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If there is some way to keep her in treatment and out of the house, find it. If in treatment doesn't work, where else can she go while she continues to work on her mental health? This isn't about punishing her. It's about keeping those kids safe and giving your wife space to heal and work on her recovery. Talk to her care team about options.

They’re nowhere safe for her to go within 1500 miles, sadly.

Unless she needs to be institutionalized indefinitely, I will become her primary caretaker. We don’t have functional families or any other form of safety net.

Hi there. I’m sorry for the pain being inflicted on you.

I was wondering if the doctors are
Communicating with you about the medications they are administering and what they expect them to do for her.

Also, is there a way you can ensure her mother is not allowed to stay with you again?

I wish you well on this journey. If there is a way you can obtain trauma therapy for yourself I think you would find it helpful through this process.

I was wondering if the doctors are
Communicating with you about the medications they are administering and what they expect them to do for her.

Also, is there a way you can ensure her mother is not allowed to stay with you again?

I don’t remember which medications they are giving her but it is several. One is a mood stabilizer, the other is an atypical anti-psychotic. The changed the later midway through because she was not responding well which is the reason for the extended stay.

As I understand, the medication is supposed to even out the ups and downs and prevent another major "episode" so long as she is consistent.

Regarding her mother: suspicions of her pretense triggering my wife aside, I will not let her stay with us again simply based on how she was treating my children. I don’t hate her mother, but I can’t take care of two mentally unwell people and especially not if their illnesses may have a synergistic effect on each other.

Good to hear. It sounds like you have a handle on it as best you can.

Good to hear. It sounds like you have a handle on it as best you can.

I don’t know about having a handle on it. This is a big event that was entirely out of my control. I did my best to wrangle as much control as I could but it wasn’t easy or entirely effective.

Sadly, I think the thing that made me feel safe more than anything was when I realized she was going to the hospital. Ten days in there gives me a lot of time to think. I think we would have been at each others throats (literally) had that not happened.

I hope she comes back better (and remorseful), but I still have no idea what is going to happen. It could all be in vain.

Spoke to her on the phone two times today.

The first time we spoke, I wanted to make sure she got the clothes that I brought her earlier today. I made a mistake to ask her if I could clean up her drawers and bags while I was cleaning the house. I am doing all her laundry for her which she isn’t comfortable with.

She asked me not to clean out her nightstand or purses. For context, she has 5 purses and all of them are filled to the brim with trash, food, junk from around the house, receipts, sticky notes, trinkets and keepsakes, etc.

During the time prior to her signing me up to receive information as part of her medical release, so was desperate to understand what was happening with her so I went thought all her purses and drawers. Aside from trash, I found lots of notes comics she drew, some poems and things and nothing too incriminating. I did find some poems about breaking up and substance abuse and things like that.

All her drawers are filled to the brim with random stuff, mostly trash.

Long story short, she vehemently refused to let me clean up her bags and drawers. I told her that there was nothing left to find since I had already gone through it all. I just wanted to clean it all up so that she could come home to a clean house and no chaos. She said she wanted to do it herself.

The problem is this… I already dumped everything out and went through it. There’s no way for me to put it all back the way it was. I didn’t want to trigger her more so I just said OK but I felt really confused.

When I called her this evening to let her say goodnight to the kids, I tried to explain that I had already gone through everything and I’m going to have to clean it up. I said I could put it in a bag or something so she could go through it before throwing it all away if she wanted.

She got so pissed. Kept asking me what did I find. Told me not to go into her car also. I explained that I already went through her car and cleaned it out. I found like 30 energy drink cans in there and it was a pit. I had to clean it out. She got mad about that and asked me what I found.

I tried to tell her that I’m just making way for her to come home to a fresh start. I also told her that I didn’t like the way she was talking to me. We can’t make progress if you are constantly blocking me out and going on a warpath against me.

Somehow the topic drifted back to restricting electronics and I told her that I already factory reset all the devices and changed the passwords. I told her that I locked up the devices so they could not be accessed.

She flipped out saying that I was trying to torture her and that I was trying to make her live like an Amish woman.

I reminded her that we are not married in a religious sense. If she doesn’t want to restart the marriage, I’m not going to expect her to be transparent with me. But if she does want to come back to the family, she’s going to have to give me authority over the electronic device usage.

she was going on and on speaking to me in a very nasty way and saying it’s not fair.

I told her that it IS fair if she wants to come back. This is no different from restricting a cheating spoil use from going to the bar drinking if that’s where they met their affair partner. I can’t let her have unrestricted and unsupervised access to social media apps. Period. I wouldn’t be able to feel comfortable in the relationship if she was still able to lead some secret life.

She seems to think that this was all innocent because she was mentally ill and having an episode. She seems to be using the mental health diagnosis as an excuse to not have any remorse or take any responsibility.

I told her this is fair because you cheated.

She responded: "I don’t care"

and I said: "Yea, that seems to be the case" and I hung up.

She tried calling back but I didn’t answer. It’s too much for me to handle.

Contempt can be the death of a marriage and it appears to be how she feels about you. You do not have to put up with it. Each of you should be able to honor the other. If that is missing you do not have much to work with.

However, in these times people do use devices, especially phones for so many interactions I wonder how she is going to conduct her life.

However, in these times people do use devices, especially phones for so many interactions I wonder how she is going to conduct her life.

I would never stop her from having a phone, social media that we both use together (like

Facebook or instagram), or messaging apps that she uses to communicate with family and real life friends. I have no interest in reading her corespondences with family or close and trusted friends.

If she wants to reconcile with me, she has to agree to the following:

Restricted access to electronic devices and 100% transparency regarding all online activities and digital communications.

- WS shall not have unrestricted, private access to laptops, tablets or any other internet connected device that could be used to download social media or chat apps.

- WS will not have access to online video games with chat or communication functions.

- WS agrees to allow BS to set up her phone with "parental controls" and a restricted list of approved apps. If WS wants to download additional apps, she must ask permission prior to downloading.

- Furthermore, she agrees to promptly furnish her phone or any other electronic device for inspection at any time without becoming irritated or angry. She will promptly provide passwords, open apps, or anything else to facilitate inspection.

- Note: The above mentioned measures are not designed to be intrusive or unreasonable. BS will not intercept or read private messages or communications between WS and her family members or trusted close friends who are known.

[This message edited by MilahsRealHusband at 4:59 AM, Friday, October 13th]

I wish you could just listen to yourself.

You are beating a dead horse.

She clearly doesn't like you.

Move on without her.

Stop trying to be her jail warden.

the person that I know and love would never treat me like this if they hurt me even half as bad. The wife I know would be at my feet begging for my forgiveness. I don’t know who this new person is.

Respectfully, being in the middle of a bipolar/psychotic event… She is not the person that you know and love. And I believe that expecting her, in any way, to act like the person that you know and love is asking for the impossible. At this point in her treatment/recovery.

Please understand that I am in no way excusing her behavior. Wrong is wrong, no matter the state that you are in. If you attack/kill a person but you are mentally ill, they are still dead - there is still punishment… Just in a different way required in a different facility. So I am not excusing her cheating. But I do feel it must be looked at under a different light. The effect to you is the same of course. And most especially to her children. But, JMHO, I feel that if her manic episode is so recent that she is still hospitalized, that it is unrealistic that she would be able to process the situation in its entirety, accurately comprehend the effect this is had on you and the children, and be able to process the impact on your marriage, and the process to work through it.

I am absolutely not a doctor, nor am I putting myself forth as an expert. I do, however, have an adult son who is bipolar. I can tell you that the things that he has said and done to me in the presence of, and as a result of his mental illness have been devastating. He has gotten in my face and cursed me, he gets on the phone and screams loudly enough for neighbors to hear about what a terrible mother I am. He is an alcoholic, and actively drinks. So, what he has done has hurt me badly. But as I continue to move forth in a relationship with him, I do not hold his actions against him. Right now he is going through a period of time where he is much calmer, he is taking his medication, and we are able to interact better. He seems to be getting back to his old self… Although I’m not sure he will ever completely regain the naïveté of his former self, before all that he is experienced while mentally ill.

I TOTALLY get the fact that you are just as hurt, no matter if your wife was mentally ill or not at the time of her indiscretions. But the truth is, she was not herself. It doesn’t excuse the behavior, and it most certainly does not reduce its affect on you and the kids. But it does, in my opinion, call for a different level of accountability. And a different timeline for processing the event. Many spouses who have been unfaithful and get caught… who do not have mental illness… cannot process their wrongdoing in the timeline that you are expecting your wife to do so. Of course you want to begin to address all that has happened, but in her current mental state and fragility, I don’t believe it will be productive. I hope I am wrong, but it seems to me that in this situation, the healing process will look different, and probably take a longer period of time considering there is another entity involved, that being her mental illness.

I agree with the others that your children’s safety, security, and mental health are the most important considerations at this point. It made me smile to read your account of yours daughter running away from you when you were trying to comb her hair. What a good daddy you are to want to take care of those types of things, but what a normal response for a child to have if they’re used to mommy doing that for them.

I can’t imagine the discomfort, hurt, and confusion you are under. And I am sorry to say that I do not understand your faith to the extent that I know how you will be guided through this process. But I do hear you when you say that you love her. And I believe that if you can get to the point of comprehending her mental state accurately, hopefully from her doctors, you will consider that the process for your recovery from what she has done will most likely look different, and take longer than most.

Bottom line, only you will be able to make the choice of whether you are interested in the possibly long journey that it will take with your wife to get through this and move past it and protect yourselves from possible future events. I, too, am a victim of infidelity. I understand the hurt and pain it causes. Only you can determine whether or not you are interested in, prepared for, or able to commit to what it will take to move past this.

There may be those who disagree with me, but please allow me to say one thing further. When your wife did what she did, she was not well. She was/is suffering from mental illness. Again, it does it excuse anything or make it less painful. However, my husband was not mentally ill when he was unfaithful to me. He did what he did with a clear mind and unimpaired by mental illness. He had control over his own mind, and made a clear choice to do what he did to me. Not to downplay your hurt, but in some odd way, I would almost rather that he was not in his right mind at the time. Like extenuating circumstances.

I wish you well as you move through this process. I send prayers for you, your wife, and most especially your children. You sound like a very strong and clear minded man. I hope that in the end, this situation is resolved in the way that most benefits all of you.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 2:35 PM, Friday, October 13th]

Her response to you going through the drawers, purses and car are dodgy, in my opinion.

She knows there was something to find as she wouldn't have asked you what you found, would she?

Are you certain you haven't missed something when going through her stuff?

Makes no sense that she got so agitated, and was so defensive, about her going through it.

I wish you could just listen to yourself.

You are beating a dead horse.

She clearly doesn't like you.

Move on without her.

Stop trying to be her jail warden.

It definitely feels like she doesn’t like me, and that’s very hard to process. We’ve had ups and downs, but we’ve been together for 10 years and I’ve invested everything I had into a life with her. When this happened, I realized that I have absolutely nobody to rely on except myself now. It’s been a hard thing to swallow.

The problem is that because I feel that I know her so well, I feel like I know she is not acting like herself. I can’t imagine her reacting to getting caught in an affair and then hurting me so badly after that.

Of course I never expected an affair at all. I didn’t think she was capable of of it (mental illness or not), so maybe I didn’t know her the way I thought I did.

All the same, I am more hurt by the way she reacted to getting caught than I am by what she actually did before she got caught.

I wish you well as you move through this process. I send prayers for you, your wife, and most especially your children. You sound like a very strong and clear minded man. I hope that in the end, this situation is resolved in the way that most benefits all of you.

I read everything that you wrote and I appreciate you sharing your personal experience living with someone who is Bipolar.

I do recognize that she was not in her right mind when she committed these acts and lied to me about it. And I also think, as you alluded to, there needs to be some accountability.

How would society look upon a bipolar person who killed their spouse and then refused to show remorse during the trial? Would we think highly of them if they refused to apologize to the victims surviving family members because "they weren’t in their right mind when I happened"? No, I don’t think we would.

Her unwillingness to show remorse, be humble and compassionate with me, and provide complete transparency during the aftermath has been hard for me to deal with. I can see based on our conversations that she very much wants to be absolved if this by virtue of her mental illness… I just can’t bring myself to allow that. Like the murdered you mentioned, we still hold them accountable and punish them.

I hope you are right that we are simply still too early in the process. I hope that she snaps out of it and starts showing remorse and starts treating me with compassion… but I’m also starting to think that I need to prepare myself for the worst.

When something like this happens with a spouse it’s a bit different that when it happens with a child. I can understand how you would always try to forgive and not give up on your son. I would do the same for my daughters. That said, a spouse is expected to work equally as hard to maintain a healthy relationship. It’s not the same kind of responsibility as a child.

Even prior to this tragic disaster, I have often felt like the dynamic between my wife and I would often be a bit lopsided in terms of how she viewed me. She sort of always dealt with me like I was a father and she was a rebellious teenage daughter. When we were young and I thought I knew everything, I capitalized on this dynamic subconsciously in order to feel like I had more power and control in the relationship. However later on in the relationship I found myself wanting more of an equal partner. Sadly she still acted out like a teenager daughter would whenever there was conflict.

One example of this is a few months back when she was playing the video game for
Long hours into the night (before I knew of the affair that was interlaced into that behavior). I tried to talk to her about how it was excessive and how I didn’t like it and I advised her to stop playing so much. I told her I felt ignored and jealous of the game. She became irate and demanded to know how many hours a day she could play and kept saying "I’m allowed to play my game" "I’m allowed to play my game" over and over. After that she would wait for me to fall asleep and then go back out to play the game. She saw my advice as a commandment and she stubbornly spited me and started playing more. There are many other examples of this in our relationship. Often related to fashion, makeup, cleaning up the house, decorating and clutter, etc. she’s very stubborn and childish. It’s not helping this mental health/affair situations

Her response to you going through the drawers, purses and car are dodgy, in my opinion.
She knows there was something to find as she wouldn't have asked you what you found, would she?
Are you certain you haven't missed something when going through her stuff?
Makes no sense that she got so agitated, and was so defensive, about her going through it.

She’s a bit of a hoarder and she’s always been defensive about me cleaning up her messes because she is embarrassed about them.

That said, I am sure there may be more to find based on her repeatedly asking me what I found.

I found an old android phone and I do wonder if she was using it to communicate with people somehow. I don’t know the password, so unless she decides to become really progressive and open with me to the point where she wants to provide complete transparency, I may never know if there is anything in that phone.

I found some sad poems, a recording device with some sad songs she sang, and some podcasts she recorded that I’m sure she never published… I also found lots of notebooks and papers with poetic rants and ravings scribbled here and there and little sticky notes with what I assume are peoples usernames from that game and notes about what appear to be in game items and prices of things in the game.

I haven’t gone through all of it yet, but most likely it’s all on that old android phone that I have no ability to get into.

A few points regarding your situation:

Often when dealing with a big mess like the one you are being presented it can be beneficial to split them into smaller tasks. The classic "how do you eat an elephant?" technique.
I’m not excusing your wife’s infidelity and it definitely is something that needs to be dealt with, but IMHO there isn’t any way you can do so effectively while she’s dealing with active mental illness.
Well… there is one thing, and that is a divorce and total separation. Even then you might be dealing with the impact on your kids. Just keep in mind kids are smart, and they will understand (with time) that mom is ill and therefore can’t be measured using the same yardstick as "normal" people.

But… IMHO NOTHING can really be done until you know more about her mental illness and the treatment of that.

Many mental diseases tend to be hereditary. Her mom can be a good example of what’s to come, but be very honest about some things: Has her mom gotten any treatment? Does she stick to the treatment? Does she follow some pattern in behavior? Is it in any way or form comparable to what your wife is doing?
Keep in mind that there have been immense advances in treatment of mental illness in the last decade or so, so maybe your MIL grinding Valium is not the "treatment" you would compare to what your wife might be getting.

Maybe the biggest problem with mental disease is how inconsistent the patients are regarding medication. They think it’s not working and don’t take it. They don’t think they have an issue and don’t take it. They think it makes them slow and they don’t take it. They think they are cured and don’t take it…

I honestly don’t know if you can reconcile the marriage in her present condition. Doesn’t mean divorce is your only option at the moment though. It simply means that maybe you need time to see if she can heal. If she can reach a stage where she comprehends and understands how she’s been "off track".

I do think she needs a controlled environment. Be that in an institution or at home.
If she was an addict dealing with recovery from alcoholism you wouldn’t allow her to keep beer in the home, nor allow her to hang out with her drinking buddies or try to limit her to one glass per day. You would expect and demand total abstinence.
I think she needs a schedule – a program. A time to wake up and get out of bed, make her room, healthy breakfast, clean after, walks and exercise, monitored medication, work, chores, rest, exercise, healthy food… I don’t think she needs to be on the gaming console or online or whatever. I realize a lot of daily life goes on through electronics, but maybe for a season she needs to go cold turkey before having some controlled and limited access. This is not so YOU can control her as a husband. It’s more like a recovering alcoholic is kept away from booze. Eventually – an alcoholic successful in his recovery – is fine being around booze while handling the need to drink.

I also think there are unhealthy behaviors that need to be dealt with. The borderline hoarding, the obsession with junk, purses. The personal hygiene… These are things a fixed regime can deal with. Somehow not having an itchy crotch get’s to feel good, and all of a sudden you appreciate your daily shower…

With the correct medication and good medical support her disease can be controlled. Maybe even cured.

But I don’t think any work or promise on "reconciliation" can be done until she at least starts on that stage of medical recovery.

But then… You don’t have any obligation to remain married. People have divorced for less. Only – if you do divorce then do it the right way. Irrespective of religion a marriage has legal consequences and terminating them is a legal process – not religious.
Also be realistic. You won’t be able to prevent all contact between her and the kids, move 1500 miles or anything of that nature. If you divorce it’s her role to create a relationship with her kids, albeit that will go hand-in-hand with how she deals with her mental issues.

Thank you for the insight.

I agree that we need to deal with the mental health issue first and see where she is at before diving deeper. It’s just hard for me to disengage after everything she did.

I urge you to reread What's Right's post. I don't think you understand it yet.

You need to figure out how to resolve a very difficult situation in ideally the best possible way for you and your kids. That requires focusing on your healing, your wants and needs, and your kids' wants and needs.

So far, you've been posting about what has been done to you. I understand that - it's normal. But healing requires taking action on your own behalf. What are you doing to resolve the anger, fear, grief, and shame that come with being betrayed? What are you going to do to protect your kids and yourself and your W, too, when she comes home? Should she come home?

Resolving your feelings about the A is crucial now, because the A is not the problem in your family and resolving the feelings will allow you to comprehend that. Deciding between R & D is not your biggest problem. The biggest problem your family faces is your W's mental illness, at least IMO.

When something like this happens with a spouse it’s a bit different that when it happens with a child.

You are dead on right about this. I didn’t mean to equate the two. But you are absolutely right. A marriage is a different type of relationship.

It’s really hard to talk to her on the phone and not slip into a conversation about the affair. It triggers her and she says things that make me feel horrible every time. She really doesn’t sound like she’s "going along with" anything I have to say. It’s like I’m dragging her through and she is protesting every step of the way .

Her doctor and many of you have mentioned that it’s not great to be trying to solve the affair issue prior to her release, but it’s so hard when she keeps making it seem like she doesn’t blame herself at all due to her sickness.

She’s mad about me talking about restricting electronics usage and thinks that as long as she is taking her medication, she should have all the same freedoms that she had before. I tried to explain that if. Someone with bipolar murders their neighbor we still lock them away. Maybe we can forgive them but we recognize that they are a danger to others. Another example I mentioned was if someone with bipolar spent all of a families savings account money impulsively during a manic state. I argued that even though they were manic when they did it, we would still restrict that persons access to bank accounts in the future, even if they are medicated. She said the murderer was different that the impulsive spender and that the spender should be allowed to have all the credit cards back as soon as they were medicated. We all know that is ridiculous.

I think what is going on is that I am terrified for her to return and I want to lay out some ground rules and expectations and I want to know what direction things are going in before she gets out but because she’s in the middle of treatment and still very very irritable.

This is so confusing

You might be dealing with two different issues. Bipolar is a real disease that can be medicated. The other sounds like a selfish person who has no boundaries. If this is new then it might be part of her illness but you need to protect yourself, and your money.

You might be dealing with two different issues. Bipolar is a real disease that can be medicated. The other sounds like a selfish person who has no boundaries. If this is new then it might be part of her illness but you need to protect yourself, and your money.

This whole thing is so wild because I would never have described the person that I’ve been married to for ten years as selfish prior to this episode.

I know this is a real disease but I’m starting to think that I’m going to have to put up with someone who uses it as an excuse to treat me like shit.

In general, she likes being a victim and she always wanted people to go above and beyond in terms of caring and sympathizing her her. She’s always been a bit of a hypochondriac and loves going to the doctor.

I’m ashamed to admit it, but it seems like she’s having a pleasant time in the mental ward. She talks about how nice the people are and how good the food is. She talks about the group sessions and the crafting opportunities. She seems to like having the nurses and staff check in her.

Every time we talk about the affair she tells me that she’s learning that what she did wasn’t her fault.

I’m not going to be able to get past this if she tries to come home and act like she’s completely absolved if her sins by virtue of mental illness. She has to understand that there are consequences for your actions irregardless of whatever mental state you were in when you committed those actions. She hasn’t I understand that the pain that she caused me and the kids is real pain.

I think I said it earlier…Plenty of people with Bipolar disorder go manic and choose risky behavior that doesn’t hurt their loved ones directly like this. She could have booked a fucking skiing trip and tried skiing down a double black diamond run or decided to paint the entire apartment pink or something. Instead she chose to abandon her family for months while catfishing and sexting her video game friends.

She still made a choice. And her choice hurt me really bad. I’m allowed to be mad at her and she needs to

If I had money, believe me I’d be protecting it. I’d also be talking to a divorce lawyer about setting up a postnuptial agreement.

The truth is, I’m tens of thousands of dollars in debt, overwhelmed with car payments and rent, and running away from my student loan payments.

I wish I could pack a few bags and take my girls far far far away. I’m so sick and tired of all of this. I didn’t ask for any of it.

[This message edited by MilahsRealHusband at 6:01 PM, Saturday, October 14th]

I was the child in this situation. My mom wasn't dx'd as manic & BPD until she was in her 60's, so growing up, we just thought of it as her "spells." It started getting bad when I was 8 and I left home as soon as I could at 17. Years of walking on eggshells, never knowing what would set her off. My dad was military and while he was deployed, she had an affair and got pg. In those days, fathers seldom got custody, so he "forgave her" and raised the baby as his own. He basically chose to be a martyr for us, which I still do appreciate, but it didn't make life very easy. His escape was work, or he just caved to whatever mom's latest obsession was, and we were left to fend for ourselves around her moods. And yes, she did get physical many times, but it would be hidden and our word against hers. But the verbal was the worst, and I can still remember some of the cruel and hateful things she said.

My point in this is a reminder that the things your kids are seeing and experiencing will stay with them forever. Yes, I know it was mental illness and she couldn't help a lot of the things she said and did, but it doesn't erase the scars and it created a generation of co-dependents.

My mom finally got help when she was in her 60's after having a complete psychotic break and being Baker Acted after holding a gun on my dad. The meds did make a big difference, but they weren't perfect--other meds could interfere with them, sometimes they would stop working for whatever reason, even her getting a virus would impact the effectiveness. And she would spiral again.

I know your focus in on your wife and your marriage, but I so hope you don't ignore what your kids are being exposed to. They may seem "okay," but I promise you, they see and hear more than you can imagine, and they won't just shake that off, even if you and your wife do recover.

After my mom passed, my dad and I finally sat down and talked it through. He had so many regrets though I know he felt at the time he was doing the best for us. Looking back, he could then admit that his choices were the "easiest" in the sort-term, but had such long-term impacts. I hope that you will consider that as well.

I wish you the best, but my heart is really with your kids.