SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was shocked to find out a few weeks ago my husband (where can I learn the abbreviations) has been seeing escorts for a few months. Right after vacations, graduations- important and loving family celebrations. We have two college aged children. We've had a wonderful life and I was looking forward to growing older together. He admitted everything, immediately went into Therapy, Coaching, full disclosure of phones etc. I guess you'd say he is doing all the right things. Apparently this is all built up trauma, including long haulers covid, childhood trauma and more. This lead to porn during the lockdown and now this. When I found the appt confirmation on his phone I started shaking. I was in shock. I confronted him immediately and the next day went for STD testing and a boozy lunch with a friend. Ive spoken with a lawyer. I am in counseling. All the THINGS but am just still in shock that the man I have loved for 25 years has gone down this road.....we have a beautiful life. When he talks about his own healing and building a new relationship I get angry- I was happy! I did my "work" and healing years ago and have been committed to this family. In some ways, I suppose my strength has been holding us all together ......now Im frustrated in limbo while he gets help. I'm supposed to wait and see if he sticks with "the work" and then we can go to marriage counselling. So....sit around and wait for him. It feels so unfair. I have the tools I need and am taking care of myself but Ive lost weight (that I didnt need to) and feel myself isolating from friends. He's doing well in his recovery- but Im resentful that it's all at my expense

No idea if Im doing this correctly and just letting words come out unedited - my brain hasn't functioned right in weeks. Thanks for listening

[This message edited by SatyaMom at 12:11 PM, Tuesday, September 26th]

I am sure other people will weigh in soon. I just wanted to express empathy and let you know you have been heard.
This is very painful stuff and I am sorry you are going through it.

There is nothing just or fair about infidelity. One thing I discovered is that there is no pound of flesh, no sentence, no compensation that can make up for the injustice and make the betrayed spouse BS feel better...

I'm sorry you are here and under these circumstances. You are beginning a journey that you did not ask for. It will be hard work, and you will survive it. You sound like a strong woman from your post. There are great members here who will give you good advice. Read, post, digest. This site saved my sanity. Hope its a help to you.

Satya,

I am sorry you find yourself here. It’s a place where none of us ever wanted to be. The healing library has the abbreviations listed as well as lots of helpful reading.

Your reactions are normal. I’m glad you have a friend you can confide in while you are in these early weeks of trauma. I would recommend that you see an IC and maybe think about a prescription to help you emotionally for a while. You need to make sure you are eating and resting. You should stay away from alcohol for now.

An IC specializing in trauma can help you immensely. You don’t need to have the future figured out right now. You were smart to be tested for STDs and you may want to have additional tests in the following months to be safe.

Unfortunately the marriage that you had before is over. You will experience many emotions associated with grief of this loss. You can rebuild but it will take a long time and hard work.

Stay with us here and you will find excellent advice.

Sending Hugs S2D

Practically speaking as someone who has been in a similar place, I found food like protein shakes to be helpful as well as making sure I stay hydrated. Gentle trauma informed or comparable exercise like for me hiking and yoga.
Also individual counseling with someone who is trauma informed and who views infidelity as the abuse it is (does not blame the survivor). These were all helpful to me.

Welcome to SI and sorry for the circumstances that brought you here. The list of acronyms we use are in the Healing Library, which has a ton of great articles. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that can be helpful.

Apparently this is all built up trauma, including long haulers covid, childhood trauma and more. This lead to porn during the lockdown and now this.

These are just excuses and are not the reasons why he did this. There are several of us BSs (betrayed spouses) who went through the same thing or similar and didn't cheat.

There is no justice with infidelity. It is so painful. Take this time to figure out what you really want, whether to R (reconcile) or D (divorce). You don't have to wait around to see if he does the work. He broke the marriage vows.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal After Your Affair by Linda MacDonald is a pretty good blue print for your WH (wayward husband) to use. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

Thank you all for responding.....I am drinking smoothies, taking long walks in nature and yoga most days. one step at a time. Want to believe him. Also scared :(. Looking forward to exploring more...

I am so sorry you are going through this. I wanted to point out there is a thread for people who have been through similar and reading it might be helpful for you?

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/624030/emotionless-infidelity-part-4/

When he talks about his own healing and building a new relationship I get angry- I was happy! I did my "work" and healing years ago and have been committed to this family. In some ways, I suppose my strength has been holding us all together ......now Im frustrated in limbo while he gets help. I'm supposed to wait and see if he sticks with "the work" and then we can go to marriage counselling. So....sit around and wait for him. It feels so unfair.

It absolutely is unfair. Cheaters ask a lot of us when they ask for R. At the bottom line, no cheater is owed a second chance, no matter how sorry they or how much they might want it.

I think it's important to really sit with our choice for R. You've already seen an attorney, and that's very well done of you. There will come a point though when you'll need to embrace your choice to stay. Recognizing that you had a choice and that you made it freely can release you from feelings of victimization later on. None of us had a choice as to whether we were victimized by our WS's perfidy, but we all have a choice as to whether we'll remain in the victim role. Knowing that you are where you chose to be can make all the difference in the long run.

It's okay to step back and be noncommittal for awhile until you're really feeling your choice. When a WS wants R, they will often push really hard for commitment. You'll need to know at the end of the day that you took control of your destiny, seized your agency back from the person who took it, and acted in your own best interests. You can't fix him. Only he can do that. But you can fix YOU. Acknowledging choice can be the first step to reinvesting in yourself and what YOU want.

Sataya,
I’m so sorry you find yourself here. When I learned of my wife’s affair I was completely devastated. I used to think infidelity was a deal breaker, but when it actually happened to me, I had to keep as calm of a head as I could, and honestly evaluate my life with her. I feel like 80% of our life was great in things we liked to do, talk about, and generally enjoy each others company. The affair and the sex with the AP was maybe 20% of the damage. I couldn’t bring myself to kill our life together with such a large differential in good vs bad. That made me really want to try and reconcile. I’m 2-1/2 years out, still waiting for my wife to "get it" and begin to really show remorse and provide comfort that she is changing from a cheater to a safe partner. I can’t describe it, but I know it’s in there. I’m a patient individual, and I can endure a great deal of pain if I think the prize is worth it. I love her more than anything, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’ve been crushed, and I’m still suffering. But when you love someone you put their needs first. There is, however, a time limit to that and I have been mulling the idea over about separating to let her decide if I’m what she really wants, and is willing to put the effort in to keep me. You will most certainly have roller coaster feelings for a long time to come. It sucks, it’s not fair, but it’s the dish we’ve been served. Hang in there, we are here to support you. This place has become a safe haven for me and it will for you too. A final note, everyone’s situation is different, so take all advise that works for you. Sometimes you have to read between the lines here. Absorb it all, but only take what you need for your situation. Prayers to you.

Coping, I really like your post. You said it so well. Thanks it truly resonates with me!

Ugh. That sucks. I’m so sorry. Mine did anonymous hook ups (I guess at least it was for free, as opposed to paid with a pro- but really, every option here is a big shit show).

Yeah, I think I’d feel rather stabby if my WH told me he was looking forward to a new beginning with me. Happily, after ten years of this, mine has learned not to speak when I appear to be feeling stabby.

Anger has been my lifeline. It’s kept me from walking into the forest and never coming out. But hey, at least I’m still sort of here, right?

You don’t owe him anything. Do what’s best for you. After all, that’s what he did, right? What felt good for the moment? Maybe find your own moments of feeling good that you passed up before because you didn’t have time/money/wanted to spend it with family instead. Go take care of yourself and lick your wounds in private and get strong again.

I still feel gross thinking about it with mine. I’ll let you know when that passes, too.

I’m sorry, I get it. I recall a moment when mine told me (early on, while his head was still up his ass), "I just did it because I needed some affection."

lol, I’m pretty sure I broke some wedding crystal in the backyard as I scream/replied, "Yup, how did that fucking work for you?!?!? Here’s your mother fucking affection right here….” Pretty sure I grabbed my crotch as I said that. I was really angry. Like, I get why murders happen over this.

Sigh. I’m so sorry. Congratulations on finding the energy to post here. It gets different. Better might be a word, but I think different is a better word.

[This message edited by 3yrsout at 11:00 PM, Tuesday, September 26th]

Im reading every post......thank you all.....

I agree I need to own my decision to ...wait and see...and be open to reconciliation

I will say he is doing everything he can do....therapy, coaching, no drinking, taking care of himself and checking in with me multiple times a day....perhaps this was just a "moment" in our long marriage....a jolt back into reality. Therapy for his PTSD and just acknowledging he has work to do. No its not an excuse for his behavior, but understanding the psychology behind it is helpful.

Im forcing myself to get out of the house- seeing friends, going on a 4 day trip with a friend this weekend which I have NEVER done....doing the best I can and yes still feeling in limbo.

therapy, coaching, no drinking, taking care of himself and checking in with me multiple times a day....perhaps this was just a "moment" in our long marriage.

This is nice.

The minimum you should require for considering reconciliation:

Std testing. You too.

He answers all of your questions without anger or defensiveness. You will ask the same questions, for a long time,as your brain processes the trauma.

IC.

He is proactive in healing the damage he has caused you, himself, and the marriage.

Complete honesty at all times.

He finds a way to replace the marital money he used on prostitutes.

He gets rid of as many triggers as possible.

He is accountable for his time away from you.

He figures out why he cheated.

He is fully transparent. You get full access to all accounts and the phone. Passwords included.

And anything else you need to begin to feel safe.

Your job is to take care of yourself and watch his actions. His words mean nothing.

This wasn't just a moment in your marriage. A few of the things you've said indicate you want to minimize what he's done, and you may want to rugsweep.

Cheating is a choice. He made hundreds of decisions to wind up where he was. He didn't fall into it. He went looking for it.

If you sweep it under the rug, you won't heal. It will eat you alive. And the chance that he will do it again is sky high. The pain and shock of what he's done will diminish for him,and when things level out,he will do it again. He must do the work to change. Right now, he's a man who uses prostitutes. He needs to change into a man who doesn't. And saying he's sorry,and won't do it again, isn't enough.

Satyamom, I am sorry to welcome you to SI, the best site you never wanted to join. Some of us have had this sort of story, which is not the normal "affair" everybody else talks about. You are not alone, but I have to admit, before I discovered this site, I spent 15 years trying to find any kind of understanding, support, and/or answers to "Why?" SI even has 2 forums that deal with this in I Can Relate.

After my D-day in October 2002, I could never accept what my WH (Wayward Husband) keot telling me: that he just up and decided one day to do this kind of betrayal, especially after our happy 4 years of newlywed sexual bonding - or so I thought. In truth, I married a man who was unable to bond physically, likely the result of his long-buried childhood sexual abuse and feelings that left him with.

But I believed then and still think that you just don't go from marital fidelity to prostitutes in one easy step! There have to be many hidden steps along the way. Pornography habit is one. After 5 months of grilling my WH with questions, it came out he had hired many prostitutes over his life, way more times than what I discovered through a credit card statement. Eventually he admitted under questioning that his virginity was lost with a hooker at age 18! After intense MC sessions that ran 2 hours each for almost a year, I can't even say I really understood. But I learned there was a hell of a lot more to the "Why" question.

Not saying it would be the same for your H, but just be prepared for the possibility that he hasn't told you everything about this.

In the meantime, I hope you find a good Individual Counselor (IC) for yourself, to help you cope with this shock! Marriage Counseling (MC) is not designed for healing major trauma, although our MC tried, but of course it became all about my WH's issues, so I had nobody to turn to.

Again, I am so sorry!

Hellfire you said
that you felt I was minimizing and Im wondering if you can give me an example??

@superesse I do have an IC.....he also has an IC and yes this was a result of a porn issue that developed over COVID

I had 23 years and slightly different circumstances. However, the pain is like nothing else. I have a personal therapist which has been a huge help. Getting out of the house with friends and trying to engage in hobbies I love. All so easy to say, but really works.
Keep on fighting, after 2 months, I am finding I am getting stronger each day. Good luck and God bless.

thank you I am doing the same