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WH denied there was anything to the text.. said we just joke back and forth like that.
I wasn’t born yesterday! No one innocent jokes about "desperately needing to see you" "think about you all the time because of what you gave me last time"
Nope!! Liar! 🤥
Lying doesn’t make it go away or that it never happened.
The gaslighting. Do they believe their own lies?
Says he loves me but you don’t treat ppl you love like shit.
Just needed to get that out.

Wow!! You have proof of his lying and cheating but your H won’t admit to the affair.

You have nothing to work with here.

He’s not worth trying to reconcile with because he’s still lying to you and himself.

Please please don’t accept or allow this. Unfortunately I did and it was a mistake. My H had a 4 year EA that I knew about but he refused to admit to. This OW was madly in love with him from the beginning (it was that obvious). He refused to admit to the EA and gaslit and stonewalled me.

This made it very easy to have a second mid life crisis affair. But this time he was planning to D me (which I was the last to know).

Looking back my mistake was allowing his first affair to be swept under the rug and not holding him accountable.

I should have walked away when he would not admit to the EA that was 4 years long.

Lesson learned for me.

I’m not going to tell you what to do but a person who won’t even be honest at the most important moment in your marriage— well that is a 🚩🚩🚩🚩.

I’d suggest some professional counseling just for you. Not marriage counseling. But support navigating the situation and understanding the choices you will need to make.

I would tell your husband the serious impact his inability to be honest will have and is having on the marriage. Can’t say you didn’t warn him if for some reason you decide one day, you don’t want to be married to a person who has no ability to be honest at the most important moment in your life.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:32 PM, Wednesday, December 27th]

I feel like I’m losing my mind. What if he is telling the truth. But who jokes like that. He said we’d talk after he gets through his deadlines. He does have a lot going on but this should have priority. Clarifying everything. My mind just keeps going in circles. I’d never even joke like that with my x husband.
This morning he said he loves me and would never do anything to jeopardize losing me..

"desperately needing to see you"
"think about you all the time because of what you gave me last time"

Just a joke? Nope

Trust your gut.
Trust yourself.

Wow, he really thinks you are buying this? If he's only joking then why aren't you in on the joke?

I feel like I’m losing my mind.

That's what gaslighting is supposed to make you feel. You question your own reality.

What if he is telling the truth.

Very doubtful. I'm pretty sure he's lying.

think about you all the time because of what you gave me last time

If what she gave him last time happened to be homemade chocolate chip cookies or snickerdoodles, I might buy it. If you don't know what it is that she gave him, then NOPE. Not a joke and not something that friends joke about.

Yes, they sometimes believe their own lies because they don't want to face the truth.

Oh honey this has been a very painful thing for you. But you know in your heart that he is lying and gaslighting hoping he will lull you back into being accepting and quiet. Do not allow that to happen.
With your recent health scare you should absolutely make some serious life changes to ensure you are safe happy and strong.
See an attorney. Figure out the financial piece. Knowledge is strength and getting a good understanding of what separation and D look like for you will give you clarity and strength.

That said also get some therapy to help you deal with the trauma and pain, how to identify gaslighting and lying and how to call it out in a healthy manner that will allow you to live an authentic life. Get STD testing as you know one thing for sure and that is he is really good at lying.

Start planning your future. Maybe a late winter trip to someplace that is warm and will allow healing and snow you how time alone doing things you love will make you strong.
You got this.

🚩🚩 it was a joke

🚩🚩 you have yo wait yo discuss b/c he has deadlines and other priorities

🚩🚩"he would never do anything to hurt you" is lovebombing you (typical cheater move btw)

Not your first Dday with this husband if I read your profile correctly. 🚩🚩

So sorry for you.

@emotionalhell, I am in a similar situation. Even if there wasn't a PA, they texts shared between the two of them are not appropriate. We deserve to be treated better.

This morning he said he loves me and would never do anything to jeopardize losing me..

The answer to that is he already has put the relationship in jeopardy by enabling an inappropriate relationship with her. Whatever they might or might have not been doing, it's clear that he has allowed her to believe that he's open to her and been skating on thin ice for a while.

Your focus right now really should be you. Find a therapist who can help you articulate what you need in your life and how to maintain your own boundaries, especially with someone who doesn't seem to have any of his own. Tell him straight out that his explanations are not sufficient and you expect him to shut his faux friendship down then get himself some help.

He's doing the classic gaslighting right now. Soon will come the DARVO stage.

And yes - many of them believe their own lies. It easier for them that way Just because he's desperately lying doesn't mean you have to accept it.

Take care of yourself.

ETA - keep your evidence in a safe place. And a back up - there will come a time where he will demand you delete/destroy it.

[This message edited by Chaos at 7:10 PM, Monday, January 1st]

Oops wrong thread

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 1:44 PM, Tuesday, January 2nd]