SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Haunted by the affair
More than 12 months after discovery, Im still haunted by this. He appeared to have had sex with her only once. However he shared he had previously thought of being with her on occasions when she worked once per week at her house. She was the house keeper. I feel awful that he could have taken such an interest in another woman with me there at the house totally unsuspecting.

I've heard from others that the time around the one year mark is difficult. My therapist says it's trauma that causes us to relive a lot of the feelings around the same time of year, so that might be making things tougher for you? I know it is definitely harder for me right now, also around 12 months from dday1.

I also wonder if you are struggling because it took place in your home and you're living in the same place. That's a lot of in-your-face triggers that must make it hard to keep it off your mind. Plus, you might feel unsafe there because of what happened. Is there any chance that you can move?

The standard advice around here for recovery time, which was also true in my case, is about 2-5 years. It's normal for the triggers and emotions to still pack a huge punch at this stage.

What is your H doing to make himself a safe partner?

Thanks for all your support. It means a lot to me. It’s very difficult for me to move to another house at the moment. My H is very open with me on where he is etc.no secrets, he does take me out & includes me in many aspects of his life.

When I’m in unbearable pain & try to tell him, he gets very angry that I’m not forgiving him. Essentially he wants me to block it out & never discuss again. This anger is so upsetting to me.

He feels I just want to continuously punish him. It’s just that I’m so tired of the narrative in my head & lack of good sleep. Thanks again really because I had no one else to vent to, not even family. This is the first that I’ve been able to vent in a safe place.

When I’m in unbearable pain & try to tell him, he gets very angry that I’m not forgiving him. Essentially he wants me to block it out & never discuss again. This anger is so upsetting to me.

This is a big problem for a lot of WSes. He is still in self-defense mode, and he hasn't yet accepted the terribleness of what he's done. He wants to avoid facing your pain and "rug-sweep" the whole thing, i.e. never talk about it. Unfortunately, this kind of behavior will prolong your pain and prevent healing. Has he done any therapy for himself? He has to open himself up to understand why he cheated on you. What are his internal problems that allowed him to act this way, and how is he going to change himself to be a better spouse?

As for yourself, I hope you can get some therapy, too. If not, please keep posting here and do some reading or watch the videos by Affair Recovery (they are free on YouTube). You need to work on your own healing, even if that means moving to a separate room or out of the house for a while. Maybe you can make an excuse to go visit family for a week? Sometimes getting space from the source of your pain (your WS's anger, the house itself) can help the anxious part of your brain relax. Right now, it's probably stuck in fear and fight-or-flight response, which leads to hypervigilance, which is very tiring. Getting yourself into a situation where your subconscious mind feels safe should be your priority.

he gets very angry that I’m not forgiving him. Essentially he wants me to block it out & never discuss again.

How convenient that he gets to feel this way but yet feels no empathy for this...

I’m so tired of the narrative in my head & lack of good sleep.

It doesn't sound remorseful after a year. He may need to research just how traumatizing an A is to a BS. That it takes at least 2-5 years to heal. The pain of the A will always be a memory for you.

Has he read any books on this? Seen an IC to figure out why he would want to cause so much harm to the person he loves. If he cannot look at himself and wants to rugsweep this, it will never get better. You will not get better while around him.

What so many people who have never been betrayed don't understand is that infidelity heaps enormous emotional trauma on the betrayed spouse. The one person we relied upon to keep us safe and put us first... didn't. They betrayed us. They deceived us. They hurt us. And then when they expect us to just go on like nothing happened and get angry when we can't, they're retraumatizing us.

He feels I just want to continuously punish him.

If he ever wants to get to a point where he's not feeling punished by the consequences of his own actions, he needs to OWN his bad behavior, figure out what made him capable of such a betrayal, figure out what he needs to do so that he never betrays anyone ever again, and acknowledge and atone for the pain that he caused you. He's got a lot of work to do and, right now, he either doesn't understand that or isn't interested in doing it. You might need a third party to set him straight, such as a therapist. I strongly recommend that you seek a therapist who specializes in trauma and/or sexual addiction. Even if he doesn't have a sexual addiction, therapists with this specialty are typically well versed in infidelity recovery.

I am a long way out from the A. But I remember all of this. She wanted so much to just sweep it under a rug and forget it. After all, I forgave her right? I reminded her that this was a trauma she created, so she gets to live with it as long as it causes me pain. She finally learned that sitting with the pain, and understanding it, then apologizing was the way to help me heal. For many waywards, they want to say they are sorry and move on. They don't want to sit with the pain, they don't want to sit with you in pain. The "I'm sorrys" are just blow offs meant to get you off the subject. They may really be sorry for the act, but do not understand the pain. So without understanding, they cannot be sorry. I don't have great advice, except to remind him he created this, he has to help fix it.

Forgiveness means different things to different people. I felt like it meant I had told her that there was no way to "repay" the debt she owed fully. But it did not mean that she was relieved of the work that she needed to do to make some amends. I hope that makes sense. I am sorry is a start, but work must be done. It starts with sitting in the trauma they caused and understanding it.

I reminded her that this was a trauma she created, so she gets to live with it as long as it causes me pain. She finally learned that sitting with the pain, and understanding it, then apologizing was the way to help me heal. For many waywards, they want to say they are sorry and move on. They don't want to sit with the pain, they don't want to sit with you in pain.

Thank you woundedbear. This is the best explanation I’ve come across thus far on this site. Succinct, to the point. This. All of this.

BB