SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, All new to this. my name is S (age mid 40). I've been married for just over 21 years now to my wife. (Same age) we have 4 kids together between 20 and 12.. home life is crazy but i thought we were ok. my story is... just after charismas 2023, My Wife went out on a works party. i normally pick her and some mates up at the end of the evening and drop them home. This time It was only her and the OG. It was very cold outside, and they were cuddling each other in a way that made me feel uncomfortable. The next day I brought this up to My wife and said it made me feel very uncomfortable. She said they were just friends and it meant nothing. I ask her not to do that again and thought everything was ok.

2 months later there was another works party. Someone’s leaving party. This time when she was getting ready, I noticed she got very dressed up and was looking very good. Silly I didn’t think to much off it at the time. That night as I was driving around the corner to pick them up. I saw my wife and the OG coming out from around the corner, on their own. Arm in arm and acting very over friendly. When they caught up with their friends. He walked off the everyone got in the car. I was fuming and so angry inside. But my wife was drunk so I held my tongue and thought I would ask her in the morning. When we got home, she feel straight to sleep. Then (I’m not proud of it) looked though her phone and an found they had been text flirting each other.

I spoke to my wife in the morning. And she confessed that they had been having an emotional affair, but nothing else. She was very up set and said she was feeling very depressed and didn’t release she was doing it until it was to late.

My heart sank. We both took two weeks of work. I asked her if she would be willing to change wards at work to distance herself from him. But she said no as she had worked very hard to get ware she was. We started doing couples counselling. We started to communicate more, and thing were getting better.

Then I month ago, my wife was starting to act strange when she got home from work. Go for periods of time without answering her phone. But she always had an excuse which didn’t settle with me.

I then did something I’m really not proud off and wouldn’t suggest it to anyone. I put a recording device in my wife’s car. All I will say. I heard it had gone from an emotional affair to a full-blown sex affair.

I told her what I had done. And what I had heard. We had a couple of intense couples therapy sessions. My wife has now changed jobs. Going to induvial therapy session. Said due to depression she didn’t realize what she was doing.

I’m now going to induvial therapy session and working on getting me back which is hard.

We are still together, and she is working hard on herself and us.

I just have doubts I’m doing the right thing by staying with her and have a very bad record going around and around in my head of the stuff I heard.

its now been 3 weeks. everything is hard with so many triggers.

[This message edited by Coxy9389 at 7:42 PM, Monday, October 2nd]

Coxy - I'd suggest that you edit your post to remove some of your more personal information for the sake of anonymity. This should be a safe space for you. Don't tell her specifics about about this forum.

You're no doubt reeling from this situation - but hopefully you'll find that you feel supported here.
Many will recommend that you do a few things to get your feet under you right away.
- Let go of any guilt you have about the way that you discovered the information that you have. You were forced to extreme measures to uncover her extreme behavior. This is NOT a character flaw on your part. It may have, in fact, saved you months or years of deflection and deception. You were NOT wrong.
- Seek STD testing immediately.
- Stick with IC and MC sessions. They are very clarifying..
Best of luck to you and sorry you're having to be here.

Said due to depression she didn’t realize what she was doing.

You know this is horseshit, right? She didn't know she was having sex with someone other than her husband?

Come on...

How long will it hurt? Well, considering she is your trigger and you're choosing to R, pretty much forever. It will not be as frequent. But it never goes away completely.

As I think everyone will say, it will hurt forever.

Whether you R or D, it's a hurt you will carry forever to some degree.

A very good analogy I have heard is that it is a very deep wound.

Like your knee is shattered in an accident. The best doctors repair it and help you deal with the acute pain. However, they are blunt with you... given the amount of damage, it's very likely there will always be some amount of pain and/or discomfort and you'll never get 100% functionality back. But with proper physical therapy and lifestyle modifications, maybe treatment with medication when needed, it could be mostly 'normal'.

In time, there may be days when the pain isn't even there. Some days, there might just be a dull ache. And then there will be days when it gets twisted in just the right way and an excruciating jolt of pain will shoot through your body. That could happen many, many years after you've 'healed'. But it's always there. As are the scars.

Probably not what you want to hear, and it doesn't mean you can't be happy and safe in a relationship whether you R or D, but I think it's the reality of the brutality of infidelity.

It's a 'new normal' we have to find a way to accept and hopefully live with (eventually thrive) as part of who we are now.

Welcome to SI and sorry that you've had to find us. At the top of the forum are some pinned posts that are very helpful. Another great resource is the Healing Library, where you'll find a list of the acronyms we use. One book recommendation is How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It's around 100 pages and is a blueprint for some of the work that your WW (wayward wife) will need to do. Another good book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. One chapter that I found very helpful was the chapter on windows and walls, which discusses boundaries that are appropriate between the married couple and people outside the M (marriage).

I had to go on antidepressants and anxiety meds for about a year after dday 1. If you need something to help you sleep or anything, ask your doctor.

For me, it was about 3 years (and a divorce) before I was feeling content. It takes time and healing.

Do not feel ashamed for investigating the strange occurrences you noticed-sensed on, at the very least, a gut level. You did exactly what you should do when your gut and the evidence is screaming for attention-you take action and, don’t let anyone shame you about it. That’s just straight-up irrational gas lighting, especially in light of the horrific discoveries your efforts have yielded.

The fact that your wife continued her affair after your first two inquiries shows that she was very conscious of what she was doing. The first two of your inquiries (confrontations) should have served as a bracing near-miss wake-up calls, but they did not, they had little effect on her and she instead continued her affair and, if the physical aspects had not already been in progress, chose to double down on her betrayal and take it to the extreme. This shows premeditation with no regard for the consequences. Instead of taking the multiple opportunities available to off-ramp the affair, to minimize the damage, she instead CHOSE to carry on to a point causing irreparable damage and harm.

Now, the other possible scenario is, that the affair was already fully evolved and a PA was already well underway by the time you first began to suspect.

I would ask for a timeline of the affair that begins with the genesis of the affair and the complete evolution of it so that you can make more informed decisions going forward. How an affair begins and evolves are very important. You need to understand the nature and the depth of betrayal before you can begin making definitive decisions. You need full disclosure to your satisfaction. There maybe aspects of this affair that are absolute deal breakers for you. You also need to know who all the players are (involved friends, family, co-conspirators, enemies of the marriage, cheer leaders), and they need to be removed from your marital sphere. You also need to know if there are other victims (Other Betrayed Spouses [OBS] or SOs) and they need to be notified. You need to know if funds were diverted from family coffers. You need to know if there were violations of company policy. You need to know if there have been other affairs. You need to know if there were violations of the sanctity of intimate marital domain (the marital bed, the marital home, the family car). This is a deal breaker for many as it is viewed as a bold personal insult, a desecration, defiance. You need full disclosure AND established and continuous transparency to ensure she remains NC.

You want to get your arms around the full scope of the affair so that you can make informed decisions going forward with the least of paralyzing trickle truth. Knowledge is power. Truth is the foundation for rebuilding trust.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 8:51 PM, Monday, October 2nd]

I am sorry you had to find out the way you did. Being deceived by your wife when you believed it was a non physical affair just adds more pain to your situation.

Please do not apologize or feel guilty for looking at her phone or putting a device in the car. She’s your enemy at this point and you need to do what you need to do to protect yourself.

I hope counseling helps you. I hope you have your own counselor to help you navigate this situation. It is painful and heartbreaking and at this time you need to put yourself first, not your marriage and not the cheater.

Please continue to post here. You will great support and advice.

She said they were just friends and it meant nothing.

And she confessed that they had been having an emotional affair, but nothing else.

Said due to depression she didn’t realize what she was doing.

It's all so predictable. It's almost like waywards have a cheater's handbook to coach them to say the same things. "We only did it 3 times." "I didn't enjoy the sex." "I thought you didn't love me any longer," blah, blah, blah, etc., etc.

This site was not around for my D-Day1 so I made a ton of mistakes. Pay close attention to the advice given here. These people have tons of experience between them and know what they're talking about.

Sorry you are here mate. This club sucks.

I then did something I’m really not proud off and wouldn’t suggest it to anyone. I put a recording device in my wife’s car. All I will say. I heard it had gone from an emotional affair to a full-blown sex affair.

Putting a VAR in a car is SOP around here it seems. Wywardsxare often horrified that a BS would have the audacity to invade their privacy, while theyvwere having unprotected sex with a coworker and putting their spouses health at risk. I mean, how dare they!

I mean, yes, sure I was selling drugs to school children while dressed as a nun, but you snooped! Unforgivable...

I told her what I had done...

Nope. Never do this. Never tell her what you know or how you know it. Guaranteed, she will now check her car for devices, especially if the A goes underground. It's hard, but you will need to familiarize yourself with tactics and strategies that none of us should have ever needed. Post often. Read everything. Steep learning curve, but we'll worth it.

One piece of advice. Neither you nor your WW are unique. Human nature is human nature, so listen to the good and wise advice of the vets here. Holding space with you...

Sir, my commiserations on this stunning betrayal. You have absorbed a massive body blow of disrespect and and upper cut of betrayal. Please dont minimize or rug sweep anything. Same for her.

Question for you, when you said:

its now been 3 weeks. everything is hard with so many triggers.

Are you saying 3 weeks since Dday? If so, you are barely out of the blast radius and are reeling from her betrayal. You are still in the ER emotionally.

Lets get this out of the way:

She was very up set and said she was feeling very depressed and didn’t release she was doing it until it was to late....Said due to depression she didn’t realize what she was doing.

This is complete and utter bunk. Depression doesnt make you throw away a 21 year marriage, betray your Spouse, destabilize the home of your 4 kids and thus blow up your marriage and family.

Im going to cut to the chase and advise the following:

1. Stop the marital counseling. Its wayyyy too soon. She needs intensive IC. You continue with your own IC and get as much support from trusted family and friends as possible.

2. Put some distance between you and your WW. You need to back away, not get into "save the marriage" mode, take care of you and your kids and watch your WW very very closely.

3. Accept the fact that she had nothing but utter contempt for you and your concerns revealed by her complete disregard for your warnings. It is a bitter pill to swallow that this is who she truly is.

4. She should read "How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" and "Not Just Friends". You need to read "No More Mr Nice Guy", maybe {no soliciting} for added perspective.

I just have doubts I’m doing the right thing by staying with her and have a very bad record going around and around in my head of the stuff I heard.

Its ok to have those doubts. They will continue to varying degrees for a long time (decades for me).

No matter what you ultimately decide, take all the time YOU need to gain a sense who you are now, what you need, and where you want to go.

Take it from someone who did so many things wrong and paid a terrible price for not coming to grips with the whole truth....Take. Your. Time.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 3:50 PM, Tuesday, October 3rd]

Hi Everyone.

WOW, thank you all for your advice. wish i knew about this forum months ago. :-)

this has been a massive help.

I agree with the others who said you should feel no guilt about how you discovered the affair. I also agree that it has probably gone on for much longer than she has said.

It’s great she is no longer in her job. Did she fight at all about leaving?

Reconciliation is possible if that’s what you want. The thing is you need to be vigilant in keeping her on a short leash. Affairs happen. What makes this particularly bad is she knew you were having doubts about their relationship. Yet she either consummated it, or continued it, most likely knowing you were going to find out. She made a calculated decision that her sexual needs were more important than you or your marriage. She must have had a strong pull from this guy in order to take this risk. This pull doesn’t disappear overnight.

She needs to be accountable for her actions. Other than leaving her job has she faced any other consequences? Did the people at her old job know why she left?

Again. You might be able to make it through this, but keep a watchful eye on her

Coxy

One suggestion: Go to your profile from the drop-down menu on the front-page and edit your signature. It’s a generic-enough one and IMHO doesn’t risk much anonymity, but nor does the present signature give you any benefit.

How long will this hurt?
Some say forever and in many ways that’s true. In my instance I left my then-relationship and even now, decades later, I feel more sadness about THAT relationship than joy. Yet… probably most days of that relationship were joy and good. The only REALLY bad day was that last day – the day I walked in on her with another man having sex. So yes – you will probably have a sense of sadness that this happened for life. But… you could eventually counter that with a sense of achievement for having overcome this within your marriage and to be happy and content with your wife maybe 3-30 years from now. It’s like this – maybe 40 years from now you two might be reclining on the porch and you look over and think "Thank God we stayed married – despite the affair" and at the same time she’s thinking "Thank God he didn’t leave me – despite the affair".

Regarding the recording… In some ways it’s a blessing. It prevents minimizing or refusal. Reality is what reality is.

I have a theory. Not everyone agrees with how simple it is, but frankly I have yet to see any real argument to change my mind:
This can ONLY end in one of two good and acceptable ways:
You can divorce or you can reconcile.

If you were to post that you plan on being with your wife until the youngest leaves the home… That’s neither D or R in my mind, but more of a I-will-postpone-having-to-deal-with-this. Eventually you two find a way to live with the untreated elephant of infidelity sitting in your living-room. Might even be happy… eventually…

I take it based on what you share that you want to reconcile, so my post will be geared towards that. This despite the next paragraphs:

Embrace and accept that your marriage is at risk, and this CAN end in divorce. Since that’s a very possible outcome, then do some research on the process. What you will discover is that it’s relatively fair. Not saying easy or painless, but IF this ends in D you will survive and eventually thrive.

Embrace and accept that your marriage is ONLY existent because YOU want to be married and SHE wants to be married. It’s not enough that one of you wants it. It has to be both. If she wanted the OM more than the marriage – she is free to chose him. Only she can’t keep the marriage. Same with you – if you want to keep her on some short leash for the unforeseeable future then remember it’s not a marriage – you are free to leave.

Why are the two paragraphs so important? We tend to take more care when dealing with fragile things that we care about.

Then there is her…
Depression is no excuse. If she was so clinically depressed that she couldn’t control her actions and urges… well… there is NO WAY you or she can ensure she doesn’t again get some mental disease that "makes" her have another affair.
IMHO a key factor in reconciling is for HER to admit that the affair was 100% a committed and thought out action on her behalf. It wasn’t an "accident", she didn’t just fall with her lips on OM lips… It took place. It had a build-up, it had a dating phase, it had a very clear and definite moment where she KNEW she was crossing some line.
Its like if you run knowing your bootlaces are untied you will eventually stumble and fall. It’s not an accident – it’s a consequence of your actions (or inactions in not tying the laces). If you allow her to feed on the "I was depressed" excuse, that’s like helping her up and MAYBE tying one boot but not the other. Run along and the odds are she will fall again.
You too need to accept the conscious decision she took to have an affair. You can’t excuse it with "well… she was only running a short distance" or "the bootlaces are frayed" or whatever. SHE DECIDED AND THEN SHE IMPLEMENTED to cheat.

It’s only when this is recognized that it becomes possible to reconcile.

Generally the advice I give is that you set her free. Basically you tell her that IF she wants she CAN leave this marriage for the OM. She can date him, stay at her old job, move in with him, have sex with him… whatever. But not as your wife.
She can decide if she wants to remain married to you, but that it has to be HER choice. Divorce is no bundle of joy, but it is possible with limited pain, and it beats having to share a wife.

You can let her know that you would want to reconcile, but for now the main issue would be that you need convincing she too wants this marriage.
That can be done with some actions like answering all relevant questions, total accountability, total enforceable NC with OM… Whatever conditions you think are required.

If she offers that then maybe even a 30 day cease-fire. A period where you two try to work on the marriage, but its conditional on the conditions being met.

If seeking couples therapy… AVOID a therapist that excuses her affair based on the marriage: ie "she cheated because YOU did A or B". You can accept "she cheated because she needed verification" or stuff like that, because the NEXT step of the therapist should be to point out how wrong she was in where she got verification.

This is going to take time. Maybe the first 3-6 months will mainly be recovery from her betrayal with no or limited focus on the marriage. This is a bit like improving your health after a massive cardiac arrest. You might start off slowly on the treadmill or by lifting puny weights. All the time wanting to do a marathon and lift the big ones. You need to work yourself – and your marriage – towards that goal. It takes time.

I agree with Bigger. My experience, too, has been that the pain of being betrayed becomes a memory, usually pretty dim but sometimes - rarely - front and center. When the memories come up, it's usually when I doubt myself, though, so it's easy to brush off and deal directly with the self doubt.

I'm writing to add:

Since R takes 2, now is the time to find out if your W is or is not a good candidate for R. That requires communication, lots of communication.

Do you ask questions of her? Does she answer them? Do you believe the answers?

What do you want from your M? What does she want? Are your wants compatible? (Compatible - can you both get what you want without hurting the other?)

What do you want to give in your M? What does she want to give? Are these compatible?

If you have an issue, raise it. Notice how the issue is resolved? Do you work together to resolve issues? Do you respect each other's views?

Does your W do any blame-shifting, minimizing, gaslighting?

What you and your WS communicate now and the way you communicate will tell you a lot about whether R is possible.

*****

It's also a good idea - it may be essential - to have observable requirements for R. The standard ones are:

Honesty - no more lies
Transparency - WS keeps BS informed of location, activities, and companions at essentially all times
IC for WS with one of the goals being to change from cheater to good partner
NC - no contact with ap (although some contact for work isn't necessarily and obstacle to R)
IC for BS, if the BS wants it
MC if one partner wants it, with an MC who will deal with the A first and who places responsibility for the A on the WS, not on the M or BS.

Many of us add specific requirements - my W had to arrange weekly dates, for example.

*****

Have faith in yourself to heal. You may not realize it yet, but you can lead a good life whether you R or D.

Hi Everyone.

Busy couple of days. thankyou again for all your advice and kind words.

Couple of things.

Thanks
A few people = Never even thought of an STD test. I'm on that now.
A few people = admitting i put the Device in AP car. i was expecting alot of backlash for that. thanks for your understanding.

suddenlyisee = I've changed a few things just in case.
dontlookbackinanger =

It's a 'new normal' we have to find a way to accept and hopefully live with (eventually thrive) as part of who we are now.

Im starting to see that. not sure if i like it though.
RealityBlows =

Now, the other possible scenario is, that the affair was already fully evolved and a PA was already well underway by the time you first began to suspect.

im starting to build up a list of questions . not sure i want the answers ?
DobleTraicion = its been 4 weeks now since the last Dday. but nearly 10 months from the 1st i noticed stuff.

DobleTraicion = its been 4 weeks now since the last Dday. but nearly 10 months from the 1st i noticed stuff.

Thanks for clarifying.

I stand by my advice to slow things down and take your time.

Your betraying wife either was not who you thought she was, or, has changed radically from who she used to be. Either is a sobering prospect for a betrayed/faithful Spouse.

Ive talked about this topic before in other threads and touched on it briefly here, and that is the change that takes place in the Betrayed due to the trauma of marital treason. You are very likely in the midst of your own metamorphasis and cant see it yet. To try and make life altering decisions in this state is unwise.

Case in point. One of the exercises I did with a therapist was to fill out a personality trait profile describing who I was before Dday and after Dday. When she graphed the results for me, you'd think it was two different individuals. Seriously. I was forever changed. Some for the better. Some not so much. I tried to R in this changing/changed state and it did not go well. It was like two strangers now thrown into this quasi marital state. It was not healthy and cost me greatly. I dont think it was good for her either.

There is a BH poster in this site that said, 30 years after Dday, that reconciliation cost him "a lot of the good in him". I concur.

Do I believe couples can majoratively reconcile? Yes. Yes I do. I know 3 couples personally that are truly breakthrough people and have worked long and hard to overcome the terrible effects of infidelity on them, their marriage and family. They all say it was the hardest thing theyve ever done, that it cost them greatly, and that they are both changed people. I doff my cap to them.

Id be remiss to not mention that I know far more who struggle greatly, suffering through a badly mangled "Frankenmarriage" and end up in divorce or just divorce outright. There is a lot of hurt there too of course. Quite a bit of emotional and financial cost. Its no panacea for sure, but I also know quite a few who have gone on to remarry and build wonderful new marriages snd families. Such is my story.

So, again, no matter which direction you choose, do so deliberately and carefully. Turn over every stone that you can concerning her betrayal. Invest in yourself first and watch her closely.

I dont normally quote other posters but I wholeheartedly affirm this from waitedwaytoolong (bolded is my emphasis):

Reconciliation is possible if that’s what you want. The thing is you need to be vigilant in keeping her on a short leash. Affairs happen. What makes this particularly bad is she knew you were having doubts about their relationship. Yet she either consummated it, or continued it, most likely knowing you were going to find out. She made a calculated decision that her sexual needs were more important than you or your marriage. She must have had a strong pull from this guy in order to take this risk. This pull doesn’t disappear overnight.

She needs to be accountable for her actions. Other than leaving her job has she faced any other consequences? Did the people at her old job know why she left?

Again. You might be able to make it through this, but keep a watchful eye on her

Good luck.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 2:09 PM, Friday, October 6th]

Hi Coxy,

I’m so sorry you find yourself here. A few things.

1.Don’t worry about going through phone or the recording device. She gave you reason to believe she was being sketchy and she WAS being sketchy. You trusted your gut and you were right. You should have no qualms about trusting your instincts and checking up on her whereabouts/actions/communications going forward. In fact, it's probably a good idea to ensure you have access to all devices/passwords/email addresses etc at the moment.

2.Please know that NOTHING about this is your fault. You’re probably blaming yourself right now and wondering that if maybe you had done X, Y, or Z she wouldn’t have done this. Stop that! Seriously, shut it down. We do it because it gives us the illusion of control, but we DO NOT control our partners. You can only control how you react or respond to their acitons. Most of us are not perfect in our marriages, even if we are trying. That does not mean that our spouse has carte blanche to lie and have sex with a coworker. There are people who were in terrible marriages who had partners who cheated and there are people who were in amazing marriages (where they were an A+ spouse) that had a partner who cheated. It's not the marriage that cheats, its the individual.

3.Secondary and probably in addition to the above, you are probably feeling like garbage right now. That’s normal. Even though our partner’s affairs are about THEM and not about US (or even the affair partner), it’s pretty typical for self esteem to take a nosedive after betrayal. Do whatever you can right now to take care of yourself. Things like exercise, plenty of water and healthy foods are more important than ever. If you’re having problems with sleep then go chat with your doctor to see if there is anything (s)he can give you to help with that. If you have friends or relatives who will support you, now is the time to lean on them.

4.You’re probably also thinking, if I just do A, B, or C going forward we can go back to the way things used to be. Please know that there is no going back. Your marriage and relationship is forever changed. This is a genie that cannot be stuffed back into the bottle. The BS’s who tend to have the worst outcomes here are the ones who do their best to avoid tough feelings and conversations in the hopes that it will all go away if you don’t talk about it.. We call this rugsweeping around here and it is frowned upon because it DOES NOT WORK. Issues that are not addressed do not get dealt with and can lead to ongoing resentment, pain, unhappiness, and new discoveries. WSs tend to love rugsweeping because it allows them to go back to their old life without actually doing any work and facing any consequences. They will sometimes pressure their BS to accept rugsweeping by saying things like, "Are we STILL talking about this? Are you going to be angry about this forever? Aren’t’ you over it yet?" Please know that it tends to take 2-5 years to recover and heal from all of this. I know that sounds incredibly overwhelming and intimidating at this stage but assuming you ACTUALLY deal with all of this up front, I promise you that years 2-5 are not as intense as what you’re feeling right now. The acute, overwhelming, all-encompassing pain will fade to a dull ache with time and healing. Getting as much information/detail out NOW will save you from new painful discoveries (that can set your healing back to zero) in the future. Dealing with this NOW is therefore an investment in your future.

5.You don’t have to make any major decisions about R or D at this time. Do you have a good sense right now of what you want? I think R sometimes feels like the default for new BS because they cannot imagine NOT being in their marriage, but I don’t think it’s smart to jump into R with someone who is not fully invested in the marriage and honesty (as those things are necessary for R to be successful). The decision to D can be made by one person. For R however, it takes two people who are both ALL IN and ready, willing, and able to do the work required to address their issues and heal. It’s probably a bit early to know if your wife is there yet. Certainly her quitting her job is a good sign, but I’d watch her actions vs. her words right now. Anyone can SAY they are willing to do whatever it takes, but actually following through and DOING It is harder. R involves the WS having to dig into a lot of uncomfortable truths and poor coping mechanisms that they have relied on over the years and that is not easy, straightforward work for most Waywards. That said, it is necessary and so any resistance to this should be a red flag.

6.Further to the above, she should be in IC (individual counselling) right now. IC is aimed at her digging in and figuring out her shit and how she allowed herself to get to a place where she gave herself permission to go outside the marriage. She has a LOT to figure out before she can work on ways to be a safe partner. MC, on the other hand, assumes that there is a marriage to save. The counsellor’s job is to SAVE THE MARRIAGE and while that’s not necessarily a bad thing when everyone is all in, your wife is probably not in a place to do this yet. A MC will not force her to dig into her shit, an IC is more likely to do so.

7. Is OM married? Has his wife been informed? If not, I recommend you let her know ASAP. It is the kind thing to do because she deserves to know. Just like YOU would want to know if it had been her that learned of the A first. If he is cheating on her with your wife, who is to say he’s not doing it with others as well. He’s exposing her and her family to any number of diseases and she could be making significant life choices that she would not make if she knew the entire truth. I recommend you notify her WITHOUT letting your wife know first, so that she does not tip off OM about what is to occur. I notified the other betrayed spouse (OBS) in my situation on D-day and it was probably the best thing I did. HE and I compared stories and were able to significantly minimize the amount of bullshit we received from our spouses and get the most truth as quickly as possible. When my husband and his wife realized that they were both selling each other out to save their marriages, any loyalty they had to one another was lost, and they basically competed to be the "most honest cheater".

Good luck.

Hey Coxy9389, just checking in to see how you are doing.

@ DobleTraicion thanks for checking. im OK. well if ok is being on an emotional roller-coaster :-). taking each day as it comes at the moment. im back at work full time. but my head is always thinking. i know ill never understand why. how. and i probably don't want to know all the answers. just taking some time for me at the moment.

Any time the words *just a* precedes the word *friend*, you are in the chit already. Since her affair, my wife has ZERO male friends, *Just* or otherwise. I'm typically not a cheerleader for reconciliation. It's a LOT of work, it takes forever to come out the other side, and rarely do you wind up with anything near the quality of what you (thought) you had, pre affair.

[This message edited by Clint at 4:44 PM, Thursday, October 26th]