SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ever since D-Day, my H has put up a lot of surveillance for me to assist in my recovery. Yes, we both know that a relationship is nothing without trust, and it's not healthy to have all these surveillance tools. But because trust has been broken, we felt that these surveillance were needed in the initial part of my recovery. Slowly rebuilding trust, our aim is to remove these crutches eventually, when I feel comfortable to again.

Just some examples of what we did: live camera in his room (so that I know he is indeed home when he says he's home), live location tracking, password to his instagram (so that i can access it whenever), etc.

However, in the 6 months or so of this "constant surveillance", it made me so weary and exhausted. To constantly be checking up on him to reassure myself that he's not repeating his mistakes. More importantly, it created more harm than good as it led to a lot of arguments. Upon reflection, i think that it led to more arguments because all the tracking day and night constantly reminded me of the incident and the mistake he made. I was stuck in the past and I could not move forward even though I wanted to. Triggers were more frequent, moods were lower. It felt like we were not able to move past his mistake.

Aside from the need for reassurance, i must admit that the surveillance were put up to "punish" him in a way. if he cannot be responsible for his actions and choices, then he needs to be controlled and monitored. and this mindset to punish him for his actions added a lot of negativity into the relationship.

We had one big argument (like any other couple) that made me wanted to end things with him. The argument was not related to his A, but all the unhappiness and frustration just snowballed. This led to me deleting all the tracking apps because "f* this sh* i do not care anymore. he can do whatever he wants to do" i thought to myself.

We eventually made up, and I decided to not redownload all the tracking apps because it was a good opportunity for me to try letting go. It's been 1-2 weeks, and I've never been happier since. It's only been 2 weeks and I don't wanna jinx it but I felt free from the constant tracking. There are definitely still days where i feel extremely vulnerable without those tracking apps, but i try my best to nip them in the bud before they grow into a full blown trigger. I try to remind myself that I cannot force him to change even with all the surveillance, and he can only change if he wants to.

Will openly listen to tips and advice from anyone who's been through something similar - letting go of constant tracking and learning to trust again.

Had a similar experience about 6 months post DDay. Was tracking him on Life 360. Early on it was helpful for me to feel safe. But, eventually became more of a burden to me than a help. I did the same….f-this. I’m not your babysitter. I do have to acknowledge that if he wanted another A he’d be better at hiding his tracks now. But, that leap of faith helped me and us in the longer run.

Do I still have moments where I need to go through devices? Yep, on occasion.

I still do and I’m currently looking for more ways for him to be tracked "without" him knowing.

I posted last week or so about this. I will never fully trust him again and I feel like whenever you get mad about being tracked it’s a sign you want to rekindle.

I am not trying to prevent him from cheating with my tracking- I’m trying to not be blindsided if he does.

That’s why it’s extremely important for me to have trackers/surveillance he doesn’t know about. That way if he knows about it he can’t know how to get around it he’ll just do what he wants to do.

Please don't minimize this as "a mistake." You repeatedly caught him on escort sites. Cheating is a choice.

It's no wonder you were constantly watching him. You caught him,he'd make promises, and then you'd catch him again.

It also is worrisome that he's argued with you about this.

We did not install any tracking but I can "find iphone" anytime I need to. I can also see all her SM. Over time I slowly stopped checking and relied on my gut. At any given time if alarm bells go off I will go right back to it.

If you have had repeated Ddays and he is calling it a "mistake", don't let your guard down.

Your gut is the only thing you can trust after infidelity.

The video camera in his room does seem extreme. But, if the betrayal was mostly online I guess I can see the logic. But also can see why you would want to stop. I also have stopped any tracking for weeks at a time and found it helpful. The problem with the FindMyPhone app or similar Life360 types is that they are super convenient. Most of my friends have them. People who have never had infidelity. Mind you these people have kids so there is coordination involved. And also the kids have both parents location. We use it for things like can you grab me a chicken sandwich at the local shop, i can see you are nearby. Or if I am needing to get ready for date night I will check if he is on his way home to be sure I’m getting ready. He is chronically late so I usually don’t bother to brush out my hair and stuff until he’s on the road. But, it can slip into legitimate surveillance at times so that is bad I guess.

This week his location has been going off. I know he is turning off his Wifi at work because the company’s firewall is causing him to miss some phone calls to his cell phone. A call from Wednesday sometimes doesn’t show up to his inbox until Thursday. I have seen his phone when this happens so I know it’s real. In the past I would have absolutely freaked out. This week I was kind of like oh well who cares. Because I’ve been more trusting. Then yesterday we were fighting so this morning I wanted him to make sure to keep it on.

My husband will always say he is absolutely fine and comfortable with any tracking. But then sometimes I can see it bothers him. So I am not sure what to do either. I think it is a very individual decision, not a one size fits all thing.

But I am curious to hear what other people say too…

My husband was unaware that I was tracking his movements during the first few months of our R.
He invited me to look at his phone, emails on his gadgets. He would leave them at my disposal.
I found this to be simply draining me of all my energy.
Until one day, I said to myself..".f* it! , If he wants to cheat again, he will find a way to do it. I am not his police, I am not his guardian. He is responsible to uphold my boundaries, not me."

I stopped. I could breathe again. I was free.

I remain vigilant, but no more surveillance. If something is off, I ask.