SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Word choice has intent don’t forget that.

Sometimes a person doesn’t have enough self awareness to acknowledge they use words to influence perception, but that doesn’t mean they can’t manipulate syntax like nobody’s business.

I don’t agreed that a married person can have a girlfriend. The word girlfriend implies a status that does exist, at least in the definition of marriage I live in.

Girlfriend implies an authenticity that is absent if you cheat in secret taking away your partners agency.

The use of language and the acceptance of terms like girlfriend and mistake annoy me. It is a passive aggressive lack of responsibility.

She had a side piece or affair partner. One of the things I’ve learned along the way is that it’s okay to agree to disagree.

A lot of people don’t have experience with infidelity. They don’t know much or buy into the unmet need philosophy or the heart wants what the heart wants crap.

My experience is that my sensitivity to the magical word salad that takes a planned, intentional, deceitful, choice driven betrayal into a mistake… comes from a desire to be representative of what happened. Words can make people uncomfortable, especially those that want to maintain neutrality.

I don’t need fence sitters. Your friend doesn’t get it and it’s okay, but it’s a good sign you don’t need much advice from her.

[This message edited by redrock at 3:59 PM, Sunday, March 10th]

Pain and anger are absolutely expected right now. You will get through this though, with or without your WW.

I am glad you dumped the IC. He obviously did not have extensive experience with infidelity as even an hour on one of the multiple forums would show him his primary perspective is incorrect. I do believe that some poor marriages set up the conditions for a WS to be tempted to get their needs met elsewhere. But it is also very common for infidelity to occur in an otherwise stable, good marriage. It happens all the time. Make that understanding a precondition for your next IC.

I agree that the non sex related betrayals can be the worst thing in some A. Or they are simply the thing that makes it all too much to recover from. My experience was very different from yours; a one time event, confessed right away. But the more painful thing was it was with a good friend. That part I really couldn't understand, apart from the alcohol involved. After much deliberation, I dumped the friend but chose R. He was always pushing boundaries with women, I didn't think he would do it with my gf. It was a very, very good decision for me to R (and marry) but your betrayal is more severe and no one would blame you for choosing D. My brother's wife actually separated from him and tried to see if the grass was greener. It was an obvious, direct rejection but he took her back. He rugswept it though, which isn't good in the long run.

Are you taking care of yourself? Food, water, exercise? Doing things you enjoy, or at least attemtping to? Connecting with people?

[This message edited by Trdd at 4:24 PM, Sunday, March 10th]

How’s it going twin flamed. Are you back home yet?

Twinflamed:

I am late to your thread but have now read the whole thing, and wow, you have been getting incredible advice! You have also showed an unusual ability to be introspective and question your own thoughts and behaviors, which we often lose in the throes of betrayal. Just stay on course for protecting yourself.

Meanwhile, that book that was recommended to you for your wife to read, How to Help Your Spouse Heal from your Affair, is something you should read also. I recommend this a lot to BSs as it will educate YOU about what to look for in her BEHAVIOR (not just words) to determine if she really wants to re-build your marriage. This book saved my marriage because I got that education, insisted my WH read it in short order (it is short), and HE learned to stop trying to rugsweep everything and do the work he needed to do, including getting a lot of IC. What makes this book different from others is that it is PRACTICAL advice directed at the WS and essentially gives them a recipe for proving to their BS that 1) they understand your pain; and 2) they want you to feel safe again.

I hope you keep posting even you think you are repeating yourself. We are all strangers, but we are human beings who understand what you are going through.

All the best to you.

Odonna

How are you Twinflamed?

Hello! It's been quite a while since my last post. I am in a very dark place. I am not doing well. I am back at home with my wife. This post will be very long and all over the place. So please forgive me.

I don't know how to say this. I still feel paralyzed thinking about it. A few weeks ago, my dear wife attempted to take her own life by getting OD'd on painkillers at her parents house. She has been depressed and in panic mode since dday. She repeatedly made a series of bad choices, and this was supposed to be her last bad choice. Fortunately, she survived. That's the only good news in the past few weeks. We forced her to see an IC. She was very reluctant at first, but eventually she obliged. Right now, she is seeing a therapist who deals with depression and suicidal patients. She has attended three sessions so far. She says it has been very helpful and an eye-opening experience, and that she finally sees the merit in this. I do see her trying to adapt healthy coping mechanisms whenever she is feeling low and disturbed. It's still too early to make a proper judgment of her progress. I am a self-employed civil engineer and also run a family business on the side. I am bringing my wife with me whenever I go for site supervision or to look after my business. I make sure that she is under my supervision all the time. I even requested that some of her friends take her on their social outings. They are helping to keep her busy and distracted. 

I recently ended my 8-year alcohol sobriety. I am going through a lot of stress and raw emotions now. I am in constant 
fear of losing my wife... I mean literally. I also realized on the day of her attempt that I am still hopelessly in love with her. I almost had a heart attack that day when I heard the news. I was also extremely angry at her AP. I blamed him for my wife's attempt to end her life. I wanted him to face consequences for his actions. My life is spiraling down, and I am losing control over my life and my sanity. I blamed him for that, too. So, I thought beating him up would be a very good step in taking back control over my life. I seriously believed in that. Thankfully, during one of my meditative sessions, I realized how stupid, flawed, and dangerous that logic was. But still, this wayward thought of crossing a certain line to 'feel in control' didn't go away. So, instead, I chose a lesser evil. I decided to get drunk with my buddies. I sent my wife to a girls night out with her friends whiIe I went out with her friends husbands to our community club and got drunk the whole night. We played ping pong for hours, which we absolutely suck at playing, and on top of that, we were too drunk to play it. But that didn't stop us. We did painting, too. We tried painting our respective wives pictures. Painting was my passion. I stopped doing it a long time ago (God knows why). I thought I had forgotten how to paint. But, evidently, that passion and skill are still alive in me. Even in an absolutely drunken state, I was able to draw a decent picture of my wife. The challenge was to draw the picture from our memory in a drunken state. I still managed to win the competition. I guess I am not a total loser. That was really a great night. I felt 8 years younger. Although I now regret getting drunk, I could have had fun without the booze involved, which I had done in the past many times. Anyway, I showed that painting to my wife, and she got very emotional. Then later, she was devastated when I told her that I was no longer sober. I had intentionally not informed her beforehand what I had planned to do at that night with my boys. She immediately blamed herself for what I had done. She was crying. I didn't feel good. I am pretty sure that was my intention behind not informing her. I wanted her to blame herself. But when she did blame herself, I didn't feel good. I felt worse. She was already at the lowest point of her life. For Godsake, she even tried to end her life. And here I was being petty and childish and trying to bury her deep with more guilt and shame. I was being cruel. I was being inhuman. I immediately told her it wasn't her fault. I made the choice to end my sobriety. I am alone at fault here. I also apologized to her for my petty attempt to hurt her. 

I am now blaming myself for her recent attempt. I feel I should have handled the post-D-Day crisis in a more mature and sensible way. I pushed her too hard. And she cracked. I was so consumed by my self-pity that I forgot she was hurt, too. I agree that it was a self-inflicted wound for her, but nonetheless, it was still a wound, and she needed help. I should have reached out to her and treated her with common decency and dignity, if not as a husband, then at least as a fellow human being. Instead, I showed her a cold shoulder. If I had lost her, I would have never forgiven myself. I still believe divorce is the best option for us, and this time I want to do it in a humane way. I still love her. I don't think I will ever leave her side unless she 
wants me to. I will be in her life in one form or another. We still haven't had sex since dday. I still fail to find her sexually attractive. I guess, on dday, something changed at a fundamental level in our relationship. I am still not sure about her feelings for this guy. She claimed she didn't love him. But this whole twinflame thing feels too real to be nothing. Her actions and choices during her affair tell a different story. My point is that being sexual with a woman whose heart may be longing for somebody else feels very immoral and humiliating. I guess, for me to find her sexually attractive again, I need to know with absolute certainty that she indeed didn't and doesn't love this guy. 

So, my state of mind these past few days has made me realize that I am in a troubled state and that I, too, need professional help asap. If I intend to escape this nightmare unscathed and also help my dear wife escape hers, then I have to take back control of my life and my sanity through a healthy and righteous approach. A very good friend of mine has found me a therapist who deals with infidelity and patients with messed-up partners. Tomorrow is my first session with this woman. I hope she is a good therapist. Fingers crossed!

I don't know how common or uncommon it is for a wayward to try and attempt suicide after committing brutal betrayal. I don't know if any of you have any experience with this kind of situation or have knowledge of it. Still, I want help from you people. I want my wife to be safe and healthy. I want her to get back to normalcy and be her old self—the goofy, shy looking wild woman. I want to know what else I can do to help her heal. What else can I do to get her back on the safer side? I want her to know that she HAS a life beyond me. I want her to know that she is not a BROKEN person. Yes, she made messy choices, but I refuse to believe that she is a broken human. 1 year of bad choices will not negate the rest of her life. She has made pretty insanely good decisions in her life. All that amounts to something, right? I tried to convey this to her. But whenever I tell her, "There is a life beyond me," she gets very emotional and shuts down immediately. I am finding it very difficult to communicate this message to her. She is scared that I will leave her. Whenever we aren't doing anything, she comes to me and holds my hand. She doesn't want to leave my side. Sometimes, I find it amusing, and other times, it is very sad. I don't mind giving her a bear hug all the time. Actually, I do give her a bear hug all the time we aren't doing anything. But seeing her scared and wounded is hurting me. Her last therapy session did seem to have a positive effect on her. She did seem more relaxed and less scared these last few days. She even agreed to go out with her friends. I know she needs more time to heal, and I need to be more patient about her progress. It's just that the shock of her suicide attempt hasn't worn off, and I desperately want her to get back to the safer side. So, any advice on how to get her out of this dangerous mindset will be wholeheartedly welcomed. 

Thanks for reading this messy post. I salute your patience.

Sorry to read this, that’s a lot of trauma. I’m a BS who tried to end his life after D day. Your relationship with your wife sounds painfully codependent and toxic. I really believe it would be best if she went into a mental health facility for a while then back to her parents. You should stop contacting her and get back into a 12 step program for your sobriety. I doubt you’re helping anyone by taking her around with you.

You both need help, separately. A recently relapsed alcoholic is probably not the best choice to be guardian of someone who recently attempted to end their life. I know you want to help her but think what you would say if you heard someone else in this situation. Get separate help.

I apologize in advance for the comment.

Don't blame yourself for your wife's situation, don't think that she did these things because she lost you, (50/50 maybe)

Until a few days ago your wife had an emotional/physical relationship with om that made her feel happy, she had no problem lying to you every day.
Honestly, what you wrote proves that your wife prefers om and not you.

You were the man she had to stay with for the sake of her children/image in the social circle, you were the 2nd person and
You were the provider (abandoning every plan with you for him)

Your wife was happy with her life, she was with two men who were in love with her and she was proud of herself, (ego satisfaction)

now she mourns her losses

You want a divorce, Om cannot provide her with what you provide, she cannot compensate for her losses in social/family life, she wants the life she is used to, (she misses being a woman who has fun with two men)

Don't think you understand her either, arrange therapy for her and continue to put your own affairs in order.

You need to put yourself first, focus on your mental and physical health, stay away from alcohol.

you have to draw and protect boundaries, it may seem cold but that's the way it should be,

finally

om has been informed about your wife's suicide attempt?, check if they contacted om,

That is a lot of trauma, even by SI standards. Please take care of yourself first and that allows you to care for others as needed. I hope the counselor is right for you.

I am impressed with your care and concern for your wife despite her betrayal. It demonstrates your level of virtue and sets a good example for many of us. We have seen suicide attempts here before by both WS and BS. At least one WS tried, failed but later succeeded with her second attempt. I think we often minimize the depth of pain some WS can experience when they face their actions head on and realize they have been the villain in their own story.

I always love it when people take accountability. However, I feel like you may be taking more accountability than you need to or should be taking. You need to give yourself some grace. You were deeply betrayed and 'losing it' a bit is to be expected, don't you think? You did not drive her to attempt suicide, she did that on her own. Drinking again was unfortunate but I don't think you only did it to hurt her. Even if that was your sole intent, it is understandable that you wanted some mechanism for her to grasp how much pain she put you in.

The 'did she love him and does she still love him' question is one that has been debated extensively here by many BS and WS. Many people at SI end up concluding that an A that is not an exit A is based on a mix of self validation, inner brokeness and a dopamine fueled fantasy world that is self perpetuating. I think all those things are true in most A. But a long term affair with painful declarations like your WW wrote and many decisions where she actively disregarded you on posom's behalf makes it harder to accept that interpretation only.

I think your WW felt like she really loved posom and demonstrated that repeatedly at your expense during her A. The facts support that clearly. However, she also seems to have 'come out of the fog' pretty rapidly post Dday and that supports the 'it was all a fantasy' interpretation. So you have a situation where both seem to be true. WS in the dopamine fantasy often say it felt like love but after the fact they realize how deceived they were. The whole dynamic is crazy and hard to understand. Perhaps the real issue is your need for her to not be in love with him now. That is perhaps easier to determine because you can see it through her ongoing actions post dday. I know she broke NC but has it happened again? Is her depression fuled by destroying her life and marriage or is part of it pining for him? It doesn't feel like she is still pining or in the fog but what do you see?

You are planning to D her yet acknowledge she will likely stay in your life. Does that mean D to signal the marriage was destroyed but you are open to R and a new relationship with her? Or just try to remain friends? It's an ongoing decision I believe but I am curious where your heart is now.

So, up front, one of the reasons I come to this site is partly due to my own experience with infidelity, but primarily because of my parents' experience. TLDR version is my mother committed suicide following my father's multiple affairs. A few years later, my sister successfully committed suicide, in part influenced by the trauma of our mother leaving us both. My father remains a shell of who he should be.

I say this to say I have spent a lifetime ruminating on suicide. What I've learned is that while it usually looks causal, suicide is typically not because of one thing or another. People who attempt suicide are inherently broken people with flawed thinking. They are broken long before their attempts.

You cannot assume any responsibility for what your wife did, nor should the POSOM frankly. She has agency. She is clearly self-destructive. Only she can fix what is broken in her. You can't White Knight her; to do so only delays your and her healing.

What she did to you is despicable. She doesn't get a pass. She has to face that. I think since you know her psyche is about as stable as a bag of cats, you can also safely surmise her "true" feelings for her POSOM aren't real. He likely sensed her frailty and exploited it, but she did all those things with him willingly and enthusiastically. She has to account for that.

I am consistently impressed with your self-control. This guy deserves to have every bad thing happen to him, but I'm happy you're realizing it's not at the expense of your own life. You will get past this.

Counterintuitively, she needs to face the consequences of what she did to heal, but you holding her accountable isn't punishing her. She'll do that more than enough for you both. If her affair is a deal-breaker--and I can't imagine it wouldn't be--then continue on your path. You putting yourself first by focusing on your own mental health doesn't take anything away from her. You're both stronger than you think.

Also, cut out the drinking. You know you can do it, so get right back on the wagon right now and keep on going. Phone a friend, go to meetings...do what you need to stay sober. This too shall pass.

Keep posting, and stay strong.

[This message edited by 1994 at 4:50 PM, Friday, March 29th]

What I got out of your last post, is that you are putting yourself on fire to warm your WW.

This saviour complex in you is so strong, that you are willing to forego your own mental and emotional health for your WW.

The other possibility is that your WW has been manipulating you with her pity party for herself, and you eagerly accepted the invite.

What you NEED to do, is to look out for yourself first. As on aircraft, when the oxygen mass drop, you put one on yourself first. If you don't, then you will not be able to help those that depend on you.

I really believe it would be best if she went into a mental health facility.

She was vehemently opposed to this idea. She agreed to go to therapy just so she could avoid being admitted to a mental facility. She is doing better now. I believe therapy is helping. But again, it's too early to say.

get back into a 12 step program for your sobriety.

I don't think it's necessary. I never had an alcohol addiction issue. I gave up alcohol and smoking 8 years ago when I decided to become a new person. I will be sober again. That is not an issue. I drank because... I think I wanted to make a statement. A bad statement!!

You both need help, separately.

 
We are getting help separately. But I can't get away from her right now. I need some more time before I physically separate from her.

You want a divorce, Om cannot provide her with what you provide, she cannot compensate for her losses in social/family life, she wants the life she is used to, (she misses being a woman who has fun with two men).

OM did ask her to leave me for him, and she said, "No!". I have given her the option to leave me for him, and I promised her that I would be fair and reasonable to her during the D process. She still wants to be with me.

At least one WS tried, failed but later succeeded with her second attempt.

That is shocking, messed up, and very disturbing. My condolences to their family.

I am curious where your heart is now.

Ya. I am open to R, but she needs to fulfill specific conditions before I go that route. Right now, I am sticking with the plan some of you suggested, i.e., to follow the D route while keeping the R door open. But whenever I think of her A and the details of it, I feel that D is the best option for us. Like you mentioned, she does seem to have gotten out of the fog pretty rapidly. I find it too good to be true. Sudden 180 after such an intense affair! Anyway, I will worry about that later. Right now, I just want her to get better.

Right now, at this moment, I want to be in her life in one form or another. Not necessarily as a husband or boyfriend. Just as a friend is fine with me, I just want to make sure she is safe. Maybe this is a savior mentality. 

TLDR version is my mother committed suicide following my father's multiple affairs. A few years later, my sister successfully committed suicide, in part influenced by the trauma of our mother leaving us both. My father remains a shell of who he should be.

Oh God!! One tragedy after another. I can't imagine what you went through as a child. I am happy that you are doing alright now and extending your support and wisdom to people like me. Thank you, sir.

I think since you know her psyche is about as stable as a bag of cats, you can also safely surmise her "true" feelings for her POSOM aren't real.

She wasn't like this. She was always a very stable and level-headed woman. It was during COVID that she started to change. Miscarriage made it worse.

He likely sensed her frailty and exploited it,

That's another reason why I hate him. Preying on a weak mind is such a despicable thing to do.

I have no intention of giving her any pass. She will have to face the consequences. Actually, she is already facing them.

I am consistently impressed with your self-control.

Thanks to all the work I have done on myself for the past many years. Alcohol was never my addiction. It was violence. Self-control is an absolute necessity. 

What I got out of your last post, is that you are putting yourself on fire to warm your WW.

You won't believe it. My therapist said the same exact thing to me in our first session. The only difference is that instead of 'fire', she used the term 'harm'. I get your point. My therapist spent our whole first session trying to make me understand that what I was doing was unhealthy and dysfunctional.

Your therapist is right. But also, the suicide attempt complicates things. I can put myself in your shoes but I still do not have an answer for the immediate future.

While women are the ones who initiate/manage relationships, men also try to make women choose them. It is not an honest point of view to deny this.

You should ask for honesty about your wife's history with Om and her emotional state when they started working at the same workplace, what did she think about the possibility of a relationship?

My wife refused om!

"Those who cheat on their spouses do not dream of a future with a cheating partner." They do not take risks.

Moreover, she will be known as a woman who cheated on her husband with her colleague and left him for om,

How many people want to wear this label among their colleagues, children, family and social circle? None of the cheaters want/accept to call themselves homewreckers.

When you leave the picture, the magic of the relationship ends.

(relationships will always end. om adds someone permanently to his life/wife gets bored of om, starts to be interested in a different partner/relationship gets noticed etc.)

People who cheat want to stay with a stable partner who they know will never cheat on them." You are a safe harbor.

(Is this love?)

Put yourself first, take some time away from your wife and start your own therapy,

Even looking at those rings right now triggers you, you have to accept that this marriage is over.

You can stay in touch with your wife, you can remarry if you want, but right now divorce is a good choice.

It is easy to say she cheated, I divorced her, she fought to win me, we are together.

I have to say it again.

after the divorce your wife may want to continue with om/others. even this will be a relief for you. you will have an answer to your questions.

I have a quick update.

For the past week, I and my wife have been having deep conversations every day, and two days ago, we had our first breakthrough conversation. I told my wife what my therapist had suggested to me, i.e., to recognize my trauma and immediately work towards healing from it. I told her I was under unbearable pain and stress. I can't be constantly worried about her safety. I told her that we need to come up with a certain plan to navigate through this crisis without worrying and hurting each other until we are capable of deciding what we want for our better future. To my surprise, she didn't shut herself down this time. She was very cooperative this time. She seemed to recognize what I was going through. She was sympathetic to my pain. I informed her that we will take a week or 2 to come up with a basic plan, and then we can build upon it as we move forward. She agreed to that. She thanked me for giving her another chance. D is still not out of the question. But I decided not to remind her of that. She was in a good mood, and I needed her to answer some of my long-awaited questions. 

One of the questions was about the authenticity of her feelings for her AP during her A. Her answer was that she didn't know whether they were true or not. (This is a very different answer to the one she gave to me during her second TL discussion.) What she knows with certainty is that her feelings during her A were intense and totally out of her control. She claims her A did lose steam in the last 2 months before dday. Her feelings in those 2 months were dominated by immense guilt and shame. When I asked her why she didn't end her A if she was experiencing immense guilt, she blamed her everyday physical proximity to her AP as the culprit. She felt pain and guilt when she was with me. She felt less guilt and no pain when she was with him. That was when she realized she was in a seriously unhealthy relationship with him. She started this as a distraction. It helped her not to feel the void. She immediately got addicted, and it started hurting her with guilt and shame. Instead of getting out of A, she continued with it, because now it was distracting her from guilt and shame. She further claims that, in a twisted way, dday had a liberating affect on her. Part of her was somewhat relieved that her double-secretive life came to an end and now she can live authentically. 

I don't think she was lying here. I feel she is genuinely trying to understand why she did what she did. So far, she has not put the blame on me to justify her A. It's very unusual compared to what we normally get to see in many of the stories here. 
She came to me yesterday and said she was planning on writing another TL. This will cover the time period from 2020 to the day she attempted suicide. She wants to trace back the source of her current dysfunctionality. She believes it all started in 2020, and her A was the symptom of it. This is something her therapist suggested she do. I am more than happy to see her taking steps towards healing. She has also been reading various healing books. 

There is one thing she revealed that really frustrated me. On the day of her attempt, she sent me many love messages. Some of them were emotional goodbyes. At that time, I didn't care to read them. My bad! Some of her messages made it very clear that she was about to do something drastic. Anyway, she said that she did contemplate sending her AP a goodbye message. In fact, she did actually write a message, and after half an hour of contemplation, she decided not to send him any message because then that would be a violation of NC, and she didn't want to break my heart again. (Yeah! And suicide wouldn't break my heart, right?!) When I asked her what she wrote, she said it was an apology message. She is still in a delusion that her POS AP is a victim. Anyway, I didn't argue with her on this. She is trying to understand her A for what it was. So eventually, she will see her AP for who he was. I think I don't have to worry about this too much. 

How many people want to wear this label among their colleagues, children, family and social circle? None of the cheaters want/accept to call themselves homewreckers.

If cheaters are worried about such labels, then none of them would cheat in the first place. There are plenty of examples of cheaters leaving their SO for AP after getting caught.

People who cheat want to stay with a stable partner who they know will never cheat on them." You are a safe harbor.

I don't think so. My opinion is that most cheaters tend to believe that anyone can cheat given the chance, including their spouse. Many cheaters never thought they would cheat, but they did. So that makes them believe that everyone can and will cheat, given the opportunity. Their own cheating behavior cements this cynicism. For them, no one is a safe harbor. That is why they tend to become extremely selfish and self-absorbed during and many times after their A. 

Put yourself first, take some time away from your wife and start your own therapy,

I have started my therapy. Thank you. 

Even looking at those rings right now triggers you, you have to accept that this marriage is over.

I agree. This marriage, in its current form, has ended. 

I still do not have an answer for the immediate future.

So do I.

Sorry for making a quick update into a long one.

Thank you for your update, and while this is extremely difficult for you both to go through, I'm glad you're going through it with poise. She was definitely sick, and she's finally cracking the surface of that.

You're under no obligation to forgive her for her, but you will need to forgive her for yourself. It doesn't have to mean anything for your relationship, as you can still walk away at any time. But in order for yourself to heal, you will have to decide when is the right time to allow yourself to start to let go of the trauma. It'll still follow you, possibly forever, but it will hold less power over you as time goes on.

I still remember the exact night I realized that I could forgive my wife. I still think about what she did every single day, but I'm more cognizant of how I treat her. It's allowed us to move forward instead of remain stalled.

I want to challenge one statement.

If cheaters are worried about such labels, then none of them would cheat in the first place. There are plenty of examples of cheaters leaving their SO for AP after getting caught.

I would have thought the same thing, but there are a surprisingly large number of WSs here who bristle at the idea that their BS would cheat. Revenge Affairs are frowned upon (I myself had a very tame RA and really paid the price for it), but even if not, all-too-many WSs suddenly find religion when their spouse starts getting attention from folks outside their marriage.

It seems to speak to their sense of entitlement: all for me and none for thee, because they deserve to be happy and no one will know.

While there are plenty of examples of WSs leaving for their APs, most really contort themselves into unnatural shapes to make it look like the new relationship just happened after the end of their prior relationship.

I'll add a reminder that you can't worry about her healing at the expense of your own. Get yourself healthy first. Stay strong.

[This message edited by 1994 at 7:09 PM, Wednesday, April 3rd]

Twinflamed, it seems like you are carrying the burden of her self discovery at the cost of your healing. Ideally you should take a temporary break, heal and work on yourselves individually and then reconnect if that is what you both want. Right now, she is tethered to you and has held you hostage emotionally. This is not a healthy dynamic that you want to carry forward in your new marriage, if you want to save it. Right now her actions are totally driven by the fear of you leaving.

Wow she has you over a barrel right now. You may see it hit I suspect you aren't willing to accept the level of manipulation she has over you right now.

You need to involve family and friends. It is NOT your responsibility to keep her safe. She is a grown ass adult and is responsible for her own choices and actions. You being her KISA right now is an extremely unhealthy dynamic. Like others have said you are setting yourself on fire to keep her warm. It's not a sustainable or healthy way to move forward. You can demand boundaries and needs as well. If she has refused inpatient psych care the make her stay with other family or friends. It is absolutely ok for you to draw a line in the sand too. If you don't do X then I can't be y.
If she suits the bed so to speak then you can chalk all this up to manipulation. As a nurse of 30+ years I have seen so many suicide attempts that are sheer manipulation efforts. Until that is manipulation is stopped no matter how serious the attempt is it will not stop. Same people time and again coming through. Knowing the right answers for the psych eval to allow them out. You are definitely at a disadvantage now. It's up to you to stop it and take back control.

I still remember the exact night I realized that I could forgive my wife.

What I realize is that, right now, I am pretty far from forgiving her. But I do want to forgive her. Like you said, I do have to let go of the trauma to heal myself, and forgiving is a good step in that direction. I don't want to fill my mind and heart with hate. It's toxic and unhealthy for me. It's a burden of another kind. But, right now, my heart isn't into forgiving her. She needs to earn it first. Thank you for the advice.

I would have thought the same thing, but there are a surprisingly large number of WSs here who bristle at the idea that their BS would cheat. Revenge Affairs are frowned upon (I myself had a very tame RA and really paid the price for it), but even if not, all-too-many WSs suddenly find religion when their spouse starts getting attention from folks outside their marriage.

I don't know, man. Trying to understand a wayward's mind is not my cup of tea. I am trying to understand my own wife, and I don't think I have even scratched the surface. I have ceded that responsibility to my wife. Let her explain why she did what she did. If she lies or her truth doesn't workout for me, then I leave. That's all I can do.  

Twinflamed, it seems like you are carrying the burden of her self discovery at the cost of your healing.

Not entirely true. We are going to ICs, and pretty soon we will be attending couple counseling. We both are reading healing books to better understand our trauma and ways to escape it. We are also coming up with a plan to help us navigate through this crisis. This plan will deal with boundaries, communication, transparency, and healing. She is also tracing the source of her problematic behavior. Yeah, she is on the path of self-discovery, but I don't feel she is doing that at the cost of my welfare. For the past week, she has been very cooperative and proactive.

Ideally you should take a temporary break, heal and work on yourselves individually and then reconnect if that is what you both want.

 
I did take a short break, which got abruptly ended after she attempted S. I can't abandon her at this moment. I think if we both stick to therapy and healing, we can escape this dysfunctionality and make it better, regardless of the status of our marriage. We have taken steps. It takes time to see the results.

Right now her actions are totally driven by the fear of you leaving.

Isn't that true for all waywards? Their initial actions are always driven by the fear of being abandoned by their BS. It's not right, but it's hardly surprising. 

You need to involve family and friends.

Friends have been involved. They have been a great help to us. The family was also involved, but she says she doesn't want to stay with her parents, especially with her mother. My sister is her best friend. She has been checking on my wife on a regular basis. My parents, too, have offered their help. So, I am not here wholly on my own. I got support. 

It is NOT your responsibility to keep her safe.

Easier said than done (No offense to you, mam). I can't yet abandon that responsibility. I still love her, and I am still her husband. Ya, she hurt me, but she's still my family. 
I will try to do what I am doing now for a few more months. If I find out later that this is unsustainable and unhealthy, then I will back off. I will try an alternative. 

You can demand boundaries and needs as well.

We currently are working on it. 

As a nurse of 30+ years I have seen so many suicide attempts that are sheer manipulation efforts.

How can one recognize if such attempts are just a manipulation tactic? If we are talking about people pretending to commit S, then, yeah, I can see how such attempts are just manipulation. But, here, she actually did attempt S. She wasn't pretending. She didn't tell anyone what she was about to do. It was pure luck that her family found out what she did at the right time. This has been her first and only attempt. She has never shown this level of frailty in her entire existence. So, maybe she is not faking it. 

I came here to give an update. My wife approached me and discussed attending couple counseling together. I think it's a good idea. We are doing IC separately. So, attending council together is the next logical step. My only issue, right now, is that her IC is not an infidelity specialist. Her therapy doesn't deal with her affair. I feel she should attend IC that deals with infidelity, before we move forward to couple counseling. I haven't replied 'Yes' or 'No' to her suggestion. I told her I would think about it. So what do you guys think I should do and why??
I also felt good that she took the initiative to make this suggestion. A few weeks ago, she was reluctant to go to any therapy, and now she is the one who is suggesting counseling. I take it as growth.