SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was engaged from 18-21. My Wayward Fiancé (WF) was not unlike you GF. When found out I was blown away.
Now 38 years later I am so very proud of moving on. You need to do this now. I don’t care if she’s Miss Universe. This is not going to work long term. You would torture yourself with what ifs.
There are about 8 billion women on earth. If you managed to land a 9/10 once you can certainly do it again with one that’s a good person. I did!

From what I understand from 180, I'm not to ignore her, not be nasty, angry or cold; just be calm, mildly indifferent, not overly enthusiastic, loving, caring etc.?

That is on the right track. You do not ignore her, etc. I look at it sort of this way. If a stranger came up to me on the street and politely asked me for directions, I would give them the directions in a friendly manner with a smile on my face. I would not do it in a rude manner.

If she asks you a question, then answer her in a friendly manner in as few words as possible. You don't need to embellish your answers and get into a protracted conversation with her.

The 180 tells you to be cheerful in her presence... but not overly enthusiastic. Sometimes I feel that point gets overlooked. As much as you might want to call her every nasty name you can think of, the 180 says to be nice to her as you might be to a casual acquaintance or a stranger.

(as I said, I'm a puppy)

I know you have a lot on your plate now, but there is a book that I think you can benefit from. It is called "No More Mr. Nice Guy" written by Dr. Robert Glover. It is kind of old, but it is still in print and also available on the internet.

Your girlfriend smacked you upside the head and upset your life with her infidelity. However, I think you are beginning to get your feet under you and you will come out of this situation better than ever.

Sorry you find yourself here. This sounds absolutely awful.

From what you write, there is a tremendous amount of blame shifting, unfortunately, that is actually normal, my relationship was no different, and I'm sure many other people will tell you exactly the same.

The text messages seem to indicate that she was ready to leave you if he left his wife, but perhaps he wasn't willing to make that step.

Yes, there's probably a lot of daddy issues there, she didn't leave you because she doesn't want to be without somebody. She was probably afraid to leave you, because then she would be alone if he didn't leave his wife. Surprisingly a large number of men don't leave their wives after an affair, even when they could, and they dump their affair partner when things get difficult at home. Usually, I suspect, that is because the actually more responsible and better partner in all regards is at home not cheating.

You may not be perfect, but you didn't go fuck somebody else while your partner was having difficult times.

Think about that very carefully before you continue in this relationship. When the chips were down, and shit was hitting the fan, your partner gave up and started cheating on you and lying to you, rather than leave, get help, or make more constructive decisions.

She may be able to work through that, it takes a lot of work, and a lot of counseling, year after year, learning to change your (her) behavior.

You work on you, she works on herself, and the two of you can work on the relationship if you choose to move forward with it, but at this time, unless she does a lot of work, you do not have a safe partner.

Hi Isthereapoint,

Sorry that you wound up here. You story reminds me of mine in quite a few regards.

She’s very beautiful (still is) and at that time had that crazy energy of 21 yo girl that made me fell in love with her on the first sight. I was completely struck by her, and was feeling so lucky that she wanted to be with me.

The only change I would make in that sentence is from 21 yo girl to 28 yo girl. 100% describes how I felt in the beginning and now as well.

...things started to slowly go downhill. I was more and more depressed with my work.

I would have written the same thing here.

I have and always had issues with having agency in my own life (I’m working through it with my IC now).

I would have written the same thing here.

The red flags. There were of course red flags I ignored.

I would have written the same thing here.

Triggers. Sometimes I get triggered though and get sad. She says then that she can see and feel that I’m sad and I look at her in a strange way. What am I supposed to say? That I’m mad because she had an affair and was lying to me for a long time? That I’m mad because I keep imagining them having sex?

I would have written the same thing here.

IC. I started going to IC (been there 3 times so far). Its really helpful...

I am with you here. I hope you continue.

I hope are taking good care of yourself. It's a sucky situation. You will feel better in time.

* edited typo 10.20.23 *

[This message edited by wondayatatime at 3:39 AM, Saturday, October 21st]

Suddenlyisee

Affairs are like house-fires - and DDay is like you standing on the sidewalk in your underwear at 3:00 AM with flames and smoke and flashing lights and firemen all around - still stunned from being shocked out of a sound sleep.. Now is NOT the time to process why your partner is standing 50 feet away in a party dress next to a stranger while holding a flame-thrower as she yells over to you; "This was an accident! You made me do it! I'm not sure if I liked the house anyway! This is YOUR fault! I love you! You can't prove ANYTHING!!"

Outstanding.

You really need to talk to the wife. There is too much stuff that doesn’t add up. You seem like the type of guy who needs data to make decisions and this is your best, and maybe only, way of getting that data.

Why she confessed when she did is the confusing part. It also feels like she did it out of being angry with him than doing the right thing. She may have some narcissistic traits, which discovering now would be a huge blessing.

This will not work.

It doesn't look like you're going to break up with her, only when she does with you.

She lives with you. Does she pay rent/mortgage.

Initially you were getting the sorrys and she was going to quit her job, now she's walking those promises back. You got a confession but not contrition and the way you wrote your story, you're going to microanalyse every action until she does...which she won't.

This woman is not good for your mental health. They had an EA then progressed it, you want her to apologise for doing something she wanted to do and she's trying to tell you that. She maybe sorry for hurting you, but not sorry for the sex.

Time to move on. She's no good for you.

My God, I really feel sorry for guys like you, who bury your heads in the sand, trying to flog a dead horse here buddy...

Hope you can gain back your self-respect and know your worth...

Hope they find a cure soon for the "pick me dance" and "ostrich syndrome"...

I broke up with her.

There was no point to pull this further.

We couldn't love each other the way each other wanted to be loved. Best thing is to let go. We broke up in peace (in general, altough the conversation leading up to that was emotional).

This will be a hard time for me. Our lives were very intertwined. This reminds me how much I forgot about developing myself and going further. I have to rebuild myself and take care of myself.

This night I went through her phone and learned more details (nothing new but more details). Apparently, they are in love. And this still goes on. Even though they texted that they are "not together currently", they still text how much they miss each other, love, they still meet etc. I know, nothing new for you guys here.

The GF told me that the OM wife knows, from quite some time. If they want to be in such a situation, it's their decision. I don't.

Thank you everyone for really constructive feedback. I wouldn't be able to come to decision to break up without your help. I'm really glad such a place exists. I wish the best to all of you.

[This message edited by Isthereapoint at 2:05 PM, Sunday, December 17th]

The trash took itself out, and as for the other POSOM's wife, don't waste your time meeting with her, especially if she is "ok" with that dumpster fire...

The best thing you can do, is to remove yourself completely from that shitshow and see about yourself now most and foremost...

She showed you who she is, so believe her. Count your lucky stars that you weren't married to her...

Plus relationships formed off of affairs never last, as they will eventually cheat on each other...

Good work coming to a decision. Now comes the hard part, healing. You mentioned that you feel like you lost yourself in the relationship. You might want to explore why you did that. A partner should add to our lives,not be the reason for them. You may have some codependent tendencies or unhealthy attachment issues. I know I did, and being single was the perfect time to examine and deal with those. It made me into a much stronger person and better partner.

As for telling the OBS, I'd contact her just to confirm. What you read in the phone could be bullshit, written for your benefit and to cover their asses. Or, the AP could be playing your WGF. We've heard that a million time around here. My W is cold, distant, doesn't understand me, is fine with an open marriage, we have a dead bedroom, is insane and locked in the attic...wait, that's "Jane Eyre", sorry.

Anyway, she needs agency in her life as well, so contact her. Don't tell your WGF as she will salt the well and tell her that you are crazy.

Anyway. Moving forward. You got this.

Edit to add: now that you have read their messages, you have a clearer picture of the relationship and why your WGF was not contrite or remorseful. Why, in her mind, should she apologize for what she still desires. This is why thex180 works and why actions, not words matter. Take these lessons with you and become a stronger, better version of yourself.

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 4:00 PM, Sunday, October 22nd]

I know how hard this is— and it really sucks. But you will get through it and be better for it.

So much of our intertwined lives is habit. So you have to build new habits. Keep busy. Stay in IC. Lean on your friends and family IRL.
And once you are not co-habituating, go NC. It is hard at first but is the only shortcut in healing. You are going to be fine. Really.

(Just gonna take a little time to get there.)

I am happy for you because healing is fun. You get to work out every day. Eat right! Work on yourself. You are allowed to have fun.
Soon you will reconcile with yourself.
The world is now your oyster.
I would not worry about meeting the OBS. I would send a message though!

Yes you should absolutely still contact the wife.
Cheaters lie - and they are never more serious about lying than when it comes to protecting their affair. There is a very good chance the wife doesn’t know about the affair and wouldn’t be ok with it, and that your ex girlfriend lied to you about the wife knowing, hoping you would believe her and let it go so she and her AP can continue on his end uninterrupted.

The most common lies told about one OBS from the APs to the other OBS, is either that the other OBS is ‘abusive’ ‘violent’ ‘suicidal’ or ‘they already know and don’t care’. Or the APs go with a guilt trip ‘why would you want to break up their family’. As if it isn’t their consequences that played out to bring everyone to this place.

Always bring the affair into the light completely. Even if you are done. Give everyone agency to make knowledgeable decisions. Let the consequences land where they will. I say this as someone who lived the consequences. I’ve been cheated on. And my Aunt was murdered by her affair partner. Still i say, never keep it a secret regardless of the threat.

I’m sorry for your pain.

You’re doing the right thing.

Even the professionals admit no kids, tied finances and families with a long history it’s almost impossible to come back from an affair.

You would be in for a lifetime of at least a little reoccurring pain and you will always hold at least a little resentment.

Also you never be able to trust her again.

I agree that you need to move as fast as possible to separate your self from her and go completely no contact.

The healing does not begin until she is gone so don’t drag your feet on that.

As for telling his wife absolutely you need to tell her.

1) let’s not BS a little revenge is really nice. Very few regret it and the vast majority are really happy they did.

He destroyed your relationship go ahead and nuke his.

As far as his wife knowing. What does she know.?

She saw some text?

Your girl is lying to you and he is lying to his wife. Guaranteed.

Also he is lying to your girl.

Help his wife. She is being hurt too.

Also you can look at it this way. Women can stay in abusive relationships with married men for a long time. You would be shocked. It’s a lot to get into but it’s very common.

Affairs with married men have a lot of abusive dynamics built into them that can keep women hooked.

You would still be helping your girl in the long run if his wife takes strong action.

End his party on your way out. You’ll be glad you did when you look back on this in the future.

Good luck to you. I know things will work out better it will just take time and distance.