SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What did you do to help yourself heal and move forward? Any book recommendations? I want to work on myself before allowing anyone in my life. I want to be sure I never am attracted to the same type of person or situation.
How long did it take you to get everything in order to leave? Should I talk to an attorney first before moving out?

How did you handle being alone? I know there are a lot worse things than being alone. Just asking what you did to help you with the new beginning?

It took me about 5 months to get things together to leave, but it was about 4 months early. I couldn't stand IHS any longer. Checking with an attorney is up to you, but you don't want things to fall under the "abandonment" arena as your STBXWH could say that you abandoned the home so he gets it.

For my healing, I did a lot of mindfulness and meditation. Using YouTube videos from Dr. Ramani and a few other narcissistic abuse folks helped me learn red flags. Cheating in a Nutshell helped, as did Love Must Be Tough.

I love being alone. I don't have to walk on egg shells and try to please XWH, who was rarely happy. I can control the remote and watch what I want. I can eat what I like and not have to try to please XWH. I volunteer at a cat rescue and clean the habitat once per week. I just joined a dining club and look forward to enjoying what they do. This month was a Feast of the Seven Fishes, which I'd only read about or watched in movies. Next month, it's a competition between 3 chefs and the diners get to pick the winners.

Our tourist office is doing a "taco and tamale trail" where you get points for visiting certain businesses within a 40-mile area. I'm doing this with my 12-year-old grandson. I don't have to ask anybody's permission except my son & his wife to make sure grandson can go with me.

If I find somebody that enhances my life, then I might be interested. If I don't find anybody, that's just as fine. I wouldn't want anybody come between me and my grandkids.

I went to IC, read the Journey from Abandonment to Healing, journaled, and just spent time with myself. There were weird things I found hard like being home alone on Friday night….but other nights didn’t bother me. BUT THE PEACE.

One thing that helped me was to really look at what I did wrong in my marriage. I didn’t cause our D. But I made mistakes. I didn’t stand up for myself or my boundaries. I subscribed to some roles that I am not sure he really wanted me in either. So I spent time looking at how I communicate, what I assumed, what I took from my FOO that I should have left behind. I really like myself better now. I am a better person.

So if I partner up or not, I like who I am and how I am moving through the world now. It took a couple years but that’s okay.

Good luck!

I began to treat myself exquisitely well. I also made myself go places (safely of course) by
myself. It was hard and lonely. I was blessed by amazing friends.

I exercised. Tried to eat well. Prayer and my faith helped.

If I had it to do all over again I would have treated exwh as a person who is very dangerous to me. His lack of fairness, decency and conscious is something I should have anticipated and it came back to haunt me in the legal
end. I wish you peace and healing.

Many of us are on that same journey to heal and prepare ourselves for a relationship, you're not alone. There is uncertainty, for me, mostly the fear of loving another cheater. I found being alone pleasant, more than that though, there is something real about "finding yourself". Being alone does great things for understanding what you want, I wouldn't dread it so much, but go into it with optimism. I've been praying, reading the bible, and seeking a personal relationship with God. If you haven't read it, The Body Keeps Score should be required reading for a BS.

Other focus:
- Treating myself well and not being a constant self-critic.
- Filling my life with activities and people that I enjoy. A tremendous focus on family.
- Goal setting, where do I want to be in one year, 5, etc?
- Taking care of those around me that need care, getting outside myself thru loving others. This has been rewarding.
- Work and work more.

Beyond this I'm looking at things I should not do:
- Trying not clock watch as if I'm waiting for something better, I want to actually live in today and enjoy my time, and not worry about it getting 'wasted'.
- Avoiding dating apps and hookup culture.

I'm questioning a dating strategy, and they mean to me:
- Serial monogamy. There is a mindset to that where your hand hovers over the escape button and it's just one try before you buy after another. Maybe still best, one gets to see how someone handles monogamy.
- Plate spinning, having multiple partners at the same time while expressing a commitment to not commit. This is an effective strategy for the most aggressive sexual attention from women. Sorry ladies, I've lived it, exploiting mate-copying tendencies is effective and yields exceptional treatment. It's empty and drama fueled but may be a necessity in our modern world.
- Traditional dating. Express an interest up front to put sex downstream from getting to know one another. Very difficult, can be seen as lack of interest or something wrong. If two people are actually not sleeping with anyone else, this could be very exciting. There's no anticipation anymore. I don't see that anyone wants this, so a bit dead on arrival.
- Friends with benefits. Sort of anti-dating and I feel a sense of usury for both parties that's a bit distasteful. It's supposedly honest usury, but I'm not sure it's all that honest. Immediately any feelings are invalidated by the nature of it, which is sort of the point. Which is why I think it's anti-dating.

This is how I view the options. I may be missing something, but as far as how a man may comport himself, I don't see anything else available.