SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sigh...here i am! Joining the club that none of us want to be in.
Feeling so angry, sad, bitter, want to get revenge which I know won't help but I want him to feel the same as me.

I am married. Been with my partner for 8.5 years and we have 2 kids (a 3 year old and a 12 week old).
Found out on Friday he has been entering chat rooms and then sent his phone number to a woman he met there and been explicitly messaging her. She's been getting raunchy messages as I've been getting messages like "we need to do a food shop"...
The part that makes me angry with him and also myself...this isn't the first time, nor the second.
Everytime I catch him and he cries and tells me he won't do it again and he doesn't want to lose me...he's then on his best behaviour afterwards and life is rosey...then low and behold as we get comfortable I find he's back to his old tricks again.
In all other ways he's great and everyone thinks he's the perfect husband. He's caring, I know he loves me, I love spending time with him, he's funny...
He's now saying he thinks he has a problem/addiction and might need help.
I have lost all trust. Not sure if I can come back from this.
Half of me wants to stay because I love him so much and I don't want to break our family unit.
The other half of me is thinking "fuck him" and wants to kick him to curb. I have more self respect than this shit he's giving me.

I have no idea what to do. Fed up of this.

Hi TDML,

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you're now part of the best club nobody wants to join. If you haven't already, please check out the pinned posts at the top of the thread. The Healing Library is another great resource and is where you can find the list of acronyms that we use.

You aren't breaking up the family unit - your WH (wayward husband) gets that honorable distinction. When you think about staying for the children, think about how he treats you in front of them. Is that the type of relationship that you want your children to use to base their relationships on?

When you're able, please Google a blog post by Lundy Bancroft, "Hiding Behind Sexual Addiction." The author has worked in the field of abuse for decades and says many people like to hide behind the "it's an addiction" excuse so they don't have to take responsibility for their actions. He also has a good book called "Why Does He Do That?" It isn't infidelity related, but discusses abuse on an overall level. Why am I recommending this to you?

everyone thinks he's the perfect husband.

and

he's then on his best behaviour afterwards

He can be the perfect husband, but chooses not to be. Then love bombs you so you think that he's changing and there's a chance that he'll be that great guy again. Unfortunately, the great guy is just an act and the person you get after the shiny, happy wears off is the real him. This is abusive and is called intermittent reinforcement. The good times keep you hooked (smoking the hopium pipe), when he knows that he's going to turn the good times off. FWIW, my XWH (ex-wayward husband) did the same thing. He lied about who he really was so that I wasn't able to make informed decisions with all of the facts.

He's a serial cheater, and many lack the fortitude to do the work to change to be a safe partner. There's a chance that he could finally remove his head from his behind, but his other previous promises have fallen by the wayside. Reconciliation (R) is a lot of tough work, and both partners have to be in 100%.

Telling you what to do is simple. Doing it is hard…

You make it very clear to him that this behavior is not acceptable to you and that this is infidelity.
Not only that – he is placing you, the family and everything at risk. Do you really think all these chatrooms are full of beautiful young women waiting for sad and sorry little men who approach them via anonymous forums? I’m guessing that at least half if not more are scammers waiting to put a hook somehow into their victim. I’m guessing the "woman" Claudia is actually a West-African gentlemen called Harry…

So tell him something along these lines:
You have given him opportunities to end this behavior.
His actions are neither logical nor healthy. If he doesn’t see it that way then there is really no hope for you.
If he agrees that this isn’t what he should be doing then he needs to figure WHY he does it.
He can’t figure that out by himself. He needs professional help. Like a therapist.
It’s his call – he can seek help and actively work at convincing you by being open and accountable that he’s not cheating…
Or…
He can do nothing, and in the next 2-3 years you will catch him again.
If he’s lucky you will still be around by then, but his willingness to seek help NOW will maybe make it more likely that you remain. If nothing happens you basically will be waiting for the repeat, and won’t really be committing to the marriage. At best the time spent until his inevitable fail will be spent preparing for departure.

After that… wait for HIS actions. It’s clear what he needs to do: get treatment for this "need" (99% chance it’s a lack of validation for himself). If he does nothing, and then suggests 2 months from now that you two take a loan for a new car…. "I don’t think we should be doing anything that commits us together for the next years. It’s only a question of when your need to cheat will kick in again, and I want to be ready to move out fo this marriage when that happens…"

Have faith in yourself to get past this. You can heal, with or without your H. You didn't fail - your H did.

Serial cheating comes from not taking responsibility for one's actions and not seeing that problem lies within the serial cheater themself. IMO, a serial cheater who does the work to change from betrayer to good partner is a good candidate for R, but so far, your H doesn't seem to have made that choice. Rather, he looks like he love bombs you back into your M. You're totally right not to trust him.

If R is still a possibility, I'll ask: Have you ever talked about why he cheats? What has he said? Of course, if you've decided to D, those questions are irrelevant.

My reco is to start with finding out what you want. Just make sure you keep in mind who your H actually is, not who you wish him to be. And if you want R, consider what your requirements are - then find out if he'll sign on to satisfy those requirements. R takes 2. If you disagree on what R will be, R won't work.

Again, you can heal from being betrayed. Sometimes, it's easier, overall, to heal in R; sometimes it's easier if you D. Believe it or not, you can figure out which is better for you.

I guess serial cheating is a form of addiction and those are hard to overcome. Your choice is to live with an addict or not. It really is that simple and so very hard. Breaking up a family, finances, homes and hearts is never easy.

I wish you joy and peace of mind this holiday season, however you find them.