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So it's been a little less than a year since dday2 and lots of work later. We moved and things seem good. But I have this feeling and I can't get it to go away that something is going on. No strong evidence, no big shifts in behavior, but little changes here and there that make me sound a little crazy saying them out loud, ways of phrasing things, stuff like that has got me super paranoid. I try not to monitor, just check in every once in a while, more for my own sanity so I'm not his policewoman, but I think I have to. Will this feeling keep happening, even if there is nothing there? I just want to be able to focus on my new job and my kid and not obsess.

I’m sorry.

I get those occasionally even now, three+ years out. Trying to shut them out doesn’t really help me. I happened upon something about a year and an half ago that helps me: I record the gut feeling and what event—no matter how small—triggered the feeling. After DDay 2, which followed a month of psychologically excruciating lying and gaslighting on his part, I swore to myself that I would never ignore my gut or my common sense again. So, I have a little written record called "listening to my gut." Whenever I get feelings like you mention, I write them on that paper. It allows me to acknowledge them and record them, which somehow unburdens my mind and not obsess. I don’t actually think that anything is going on; the last time I had a strong feeling along those lines was almost a year ago. But I think it’s important to acknowledge what you’re feeling and give credence to it. I feel like by holding it as a data point on paper, I can get it from turning endless circles in my mind. I don’t know if that helps or makes sense, but it’s worked somewhat well for me.

[This message edited by Grieving at 2:10 AM, Tuesday, October 17th]

One of the things I beat myself up about is ignoring those little things. I will never do that to myself again. If I get a strange feeling about anything, I will be investigating. I already told WH the same. Before he got the benefit of the doubt, but sure won’t anymore.

Don’t ignore those little things as you call them.

That’s your intuitive sense or gut reaction speaking to you.

Listen!!!

I agree: Listen to your gut. And don't feel guilty about checking.

I really like Grieving's suggestion. If something IS going on, that would record the exact time when you were noticing something wasn't right.

My experience is that the feeling bubbles up when there's emotional distance or when something's happening that's not part of the usual routine.

You have some great advice. When things don’t seem right, I definitely go investigating. FWH expects that and will support me accordingly. It disappoints him when I need to go looking, but he will hand over devices without defensiveness. It is just part of the process.

My radar will go up when there is something out of routine for sure. And, also with distance. If he’s stressed and zoning into work or other things….for sure. But, it will even go up if he’s planning a pleasant surprise and trying to keep it a secret. Christmas and birthday gifts, etc. It is what it is.

I’ve started naming my anxiety Karen. There are plenty of times when Karen comes out to play, when there is no rational reason why…..in the form of "don’t get too comfortable, this could be possibly happening right now". To that, I say, "Whatever, Karen!". That’s my nervous system trying to keep me safe. It’s leftover debris from the A.

Thanks all. I told my fwh I was feeling nervous and he handed over all devices without hesitation and we talked a bit. I'm keeping a record as well, in case things do go bad, but I think I was picking up on some recent stress on his part.
And now I'm thinking of what to name my own Karen!

Our lizard brains are made to warn us and keep us safe. I rehearsed these "what if" scenarios in my head.

Commercial pilots go through scenario based training. They train and prepare for emergencies, so the response becomes second nature. When a warning light comes on, they go through a checklist to discover is it real or just a bad reading?

Since Dday, I have rehearsed these checklists in my head repeatedly. If a warning goes off I will look to determine if it’s a false warning.

Any sketchy behavior
Guarding the phone
Being verbally disrespectful
Running odd errands

Any of these things appear then I will drill deeper into them, calm and cool like the pilot in an emergency.

I agree: Listen to your gut. And don't feel guilty about checking.

I really like Grieving's suggestion. If something IS going on, that would record the exact time when you were noticing something wasn't right.

My experience is that the feeling bubbles up when there's emotional distance or when something's happening that's not part of the usual routine.

Thanks Sacred. And all others.

My IC told me that I need to start journaling when I get these feelings. Nobody gets to see it except me, and I can keep track of when things began to seem a bit hinky. And then I can go back if I get some kind of clarification, and keep track of my accuracy regarding false positives. I need to give my ww opportunities to regain my trust.