SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

BluerthanBlue

You're right... I gasped. You really don't know what he's capable of, and more importantly, you can't guarantee that he won't find someone else who he thinks offers him a better deal and leave you. Make your plans based on the worst-case scenario, not the best.

So one thing you know is that if you divorce, he'll have to pay support. Good. That's something you can factor in when you meet with a lawyer and financial advisor, and start planning your exit.

Yes, if we separate/divorce, I know I am entitled to support. And, I'm definitely going to plan for worst case and hope for the best. It's all I can do.

This will be likely be painful but I’m going to give it to you straight, as I see it and because I think you have many other factors contributing to how you move forward.

First, you don’t have a marriage. Your husband spends 75 percent of his time away from you, you aren’t intimate, and he is cheating (and lying to you). This barely even qualifies as a relationship - much less a marriage. Start here…because I think the loss you are now feeling is much more conceptual than reality. Not dismissing that…it’s just important to make the distinction to help clear your head.

Secondly, and rather obviously given the circumstances, it seems like changing the dynamics (ie, divorce) is really the bigger issue - and I get that completely. It’s not that something magical happens in the typical "don’t do anything for a year" advice…it’s that it brings it down to a more manageable focus when you are emotionally injured. You have a tremendous gift (flip side of the sucky coin described above) in that you are looking at having your day-to-day life disrupted only 25 percent of the time (again, reality based not emotionally). You also aren’t worried about contracting an STD while you are working through this. Obviously these two aspects you’ve largely already reconciled despite these recent change in circumstances. You can now count this flip side as a blessing. Take it.

Can you work this current situation in a manner to create the least disruption in your life? Likely. Can you work this current situation in a manner to reconcile your marriage? What marriage?? Really the only question is - does your current relationship (term used generously here) offer enough benefits that you can reconcile this new piece into it? With as much time as he spends away from you, the opportunities he has to act without accountability, and the fact that he’s a sex addict, the only path I see forward is acceptance that he IS going to continue to cheat (regardless of if he actually is because there’s too many unknowns.)

All that being said, the only advice that I can offer you is to very carefully consider whether you really want to tackle this by starting to "circle the wagons" (ie, insisting he quit his job, take something closer to home, start MC, etc). Would that really get you closer to where you want to be…or are you ultimately risking throwing the baby out with the bath water? (You want to have him back home full time, behaving as he is - with no job?? You want to become more emotionally vulnerable in marriage counseling?? )

I totally get the emotional impact of all of this…I know it doesn’t seem as simple as I’m making it. I also get the not wanting to cut your nose off to spite your face. But no matter how much we talk divorce vs reconciliation, healing is not dependent on either one of those. They aren’t answers themselves but rather the results of the healing. Stop looking at them as if they are the directors.

Weigh out your cost vs benefits logically, not based on what it it could be or should be but based on what it is. Accept that healing yourself is your job no matter what and it cannot be based on external circumstances or it’s not authentic. While at your age you may not feel time is on your side, your circumstances clearly refute that. You do have time…so now it’s a matter of focus. At the moment nothing is different than what it was before you had this evidence - other than you knowing. Would you want to know? (I know you don’t want it to be true..but it is, so given that, would you want to know?). If you would, then you have been given a gift in that - accept it. Graciousness will come. Gratitude will soon follow.

Breathe. Just breathe. When things are really bad, stop…breathe. Over and over. Slow down, stop, breathe. Figuratively. Literally. Come back to the present moment as often as you can. Because in your situation, it’s the least disrupted. Strangely enough, your "marriage" has actually prepared you for this very moment. ❤️

[This message edited by truthsetmefree at 4:17 PM, Saturday, December 2nd]

truthsetmefree

Weigh out your cost vs benefits logically, not based on what it it could be or should be but based on what it is. Accept that healing yourself is your job no matter what and it cannot be based on external circumstances or it’s not authentic. While at your age you may not feel time is on your side, your circumstances clearly refute that. You do have time…so now it’s a matter of focus. At the moment nothing is different than what it was before you had this evidence - other than you knowing. Would you want to know? (I know you don’t want it to be true..but it is, so given that, would you want to know?). If you would, then you have been given a gift in that - accept it. Graciousness will come. Gratitude will soon follow.

He's got lots to think about and needs to figure who he is and why he is this way. So do I.

I've never felt so TRULY alone in all of my life because I have no idea when the other shoe will drop and it paralyzes me with fear. My anxiety is out of control. I'm going to need some serious help navigating this shit storm. I can't afford a lawyer so have an acquaintance whose wife is a divorce lawyer in another part of the country getting some basic info about what I may be entitled to if he files... which I am very doubtful he will because he knows we can't afford lawyers. I have a feeling if he's not wanting to R, he'll want to leave things as they are so we can still pay down debt and we'll live separate lives until we don't. I'm not sure I can R if that's on the table so I need to figure that out, too. I don't want think about him right now. How do I stop this movie nightmare that keeps playing in my head? I must focus on me. How the hell I do that?

[This message edited by JustNeverEnough at 5:36 PM, Thursday, February 29th]

Your friend won't find accurate info for your personal situation. Only an attorney you speak to can give you that. I did a quick google search because I wasn't positive attorneys in Canada offered free consultations like they do here in the states. This is one of the first things that popped up. Look for free consultations in your area and set up a few. "Pro Bono offers a free legal advice hotline for up to 30 minutes of legal advice and assistance. The toll-free number is 1-855-255-7256"

The friend's wife is a divorce lawyer and she can help; she's just not licensed in my province.

[This message edited by JustNeverEnough at 5:37 PM, Thursday, February 29th]

Just a little update.

More info has come out and true colors have been revealed.

Fact: he's a manipulative, gaslighting, lying liar, and cheater. Always has been, always will be.

Fact: I do not know and never did truly know this man. This marriage has all been a lie and I've had the wool over my eyes in a very big way.

Fact: He's been trying to pit people against me by lying about me and exaggerating/twisting the truth to fit his narrative for a very long time. This has shocked me to my core and the rose colored glasses are in the garbage. I see very CLEARLY now.

Fact: This affair has been going on longer than he, 'promised' me it has. The truth will set me free and I will eventually have the peace that I deserve.

FACT: He will live a very lonely and sad life. Whatever is left of it.

FACT: Karma will take care of that.

For my own protection, I won't be getting into details here because you never know.... I've learned to trust no one and protect myself. This has been one hell of an eye opening experience. I can not wait for the day that it's all behind me. Now, to find money for a lawyer. I'm going to need one.

[This message edited by JustNeverEnough at 5:38 PM, Thursday, February 29th]

I'm very sorry. I'm thinking of you today.

Thanks for the update. I'm so sorry you were punched in the gut again.

Stay strong. We're here if you need us.

None of the new revelations surprise me. It is a gift to you because you were waffling with reconciling when deep down inside you knew this was far from a marriage.

You have been programmed for so long to accept his shit crumbs. And so much has stripped you of living YOUR life. He has shown you who he is- please believe him.

The only focus needs to be on you. Getting in IC, finding attorney, healing, etc. Yes you have obstacles as we all do. Take it one step at a time and just keep swimming.

Each step will strengthen you.

I've never felt so TRULY alone in all of my life because I have no idea when the other shoe will drop and it paralyzes me with fear.

I understand this intimately. I lost both my parents (I’m an only) and my beloved dog while going through the divorce - all within the time span of a year. Talk about a dark night of the soul.

But there’s a gift in this aloneness…and if you can allow it to just BE it will readily show itself to you. You are left with the only thing you can ever really have - you. And when I learned how to truly value that, EVERYTHING in my life changed.

I don’t know that many people get this kind of opportunity - or they successfully find distractions that allow them to turn away from it. The way out is not to run…but rather to stop, turn, and face it in the eye. Not for it to be defeated (it’s not your enemy)…but for it to be seen. And then you’ll understand so much more. This is always the way. ❤️

Kiwilee

None of the new revelations surprise me. It is a gift to you because you were waffling with reconciling when deep down inside you knew this was far from a marriage.

You have been programmed for so long to accept his shit crumbs. And so much has stripped you of living YOUR life. He has shown you who he is- please believe him.

The only focus needs to be on you. Getting in IC, finding attorney, healing, etc. Yes you have obstacles as we all do. Take it one step at a time and just keep swimming.

Each step will strengthen you.

Waffling...yes out of absolute terror! Not only did I find out I'm married to a narcissist, lying POS sex addict with NO morals or conscience. I was slammed with a harsh reality that my comfortable, stable life as I know it, is going to drastically change. After all of this mess is sorted through, I've got to find a place to live with my pets and figure out how I'm going to survive with no vehicle, etc. There just isn't enough income. Our future retirement plans to travel... I'll never travel again unless I happen to win the lottery (got to buy a ticket to win) or meet someone else (not on my radar ever) So, yeah, I was wrestling with staying with him for stability, safety, security... not love, intimacy or companionship. Yes, my marriage was over long ago and apparently, I am the last one to realize it. That? Is humiliating and embarrassing. I'll get over it.

I've been keeping myself busy. Looking forward to getting ME looked after and then making a plan to exit. I have found a place that offers 2hrs of free legal consultation.

I know I'm still going to be all over the place with emotions as that's part of the grief process and I'm prepared for it and have people in my corner. That's all that matters right now. I'm no longer feeling alone in all of this. Thank you so much for your kind words.

[This message edited by JustNeverEnough at 5:41 PM, Thursday, February 29th]

truthsetsmefree,

Loneliness is quite a dark experience, isn't it? Loss and loneliness suck in every sense of the word.

Once I was able to feel all of the feels and talk separately with my sibling and my stepchild (married with own kids) about this, I gained a lot more clarity and they also got the true picture once I was able to share my side of the 'story'. I've been silent for so long, trying to protect my marriage and their father that when I saw how dirty he was playing telling half truths to make me look like a crazy person... well, the gloves were off at that point. I've got my integrity and he's got egg on his face. They know what/who their father truly is and was (and what I was able to share cemented it for them) and they are not happy with him at all. He's been an absent and shitty father with his previous marriage and mine. There are no winners here. Just hurt, neglected people who are left to pick up the pieces that this man left from blowing up his life. We'll be okay. We've got the truth and we've got each other.
He's a miserable, unhappy man with deep rooted issues and he'll never find what he's looking for or be happy. As for me, sometimes you have to let go of the picture you thought life would be like and learn to find joy in the story you are actually living.

I'll be okay once I get both feet on the ground. Then, I'll start running! :)

You are doing great JustNeverEnough!!

Keep taking it one day at a time and know that there will be ups and downs along the way.

Nothing has changed in my situation. He's in therapy and I'm in therapy. Christmas was the worst day ever. I hate the holidays now and glad they are over. My emotions are still all over the place and I am exhausted in every sense of the word. My soul is exhausted. It's been two months now. I honestly don't know which end is up. I close my eyes at night hoping not to wake up. And when I do, I realize that nope, it wasn't a nightmare. It's reality. This hurts too damn much and I don't know how to get through it.

You get through the way you are - one day at a time. Make a list of the things that have to get done and do ONE of them at least every day. And look at the 10s of thousands of us here on SI and trust that this darkness will end. It feels like it won’t - but it will.

Have you set up the legal advise 2 hr meeting? That will be helpful because knowledge is power. Understanding the realities of your future (not what you fear, but the actual truth) takes the fear out of it. And when you are ready, read the pinned post in the Separation/Divorce forum. You will see that most of the fears we have end up being not true.

Take a deep breath, get some exercise and fresh air, journal like crazy to get the feelings out. Besides you IC, do you have anyone else IRL to talk to?

You are stronger than you know and you will get through this. You really will. Just keep swimming 🐟

BarelyBreathing

Have you set up the legal advise 2 hr meeting? That will be helpful because knowledge is power. Understanding the realities of your future (not what you fear, but the actual truth) takes the fear out of it. And when you are ready, read the pinned post in the Separation/Divorce forum. You will see that most of the fears we have end up being not true.

Take a deep breath, get some exercise and fresh air, journal like crazy to get the feelings out. Besides you IC, do you have anyone else IRL to talk to?

You are stronger than you know and you will get through this. You really will. Just keep swimming 🐟

I have read that post. I've read through every single post on this website. Time is all I have in my life. My world has become very small. I've journaled like mad. Hundreds of pages in Word. I walk every day and that's about it. My mind won't shut off.The mind movies are brutal. I just miss my husband. Damnit. I'm currently bawling my face off and my sweet dog just jumped on the bed and sat beside me, looking at me and softly whining. He feels my pain and I feel awful. I don't know what I would do without him right now. I truly don't.

Yes, I am strong but, I'm on the ledge. Teetering. And I am utterly terrified.I am so lonely.

[This message edited by JustNeverEnough at 5:44 PM, Thursday, February 29th]

I also suffered with that racing mind - I paced like a caged tiger. I went on an anti-anxiety medication for a year to help me manage that. It might be good to get an appointment with your primary care. And try using meditation apps to help you slow down your mind to sleep. I use Calm, but some find YouTube videos that work like ASMR videos. And keep up that journaling. It will be amazing to you to look back in 6 months, a year, and see how far you will have come.

I promise it gets better. You are just going through a trauma and your body is processing all those feelings and it’s a lot.

Keep taking care of yourself. Bubble baths, coloring books, whatever helps your mind slow down.

My entire future is up in the air and it's absolutely terrifying. I'm so lonely and I'm pretty sure the two people in my life that I can talk to are getting tired of it. I don't even know what to do with myself. :(

My doctor has given me (reluctantly) something to help sleep (and it's not) but my anxiety is off the charts. She won't help with that... I am truly struggling in every sense of the word. Not feeling heard by anyone. It's not a good feeling when you don't feel like anyone gives a damn. It hurts just as bad as the betrayal.

[This message edited by JustNeverEnough at 12:55 PM, Sunday, January 28th]

We hear you, JNE. Keep typing.

Couple of questions…if he was to disappear from the face of the Earth, run off with her never to be seen again, what would you do? If the choice on breaking the tie was made for you?

If you weren’t stuck in the cycle of ruminating on him, what would you be doing? How did you spend your days prior?

Do you have any activities that are so consuming, there’s no room to think about anything else? I used to rock climb, and there was something about it so it was impossible to think about anything but the here and now while doing it. Anything like that? Needlepoint? Crossword puzzles? Archery?

HouseofPlane

We hear you, JNE. Keep typing.

Couple of questions…if he was to disappear from the face of the Earth, run off with her never to be seen again, what would you do? If the choice on breaking the tie was made for you?

If you weren’t stuck in the cycle of ruminating on him, what would you be doing? How did you spend your days prior?

Do you have any activities that are so consuming, there’s no room to think about anything else? I used to rock climb, and there was something about it so it was impossible to think about anything but the here and now while doing it. Anything like that? Needlepoint? Crossword puzzles? Archery?

I would have to find an affordable place to live based on whatever income I would receive, which I already know is next to nothing. That's why the panic and anxiety attacks. I already know what the future looks like and this was not my choice. He gets to move on, I don't. I need to figure my part out and it's too overwhelming and new at the moment.

I've spent the past few years alone, taking care of my struggling child and running our household. At least I had my husband to look forward to coming home for a couple of months at a time for relief and companionship. He was my rock. That's what kept me going. Now, I don't know what I have to look forward to as he figures his shit out. He's in crisis. I get that. But, I am too.

My day consists of writing in my journal, taking the dog for a walk, cleaning some area of the house, playing computer games, reading, surfing the internet (mostly reading/research) and meeting up with my friend if she's free. The world doesn't stop just because my life is falling apart. I hate depending on the only two people in my life to keep me company or entertained, know what I mean? I just feel like a burden. I can't explain. I don't have money for activities, so that's taking some creative thinking on my part, but difficult with my brain being Swiss cheese at the moment. This is still so fresh, raw and extremely painful. I'm just lost, spinning my wheels.

I wish I could find a website where I can just chat with people to pass the time, meet some friends. Know what I mean?

[This message edited by JustNeverEnough at 12:57 PM, Sunday, January 28th]