SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

...with N years invested, financially entangled, socially entangled, three kids, still emotionally entangled, futures entangled, etc. etc., I beyond hesitated. I was scared shitless. It was overwhelming to consider divorce. So much to lose. So much work to be done. So much uncertainty and, I was in absolutely no shape to be taking confident action or showing any semblance of initiative, Independence, focus or pro-action. I was completely wrecked, mentally and emotionally disabled. It was all I could do just to remember to breathe, get my ass out of bed in the morning and eat. I was paralyzed by fear, embarrassment, denial, and absolute sadness-depression. Crippling depression.

I've never read a better description of a BS after d-day. I've never read one as good. You've certainly described my reaction accurately. Thanks.

I changed '23 years' to 'N years', because I think the description is valid for any number of years.

I think it applies to any BS who works to help maintain the family.

Thank you all for the replies. I am okay. It was a rough weekend with having to (very unexpectedly) make the decision to euthanize our dog. She was suddenly very sick and we found out she had a cancerous tumor in her chest. Since she was having difficultly breathing, we decided letting her go was the best thing for her. We were able to bring her home and bury her. It was a very emotional weekend with that added on top of everything else that has been going on. This week feels like it has been never ending.

I did have the D talk with him again Tuesday night. He couldn't seem to even say anything I needed to hear to even consider any other alternative. I let him know as much and that it was the only choice he was leaving me with. Since I had to work both of my jobs on Wednesday, I told him I would like to sit down Thursday night to start filling out D paperwork. I feel he needs to take part in that overwhelming process as well. He didn't say much.

He showed up at my second job Wednesday (I bartend) to eat and have a drink. I had a really busy day at job #1 and was feeling both emotionally and physically exhausted. Seeing him there (he comes in often when I work that job) was too much. I was on the verge of tears. I told him it was too hard for me to have him there. He was very hurt. I think things were really starting to hit home for him.

Yesterday, he told me they no longer had contact on TikTok. I asked if her # was blocked in his phone (although they don't have phone contact because he knows that will show up on the bill). He said not yet but he would do that. I know D is not what he wants. However, I cannot trust him at all right now. We never got to the paperwork. I plan to get it filled out but wait on filing. I want to have the security of being able to file it at any moment. I just am hesitant to move forward with that right now. I think I need to take a little more time before making that final decision. I'm mentally exhausted. It is overwhelming to think of all that needs to be done and all of the changes that it is going to bring.

((((Reagan)))) Our lives are so parallel its weird. Like you, my husband had an affair with his best friend's wife. It was right under my nose and her husband's nose and we never saw it coming. Was it because we are stupid? Absolutely not. When we marry someone, we don't ever anticipate they will betray us. Now add to that this person we love is capable of betraying his best friend as well. We are not wired to anticipate that. Even if I could entertain the notion that my husband could cheat on me, there was no way I could fathom it would be with the wife of his best friend since 8th grade. That makes us normal, not stupid.

Did I know something was wrong in our marriage? Yes, and we went to marriage counseling. And his best friend's wife babysat our daughter while we went to appointments. Who the hell does that? I'm glad I couldn't anticipate that, not ashamed.

What you are going through is a profound betrayal. You still love him. I loved my husband too. But I will caution you that a betrayal like this is not ordinary. All betrayals are painful, but when you realize they tossed away a huge friendship in addition to their spouse, you have to look at the soul that is in this person. Is that something you want to risk your future with? Only you can decide that.

My marriage did not survive it and he married her. They destroyed two families. She repeatedly cheated on him. And he her. They were constantly in financial trouble, unlike me. Her husband went on to marry again and is happy. While I didn't marry again, I am amazingly happy and not at the mercy of someone else. I am the master of my life and I love it.

You'll get through this. It's hard. I thought I'd die. But I didn't and you won't either.

Well, it seems as though "Barbie's" husband now knows something was going on. WH got a text from her husband last night: "So, 'Barbie' isn't welcome at your house?". WH didn't immediately reply and another text "You have nothing to say?" WH confessed I saw flirty and inappropriate messages between the two, it stopped but started again and I found out. He has been trying to talk to him about it but was struggling to start the conversation, etc. I'm paraphrasing (more was said but that's the gist)but he downplayed it. Her husband said that was not the story he was getting. We have no idea what story she told. At least, I have no idea. Not a whole lot was said beyond that that I am aware of.

The guys are at work together now. I'm a ball of nerves because I don't know what is going to go down. WH deserves everything he can throw at him - even if it is a few punches.

Let her husband know, send what evidence you have. Contact a lawyer and begin divorce proceedings.

Reality is hitting you WH and he’s going to be ‘pitiful’ so ignore him. 180 him.

He is a serial cheater. There is no hope for him. He has lost his wife, his family, his best friend, and his job. Shame on HIM.

[This message edited by crazycatlady at 4:44 PM, Monday, October 9th]

Prepare for the onslaught of self pity and drama from him. He'll figure out a way to somehow be the victim in all of this.

Whatever you do, don't spend a lot of time commiserating with her husband. When I went through this, OW's husband would call me 4 or 5 times a week. He ultimately suggested we get together out of spite. I stopped answering his calls. It's natural to want to talk to someone who is in the same place you are and has information from the other side of this mess, but try to stick to facts and avoid talking about feelings.

I'm not accusing you of anything so I mean no offense. It's just that you are very vulnerable right now so be vigilant.

Hi, Reagan, I hope your WH was honest and told his "friend" the entire truth.

How are you holding up, did the two of you sit down and get the D paperwork started?

I'm so sorry, sending a virtual hug.......

I hope your WH was honest and told his "friend" the entire truth.

As far as I know, his friend has been given a very PG version of events. I have not spoken with him. I figured he could reach out to me if he wants to. I'm sure from what he has been told, I am overreacting to everything. I really don't care at this point.

Most of the paperwork is ready to go. What needs to be filed initially only needs to be dated, signed and the filing fee paid. I'm not talking about anything really right now. I've been feeling a lot of anger this week and have felt it best to just keep my mouth shut. He's felt my silence. He's made small remarks and I just shrug it off.

Thank you for checking in and the virtual hugs! 😊

[This message edited by ReaganT at 3:14 PM, Friday, October 13th]

Reagan-

Where are his morals? His values? Integrity? His promise to be faithful to you? Your wh doesn't have any. He doesn't get it. Now he's going to cry his eyes out, mope around and be sad because he got caught.

I recently learned a lesson about certain types of men. I was married for a long time until my wh passed away a few years ago. So yeah, dealing with his multiple infidelities and then his death. Very traumatizing and very sad. It still almost destroys me at times but I am strong and determined and definitely don't want this to be the deciding factor which brings me down.

And another thing, he was the only one I was with for the 34 years we were together, so I was new at being single again.

Anyways, I met this man several months ago. For a moment I thought he was genuine until he asked me if I wanted to be "friends with benefits." He wanted to have no strings attached sex with me. I told him if that is what he was looking for then he would need to find someone else. Just like what Barbie should have told your wh. But apparently she is lacking in values too.

I don't think this is a two time thing with your wh. I think you only caught him two times. I'm pretty sure there were others but you already suspect it.

I feel sorry for you and the other betrayed spouse. I remember going through this not too long ago. Those were really tough times but I've also made it through. So will you.

Personally, I think if you stick around he will eventually do it again. Either that or he will really need to do some intensive work to figure out why he makes such poor choices. What drives him to behave this way.

And I'm also assuming she has no self esteem either to allow herself to be put in this situation. But then again, I think she was hopeful he would leave you for her. Most women aren't in it just for the sex. They usually are looking for something on a deeper level.

My thoughts are just speculation but it sure seems like this is how it is playing out.

Please keep us updated. There are lots of people here who can help get you through this. Take the rights steps.

I was married to a serial cheater just as you are. I ended the marriage because I wasn't willing to share my then wife. She went on to cheat on her second and third husbands.

I won't pretend to lecture ar give advice. I would however urge you to tell the OBS. He deserves to know what his wife and your husband have been doing. By keeping him in the dark, you're taking away his agency.

After all, if he was the one to discover the affair, and didn't tell you, wouldn't you be upset? You need to tell him today.

You gave him a big gift the first time he cheated and he threw it away. He got a 2nd chance and proved himself unworthy of it.

You might want to rethink letting the other husband know. Friends don't screw friend's wives. He needs to know.

Best to you, I hope the exit is smooth.

Ma'am, you've received tremendous input already. Not much to add on the tactical front.

I do want to reaffirm that shame is a terrible task master. The ego/self esteem hit is considerable. Please do seek support from a good therapist and any close family or friends that you feel safe enough to share this with. Please do not attempt to go it alone.

Flip side of that coin is to limit exposure to your traitor of a husband. Time to pull in the draw bridge of access to you and your life. He deserves not one more ounce of your love, concern of effort on his behalf. As others have said, his 2x betrayal has burned any chance with you to ash.

I wish we could put you in a circle of affirmation to let you know that this is not about you. It is about the massive moral chasm in his soul. This is something that all Betrayeds in this site understand.

Peace, strength and healing to you.

I'm still sitting in limbo. I haven't made a move in either direction. It is hard to think of starting over but hard to imagine ever getting beyond the pain he has caused. I feel like I don't have a future right now and that my past is a complete lie.

I have been digging deep into my faith. I know biblically, divorce is not a sin if there is infidelity. However, I did make vows in front of God "for better or worse". This certainly is the worse. He is the one responsible for this worse and is the one carrying the sin. I have to keep reminding myself of that. However, he has never been a man of faith. He has (in the past year) started attending church with me and our daughter off and on. I've heard him watching videos of pastors preaching and he is following some pastors on TixTox. Still, he did what he did. If you can even believe, he talked about how he had wanted to invite "Barbie" to church with us. He thought if she was hearing what he was, maybe it would have made a difference in their behavior. My comment was it did not make a difference in yours.

Pre-discovery, she also told me she wanted to come to church with me sometime. She had bought herself a bible, was reading it and taking opportunities to ask me about how I felt about certain scriptures. I was so manipulated by her. I see it now looking back. I just wish I could have seen it then. The wolf in sheep's clothing! The devil in my marriage.

How have others who have a strong faith dealt with the affair? I feel my trust in others is gone. Given the friendship I thought I had, how can I ever have another friendship? For that matter, how can I ever have another romantic relationship? This damage runs deep.

I also found out that she has changed her phone number. Can you say triggered? I now feel she could be texting him and I won't have a clue because I don't know the number to be looking out for! He claims he doesn't know what it is. I thought about texting her husband and asking for it. I only want it so I can keep an eye out for it popping up on the bill. However, he hasn't reached out to me at all and I don't feel right reaching out to him.

[This message edited by ReaganT at 3:34 PM, Tuesday, October 24th]

Right now you are on the emotional roller coaster from hell. Give yourself time to gain clarity.

Asking for her number from the AP husband is a good idea. It might open a dialogue between the two of you and give both of you the ability to compare notes in the event something suspicious comes up. In any case, he should know that you know, crazy as it may seem, it might give him an iota of comfort that someone else has a microscope on the two of them.

Think about what life would look like five years from now with him and without him. Will you ever trust him again? He earned your trust once and blew it.

I would not trust either of them at this point.

Take your time making a decision, do what's right for YOU.

[This message edited by annb at 9:20 PM, Tuesday, October 24th]