SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello!

This is my second post here. My DDay is very recent, just 5 weeks ago. Obviously, I’m still in complete shock that I am here and that this has even happened. I never thought that in a million years we would be this kind of couple that would have to worry about infidelity (I guess never say never).

Reflecting on these past weeks, I feel like already so much has happened that I’m not able to process it all effectively. I know that it’s still extremely early, but at the same time it feels like this nightmare has been in play for years! My emotions are all over the place and I hate it. I hate that one minute I’m fine and the next I’m so angry - anger is the strongest emotion I am experiencing right now.

I used to judge people in my shoes and would shake my head at those who chose to stay in a relationship/marriage where infidelity has taken place. Well let me tell you, I will never judge anybody who is in a situation like this ever again. I’ve also learned that every marriage/situation is different, every relationship is different and what works for you might not work for someone else.

With that being said, my initial reaction on D-Day was automatic D, like how am I supposed to ever forgive and trust someone who could betray me in such an awful way!? After talking with my WH and getting things figured out as much as they can be right now, I have a better understanding/more clear understanding of what/why it happened.

I won’t get into the nitty gritty of my marriage issues for this particular post, other than that it was not in a good place and we were in a toxic state for such a long time.

Anyways … the reason for this particular post is how can I start to move forward in R (at least I think this is what I want, I think this is achievable given our situation, but of course I have doubts like anyone would). I’m having such a hard time actually wrapping my head around that this has happened, that my husband made the choices he did and that he has come to some sort of realization how important his family is to him and that he doesn’t want to lose us.

Over the course of these weeks (I know it’s not a long time and that he has forever to go), I can see that he wants to change and be a better husband/father. He’s been putting in the time and effort with us, whereas he made himself his number one priority before all of this. Again, his efforts and mentality is kinda frustrating in some ways, because it took him straying from his family to make him realize what he had or what he could potentially lose?! Like I don’t get it?!

I know that to successfully move forward with R that I cannot "throw" his mistakes/choices into his face. I’m not gonna lie, I feel like I’ve done this pretty much daily since DDay - part of the reason is that I’m processing it all and the other part is I want to reiterate to him how badly he’s hurt me/his children. We are both emotionally exhausted, I would like to believe that he has answered my questions honestly (some TT has happened) and has willingly shared additional information I never asked for.

How can I stop "throwing this in his face" because it’s not healthy for me or him. I obviously still need to talk about it as I feel it helps me process my emotions. Any tips on how to not "throw it" in his face everyday or any suggestions on how to effectively talk about? There is no yelling or screaming or anything like that, but I’m a very sarcastic person and I am forever making digs at him whenever I get the chance - again I know this isn’t the right thing to do either and I need to stop this behaviour.

He also has mentioned that while he knows that it needs to be talked about, he’s asked if maybe there could be a day here and there where we can "take a break" and not talk about it. Again, I get it and understand where he is coming from, but it is literally all I think about. I also feel kinda weird just talking about normal day things/life - I almost feel like we are rug sweeping when we talk about things other than his infidelity. I know that it’s not what we are doing, but I still feel like this is minimizing what happened in some way.

Ok. Now I’m just rambling. Truly looking for advice I’m how to slowly start to move forward. What helped you/didn’t help you. I’m so nervous and scared of the unknown.

It's very early days for you. It takes years to recover from this kind of intimate betrayal trauma and then longer to rebuild a marriage, if that is what you choose.

I think you are being too hard on yourself. You want to speed up the recovery and get to the part where it hurts less or the marriage is better but there is no fast forward button for this. You have to go through it.

That's to say: what you are feeling is completely normal. Up, down, sad, angry, all come at you sometimes in the same moment. Acknowledge that it is ok for you to have this tornado of feelings (it sucks but it is what happens when someone betrays you in this way). You may want to look into things that help you manage those feelings a bit better (for yourself, not him) like therapy or meditation or reading books on infidelity trauma. Deep breathing helps.

Some things to help manage this emotional shitstorm might include:

Setting up time to discuss the affair. This could be every day for now and might taper down to a few times a week. But knowing there is a set time where he agrees to listen, answer and comfort might help you feel more in control.

Asking him to take the lead. He should be checking in with you. He should be the one to bring up the affair even if it's just to ask how you are doing. Better if he has some insight to give you or another heartfelt apology. You need to know you aren't alone here. This trauma is haunting your every waking moment. He needs to acknowledge that without prompting to show that he is there with you.

Writing. Sometimes folks communicate better in writing versus face to face. A notebook where you might write a feeling or a question and he agrees to respond in writing also. A dual journal if you will.

Self care. Radical self care. You need to be taking care of you every day in small and large ways. You need to spend time and energy not on your marriage but on YOU. Again, therapy can be something you do for you but there are other things like tapping into a support group of friends/family, eating and drinking healthy, indulging in the things big and small that give you rest or even some joy. I say this all of the time but you need to take care of yourself like it's your job. Provide the love and comfort you would to a friend in this situation. I promise you, as you heal, you will feel stronger, the pain will lessen and the anger will reduce. But this work you have to do on your own and for you.

Hi:

Thanks for your update. Great advice above. Be aware that you have suffered a real trauma. Your reactions are going to be all over the place. Seek out IC with a counselor trained in betrayal trauma. You have to process the pain and reality of the betrayal. Have him read: " How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Infidelity!" By McDonald. A short read with lots of good info. Your WH needs to understand and take your anger and sarcasm which he caused by his actions. He needs to give you complete transparency and honesty to demonstrate his willingness to change. This is an extended process. This was not a mistake. He made many deliberate decisions to lie to you and cheat. He has to own his actions. It takes humility to really understand how much you have hurt your BS and concentrate on their healing, rather than his own shame.

Of course you are confused. Your entire reality was blown up. Don’t make the mistake of trying to fix your M too quickly. Your M didn’t fail. Your WH failed you. The entire reason to exchange marital vows is that no matter how nasty or disconnected the M, there is never a justification to cheat. Period. You were in the same M and never cheated. Your WH has a character flaw where his actions do not match his promise to be faithful. He needs to work on himself first before you delve into building a better M. If not, the next time he is unhappy because you failed to empty the dishwasher or take out the garbage, he feels justified in getting bj’s in his car. For now, watch his actions. Heal you. Read in the healing library and pinned threads. The stronger you get knowing you will survive and thrive no matter what your WH does, you are on the right road. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:51 PM, Friday, November 17th]

That person inside you that put the recording device in the house- that is who you need to listen to to find your way through this.

All the best.

Did you manage to get the other woman's name out of him? I know he was resisting giving it to you before.

My wife still won't tell me the name of the guy she kissed and it's been 18 months. All I got was "he was traded to another team and won't be back" which was confirmed by another friend that didn't want to get involved but knew who it was. I don't think I'll ever get the name and it will haunt me forever.

The emotional rollercoaster ride is real and it can pick you up for a ride any time. The anger is normal - it's a trauma response. You need to figure out how to channel it effectively, but it can take awhile for your emotions to be able to be controlled. I used to go out to my car and scream till I had no voice, or sit on the step and how with the dog. You can use a punching bag to work off the anger, take a baseball bat to dishes, ice cubes, whatever.

Your WH has a character flaw where his actions do not match his promise to be faithful. He needs to work on himself first before you delve into building a better M.

This is something that your WH has to work on. It would be unusual to find out his "whys" this early. Frankly, if the reason for the A was a crappy M, I'd have been the one to cheat.

When I got to the spot where I was healed enough, and I was able to realize my anger was out of hand, I would leave the room for 30-60 minutes to get my anger under control. I'd say I needed space but expected to discuss in X amount of time. Some people have had success by scheduling a weekly time to discuss. Whatever is going to work for you.

This is devastating. It took about 3 years before I felt like I was actually healing and doing better. Not a fast journey by any means.

Thank you all for the replies already. I really do feel this process is trying to be fast tracked (I know it can’t be, I don’t want it to either, neither does he) - I tried telling my husband this, however, he’s extremely persistent (and optimistic) to show me that our relationship/marriage will be a million times better then it ever has been. I kinda roll my eyes when I hear this statement, I am not a push over and I keep reiterating to him that he is a "gamble" that I’m not sure I’m willing to take yet and that I’m trying to figure this out.

Icedover84 - oh boy. I sure did. So he is not a very outgoing person, nor does he do very well in social situations due to anxiety (he’s actually quite reserved). When the grocery store story came out I immediately was like "wtf, that’s not like you to chat up some stranger in a grocery store, let alone start discussing your marriage problems" - my parents/brother/best friend also thought the same thing. One week after Dday I was sitting working on some of my hobbies (ironically enough, not thinking about it) when it hit me …. he never left the parking lot from work that day when he asked "you got some time" … I remembered I could hear a faint voice in the background and thought it was just on the phone … nope it wasn’t on the phone. He works in an industrial area, not close to houses or anything (he started his car to leave work and drive a few minutes away - yes I timed it - before he put his car in park again. At the end of "it" - he said "at least it’s Friday tomorrow … bye" … I remember always always saying this to my coworkers towards the end of the week.

99% of his coworkers are male … except for 2 (an old lady and someone our age). I knew right then and there who it was. It was the our age coworker (who is also married with 2 young kids).

I knew the grocery store story was kinda far fetched, but he’s always home and doesn’t ever go or do anything. How am I supposed to account for an extra 10 minutes of his whereabouts on his way home from work

As for him telling me, no he didn’t. I had the proof and confronted him about it. He tried to briefly deny it (he said he didn’t want to complicate things any further) … he then came clean. I think once I officially knew who it was, the full on transparency about it all started.

[This message edited by Heartbrokenwife23 at 7:26 PM, Friday, November 17th]

I knew the grocery store story was kinda far fetched, but he’s always home and doesn’t ever go or do anything. How am I supposed to account for an extra 10 minutes of his whereabouts on his way home from work

So did he ever give you the truth?

I think he pushing hard to rugsweep this and you are feeling guilty for not being nice. Don't. You need a full timeline from him. You need to be willing to ask for a poly, and if he is remorseful he will agree. You also need to see an attorney and find out your rights and his obligations. You can't make an informed decision until you have the truth and all the information on how this whole thing effects you.

Too bad he doesn't like snarky comments from you. Maybe of he'd of kept his wanker in his drawers you wouldn't make them. Seriously find some strength and start calling him out.

Has he read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald? He should memorize portions of the book.

he’s asked if maybe there could be a day here and there where we can "take a break" and not talk about it

Nope, not yet. Maybe at 6 months, but definitely not at just a few weeks. He's thinking of himself again and not about what you need for healing.

I'm guessing that he hasn't been truthful and that there's more to the story(ies).

Hey there. The reality is that for a while you will be throwing it in his face, at least to some extent. It;s true that at some point if you do R, then that would have to stop. But not at 6 weeks out. You are not out of shock yet. And, assuming you are not being abusive, I think it is a good barometer for his willingness to do the long work of repairing himself and then your relationship. (In that order, too). Recovery and Reconciliation are marathons— years not weeks or months. And it is not easy. A WS that sits with you in your pain and doesn’t rush you after a month or two is one that is a good candidate for R. This is why we say to watch his actions OVER TIME. Words are easy and we know WS can lie. But consistent actions even when things get rough is what will help you heal. And when you are healing and trust is SLOWLY SLOWLY SLOWLY being rebuilt because you see him digging into his why’s and matching his actions to his words, then I think you will naturally stop throwing it in his face all the time. But right now you are in pain and trauma. When your wounds start to heal AND he starts showing you he is going to go the distance, then be concerned if you are still lashing out all the time. But for the first while (months not weeks), you are doing the best you can.

Now if you feel you are really lashing out too much, then use the approaches others have suggested:
1) IC so you have an outlet
AND
2) set regular times (an hour daily, three times a week, whatever you need) where you talk about the A
AND
3) journal like a mad person to get it out
AND
… whatever else you need. At 5 weeks, your brain and heart are still reeling. Just don’t rug sweep.

This stuff sucks. Be patient with yourself. And yes, the future is scary. One thing that can help is to start building plan B. What if R isn’t going to happen? By knowing you have a plan B in place, you remove some of the scary unknown and that is empowering. Hope for the best, plan for the worst, ya know? And mostly, trust that the thousands here on SI have been where you are and we know that however this works out, you will be okay. We made it through and so will you.

he’s extremely persistent (and optimistic) to show me that our relationship/marriage will be a million times better then it ever has been

Not if he doesn't get his head out of his ass and realize how destructive his behavior has been.

Not if he doesn't develop some real remorse.

Not if he doesn't get to the root of his behavior and make lifelong changes.

He destroyed the marriage. If there is to be one again, it has to be rebuilt, and it is always harder than it was the first time.

...part of the reason is that I’m processing it all and the other part is I want to reiterate to him how badly he’s hurt me/his children....I obviously still need to talk about it as I feel it helps me process my emotions.

...How can I stop "throwing this in his face" because it’s not healthy for me or him. Any tips on how to not "throw it" in his face everyday or any suggestions on how to effectively talk about?

Although it's unlikely that you'll never show anger during discussions about the affair, it's important for both of you to recognize the difference between talking about the affair (and ALL of the MANY things connected to that) and you "throwing it in his face," because there is a difference.

Wanting--scratch that.
NEEDING to talk about the affair is helpful and necessary for the betrayed person and also for the wayward.

Real change won't occur for the wayward unless they dig deep and study the affair and their own thinking, perspectives, choices, habits, go-to coping mechanisms, family history, etc.

Real trust and healing won't be achieved unless the betrayed can ask anything they need to, get empathy and support from their partner, and really hear how the wayward is owning everything, how the wayward is challenging old thinking, and how they are changing that thinking. Of course, the wayward's actions must match their words.

And one of these important ACTIONS is a wayward's willingness to support their betrayed partner in the healing process.

So, if you're "throwing it in his face" regularly with snarky remarks or with angry tirades, I see how there needs to be a reset toward calm and productive conversations.

However, you explaining how hurt you are and how blindsided you are at what he was willing to risk to serve his needs isn't "throwing it in his face."

If needing to talk and process (even some of the same ground over and over) is being labeled as "throwing it in his face"? Then that's a big red flag indicating that he's not really R material at this point. He's just wanting to make promises and then rugsweep.

If he's struggling to endure his own shame and guilt, then he needs to seek IC to support him. You can't be a shield for this. He needs to walk through the shame and guilt and face it for real change to happen.

My husband had a two year affair back in 2001-2002. We had been married 26 years at the time. We celebrated our 48th wedding anniversary this year. We were in marriage therapy for a year and lived apart for a year (my choice). We would go to therapy once a week for 50 minutes and then sit in one of our cars for sometimes three hours after therapy, continuing the session alone. Your instincts are good. You do need to stop constantly bringing up the affair, though your questions need to be answered completely and honestly. You can't use the affair as a weapon. It's a fine line we have to walk. What we did was have 'dates', which were just to spend time together doing something fun and re-establish a couples connection. No unpleasant topics were allowed on 'dates'. We really needed those boundaries to know that date time was a safe time to relax and just have fun. I brought up the affair and asked questions for years afterward, though it diminished as time went on and my husband repeatedly proved himself to me. It never comes up anymore and I just don't care. It was two chapters out of the 48 chapters in the book of our marriage. We rebuilt a relationship with better skills learned through therapy. We have had hiccups over the years (not infidelity related, just him being an ass ), but worked through them and kept it moving. I have no regrets about reconciling, but it isn't easy. You lose a lot when your partner violates you in such an extreme manner and it isn't for the faint of heart. Just to give you an idea of how infidelity keeps creeping into your life, at times you least expect it, take Valentine's Day. I don't buy him cards anymore, because I struggled going to the store and picking up cards that said things such as, "You've always been there for me..." NOPE. "I can always count on you..." NOPE. "You've never let me down..." NOPE. "You've never hurt me..." NOPE. It's not a perfect relationship, but it's a good one now. He has to commit to doing the work, whatever that looks like for YOU. For as long and as often as you need him to do it. It can be done. Good luck to you.

[This message edited by greenirisheyes at 4:47 AM, Sunday, November 19th]

Sorry for the quick response - I saw your post and just wanted to add my thoughts.

This is 100% accurate:

I think you are being too hard on yourself. You want to speed up the recovery and get to the part where it hurts less or the marriage is better but there is no fast forward button for this. You have to go through it.

Second, my WH also wanted to change etc - in the early days (unfortunately early days is definitely where you are), but he got tired/frustrated/and eventually upset and nasty about my bringing things up. "Are you ever going to get over this?" was fairly common 3 months out, and was still happening a year later. That's the thing - the answer is Yes, I am going to get through this one way or the other, but, no, I have no idea when I will be able to stop talking about hundreds of times per day at this stage. It may be months or even years (yes, years - I would honestly say that I stopped thinking about it daily at about 2 years after d-day 1...but had my WH not continued his A and lied about it I think I could have moved beyond the daily ruminations in a year...but that's just a guess).

Finally, another almost guarantee is that your WS is going to want to move on from this before you are ready. It is not your responsibility or your problem to convince your WS to stick around while you process - but telling them honestly how you feel, if you feel stuck, and basically communicating with them will help them understand IF they are open to listening. My WH was not - not until years later (and all is not over with us - but we are not married now and are sort of dating 6 years after d-day 1 and 4 years after his A ended for good).

Do NOT compromise what you need. Do compromise how you impart that information. I found that calm is almost always better than hair-on-fire-crazy (ask me how I know ). You WILL be okay - I know that too!