SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I posted in R because after 11 years I feel like we are there. I was worried about fAP’s wife having been triggered, then I started worrying about my H being triggered when I show/explain to him what has happened (I will explain it to y’all too in a minute), but I just decided I am triggered. So I needed to come to my people for support/advice.

Here’s the story: I downloaded a group messaging app more than a decade ago that H and I both used while we were on an international trip with our daughter’s premed fraternity. After the trip I didn’t really use the app so at some point I deleted it but never closed my account. I redownloaded the app and opened the account recently to use for a board that I am on. I noticed there were some messages on there from 5 years ago where "I" had messaged a bunch on random people (even some businesses) who were contacts in my phone but not contacts I had in the app. Some people replied "did you mean to send me this". It appears that I messaged a bunch of random people some link that I did not open because I’m sure it’s some kind of malware or something. Anyway I was a bit embarrassed that this had happened and as I’m scrolling through looking at all the people I had lamely messaged a bad link to a saw a message from fAP/fAP’s wife. It said, "this is (fAP’s wife name). Don’t ever make any kind of contact with fAP." My first feeling was shock, then disbelief, then horror at the trigger that must have been, and then dread, disgust, denial, etc because I need to tell Knight about it. I have mostly focused on what it will do to Knight and I do need to take care. But I have come here to y’all because this has brought me to a really dark, gross, yucky place. I mean we have been cruising along doing really well and bam some bot somewhere that did something 5 years ago has me feeling super crappy about myself likity split.

So I need to process and sit here and think about this stuff again. The gift that keeps on giving.

Ugh, I'm so sorry. It's so hard to be confronted with the memories of how we sabotaged our lives and those of the people we love most. We do the work to be honest and authentic, and we hope that eventually we earn the right to lay the body of that toxic former self to rest. Then something like this happens, and the panic and fear makes us feel like we're back living in that same skin again. The denial, the bargaining, the guilt and grief that our past actions still have the power to create present and future pain... it's a lot.

But take a deep breath and look at how different things are now. You didn't give in to the impulse to hide the truth. You came to your safe space for advice and support, and you took the temporary hit in favor of the real long term good. And as far as the reaction of the BW, I think that message was just insurance for her. Based on what I read in your profile, it seems clear to me that if she really believed you had attempted contact, she would have used any and all means possible to notify your husband. She lives in the same world you do, and she probably couldn't resist looking at the link. She'll have concluded that you didn't break six years of NC to send mass market click bait. And now you're almost certain to be blocked on their end, too.

I'm sorry you're having to live in this triggered space with all its terrible memories, but try hard to take comfort in the progress you've made and how it will support and safeguard your new reality. It sucks, but you've got this. You will be okay again.

BH here; I recently had the experience for the first time that my wife did something like this, told me something that she easily could have hidden and I’d have never been the wiser. It was amazing for me. My brain feels better, the world seems safer. It was such a gift. The tradeoff of short term discomfort vs the deep long term benefits is a no brainer.

I think it’s really impressive that you are also taking care of yourself in this, acknowledging it’s impact on you so it doesn’t come out sideways. Thanks for stopping in and showing us how it’s done

I’m sorry that happened. I think you did well with telling him sooner than later. As you know there is never a "good time" to bring on bad news.

At this point be proactive. Delete whatever necessary to make sure something like this will not happen again.

There is no way to atone with the OBS without causing more pain.

Like BSR said, take a deep breath and look how far the two of you have come. This is a speed bump in comparison. You know your strength and you know your love for Knight. Let that be your focus.

On a side note, I can’t believe your daughter has gone through medical school! Following in dad’s foot steps. That’s amazing. Time has really flown. I’m so glad to hear that other than this recent issue you two are doing well.

Hey again y’all. Thank you again for always being here. I know I have a tendency to post and run. I’m hardly online any more so I check in infrequently. I just wanted to say you guys mean the world to me and I know I will get good, honest advice here. I plan it check in more often and try to follow your examples of paying it forward.

There is no way on earth my family or my happiness would look like it does today without this beautiful, tough, honest safe space and all of you paying it forward.

Thank you!

And WOES, it has been a hot minute. All of my littles are adults now and everyone one of them have followed in either Mom’s or Dad’s footsteps in some way. We are truly blessed.