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We are coming up on DD anniversary 1 soon. This year's been an absolute horror. Due to previous CPTSD from childhood, DD hit me like a ton of bricks and I have been in a really bad way with severe PTSD symptoms. I'm in IC weekly and we are still in MC every few weeks. I'm on antidepressants for anxiety. WWH was in IC first 6 months as well until he filled the amount his insurance will cover. It's been a rough ride all in all but we're working hard to recover.

WWH has done most of the things needed. I say most instead of all, because obviously he's not perfect. He's read a few books with me and discussed them, watched many many videos, and with time things he was not handling well at first have started changing. The requests for change I have made for him to do, he's started doing. He used to get severely anxious and defensive, go into panic when I tried to bring things up, he's worked a lot on that and things are 100 times better than in the early days. He really seems to have 'gotten it'

But how do I start trusting things really are better? How do I start letting go of the need for checking compulsively, going inte these spirals where I just out of nowhere talk myself into thinking something must be up? Some things just seem 'too good to be true' and I end up doubting them even though I have so far found no signs or evidence they aren't in fact holding up.

Take NC for example. He ended his A via email on DD, I got to read it before he sent it, it left no opening to anything. They are COW and the A happened 100% at their place of work, short hook ups in the basement (yuck). However they are on different floors, different teams and have no interaction in their work. My immediate non-negotiable was besides NC that he change jobs. He immediately agreed. He's applied for 50+ jobs this past year, I've seen them all go out so he has applied, but no luck so far. We live in a small town with limited possibilities and he has a very niche job so finding something else has been a huge challenge. he's applied out of town, even out of country as well, nothing so far. It's driving me insane him being in that place 5 days per week with her in the same building, but I also see he is truly doing everything he can to get out of there. The fact he hasn't succeeded is starting to eat at his self-confidence. He's an educated person with a high end job so I think we both thought getting him relocated would be a breeze. He brings in 70% of our earnings since his job pays way more than mine does so just quitting and taking any odd job isn't realistic, we would lose our home. He has promised since day 1 to immediately tell me if he even has a partial visual on OW, which he did twice in the year from far away in a corridor. He has avoided all social gatherings where OW could have turned up. He claims OW has not tried to contact him a single time. I have found nothing to doubt he's telling the truth. I have full access to all his devices and I have checked them regularly, also without him knowing so he wouldn't be able to delete anything prior to giving them up to me. But I am just so scared of being blind-sided again that I just can not trust when things seem to be going as well as they can in this situation. So I just feel like he probably has met her, talked to her, is just keeping it to himself. I have no proof, no signs, it's just it seems to good to be possible.

Another example is that now that he has finally started being less defensive during discussions, in fact he's doing everything I've requested he do, I have a hard time trusting he really gets it for real and this is why he's changed, and start thinking he's just playing me and trying to keep me in the dark by being more empathetic and doing the work on the surface to throw me off.
As soon as I start relaxing even a little bit, if I get a slight twinge even of happiness, or hope that R might succeed, my walls go up and I panic and think he's just tricking me, I can't let my guard down, I can't stop being on alert 24/7 because then I'll just get hurt again.

So how does one start letting go of the fear? How do I start daring to trust the good, even in small increments ? How on earth did those of you who managed to R start letting your guards down over time? I hate being on high alert all the time.

For an entire year there has been 0 TT. The reason being I found his chats and read them all so I know everything, more than I ever wanted to know. Hell, there's nothing to trickle out, I got it all and then some in dirty little details om DD like a tsunami. Still, I feel like it's too good to be true that there hasn't been any TT, and I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.
He hasn't slipped up a single time with anything as far as I know for this entire year, and I just feel like I must be missing something. I shouldn't let myself be fooled. But there has been no proof, not any sign of this. And again, this makes me suspicious.

How do I start letting my guard down, in an appropriate manner, with time, as it's deserved? I'm noticing that no matter what he does, says or changes, I just can't let myself relax even a little bit. I'm so scared of false R, for the other shoe to drop, that I don't even give him a chance to be fair.

My WH’s affair was also a coworker and entirely at work. Continuing to work there was an absolute no for me. He did not go back once to work since d-day and I don’t think I could handle it if he did. He had to go in briefly to grab paperwork and leave a NC letter for the AP and he insisted staying on FaceTime with me the entire time which I appreciated. I am behind you in timeline so I can’t speak much to the other things but I feel like returning to the scene and being in the same place could really be detrimental to your healing. I’m sorry that it doesn’t seem like moving jobs is going well.

Keep doing IC and encourage him to do the same.

When you are strong enough to know that if you can survive this, the you will survive anything. And you have a plan b just in case.

Tnats when you stop waiting for the other shoe to drop.

You will face it head on just like this Dday.

I have CPTSD as well. We’re coming up on 5 years since our DDay. It also hit me like a ton of bricks. With CPTSD, I’m pretty sure I’ve waited for the other shoe to drop in most aspects of life, including the aftermath of the A. I work around that with plan B, C, D, and E. And, then let that go. I know what I’ll do in the event that something happens again, and then try to live in the moment. It is so difficult. Hang in there.

Continue IC..get yourself a Plan B..make yourself strong so that you will be able to manage another dday..

All of this advice is,IMO, given because the chances of another dday is very high,when you stay with someone who has already cheated.

Mine did the work. Was remorseful. Over a decade of true Reconciliation. And I recently had another dday.

It's a huge gamble.

Hellfire,

A new DDAY? A new person? New info? Same AP after a decade? Please share.

[This message edited by Howcthappen at 4:30 AM, Thursday, November 16th]

I have been diagnosed with PTSD as a result of my WH LTA (complete with them going underground, multiple DDays [until I finally told OBS] and a Cease & Desist as a result of LTAP cyberstalking/creating fake profiles to try to reconnect).

What helped was lots of IC but also my own internal healing. I stopped fearing it by knowing if the God-Forbit happened, I'd be OK. I'd hurt and mourn and probably struggle a while. But in the end, I'd be OK. And that knowledge has helped me let go of the soul gripping fear.

I can't control him. I can't control LTAP. I can't control the sun, moon or tides. But...I can control me. And knowing this [along with having an emergency back up plan] helps.

I'm still in IC. I probably always will be.

I'm still in IC. I probably always will be.

Same. Sometimes it's just quarterly check-ups.

I feel like my mental health is at least as important as my physical health.

Wishing you/everyone continued peace and healing!