SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Can anyone who has been through successful R share their timeline?

D-day was 4.5 months ago. The first two months were horrendous, then there were some good days. We both had a stretch of a solid 2 good weeks together, now we’re in the lows again. Our anniversary was a big trigger.

There’s a lot going on. We’re both in IC. Me for the betrayal trauma. He went to figure out his why’s, revealed childhood sexual trauma and changed therapists to one that specializes in trauma. Did about 2 months of MC but stopped so we could focus on our individual work.

This just feels like pure hell. I know I love him, I do want to rebuild our marriage. He wants the same but is feeling really overwhelmed with dealing with our own issues plus seeing my pain. I want to know when it might get better. Our mental health is suffering and I don’t know how long this is sustainable.

Life IS pure hell at 4.5 months out.

There's no predictable timeline. For me, IIRC, the 1st 3 months were a nasty journey to despair, then 6-9 months of a plateau deep in some trench below the surface of life. Then a slow, slow improvement for some years.

SI's rule of thumb is 2-5 years to recover. Anecdotal evidence (conversations with others in R) is that those of us who R need longer than 5 years to feel that we've succeeded. That makes sense, since R is more work than just recovering. (Recovery heals oneself; R heals oneself and rebuilds the relationship - i.e. 'more work'.)

You're so new to this.
I rarely visit this site anymore. I'm 13+ years past Day. I had very severe PTSD from my husband's affair. My father was a cheater and that was one of the main things that I never wanted in my marriage. I didn't get married until I was almost 33 years old because I waiting on a man I could trust and depend on to be true forever. Boy did I choose wrong. He had at least two affairs and wanted to marry his last AP.
I pretty much planned to R from the start. I had no idea he was cheating when he confessed his affair to me. We had a child still at home and I swore I would never divorce - I just could not do that to my son barring physical abuse. I had not considered that an affair was mental abuse.
Nevertheless, my husband agreed immediately to counseling and we had counseling - individual for both of us and joint for 4 1/2 years. We had a great counselor. That's the point at which I had accepted his affair and was no longer thinking about it constantly, and no longer felt the anger I had once felt. I felt loving to him again and was beginning to enjoy our life together again.
I don't think it takes everyone as long as it did me, but the timeline to this point IS generally said to be 3-5 years. It's not all bad during that time, there are ups and downs. Certainly the first year is pretty horrible though.
I wish you the best. Be gentle with yourself.

Recovery...reconciliation..is not linear. Hence the infamous roller-coaster.

The first few months I was in shock. Then came the anger. Then, as he was trying to rugsweep, came the rage. That stuck around for awhile. Once it seemed he was getting it, the rage went away and I was deeply sad. The first year was about trying to get through the day. The second year, reality set in, and I realized the affair had infected every part of our lives. The third year I was adjusting to the new normal. Etc..

There's a reason we use the 3 to 5 year timeline. Every new BS wants to believe they will be the exception,and will heal faster. And,some do. But,for most, it takes years.

At 4.5 months out, your initial shock is wearing off. The anger stage is coming. I say embrace it. Let it out. He needs to hear it. Anger means you won't tolerate one more second of abuse. Anger gets things done. Eventually, the sadness will come back.

Around 5 years, give or take, the affair was a distant memory. The sting was barely noticeable, for the most part. But triggers still happen. And, honestly, considering what I am currently dealing with I advise all BS to always pay attention to any red flags and ALWAYS trust your gut. The sad truth is, if they did it once, they might just do it again,even if they do the work. (Mine did. I'm not a fool. I wasn't blind. He did the damn work.) Yet,here I am..again.
A BS needs to accept that if they reconcile.

[This message edited by HellFire at 5:44 PM, Friday, November 3rd]

All of the above. There is not a timeline, it is a roller coaster. And as much as we would like to find a short cut as a BS, there is no short cut. I think there is a formula, it is consistent throughout this forum. Others have written it out better than I can ever do it. But it boils down to this...work on you first. Deal with the trauma and become stronger. Make WS do the work to find out their why's and deal with them. Make radical honesty a big part of your marriage (that takes a ton of time and effort). Learn to let go. Find a constructive way to deal with triggers. Lose the victim mentality and take charge of your own recovery.

There is no shortcut. Healing takes time and effort.

I feel mostly recovered and reconciled....but it has nearly been 5 years for me. I had pretty significant trauma in my life...and ptsd. It is brutal in those early months. Please, please....treat yourself kindly. Make your needs your own priority. The path is in no way linear. I'd have good days only to tank to new levels of low.

Not feeling that this is sustainable at this point in your timeline seems totally normal....if any of this IS normal.

I’m almost 3.5 years out and am still recovering, though it’s much, much better and isn’t something that dominates my mind anymore. The first year was absolute hell. The second was a little better, but like Sisoon said so eloquently, I was sunk deep in a plateau of numbness and sorrow. Things started getting better around the 2.5 year mark. I’m mostly fine now, but there’s still some rebuilding we need to do in our relationship and i haven’t fully figured out what that path looks like.

I’m sorry you’re in the thick of things. It’s miserable and unfair. Things will get better, but I don’t think there are any shortcuts. Betrayal cuts deep, and the road to healing is long.

I'm a BH and our 2 year Dday anniversary is in 6 weeks.

I'm better.

I'm not great.

And she's done almost everything she can to reconcile.

But I was a crying mess for 6 months, I was 50 and cried more in those 6 months than in my first 50 years, including being a baby I'm pretty sure.

The roller coaster dives less often and less deep.

I actually forgot one of the "triggers" and of course being me I had to get myself to remember it, but the fact I forgot it was one helps.

I can see if it continues as it is, I'll have a peace eventually.

But there hasn't been a day I haven't thought of it, gone over it in my head, and played what if games.