SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not quite a just found out but my first post here so seemed like the best place.

My 50th birthday was six weeks ago. Birthday’s are generally a time of reflection on the year past and the year ahead for me. This year was the first time I ever recall having no regrets, being utterly secure, looking forward to the joys of another year as wonderful as the last.

I’d married my best friend and partner of 17 years just ten months before. Six months before, I’d moved into my dream house. Three months before, I’d been promoted into my dream job. When I say life was perfect, I mean life was perfect (other than my complete inability to land Taylor Swift tickets).

Two day after my birthday, what I now think of as Day Zero, my husband told me his ex-girlfriend (of TWENTY years ago) had sent him an email the week before and he thought he might still be in love with her. And, oh by the way, he loved me but he hated our life.

A week after that, they were doing zoom yoga together in our basement. A month after that he spent a week after that. He returned from the trip and proclaimed that regardless of how things end for them, he’s moving across the country to be closer to her.

Today he announced that he is flying back there the night before what will be our first anniversary to find an apartment. He wants a divorce as soon as possible. He doesn’t even want the responsibility of our dog, who has been the center of his universe since the day we brought her home. He doesn’t even seem remotely upset by any of this. He told me he wanted a divorce six hours ago and just asked if I want Chinese or Mexican for dinner. I’m not sure that he’s even noticed that I’ve cried myself to sleep every night for six weeks

45 days ago I was on top of the world and now that world was apparently just a giant trash heap of lies and broken promises. Clearly this is all happening regardless of how I feel or don’t feel and regardless of what I do or don’t do. I just don’t know what to do. I can’t breathe. I can’t sleep. I can’t get out of bed. I can’t eat. Except for candy which I can’t stop eating.

I’m clearly not alone in feeling like this or feeling betrayed or feeling that my world was just declared meaningless. But I just don’t know what to do.

I am truly sorry you are here.

Spend some time browsing in The Healing Library here on this site. Its on a tab at the top of the page. There are many useful articles and tools there to help you navigate these upcoming weeks and months. Most were written by others who have already traveled the road where you now find yourself.

I am very sorry for the way you have been and are now being treated. At first blush it sounds like he might have narcissistic, or even sociopath type tendencies. Was he always this cold blooded?

Many others will be along to give you some great advice.

I wish you the best.

Welcome to SI, I’m sorry he is putting you through this. He is in LaLa land and nothing you can do will snap him out of it. Please read the pinned posts about and the healing library, you need to implement the hard 180 and let him destroy his life, not yours. Any begging or pleading will just boost his ego, we call it "the pick me dance" and it never works.

Please make your self care a priority, drink plenty of water and exercise if you can, just a walk will help. Again I’m sorry you are going through this.

Very sorry you find yourself here, but you will receive good support! Take care of you. Eat healthy. Try protein shakes if nothing else. You need your strength to recover. Your WH has inflicted an awful trauma and it will take time to heal. I’m sure we are all outraged by the way you have been treated. Sending strength. Get into IC if you can. If his AP is married notify her OBS promptly. Get tested for STDs. You really don’t know how long they have carried on.

But something stinks. You have been with your best friend and partner for seventeen years, unmarried, with no hint of infidelity. You then marry your WH 10 months ago, and as you approach your 50th birthday and your one year anniversary, your WH out of the blue, gets one email from a former gf and decides all of a sudden he hates life with you and wants a D. His story strains credibility. I would proceed very cautiously. Take immediate action to protect your assets and lock up your financial accounts. Separate him from your credit cards. Try and have your M annulled. See an attorney asap. Go no contact with him as much as possible. It seems to me that he and his AP must have been planning this for a long time. Call me cynical and I could be all wrong. The scenario just seems too sudden after one email!

Keep posting here. Do not try and make sense of his actions. Accept no blame. If you can, get him to move out as soon as possible. If he is so eager for D, have your attorney draw up D papers favorable to you. Take care of you. Good luck.

Hi, welcome to SI. So sorry you find yourself here. So sorry your husband is putting you through this hell, you won't ever be able to make sense out of nonsense.

As much as it hurts, he wants a divorce, give it to him. Meet with a couple of attorneys asap. Make sure all of your finances are in order, if you have joint accounts, a trip to the bank is a must as he may wipe out your savings. Is he quitting his job?

Please do not beg, plead, or engage in any conversation with him unless it is finances. Have you read the articles on the 180? If not, please read them and act like your husband is not there. Don't do his laundry, dishes, nothing for him. No discussions as hard as it may be.

Tomorrow find a good IC for yourself. Make an appt asap AND meet with your MD for some temporary medications to help you sleep. Don't allow his actions to affect your new dream job! Find the courage to push forward, one baby step at a time. Please take care of yourself and your dog!

His story strains credibility.

^^^This. I'd do a little digging to find out how long they have actually been communicating or if she was in the picture for awhile.

Edited to add: Cheaters LIE. All of them. They lie and lie and lie and lie, many times with solid evidence. Keep that in mind.

[This message edited by annb at 12:10 AM, Monday, November 13th]

Thank you all, for all the advice and care. I’m really holding on tightly to "don’t try to make sense of it;" I can’t make sense of it and turning it over and over in my head is making me crazy.

He’s never been narcissistic or cold-blooded. He has a long history of treatment resistant depression but this just is different. It’s like he’s lost his mind. My mom thinks he needs a full medical work up including a visit to a neurologist but I have no idea (or power, really) to make that happen.

It’s entirely possible that they’ve been in contact far longer than he’s willing to admit but I’m 100% positive that they hadn’t seen each other before last month. He’s retired; I work from home. He’s immuno-comprised and hasn’t traveled since before the pandemic other than road trips that involved both of us. There’s no money missing; there are no weird expenses. I could chart out everywhere he’s been for the past five years with a few clicks of excel. It really does just seem out of nowhere, although I get how unlikely that sounds.

He just says the feeling has been building since we moved that he needed a new, different life. And that it got worse every day and that he was trying to figure out how to tell me that he needed out because he couldn’t spend the next forty years with me and our pleasant but meaningless life.

And then she supposedly emailed him out of the blue. And that he couldn’t not take the chance that she was the answer to finding happiness since she had always been the one who got away. It’s sickening.

"Edited to add: Cheaters LIE. All of them. They lie and lie and lie and lie, many times with solid evidence. Keep that in mind"

I have found this to be true. I failed to adequately protect myself.

QUEEN,

I love this user name and I hope you repeat to yourself that you are indeed the Queen and the prize and if he can’t see that, then F$ck right off.

This is not about the ex-GF. She’s a handy excuse for him to hang on to - she was just the first woman he came upon. This is about him and his issues. His issues are not you or your life. And his saying he is unhappy and never liked this life— this is straight out of the mythical cheaters handbook. By saying that, he can avoid saying it is about him. He can blame you and your life, and then he’s the victim! It’s pathetically common for cheaters to do this.

Please really try to take great care of yourself. You need to support your body, your brain, and your emotions. eating healthy, getting some exercise (just walk if more is too much), drinking lots of water, avoiding alcohol and drugs, and getting sleep are critical for a clear mind. See your doctor if you are having issues sleeping or with anxiety. Many of us needed a little help to get through the first while after DDAY. Get a full panel STD/STI test too. — he’s a lying liar and you cannot be too careful.

This is a huge TRAUMA to your system. Are you in IC (individual counseling)? It can be very helpful in sorting all this out. You need an outlet and someone to talk to IRL. A bestie, sibling, parent, pastor… someone..

And absolutely start talking to lawyers ASAP. Knowledge is power and that will help you feel more secure.

I don’t buy his story either, but it really doesn’t matter. My introverted, anal-retentive, straight as an arrow spouse cheated on me right under my nose. It’s amazing how devious and sneaky they become. In the end, he is not a safe partner for you.

So sorry you are here, but you will get through this. We understand and we know you are strong and you will recover and have an amazing future. Keep posting, read in the healing library, and read the bullseye posts in the Just Found Out Forum.

(My WS left a few days before my 50th, so I get it. But I promise— good things are to come!)

Count me as one who doesn’t quite buy his story either. And look at it this way, if his pleasant, stable life with you was "meaningless," he’s likely gonna reach that point again eventually in the next "relationship." The only thing different will be who it’s with.

He doesn’t know how to appreciate what he has.

Time to focus on and protect yourself now, Queen.

I hope this helps. I follow a blogger whose husband was committed to them moving to Florida from their New England home and retiring early. While he was in the hospital, his ex girlfriend got in touch with him and the next thing his wife knew he was divorcing her. He did exactly what your husband is doing. He left and never looked back. She sold the house and moved to a place she wanted to move to, and began a new life. She tried not to cover her blogging with sadness, but of course that came through because she had been abandoned. What happened is she eventually met a man she now dates and takes trips with and enjoys very much. On the other hand, her ex-husband died of Covid by himself. She has no idea why he was by himself when he died because he was supposed to be with the love of his life. I’m not one to believe in karma because I think all of us have sad things in our lives, but this man left a woman who loved him for a fantasy and it killed him.

I would echo "PROTECT YOURSELF". You get married and all of a sudden this happens?

Yes, it could be a medical malady, but you would likely know about some history to suggest this. However, some mental breaks are like this and very hard to diagnose.

But the message is the same, protect yourself.

So sorry you find yourself here! You've received some great advice. Please do nurture yourself with lots of self care. Have you reached out to a few friends or family for support? NOTHING you did or didn't do caused him to make the choices he made. This is ALL on him and his willingness to fill the hole where his soul should be with vacuous ego stroking. So, don't let his actions cause embarrassment or lead to isolating yourself during this struggle. You need your tribe around you to help get through the next few months.

Sounds like you are in a new role at work? New work position with new responsibilities can be stressful enough, without the added layer of infidelity stressors in personal life. The compounding of career stress on top of infidelity stress can really do a number on your mental health. Can grow into one big stress tsunami that may lead to PTSD. Which may, sorry to say, spill over into your career - negatively impacting job performance. Ask me how I know.....so if necessary talk to your Doctor and or boss about maybe taking a leave of absence, etc. to insulate job life from personal life - assuming that would help triage the situation. Maybe work is going just fine....

AND - PLEASE talk to a lawyer or two ASAP about pros/cons of Divorce vs. Annulment. You've been married for less than a year, correct? Depends upon jurisdiction, but the clock could be ticking down on ability to file an annulment where you live. Annulment could provide superior financial protections over divorce. Know the main focus right now is wrapping your brain around this new reality and dealing with the physical and emotional fall out from having the rug pulled from under you with this heinous betrayal. But don't lose sight of the big picture. Part of taking care of yourself right now must include financial self-protection. I'm also suspicious about the timing of this. 10 months after marriage (mingling assets?) and your work promotion (more assets to tap into?) he deserts you? Smells fishy.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 5:14 AM, Wednesday, November 15th]

I am so sorry for you. 10 years ago I was you. Let me give you some insight.

His behavior makes no sense and never will.

He’s building his new life based on lies and a fantasy. Those of us that live in reality realize this “relationship” IS NOT REAL!

And too often relationships that start as an affair typically don’t last.

For the record, your H was not unhappy for months or years - he only became unhappy b/c being married stopped him from screwing the old GF.

He’s throwing his life away because he’s in the affair fog. Google it. It explains so much of the cheater’s thinking.

They don’t call it midlife crisis for nothing. It’s real. It ruins lives. But nothing you say or do will change his mind that he’s making the worst mistake of his life.

I got the ILYBNILWY speech. Ten days later he wants a divorce for a much younger woman who he knew a few months b/c "He does not want to be married". I’m standing in his way of being with the OW.

I suffered through false reconciliation (he’s still was cheating) together with demands for D. After a weekend where he pledged his undying love and he loves me and wants to R he walks in the door 1 day later demanding a D.

I snapped. Had enough. Decided I need to stop worrying about him and our marriage and put myself first for once. I stood up to him. I told him I was D him. Very calm. Very rational. No yelling. No rage. More of "I’m done with this nightmare" attitude.

I told him He was free to leave and ho be with the OW. He made his intentions clear and I am not fighting him any longer.

Suddenly he’s begging to R. I refused.

We did R. Hard to believe it’s been 10 years.

I take no crap. I don’t give second or third chances. I hold him accountable and he is expected to honor his word.

And he’s now afraid I will D him.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:11 AM, Tuesday, November 14th]

I haven't read through all of the posts here, so I apologize if I'm missing something, but your WH seems a bit wiggly in terms of his behaviour. One poster mentioned psychopathy or sociopathy. If he haven't demonstrated any traits in the past, it's probably unlikely. You mentioned depression. Could that coupled with midlife be an issue? Don't know your ages, but he might be self-medicating. Any ADHD in his history? Impulsiveness?

"Edited to add: Cheaters LIE. All of them. They lie and lie and lie and lie, many times with solid evidence. Keep that in mind"

Count me as another that sees his story as odd. Cheaters manipulate, they will use deaths in the family, illness, work, family vacations, anything at all to manipulate and cover their tracks. Everything you think may be outside of his character should be on the table for your consideration.

Many are giving and will give better advice. I'd like to be the voice of a person that followed little of the advice given and now understands after many more wasted years the ways of a cheater. It's wise to protect yourself now. Everything must be built and true and absolute transparency. Bless you and your family in the days ahead.

So sorry you find yourself here. Take care of you- emotionally and financially. Get a good counselor, if the first one isn't a good fit try another. Get an attorney ASAP. Interview several and choose one that is a good fit. Figure out the next steps, protect yourself.

As for your husband, he certainly may have mental issues but you can fix him. Try the 180 if you have to live together until things are settled. Don't let him bring you further down, you don't need details about his "new love".