away by lies. Don't take something else away from your BS, even with good motives. They will stay because they want to. That may change or it may not. Trust your BS to make their own decisions.

In response to paragraph 1 above, in the context of your whole post, it sounds to me like paragraph 1 is an excuse to take the "easy way out" especially as it sound like having split up once before you did NOT like it. So don't. Not now. Give you and your BS some time. Work though the hard part (it is work for sure) - your relationship will NOT be the same - ever. Here's a bonus - you may find, if you do things right, that no relationship you have will be the same after this. I know most BS's feel that way. But not the same doesn't mean all worse, or all better - it can but what it really means is different. (Note - my WH said a lot of the same that you said above...but see where we are now...)

After 2.5 years of A/False R which ended in 2019 my WH and I terminated our marriage and I moved several days drive away. We are rebuilding our friendship (in fact I would say we have rebuilt our friendship - it's just growing now) and we are dating, casually, due to the distance and because it feels nice. It's a weird situation as most on this site don't end up where I am now - but that's okay. My WH's physical A started in 2017, and the inappropriate flirting and whatnot started in 2016. In 2019 when it all blew up a final time I was DONE. He was DONE. We were DONE. Like for sure 100% done, but as it turns out, we weren't. He decided to figure out why he did what he did - like the real why's - not the I like married girls because they won't blow up my own marriage, or I like married girls who send me endless videos of themselves shaving their genital area and talking dirty to me - the why when she started flirting with me did I not shoot it down immediately "saying, hey I'm married and you're married to my best friend - this isn't right" or whatever. What inside of him decided to pursue it...and.....why?

I could say a lot more but you get the picture. I could be wrong about what you are saying but it sure sounds like you don't really want to leave. And think of this: your BS is giving you a chance right now despite what you did and you want to do her a favor and reject that and run away so you can play more video games? Not trying to be harsh - so please don't take it that way - that is just where my mind went when I read your post.

That being said - if you get to the point were you are 100% SURE you don't want to stay, do not string your BS along.

You've received some really great advice so far. I'm glad you're here. I think your post sounds like you've got the aptitude to be honest with yourself and honest with your partner.

I say this because I wanted to dispel the notion that post infidelity that you have no freedom. I think it is quite the opposite for me. I now let my freak flag fly 24/7/365 and it is the most freeing there is.

YES. THIS. I think the main goal of recovery work is authenticity and transparency. In every regard. With each other and with ourselves. And by transparency, I don't just mean being accountable, I mean sharing your thoughts and feelings in real time. Our MC trained us to be transparent with the smallest thoughts, and that gradually morphed into being comfortable sharing the big stuff. We started with the tiniest things. I remember the very first one. We were in the cereal aisle at Costco and I told my H that I bought him Frosted Mini Wheats because I knew that he liked them and it felt good to do small things for him. It sounds silly, but I had always just bought the cereal, but never told him what goes on in my head. Daily, we have conversations about the paths our thoughts take, and our insecurities, and what we love about each other, what annoys us, why we do certain things, etc. These conversations foster true intimacy.

We now have separate AND connected lives. I travel with my girlfriends; he spends a lot of time running a veterans organization. I do what I want to do, he does what he wants to do, and we do what we want to do together. And we communicate about what we need to do to stay connected and keep each other in the loop. It takes a bit of trial and error and time to figure out how to make that work well, but we allow each other to be who we are and it's freeing and comfortable.

Even almost two decades past DDay, I still have thoughts about how much easier it would be to be on my own and be able to do what I want and not have to deal with the annoyance of living with someone else who leaves their laundry on the floor and requires attention from me when I just want to play Animal Crossing. But then I think about all the things that I would lose being by myself. The companionship, the friendship, family, holidays, tenderness when I'm feeling down, the partnership of running our home, etc. Don't discount the value of belonging somewhere. Belonging with her and your child.

It takes a lot of time, commitment, and quite a bit of effort, but it doesn't have to be a grind. I find it exhilarating and liberating to do the work of individual counseling and marriage counseling. I like discovering why I am the way that I am, and what makes him tick. The way you write, I think you might too. I say give it a shot, and invite her in to do the same.

To be honest, when I got to the point where I seriously started to consider leaving, was when I made my biggest break-throughs. It's when my empathy came back.

The thing is, up until that point, I had been doing everything I could to control the outcome(s). I wanted her to stay, I wanted her to love me again, I wanted it to be like it used to be... however if you count the number of "I wanted's..." in that sentence, then maybe you'll begin to understand that it was still all about me. What I wanted. I didn't know what she wanted because I never asked her. I just assumed that she wanted those things too, and I also assumed that was what was best for her. That's the selfish state of mind that most WS's get stuck in.

When I started to finally question if I should leave, if I was just an anchor weighing her down, was when things changed. To be honest, the narrative that had been reverberating around in my skull was that I was simply never going to be happy ever again. I realized that no matter how things ended, I'd lose. At the time, she hated my guts, and was ready to leave as soon as our daughter graduated high school. I knew that if we stayed together in that kind of toxic relationship, that it would be awful. On the other hand, I was terrified, terrified to the point of feeling incapable, of living alone, on my own, with no one to give a damn about me.

And that's when the first empathetic thought came back to me. And that thought, was simply, that SHE deserved to be happy. And you'll notice there is no "I want" in that statement. It was, finally, all about her. Which is what it needed to be all along.

To be fair, it wasn't that clean and simple. There was a part I skipped. Going back to the point above, where I was terrified of living alone, I had a breakthrough. In my head, I had started to try and visualize what my life would be like without her. More specifically, what it would be like to live on my own. I was very concerned about my own decision making. I worried that I might just fall apart from the thought of loneliness, and that might lead me to start dating again way too soon. I figured I'd accept the first person who didn't reject me, and end up in a crappy relationship again. Or worse, that no one would ever want me again, and that I'd live my life alone, in a small room, breathing in and out day by day until I got lucky enough to die and end my misery. Not pretty thoughts, certainly not comforting ones.

But here's the thing. Life at the time, after D-day, was just so goddamn awful. It was painful, every single day, all day. There was no love, no joy, no hope really. I have suffered all kinds of abuse, neglect and emotional trauma in my life... more than my fair share. But the aftermath of infidelity was the worst I have ever felt. Ever. I was sick of feeling that way. More than that, I started to realize that I was sick of making HER feel like that. My existence complicated everything. I tried to picture what HER life would be like if I left. And I realized that... she'd be okay. She was the breadwinner in the house, so money wasn't something she needed from me. She had a group of friends to support her. Our two older kids were from a previous marriage and would stick with her. And she's a force of nature. Yes, she'd be incredibly hurt, but she wouldn't allow that to stop her from finding joy again. And I knew she would, be happy again, without me.

Without ME.

She'd find someone new. I know this because she's beautiful and strong and smart and amazing. She'd find a man who isn't broken, a man who is capable of true love, a man that didn't make her feel rejected and unloved... and as much as it hurt to think it, I knew that she simply deserved that happiness. And that I was keeping her from it by sticking around.

I had cheated on her. I destroyed everything, her world, my world, the kids world. And yet, here I was, still hanging around, still asking for love from her, from the kids... you know, all the people I just shit all over, and then didn't have the decency to just leave.

Again, re-read what I wrote and you'll notice that the "I want's" are entirely gone, and the "she deserves" replaced them. It wasn't that I didn't want to be happy, and thought of someone else loving her killed me in ways I cannot describe. But that didn't matter. Those things were my consequences for what I had done. I had earned my misery. But not the right to make her miserable too.

I dunno. I don't even know where I'm going with this. The point is, when you get to the point where you are capable of empathy again, it changes everything. It stops the constant shame spiral. Not being weighed down with selfish thoughts about my own desires actually opened up space and time in my heart to think about other people instead. And guess what? I'll tell you a secret. People really appreciate it when you stop being a self-absorbed piece of shit, and show them some understanding and empathy. In fact, if you truly own your shit, AND show empathy... they tend to forgive you. Surprisingly, they may even forgive you for things you haven't forgiven yourself for. Because all they ever wanted was for you to admit and own your shit.

We're at a very different place now in our lives, and in our relationship. Yeah, things are still tough, and sad, and confusing a little bit. But it's a "normal" level of worry, more like worrying about whether it's going to rain or not, instead of soul-killing pain 24x7. Talking about the affair is easy now, comforting even. We talk about things, how we feel, what we want, and how those things effect both of us. We do everything together. We've moved several times, and are now in the process of planning our retirement years together.

I'm not sure how to advise you. The thing is, this is MY story. Not yours. If you really don't love her, or really can't be faithful, then do the right thing and allow her go be with someone who CAN give her those things, because she deserves it.

But also allow this to be a catalyst in YOUR life. Stay or go, it doesn't matter, you still HAVE to do the work on yourself, or you remain broken. So don't allow yourself to think that, "Oh, if I leave, then I don't have to do all this hard work". That's bullshit. That's like an alcoholic that got busted for a DUI thinking, "Oh, I'll just move somewhere else where they don't know I'm a drunk". It doesn't fix the problem, it just relocates it. Until you do the work, you remain a danger to your family, to future relationships of any kind, and most of all, to yourself. You also deserve happiness! And the only person stopping you, is you. Learn to love yourself, truly, and all that fog and pain go away, like magic. Self-respect is like a shield that protects you. It makes the path clear in most situations. You choose the right thing to do, the things that allow you to respect yourself. When you live your life respecting yourself, there is no need for shame, and no reason to wallow in guilt. Instead, you do better. You become a better person. And the world becomes a better place as a result.

Good luck.

Hi guys, I dropped this thread before I went away so didn't have much time to get on and respond, though I did read the first few replies before I left too. Thank you so much for all the great, insightful replies. It feels like some of you completely nailed me, which I guess helped me feel seen. The replies helped, and I took to heart the reply from Bulcy about challenging self negative talk and this is something I have been trying to put into practise. I am aware it will be a process and there will be lulls, but as of now it's helping me just feel much better about the situation and the future because I'm challenging the self pitying assumptions that I'm making of what life would be like both with and without my wife. I am trying to appreciate and take comfort in the positives rather than constantly focusing on the negatives.

I think one of the things I am struggling with is just figuring out who I am, what I want, what I'm passionate about etc. It is something that got highlighted in therapy, that I am very passive and just go along rather than asserting myself, and I am used to pushing down my feelings to the point where I feel like I never truly feel strongly about ANYTHING. Or well, I rarely do anyway. Did anybody face this period of self reflection after everything came out? It's really the first time I've confronted or even put thought into this part of myself, as I have always just gone along with the narrative that I am laid back and easygoing. Any advice/tips on this side of things would be really helpful.

I think one of the things I am struggling with is just figuring out who I am, what I want, what I'm passionate about etc. It is something that got highlighted in therapy, that I am very passive and just go along rather than asserting myself, and I am used to pushing down my feelings to the point where I feel like I never truly feel strongly about ANYTHING. Or well, I rarely do anyway. Did anybody face this period of self reflection after everything came out? It's really the first time I've confronted or even put thought into this part of myself, as I have always just gone along with the narrative that I am laid back and easygoing. Any advice/tips on this side of things would be really helpful.

I am not a WS but my WH certainly is and I asked him about this (he does not post on here but we do discuss these topics from time to time and if I ask, nowadays, he normally will answer). His response was that he faced a lot of self reflection after the A was over, and that it was hard to accept. He realized that he projected self confidence (I certainly would have told you he was very confident) but that he really had very low self esteem, was unsure of himself, and constantly sought validation that he was "good enough." That after years of IC, he reluctantly believes that he sought (and still very much enjoys) validation because he received so little from his mother and basically none from his dad - ever (reluctantly because he hated to thing his parents had such an influence on his whole life - he is not close with them and I think it bothers him that their affect still lingers so long after he moved away).

I'm not sure what advice/tips you are looking for but hopefully this bump will get some other posters involved.

Ask yourself - what are you really hiding from?