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I found out earlier this week my husband has had an on-again, off-again affair for the past couple of years, at least 2. I saw some red flags and while he was sleeping I looked at his phone and found evidence of the affair.

The past couple of years have been incredibly difficult. He has been unemployed. He was laid off from his job and has struggled to find another job. We both had COVID at the end of 2020 and we believe he has symptoms of Long COVID. On top of paying all of our bills the past few years, I've paid thousands in doctor's appointments and medical treatments. We have been married for 15 years. I'm 42, and he's 52.

As soon as I found out, I told an attorney friend of mine (an estate attorney, not a divorce attorney) and she said I needed to be careful. The past 10 years, I have faithfully put away money for retirement as well as purchased 3 rental properties with my earned income. My husband hasn't put away retirement funds, and in addition, built up significant credit card debt. We live in California and she said it's all community property, and due to the length of our marriage (15 years), she thinks I could be looking at paying lifetime alimony as well.

On top of the affair betrayal I'm incredibly pissed at how I would get screwed should we get divorced. When we married, he was an ambitious, motivated man on a great career track. He's been laid off several times and tried to start his own businesses, and it's bit him in the ass in his work history and is a huge reason he hasn't been able to find work. We have been talking about moving back to the midwest near our families during this period, since we live in a high cost of living area and I don't want the burden of all the bills, but we haven't done that.

I haven't kicked him out or anything - I have no clue where he would even go. I am already in therapy and I'm going to look into couples therapy. He said he wants to work it out but I don't trust him. I feel like I'm just a meal ticket to him. I think he is genuinely remorseful. He is close with my family and I know he'd be horrified if this got out.

I don't know what to do. I do want to pursue couples therapy but I don't know if I can or want to work past this. I think I could forgive a one-time affair. But this was lengthy and he and his AP were close, communicating on a daily basis, bitching I'm sure about their evil spouses. That really hurts. I don't know that I want to start over, but I also don't know if we can rebuild after all the lies. Just trying to take it a day at a time.

I am sorry you are here and I hope you are okay.

If you moved to the Midwest would that protect you more financially?

We have been talking about moving back to the midwest near our families during this period, since we live in a high cost of living area and I don't want the burden of all the bills, but we haven't done that.

So sorry for what you're going through. You've come to a good place though with people who understand.

I think you might be onto something with this idea of moving out to another state. Perhaps divorce laws might be more amenable to you as a betrayed spouse in another state. Your attorney friend might not be in divorce law, but I understand that there's a niche among financial planners that can help people figure out what divorce might look like. That might be one way to go about it without consulting directly with a divorce attorney.

Reconciliation might not be off the table for you, but if you do decide to go that route, it's really important that it be on YOUR terms. In the long run, we need to know that the WS is willing to do all the hard work necessary to remediate the poor character which has allowed them to make such awful choices. One idea would be to hold out this "carrot" of potential R to get yourself moved where you'll have a more divorce-friendly "stick" in your hand.

Remember too that we often hear the phrase, "divorce is expensive because it's worth it". That might sound fanciful, but we do have many members who are happier after divorce.

It seems to me that you have time to think and plan. That's about the only advantage I can think of in a no-fault, community property state like CA. Right now, the pain is so immediate and so driving that we often feel the need to make quick decisions. Feelings aren't facts though. Slowing down and making sure that you are serving yourself first is another way of engaging in self-care, which is so important when you're dealing with this kind of stress and trauma.

I am truly sorry you found your way here. This is a tough club to belong to.

Others will be along who can help you more than I can. But there are a couple of things I noticed in your post.

It is way, way too early to begin couples therapy. Your husband probably needs individual therapy (IC). But until he fixes what is wrong with him, couples therapy won't help. Marriage counseling is all about fixing your marriage. It wasn't the Marriage that cheated... he did. His cheating had nothing to do with you. Until you both are in a better place mentally you need to work on yourselves first before couples therapy.

You are right to take it one day at a time. Even better is you can divide your days into segments of time and work through one segment at a time.

I do think you should consult with a divorce attorney, or several divorce attorneys. Your attorney friend, though not a divorce attorney, is correct. Community property states, like California and Texas, where I live, do not like to get involved in separating property when divorcing, so they split it up evenly as possible, regardless who was the bread earner. It doesn't seem fair, but that is just the way it is. Even though he hasn't earned for a long time, you might have to support him forever given that in your state a marriage 10 years or longer has a strong stand on the length of alimony payments. So, please consult with an attorney who specializes in divorce and family law.

Knowledge is Power. The more knowledge you acquire on this subject the better you can plan your future as well as your current situation. This website has excellent resources. It has a good Healing Library and you should avail yourself to the many good Articles written there by those who have traveled your road before you. At the top of this page is a section called "The Healing Library". You should read the articles in the Discovery/Confrontation section... especially the Tactical Primer.

https://survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/tactical-primer/

Also, at the top of forum is a thread for Newbies written by the Surviving Infidelity staff.

https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/120134/newbiesimportant-information-please-read/?ap=1

You did not mention having any children. If you have no children, then moving back home should be no problem... upsetting school years, children's friends, etc. That can be really tough on children. So, if there are no children, then that will help you in your final decision.

As I said, others will be along to help you more than me. Please make this forum your safe space and post as often as you see the need.

Good luck to you.

Welcome to SI. Read in the healing library and take care of you. While you are working hard to support your family, your unemployed WH is cheating on you. So very selfish and enraging. I would be a little cautious of entering into couples counseling. Your M didn’t fail, your WH did. Nothing you did or didn’t do caused him to cheat, accept no blame. Your WH needs to get IC to determine how he became so broken and lacking integrity that he could cheat.

I heartily endorse the advice so far to take your time and take steps to protect yourself financially. If you can both move to a state more beneficial to you in D, should you choose, then by all means develop a strategy to do so. Has he written a no contact letter to his AP? What is he doing to demonstrate remorse for his actions? Words are cheap. Cheaters tend to lie a lot. Is he being transparent and willing to answer your questions?

Take care of you. Eat healthy, exercise, get out with activities, and get good sleep. Keep posting, many have been where you are. Good luck.

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you had to find us. I want to mention that the Healing Library contains the list of acronyms we use, but feel free to ask for clarification if you see one you don't understand/recognize. Also, in the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there is a thread for those whose wayward was in an LTA (long-term affair.)

You may want to get tested for STDs/STIs because infidelity can be the gift that keeps on giving.

If his long COVID is severe enough, he may be able to qualify for SSD (Social Security Disability). It's on a case-by-case basis, so the symptoms have to be severe enough to keep him from working.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald is a book that your WH should read and use as a blue print. Also, Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass is another good book.

[This message edited by leafields at 5:43 PM, Saturday, November 25th]

You have options. Please know that.

YOU can relocate to any state you wish, declare residency and file for D. Or you can get him to agree to D terms by offering more $ upfront in lieu of lifetime alimony etc.

But more importantly is his lack of job security. Is COVID the reason he is not working? Is he physically unable to do any job? If he can physically work you may want yo make a job a requirement of reconciling.

Even if he takes a job that he considers "beneath" him, he must get a job. If he has time to cheat he has time to work. He needs to start paying his share of living expenses. Period.

Second he does needs counseling. Immediately. For himself. If he refuses that, your R is that much harder.

Also you may want to consider a post nup as a requirement to R. I have one (I don’t live in your state) but it’s legal and will hold up. Dictate the terms of the post nup should you D for any reason - not just "if he cheats again".

I hope this helps you.

I am 100% with 1stwife. Men define themselves by their work so Covid and job loss have probably knocked your husband for a loop. He has to get a job. He has to get his foot in the door.

If you know this is his first affair you might be able to R if he understands that cheating only gave him intermittent boosts. He still needs to find something to do. He needs to GET that what he did to you will have lasting effects that only he can try to repair. If he is not completely on board with how painful this was to you then how can you R.

Please look after your health. It is the most important issue you face. These affairs cause so much damage.

I can't figure out how to quote so I will try to address some questions.

1. I don't know that moving to the midwest would help. I WFH but my job's territory is in the west and IDK how that would play. Obviously I'm the breadwinner so I need to prioritize my job. For sure he would be able to find a job in the midwest. Up until now he has really not wanted to move. I mean, I'm not thrilled about moving either. We refinanced during a great time and it's painful to think about giving all that up, although of course with CA being as crazy as it is, we have a ton of equity.

2. I am well aware everything is on my terms now. I have known people who were cheated on and some stayed, some left, and those who left were like, "When you know, you know." I hate how I am feeling right now. He is my best friend. Those feelings didn't just evaporate last week. I am angry, hurt and betrayed. I am shocked. I am wondering if I can get past this or if I WANT to. I am thinking I'm 42, it would suck to start over, but should I start over NOW and not drag it out for years and years? It is a very confusing place in my head.

3. My financial friend had said being that I'm in the worst place right now, she recommended trying to be sincere in working things out, but a few months down the line requesting a post-nup to exclude rental properties and my retirement. Because I have no chill, I have a few times brought up to my husband I could lose these things in the divorce process, and he has said he would NEVER try to take them from me. I believe he is being sincere, now, but of course things change if papers are ever filed.

4. I am going to insist my husband find a therapist. He recently found one and did not like her. I have a therapist right now and I like her but I am going to look for one with more trauma experience that can hopefully help me be a bit more tactical or thoughtful in how I process all this.

5. We do not have any children. I know that does make this simpler. It's part of why I'm like, "I SHOULD JUST FUCKING LEAVE," every 15 minutes. My husband has asked if I want him to leave, and I don't. Partially because I have a lot of questions to ask him, and why should he get off the hook in feeling the terrible emotions I am experiencing?

6. He hasn't written a no contact letter, however I have access to everything now. His email, his phone, her number, her address. I did my homework. I considered calling her husband but at the end of the day I have my own emotional situation to deal with and I don't want some dude knocking on our door. I may mail him anonymously at some point but I can't deal right now.

7. He has shown a great deal of remorse and answered all my questions without anger or getting defensive. I am just having so much trouble accepting he hid this successfully for so long. There were a couple of red flags I ignored, because I believed in my heart he would never do such a thing. That's the part I don't know if I can or want to get over.

8. His illness had brought on a great deal of complications. Post-COVID he experienced lots of allergy symptoms and we had to change his/our diet entirely. He started experiencing brain fog. He got laid off in 2021 and immediately found another job but was struggling with computer tasks - even simple things like writing emails, filling out a time card, etc. We started to set some appointments and see some specialists (all of which cost a great deal of time and money). I saw in on one interview with him (it was a video interview and I was out of frame) and I was astounded by his lack of ability to quickly answer questions / pivot. He has struggled with job applications, which are absolutely bonkers now. If you apply to a simple retail job, you need to not only get in the application, but take a skills test, etc. So he has been trying, and been on interviews, but has not gotten job offers even at places like Home Depot, Best Buy, Target, etc. His resume is an issue, the gap of employment is an issue, and now his age is an issue. He is feeling better from his low but still not where he was cognitively and the scans we have ordered came back negative for dementia, etc. I have spent HOURS researching, posting in Facebook groups, going to doctor's appointments, etc. I know this period of time has been very, very hard for him. Most men define themselves by their careers and he's no exception. So in short, yes, I do think we should apply to SSDI because he certainly cannot seem to get work at his previous income/skill level, and for basic jobs, he is being looked at as overqualified.

Thank you all for your responses, I am going to go through the resources and will continue to post. I really appreciate the support.

I wonder if with all of his long COVID issues he could not get disability income of some sort. Obviously he paid into the system in the past, and it may be time to get something back. I am not really sure if this is available to him, but at least he could start paying off his debt. And you wouldn't feel so bad about leaving.

If anything, get what he said about "never" taking your properties in writing and make sure it’s iron clad. I will bet there will be a change in tune if you asked him for separation.

Go into this with no guarantees. They’ve been at this for a few years already, so expect that they’ve worked out alternative ways of maintaining contact aside from what you have now.

So he hasn’t written a no contact letter. Has he even cut contact? That’s number one if he’s as remorseful as you think he is

Good luck

[This message edited by Forks027 at 8:13 PM, Sunday, November 26th]

4. I am going to insist my husband find a therapist. He recently found one and did not like her. 8. His illness had brought on a great deal of complications...

He must be aware of his problems (both the A and his "depression?") and solve them like an adult, on his own.

6. He hasn't written a no contact letter

If he are really sorry and intend to R,this is a non-negotiable condition.

I considered calling her husband but at the end of the day I have my own emotional situation to deal with and I don't want some dude knocking on our door. I may mail him anonymously at some point but I can't deal right now.